The divorce process can be overwhelming. The need to stay focused and organized is even that much more important. Here are some ideas to help achieve those objectives……..

Keep a “Divorce Journal”

If you’re in the midst of a divorce, or even contemplating one, consider keeping a journal of events for your lawyer. Note all events that you feel are relevant to your divorce and may affect the outcome. These could be events that involve you or your children. You and your lawyer will want to refer to this journal to help you confirm relevant dates and information. You might want to include this information in affidavits, letters, etc. It helps with accuracy of information and validates facts, dates, and times.

The journal might prove especially important if you end up going to trial. Judges don’t know what really happened; they only know what the lawyers, through their clients, tell them. So a diary of everything that happens could be used as evidence if you go to court. The party that fails to keep a diary is at a significant disadvantage.

Create a Meetings Notebook

What I advise my clients which they find most helpful to staying organized, refreshing their memory, and ensuring they follow up on meetings and tasks is to create a “divorce notebook”. This book can be divided into four sections:

1. Meeting agenda and questions
2. Notes from the meeting
3. Next steps or to do list. Include deadline dates, completion dates, and the date when the completed task or document was communicated or sent to your legal counsel.
4. Contacts, their phone numbers, and miscellaneous information

When creating and maintaining your own notebook, be sure to date everything.

Set Up a Divorce Filing System

Your filing system need not be anything complicated or expensive, and simple file folders are perfect. I just happen to prefer legal size, but use whatever works best for you. One way to start is to file all of your divorce-related paperwork in chronological order within specific headings that are relevant to your case. Here are some ideas for the headings you may want to set up:

· correspondence with lawyer, organized by date and topic

· orders or agreements

· folder for each member of your divorce team (financial expert, parenting expert, and so forth).

· financial statements–the statements of assets and liabilities

· invoices/statements–all costs associated with your divorce

· parenting plan

· discovery or deposition transcripts.

If you want to get more detailed, you could arrange files more specifically –according to particular financial or child-related issues, for instance. Of course, the detail you go into also depends on the type of divorce you’re pursuing. For instance, you might not need a discovery or deposition file if you are not litigating.

Posted in cost saving strategies, divorce, lawyers, legal divorce, smart divorce       ]]> http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/10/06/tips-to-keeping-organized-during-divorce/feed/ The Smart Divorce http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/10/03/the-smart-divorce-workshop-at-centennial-college/ http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/10/03/the-smart-divorce-workshop-at-centennial-college/#comments Fri, 03 Oct 2008 13:32:51 +0000 The Smart Divorce http://thesmartdivorce.wordpress.com/?p=191

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The Jewish High Holidays are just days away, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’m sure many are counting down the shopping days until Christmas. Celebrating holidays can be a stressful time when you’re divorced – but it doesn’t need to be.

I’ve written about this before, but I know it is top of mind for many, so I felt I should blog about it again. If you find yourself without your children or extended family at a time when you traditionally celebrated with them, it can be a sad and lonely experience without them now.

Here’s a little reminder of what I have previously posted and tips to get you though.

Who says you have to celebrate those days the traditional route or the way you celebrated when you were married? If you find yourself alone, create new meaning for these celebrations and enjoy them on your own terms. Here are some tips to get you through these celebrations.

• Create new traditions. If the old traditions are too painful to follow, let them go. Instead of trying to re-create the past, create your own positive future.

• Throw your own party and invite friends or family who have nowhere to go during this time.

• Make a special effort to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Don’t try drowning your sorrows with alcohol or food.  Doing anything to excess when you are sad or worried is rarely a smart move.

• Be good to yourself. Go for a manicure or massage, buy a great CD, catch up on your favorite hobby. Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend or family member.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, speak with a trusted friend, therapist or someone in your support group.

• Plan ahead. If it looks like you’re going to be spending the time on your own, find an interesting activity or a place to travel so you can be with other people.

• Surround yourself with people, whether from your support network, your family, your church or synagogue. You may even be able to attend a special support group holiday function.

• Contemplate how you would like your life to look like post-divorce and write down what you need to do to get there. Start doing one of those things now.

• Stay in control by making lists of what you need to do and checking each item off as you accomplish it.

• Use any time alone to do the things you’ve been putting off — catching up on paperwork; catching up on sleep; reading the great book that’s been sitting unopened for weeks or months; calling the friend you’ve been meaning to reconnect with.

• If putting on a dinner or party in the family home doesn’t feel right, try doing something for others off site. For example, you could visit a retirement home and read to those whose families can’t be with them during the holidays.

• Continue to make the holidays special for your children. Include them in developing new traditions. Ask them how they would like to celebrate.

• Plan ahead how your children are going to spend the holidays. Avoid the stress of figuring things out last minute. This will give you a sense of comfort, relief and control.

• Be creative and flexible. If your children are not celebrating the holidays with you, think about making another day during holiday time a special day together.

• If your children are going to be with their other parent, phone them and wish them a happy holiday. Let them know that you are thinking about them.

• Don’t make your children feel that they have to take care of you during this special time. Send them the message that the holidays are a special time and you want them to enjoy themselves.

• Spare the occasional good thought for your ex.  Your marriage likely had some good moments. Remembering those times occasionally will help you lift yourself out of your bitterness about your current situation.

Wishing everyone good health, happiness and prosperity; peace and love.

The dating game, and how to ensure you are putting

your children’s best interests first.

It’s been said that dating is something that is good for you but can be hard on your children, because it pulls you away from them and may be confusing for them. There are no specific rules for dating when you have kids; there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Of course, your priority should still be your children, and sometimes you have to sacrifice your needs for them.

Dating postdivorce, achieving balance in your life and putting your children’s best interest first can be a challenge. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.

http://www.more.ca/relationships/married-life/from-dam-to-glam-dating-after-divorce/a/1800

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into dating postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

Knowing how to put your children’s best interests first
will give you a sense of comfort, calm and
the freedom to enjoy yourself.

Flexibility is especially important as your children enter their teen years. Teenagers are self-centered. Teenagers are fickle. Teenagers tend to see their parents for what they can offer–a wallet (money), a fridge (food, food, and more food), a bed (a place to sleep all day) and a car (with you as either their personal chauffeur or the “giver of the car keys”).

Don’t mistake your teenager’s struggle for independence, or his or her desire to spend more time with friends or on the Internet, for symptoms of your divorce. As children reach their early or mid-teens, their peer groups become essential to their lives. They don’t care about Mom’s time or Dad’s time; they just care about their own time. Their whole life focuses around their friends, which is normal–their primary focus is on themselves.

Many parents also complain that their children never let them know ahead of time what they will be doing, but that may be because the children themselves do not really know; that’s not how children make their plans. They get on their computers, they instant message each other, and the plan emerges, sometimes within a space of fifteen minutes. All of a sudden, they are busy and on their way to join up with friends.

Teenage behavior can be hard to take sometimes. The teen years can be especially hard for noncustodial parents. If you live an hour away from your child’s primary residence, where his or her school and peer group are, that makes it tough for the teenager to really enjoy his or her time at your home. As difficult as it may be for the noncustodial parent, most times that parent needs to take a backseat role to the person who is the custodial parent.

Here are some tips to stay connected with your teens:

• Offer to drive them to their friends.
• Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
• Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.

Try not to think in terms of minutes and hours;

think in terms of the quality of the relationship

you are building and sustaining.

As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.

If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:

Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family

Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.

On the family calendar, list:

· birthdates

· school schedules

· other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish rules such as the following:

· Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.

· Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.

· It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.

· It’s up to you to take the initiative.

· Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.

· Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.

· Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship

with your children:

· Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.

· As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).

Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.

I know from the many people I speak with, that the monthly statement from their lawyer’s office seems to be the last piece of mail to get opened. It’s not like you are running to your mail to see if it is there. And, the questions you ask yourself as you open the statement can make you anxious. Are there enough funds in the retainer to cover this bill? Do I need to submit additional money? Why can’t I keep the bills down? Why does the bill add up to so much so quickly? Why? Why? Why?

Instead of asking yourself why, utilize the how to strategies to keep your legal costs down, while maintaining control over what is going on in your file.

Here are some cost saving tips to help you cut down on your legal bill:

Maximize your meeting time

- Schedule your meetings through your lawyer’s assistant.

 - Make a list of questions you would like to discuss, organized by topic or issue.

 - Have an agenda ready, with all items and issues to be discussed.

 - Take notes.

 - Do any follow-up work the lawyer gives you (reviewing documents, contacting a specific specialist, and so forth), and make sure it is done in a timely manner.

Make all communications cost effective

 - Save up your questions. Don’t call or e-mail your lawyer every single time you have an inquiry.

 - Check with your lawyer first and find out how he or she likes to handle communications–via e-mail, phone calls, or meetings with prepared agendas. Also ask for recommendations on making your communications more efficient.

Provide as much written information as possible

 - Many lawyers have their clients write out an account of their marital history. Ask your lawyer if this is what should be done.

Use your lawyer’s services cost effectively

 - Listen to your lawyer and take notes.

 - Remember, if you want to vent and complain about your soon-to-be ex-spouse, the meter is still running.

 - If you are able to, do certain tasks, such as filling out the financial statement, yourself.

 - Don’t micromanage (pay extreme attention to the small details of) your case. This only causes your legal bills to escalate and slows down the process.

And, if there is something that doesn’t make

sense to you, ask your lawyer.

Developing realistic expectations when it comes

to finances is of utmost importance

One of the many concerns that my client’s voice most often during a consultation is their lack of knowledge and organization skills when it comes to their finances.

Getting your finances in order with the objective of cutting down on your legal expenses should be a priority

Lawyers don’t always agree on every issue. But, when it comes to finances, all lawyers agree on how important it is for their clients to be as financially aware as possible. It’s the best way to learn your rights and obligations and to determine realistic financial expectations early in the divorce process. And the more you can manage and organize your information for your lawyer, the more you can help reduce your lawyer’s billable hours!

Here are some ideas as to learn about your finances if you were not involved with finances during your marriage:

• Get more involved in your finances. Know the basics – pay the bills and file the statements. Learn how your daily and monthly expenses are managed.
• Understand where your money is coming from and understand how to budget.
• Take part in managing or setting up any investments, know what your outstanding mortgage is and the terms and so on.
• Gain awareness of your outstanding assets and liabilities.

Many lawyers suggest that if someone is contemplating a divorce or separating, one of the first things you should do is accumulate the financial information.

Once the divorce process is under way, your lawyer will need ready access to all relevant financial documents. Start by locating and gathering together the following records pertaining to both you and your spouse:

 - social security numbers

 - income tax returns for the past three years

 - retirement savings plans statements for the past three years

 - bank account statements

 - insurance policies (life; automobile; house; other)

 - stock certificates

 - credit card bills

 - employment payment stubs

 - brokerage statements

 - pension statements

 - health insurance and work-related benefits

 - real estate records

 - receipts and monthly statements documenting household expenses and everyday expenses (groceries, gas, heat, water, personal grooming, transportation, gifts, clothing, laundry and cleaning supplies, entertainment, miscellaneous expenses, and so forth)

 - list of all assets and liabilities

 - date of separation (the date of separation, or “valuation date,” is the date that is used to determine the value of particular assets–the matrimonial home, bank statements, investments, and so forth)

Photocopy everything, and store your set in a separate folder from the original records. Don’t just keep the originals for your own personal use; the other side is entitled to these documents, too. If you do withhold these records from the other side, sooner or later you are going to be asked to provide them, which will cost you even more in legal fees.

Keeping this information organized, being well informed and involved will give you a feeling of control, reduce the stress, and help to develop realistic financial objectives.

What to do when there is domestic violence

The issue of domestic violence is extremely serious and far too complex to be covered in a few short paragraphs in this blog. I do not want to treat it lightly, and I am not an expert on the topic. However, I do think it is important to know the available resources. If you are living in this terrible circumstance, then the stakes of your divorce are that much higher, the physical and emotional pain that you face is far greater, and the need for a support system to help you through this time and maintain your sanity is that much more urgent. You can reach out to mental health professionals, support organizations, and the courts for assistance in helping you seek safety.

 - Mental health professionals. Look for someone who has training and competency in working with the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse. You may find someone with the appropriate training and understanding through your lawyer or family doctor.

 - Women’s shelters. If you are in an abusive, violent relationship, you may seek refuge in a shelter for a period of time.

 - The court system. You can use the courts to obtain a restraining order or a no contact order.

Help for Victims of Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Hotline

www.ndvh.org

(800) 799-7233

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is a not-for-profit organization that provides crisis intervention, information, and referrals to victims of domestic violence, perpetrators, friends, and families. The hotline answers a variety of calls and is a resource for domestic violence advocates, government officials, law enforcement agencies, and the general public. NDVH serves as the only domestic violence hotline in the United States and has access to more than five thousand shelters and domestic violence programs across the United States, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Shelternet

www.shelternet.ca

Shelternet is a Canadian national not-for-profit charitable organization committed to working toward the prevention of violence against women and their children. Shelternet is dedicated to decreasing barriers faced by women accessing help online, and to increasing the technological capacities of shelters for abused women and their children. The site contains special sections on topics such as understanding abuse, finding shelter, and abuse and children.

Other ways to seek help: To find help in your local area via the Internet, use a search engine such as Google (www.google.com) to look up phrases such as “assaulted women’s hotline,” “domestic violence,” “family violence,” “abusive situations,” and “shelters” along with the name of your city or area.

Call 911 or your local police if you are in immediate danger.

Achieving happiness postdivorce is possible. But, like most things in life with a positive outcome, it requires hard work. There are things that you can do as you move through the divorce process to prepare and enable you to move forward with focus, hope and confidence; upon closing your divorce file.

Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to accomplish postdivorce happiness. 5-steps-to-post-divorce-happiness-more-magazine-12

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on - postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

Life is like a book: some chapters are more difficult to get through than others. When I started living on my own again, I thought about how the new chapters of my own life were going to be written. I began to ask myself many questions. Can people actually be single and happy postdivorce? If they can, how do they achieve this? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets–just follow these few simple steps and, poof, a new you, easily transformed while you sleep? Or can you only reach that elusive goal of happiness when you find that perfect mate–your knight in shining armor or damsel in distress?

Think about how you would like your life to look like postdivorce and start doing some of those things now. You have choices and control. It’s up to you as to how this new chapter in your life is going to be written.