Keeping your sanity during the insanity
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce is a process with a colossal emotional component. If you’re not careful to deal with the emotions separately and outside of the legal process you are in danger of making decisions you will later come to regret.
The kaleidoscope of emotions
The emotions can be intense and vary from person to person. What you may be feeling is fear, anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shock, frustration and even relief. I remember, as I went through my divorce, wanting to desperately piece my world back together and wanted to numb the pain. But of course, I later came to realize that if you don’t deal with the pain of your emotions, somewhere later, the emotions will catch up to you and become your emotional baggage.
Divorce has become so common today that
people underestimate how powerful an
experience it truly is
People don’t know how to react to divorcing people. There are no rituals or customs associated with mourning the loss of a marriage. There are all sorts of customs associated with losing a loved one, but how do you mourn the loss of a marriage? Without saving cavalier or glib, there are some ideas which don’t sound so bad. I’m starting to hear of people developing their own little healing ceremonies by throwing divorce parties, sending out separation announcements, burying their wedding band, or running away going on a little exotic vacation and so on. But what you also need to do is recognize that you are grieving. Grief is not a mental disorder; it is a natural, if painful, emotion that needs to be worked through!
Managing the grief
Grief presents an opportunity to make important choices and think about the life you want to lead. There is an incredible amount of emotional work and healing that needs to be done when you’re grieving, especially during the first year of tow of going through a divorce and separation.
Ways to feel better
If you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Take charge
- Give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically.
- Emotionally: develop your support network of friends, family, clergy parenting groups, support groups and perhaps a therapist.
- Physically: Eat right and exercise. Try as hard as you can to lead a healthy “balanced” life.
- Make time for yourself – do something which makes you happy.
Add comment March 19, 2008
It’s my birthday and I’ll party if I want to
It’s my birthday and I’ll party if I want to…….
Unlike Lesley Gore, who recorded the song, It’s My Party - about the lead character’s birthday party which did not turn out to be the happy occasion she thought it would be she cried, cried, cried. Why turn your birthday or any celebration into a reason for tears.
Celebrate the fact that you made it through another year. Don’t wait for someone to make it special for you, make it special for yourself
- Throw your own party; celebrate with your children, friends or extended family.
- That adventure you were thinking about, go a head, give yourself permission to finally do it.
- Buy yourself something really fabulous.
- Find a way to enjoy yourself and make a special effort to create your own happiness and joy.
I was determined to make my 45th birthday extraordinary. It looked to me as if all my friends celebrated their birthday by being whisked away by their partner to some marvelous destination or received a fancy bauble with major bling. Wanting to jump aboard that birthday express, I decided to create my own marvelous adventure. Not having someone special in my life, I felt special anyhow and whisked myself away on an unforgettable journey. I decided to mix my love of adventure with a passion for good food and pampering.
For six months prior to my birthday I sweated away twice a week spinning at the gym, preparing myself for the most delicious trip. I signed on for a bike trip which rode through the Napa and Sonoma Valley, called a solo adventure – not a singles trip, not for the lonely, a tour for those that were traveling on their own — incredible, that was perfect. Spas, great wines, beautiful vineyards, fine food and biking, how much more ideal could it be?!! It seems like a dream now, how I found the nerve to think out of the box and do something on my own – but, I enjoyed the ride of my life. It was an unbelievable experience, story and adventure.
I recommend celebrating your birthday
by realizing your dreams.
Achieving your goals and living out your dreams that is the best gift you can give yourself. It’s life affirming, just what you need to celebrate your birthday.
Today, I make my birthday special by throwing my own little birthday party celebrating with my children. I take them to an event that I know we will all enjoy (ok, maybe I’m selfish this one time and I enjoy it the most), we go to the theatre, a new restaurant; I’m always trying something new. But, I have two rules which they have to abide by, 1 - they can’t complain and 2- they have to make me a birthday card. It’s an adventure for us all and a new experience for them. If I’m lucky enough to have a few extra dollars, I buy myself something special too, a pair of earrings, bracelet or a massage.
I’ve come a long way baby and I’m worth it.
1 comment March 9, 2008
The Two Sides of Divorce
Did you know that divorce is a process?
di·vorce (dĭ-vôrs′, -vōrs′) n. the legal dissolution of a marriage; v. to sever the marital relationship with a spouse by a judgment or decree of divorce.
If divorce were as straightforward as the dictionary definition, the process would be a whole lot easier.
Couples, children, and extended families could carry on with their lives as if nothing much had changed. The “legal dissolution” could involve collegial discussions in lawyers’ boardrooms followed by the signing of papers, a handshake, and best wishes all around. Actually, some lawyers and judges favor the dictionary definition. “Treat your divorce as a business transaction,” they urge couples who come to see them. There’s a lot of wisdom in this piece of advice, if it is applied to the legal side of divorce. But this view neglects the emotional side of divorce. It’s as if they’re saying, “Business partnerships . . . marriage partnerships . . . what’s the difference?”
Most people who have gone through a divorce–and most lawyers and judges, too–will tell you that the dictionary definition captures only one small part of the reality of divorce.
Divorce is an extremely demanding and painful
experience riddled with complications
When divorce isn’t tragic, it’s at least extremely disappointing. A relationship that was launched in a hopeful wedding ceremony followed by candlelight and the celebratory clinking of glasses has turned into a fire fueled by fear, anger, grief, and guilt.
I know, having gone through divorce myself, that it is both a business transaction (which I certainly didn’t realize at the time) and a time of deep emotional distress (which I experienced all too well). And while it would be really nice if the two elements could be handled one after the other–you could spend a few years dealing with the emotional issues, and then, heart and head clear, go through the legal process–I also know that emotions and legal processes cannot be clinically separated.
But the ultimate challenge of divorce is precisely this: the legal issues come up at the beginning of the process, when you’re least able to deal with them objectively.
Managing the “emotional” and the “legal” divorce
A smart divorce is one in which you accept that:
- both the emotional and legal sides of divorce are real and valid
- you have to go through both, and pretty much at the same time
- emotions and the legal process cannot be perfectly sealed off from each other
To get a smart divorce, you have to understand how to keep the “two divorces”–the emotional divorce and the legal divorce–as separate as possible. Emotions should be kept out of the legal proceedings as much as possible. Letting your emotions become part of your legal decision-making process will ratchet up your legal costs, cause you to make faulty decisions, prolong the divorce process, and hold everyone back–yourself included–from moving on to a rosier future.
1 comment March 3, 2008
How a Divorce Consultant Can Help You
HOW A DIVORCE CONSULTANT CAN
HELP YOU THROUGH THE PROCESS
Managing a divorce truly is a process. However, you may not know what this process is, how to proceed, and how to process information and counsel along the way to make better decisions. After all, you probably did not approach your marriage with the expectation that you might some day require an exit plan.
Many lawyers would agree that the divorce process should be handled like a business transaction. Yet, it is difficult during this ‘transaction’ to separate out your emotions which are probably at high tide from the important decisions that will affect you and your children for many years to come. It can also be difficult to get the divorce process started or to know how to choose a lawyer, assess if your lawyer is right for you, select other experts such as accountants, therapists and parenting experts, work cost effectively with legal counsel, and ensure you put your children’s best interests first. All of these are areas where a divorce consultant can be very helpful to you.
The role of a divorce consultant is to help you navigate the divorce process so that you can better focus on what needs to be done while also reducing the complexity and costs of divorce. The goal is to assist you in making decisions with confidence by providing the research and education you need to work more effectively with your divorce team.
A divorce consultant is not a substitute for the important roles of lawyer or therapist. However, a divorce consultant can play a vital role in the divorce process. This includes helping people to understand what to expect, providing a basic knowledge of the dispute resolutions, and ultimately to be better prepared and more confident. Working with a divorce consultant is short term and usually consists of one to three sessions.
Some of the specific objectives of a
Divorce Consultant are to help you:
- understand the divorce dispute resolutions available
- interview and choose the right divorce lawyer
- ask the right questions of legal counsel and experts
- know what financial and background information to bring to your lawyer
- organize and manage your divorce file
- assess what experts you might want to add to your divorce team
- access referrals to lawyers, therapists, mediators, accountants and financial experts, organizations, literature
- understand the emotional turmoil
Understanding Dispute Resolutions
There are alternatives to court that you need to be aware of and to consider when looking for legal counsel. Having a basic understanding of what these options are will assist you in choosing the right process and the right lawyer for you. A divorce consultant can help you to better understand and sort through the various alternative dispute resolutions such as negotiation, mediation, arbitration and Collaborative Practice.
This is one of the most important decisions you will make in your divorce. You need to make the time and effort to find the right person for you. A divorce consultant can help you to understand the consultation process and can provide guidance and referrals to assist you with your search.
1 comment March 3, 2008
Children’s Bill of Rights from…..
Children’s Bill of Rights
from DivorceHQ.com
Here is another Children’s Bill of Rights which I came across and should help divorcing parents think about what the best interests of the children really mean and other ideas to accomplish this.
We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.
- The right not to be asked to “choose sides” or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
- The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
- The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
- The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
- The right not to be a messenger.
- The right to express my feelings.
- The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
- The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
- The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
- The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
- The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
- The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well being.
- The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
- The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
- The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
- The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.
Please realize that this is NOT law, anywhere. The “Children’s’ Bill of Rights” is not legally enforceable, but rather suggestions made to keep the best interest of the child a priority.
Add comment February 29, 2008
Children’s Bill of Rights
Children’s Bill of Rights
While researching the children’s best interest, I came across this article which I wanted to share. As parent’s we always think that we are right about our children, but did you know that children have rights too?
As I am bound by the rules not to edit these rights, I specifically want to bring your attention to points 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 11, 12, 14, 15, 17
KIDFORUMs CHILDREN’S BILL of RIGHTS
March 1 - April 20 1996
We, Children from seven countries and three continents, having communicated with each other over the Internet, agree that the following are natural rights of Children all over the world, and hereby ratify them:
Preamble:
We believe that a successful society invests its best resources and hopes in the success of its children.
An unsuccessful society ignores or maltreats its children.
Children are the future of our species.
How a society treats its children is a direct reflection of how that society looks at its future.
The Children’s Bill of Rights proposes rights for children that all adults on Earth should honor, so that we may help create the very best future for ourselves and, in turn, our own children.
A moral and competent society is one that respects and upholds the rights of its children.
A society that fails to do so is immoral and incompetent.
ARTICLES OF THE CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS
Section I: ARTICLES THAT ARE IMPLEMENTED IMMEDIATELY
1. CHILDREN’S UNIVERSAL RIGHTS
As compared to adults, children until the age of 18 have the right to receive special care and protection.
Children all have the same rights, no matter what country they were born in or are living in, what their sex is, what their race is, or what their religion is.
2. RIGHT TO INHERIT A BETTER WORLD
Children have the right to inherit a world that is at least as good as the one their parents inherited.
Children have a responsibility to think about how they will leave a better world to their children, and, when they become adults, they have the right and duty to act on this.
3. RIGHT TO INFLUENCE THE FUTURE
Children have the right to participate in discussions having to do with the directions our society is taking — on the large political, economic, social, and educational issues and policies — so that children can help create the kind of world they will grow up in.
Adults have an obligation to communicate their views of these large issues in terms that children can understand, and provide children with the same information that is available to all adults.
Children have the right to understand how things change within society, and to learn how to influence these changes.
4. RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF THOUGHT, OPINION, EXPRESSION, CONSCIENCE, AND RELIGION
Every child has the right to express his or her opinion freely, and adults should address that opinion with the child in every decision that affects him or her.
Children have the right to carry out research to help form these opinions.
Children have the right to express their views, obtain information, and make ideas or information known.
Children have the right to form their own views in matters of conscience and religion.
5. RIGHT TO MEDIA ACCESS
Children have guaranteed access to all important communications media so that they may communicate nationally and internationally amongst themselves and with adults.
6. RIGHT TO PARTICIPATE IN DECISIONS AFFECTING CHILDREN
Children have the right to participate in all committees and decisions that make plans and set policies that directly or indirectly affect children.
7. RIGHT TO PRIVACY
Children have the right to privacy to the same extent adults have.
8. RIGHT TO RESPECT AND COURTESY
Children should be treated with respect and courtesy by adults, as well as by other children.
9. RIGHT TO AN IDENTITY
Children separated from their birth parents at birth or at an early age have the right to know that this happened.
Children have the right to know their name, who their birth parents are, and when and where they were born.
10. RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF ASSOCIATION
Children have the right to meet with others, and to join or form associations, equivalent to that held by adults.
11. RIGHT TO CARE AND NURTURING
Children have the right to have nurturing and caring parents or guardians.
12. RIGHT TO LEISURE AND PLAY
Children have the right to leisure, play, and participation in cultural and artistic activities.
Children have the right to enjoy at least a few hours every day when they are free from worries.
13. RIGHT TO SAFE WORK
Children have the right to be protected from work that threatens their health, education, or development.
Children have the right to have pocket money so that they may learn to manage money.
14. RIGHT TO AN ADEQUATE STANDARD OF LIVING
Every child has the right to a standard of living adequate for his or her physical, mental, spiritual, moral, and social development, no matter how wealthy his or her parents are.
15. RIGHT TO LIFE, PHYSICAL INTEGRITY AND PROTECTION FROM MALTREATMENT
Children have the right to be protected from all forms of maltreatment by any adult, including a parent.
This includes but is not limited to: physical abuse, including torture, violence, hitting and slapping; harmful drugs, including alcohol and tobacco; mental abuse; and sexual abuse.
Infanticide is prohibited.
No child shall be forced into marriage.
16. RIGHT TO A DIVERSE ENVIRONMENT AND CREATIVITY
Children have the right to have many different things, people, and ideas in their environment.
Children have the right to listen to music of their choice.
Children have the right NOT to have their creativity stifled.
17. RIGHT TO EDUCATION
Every child has the right to education, education that aims to develop his or her personality, talents, and mental and physical abilities to the fullest extent, no matter how wealthy the child’s parents are.
Education should foster respect for a child’s parents, for the child’s own cultural identity, language and values, as well as for the cultural background and values of others.
Children have the right to an excellent education in any school.
Schools will differ not in the quality of the education they offer, but only in their philosophies of teaching, and what professional specializations they stress.
18. RIGHT TO ACCESS APPROPRIATE INFORMATION AND TO A BALANCED DEPICTION OF REALITY
Adults have the obligation to provide children with information from several different sources.
Children should be protected from materials adults consider harmful.
Children have the right to have reality presented to them in a balanced and accurately representative fashion.
19. RIGHT NOT TO BE EXPOSED TO PREJUDICE
Children have the right NOT to be taught that one group (racial, national, religious, etc.) is superior to another.
Section II: ARTICLES THAT REQUIRE SOCIAL OR NATIONAL POLICIES
20. THE RIGHT TO A CLEAN ENVIRONMENT
Children have a right to a clean environment (water, air, ground, sea).
21. RIGHT TO A SMALL NATIONAL DEBT
Governments and countries must decrease national debt which will have to be paid for
by future generations.
22. RIGHT TO VOTE
Children over 14 have the right to vote on issues that directly affect children, in all local, regional, national and international elections.
23. RIGHT TO MEDICAL CARE
Children have the right to be kept alive and in the best health and medical care science can provide, no matter how wealthy their parents are.
24. LEGAL RIGHTS
Children accused of crimes have at least the same legal rights as adults.
No child shall be institutionalized against her or his will without due process rights.
25. RIGHT NOT TO PARTICIPATE IN WAR
Young people under 21 have the right NOT to go to war.
The Children’s Bill of Rights may be freely reproduced and distributed provided it is done so in its entirety and unaltered, and with this paragraph attached.
As of April 20, 1996, children from 7 countries and 3 continents had ratified The Children’s Bill of Rights.
2 comments February 29, 2008
Putting your children’s best interests first
The Best Interests of Your Children
While conducting some research for an upcoming book within The Smart Divorce® series I had an interesting conversation with a child protection lawyer about the best interests of the children. From this lawyer’s perspective and what I see in my consulting practice and watching what goes on around me, we agreed that people often talk about it, but don’t necessarily do it – that is put their children’s best interests first. What does best interest of the children really mean? Is it fitting your schedule into your children’s or the other way around?
Defining Children’s Best Interest
There are many definitions as to what best interest means. The Geneva Convention defines it as acknowledging that every child has certain basic rights, including the right to life, his or her own name and identity, to be raised by his or her parents within a family or cultural grouping and have a relationship with both parents, even if that means they live in two different households. It sounds straightforward, but it isn’t necessarily that easy because divorce is complicated by emotions. And – these emotions if not managed, can impair your parenting skills – causing you to think you are putting your children’s best interest first, but many parents are not! This can happen when parents are overwhelmed with their own emotions causing their parenting skills to be weakened.
Simply put, the best interests of the children means doing what is best for your children. How do you achieve this when you might be feeling raw and bitter? You need to:
- deal with your emotions (use your support network for help such as a therapist, clergy, support groups, friends and family)
- Put your emotions on the shelf so that you can be the best parent for you children.
- Let your children participate in activities and do what they would normally have done if you were married.
Children should not be punished because an
activity falls on one parent or the others time
While a parent might be supportive of an extra curricular activity, they don’t let the children participate because it falls on their time – thinking that it is punishing the other parent, when actually it is the children who suffer.
You need to recognize, that children are not possessions they are not “my children, not your children”– they still have 2 parents, you need to reframe your thinking into these children being our children.
1 comment February 29, 2008
