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Putting your children’s best interests first
The Best Interests of Your Children
While conducting some research for an upcoming book within The Smart Divorce® series I had an interesting conversation with a child protection lawyer about the best interests of the children. From this lawyer’s perspective and what I see in my consulting practice and watching what goes on around me, we agreed that people often talk about it, but don’t necessarily do it – that is put their children’s best interests first. What does best interest of the children really mean? Is it fitting your schedule into your children’s or the other way around?
Defining Children’s Best Interest
There are many definitions as to what best interest means. The Geneva Convention defines it as acknowledging that every child has certain basic rights, including the right to life, his or her own name and identity, to be raised by his or her parents within a family or cultural grouping and have a relationship with both parents, even if that means they live in two different households. It sounds straightforward, but it isn’t necessarily that easy because divorce is complicated by emotions. And – these emotions if not managed, can impair your parenting skills – causing you to think you are putting your children’s best interest first, but many parents are not! This can happen when parents are overwhelmed with their own emotions causing their parenting skills to be weakened.
Simply put, the best interests of the children means doing what is best for your children. How do you achieve this when you might be feeling raw and bitter? You need to:
- deal with your emotions (use your support network for help such as a therapist, clergy, support groups, friends and family)
- Put your emotions on the shelf so that you can be the best parent for you children.
- Let your children participate in activities and do what they would normally have done if you were married.
Children should not be punished because an
activity falls on one parent or the others time
While a parent might be supportive of an extra curricular activity, they don’t let the children participate because it falls on their time – thinking that it is punishing the other parent, when actually it is the children who suffer.
You need to recognize, that children are not possessions they are not “my children, not your children”– they still have 2 parents, you need to reframe your thinking into these children being our children.
1 comment February 29, 2008
What Happy Divorcées Know
What Happy Divorcées Know
Why is it that some people can move on happy, while others walk around bitter and angry many years postdivorce?
It’s not necessarily the decisions you make, but how you
learn to live with them
There is one thing for certain and that is, there is no looking back. All I and everyone around me wants, is to be “happy”. What does happiness really mean, and how do we realize this goal? What I’ve learned is that life is a journey. It is a rocky road full of bends and bumps and lots of uncertainty. But, if you allow it to be so, it can be exciting, frustrating, sad, lonely, enjoyable, adventurous and fulfilling. The challenge is to make the choices that lead us to this place of “happiness” while enjoying the ride life offers.
Waiting for Perfection
If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll be waiting forever. Just the other day, someone sent me an email with a picture of four skeletons sitting around a table playing cards……were these unhappy people waiting for something or someone to come into their lives to make them happy? Were they waiting for that perfect time for their happiness to arrive? This picture, made me realize that if you wait, you’ll be waiting forever. Any result that is truly worthwhile needs to be worked at.
Is the ever searching answer for
happiness really possible?
Can people actually be single post divorce and be happy? If they are then how do they achieve this reality? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets? Just follow these few simple steps and poof a new you, easily transformed while you sleep. Ha! Not likely. Maybe you think that the illusive goal of happiness only exists when you find that perfect mate; your knight in shining armor, or damsel in distress. Well, you’re single and that image you had of “happily ever after” needs to be reworked. It is possible; it’s just not the cliché.
Life postdivorce is a journey
into the unknown
Not realizing at the time, I had embarked on an adventure with some mysterious destination yet to be determined. I opened myself up to many new experiences and opportunities and on the way I have become a very different person. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today, with the person I was while married or even while I was in my 20’s. I’ve changed. I now have straight hair when I had curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. In reality though, the changes have become significantly more than just physical.
This much I can say for sure; I had to do something when I realized that life would pass me by if I just waited for that perfect mate. Not growing, my life could be summed up in a five minute conversation!
I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children, an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. How did I gain such a rich life? I certainly did not have this when I separated. It was with a lot of hard work and desire to be happy.
Tips on Becoming a Happy Divorcée
As the “title of this piece suggests” according to happy divorcee, co-author Cathy Greenberg, an expert on the new science of happiness, AND co-author of the “What Happy Know Brands, LLC book series, happiness can be found in all aspects of our lives. Both good and not so good.
While researching my next book on divorce I came across “What Happy Women Know” and was fortunate to speak with co-author and behavioral scientist Cathy L. Greenberg, Ph.D. who shared this wisdom from her own “experience” with divorce that we can all use for achieving happiness postdivorce:
With every ending comes a new beginning but often our culture does not provide the “rituals” we need to close one door as we open another. We know how to celebrate birth, engagements, marriage and even death. Too often however, we are not familiar with how to deal with “less than positive” outcomes like divorce. I always look for the opportunity in everything. A divorce can bring new freedom to examine your life, a new job, or to learn new things. Divorce can help you understand what to do differently in the future and how to build on your strengths rather than focus on weaknesses. The secret is to think positive and stay out of the “negative looping” our brains are famous for. When I went through my own divorce I learned that I could count on myself because I focused on the “positive” about me. My strength was not only important for my wellbeing but for my daughter as well. I knew that the memory of my divorce would be painful, but the resilience I had as I looked at the future was infallible. I always had me, my gifts and my abilities to count on no matter what. I always look back at my divorce as an opportunity to learn more about the best in me.
For more tips on the science of happiness and becoming a happy divorcee check out these books:
What Happy Women Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Change Women’s Lives for the Better by Dan Baker, Cathy Greenberg, and Ina Yalof
What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better by Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth
2 comments February 27, 2008
Moving Between Mom’s Home and Dad’s Home
Children Live out the Divorce
Children are the one’s who live out the divorce. Often times, it is the children who move their belongings week in and week out, from mom’s home to dad’s and dad’s home to mom’s. As parent’s we need to consider the impact and make the adjustment and transition as easy as possible for them – to minimize the impact of how they live with divorce.
Minimize the impact of transition between homes
The easier a parent can make the transition for their children, the better it is for the family. Transition can also be difficult for you as a parent, because you’re giving up your children for a period of time. But you must realize that this is not about you; it is about your children.
I remember that for the first few months when my children left to be with their father………
…..they were not themselves when they came home. They were hyper and wound up. They would run to their bedrooms to make sure everything was still the same. It was a mixed bag of emotions for all. It’s like they had one personality at their dad’s house and another at mine. I was told that’s normal. Although I was aware of these differences, having them react differently to me certainly hit me hard.
Give your children time to adjust
I’ve learned to give my children their “adjustment time.” I realized that they were sort of compartmentalizing their surroundings–from Mom’s house to Dad’s house. We now have a routine when they come home from their dad’s. I usually make a little treat (chocolate chip banana bread is their favorite), they relax a bit, and then we snuggle and watch TV. Here are some other tips for easing the transition:
- Give children something to look forward to when they come home. Talk to them about what this could be–a special snack, alone time, a TV show to watch, and so forth.
- Involve your children in what they need to do when they come home (check e-mail, read, do homework–whatever offers them comfort and makes them feel at home).
- Ask your children: what can I do for you to make it easier for you?
Whether or not you like your former spouse and whether or not you agree with his or her parenting style, there is not much you can do about what occurs at the other home. Children are entitled to spend time with both parents. Your task is to send them off in the same way you would if you were sending them anywhere else where you wanted them to have a good time while they’re away from you. Your job is to put your children’s best interest first.
Add comment February 27, 2008
Watch Deborah talk about………
The Smart Divorce – Live
If you haven’t seen the show “On the Line” on CTS you may want to watch it on March 10, 2008 on at 2pm. This show is a live-to-air one hour current affairs program. Listen to Deborah talk about how to have a smart divorce. And, if you are in the viewing area, please call in with your questions. This show airs in Ontario and Alberta.
Deborah is also part of the panel on Three Takes, a lifestyle-based studio show that gets behind the scenes and reveals what being single, married and divorced is really all about. Watch “Three Takes” on the Slice network, on May 7, 2008 at 12 noon and repeated at 6pm, also on May 8 at 8am. Don’t miss it, broadcast all across Canada!
Steven and Chris on CBC
If you haven’t had the opportunity to watch it, you may want to check out The Steven and Chris Show on CBC. It airs Monday – Friday at 2pm. I was on the show and talked about The Smart Divorce If you want to read about this segment, just click on the link:http://www.cbc.ca/stevenandchris/2008/01/smart_divorce.html
Add comment February 27, 2008
The Finances of Divorce
The Finances of Divorce
A client came into my office the other day, in tears. She was just about to sign papers to purchase her new home, but was now feeling unsure of her decision. My client was in the middle of negotiating her financial agreement and wanted to prepare herself for the fresh start she desired when her divorce became final.
There is no crystal ball as to how this will end……
While you might have an idea of where you would like to see yourself financially post-divorce, this objective and the final outcome might not necessarily the same.
Mistakes to avoid
- Don’t make any significant investments before your settlement is signed.
- Don’t make any significant purchases while negotiating your settlement – you might end up being responsible for that purchase, such as jewelry, vacation, clothing and so on.
- Don’t make purchases based on projections; you never know how it will turn out.
Establish your own financial identity
If you have been the financially uninformed spouse, and you do not have a credit rating, now is the time to start building one.
If you are in the matrimonial home and your spouse has left, you might want to consider changing the household bills to your name. Make sure you pay these off on time and in full. This is a good way to start establishing a good credit rating.
If you had a joint credit card with your former spouse, the principal card holder has the credit rating. Apply for your own credit card. If you are a first time card holder, you can always start out with a small credit limit and gradually increase it as you pay off on time and prove to be a good credit risk.
Get your finances in order
All lawyers agree on how important it is for their clients to be as financially aware as possible. It’s the best way to learn your rights and obligations and determine realistic expectations early in the divorce process. Your lawyer can then give you informed opinions based on fact, not on speculation. And the more you can manage and organize your information for your lawyer, and establish realistic financial goals, the more you can help reduce your lawyer’s billable hours!
· Get involved in your finances. Know the basics – pay the bills and file the statements. Learn how your daily and monthly expenses are managed.
· Determine where the money is coming from and how it is applied toward your budget.
· Take part in setting up investments such as retirement funds, and understand where and what the other assets are.
Many lawyers suggest that if someone is contemplating a divorce or separating, one of the first things they should do is accumulate the financial information.
1 comment February 20, 2008
My home is run down, but it’s not broken…….
My home is run down, but
it’s not broken…
The cabinet door in my kitchen has fallen off the hinge, the hot water tank just burst, the fridge door won’t close properly and I need a new roof. But while my home is in need of physical repair, it certainly does not need emotional repair.
I wrote about this in my book, The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts
You wouldn’t believe how many people it resonated with.
I’m divorced, but I don’t have a
Perhaps I’m sensitive, but I don’t consider my children to be growing up in a “broken home.” When I talk to my children, we call ourselves a family because that’s what we are.
We do not compare ourselves to more “traditional” families with two parents living at home. Divorce may change a family’s structure, but we’re still a family. All families – so-called “traditional” families and the rest of us – all have challenges, no matter how our living arrangements are configured.
Make life work for your kids
As a parent, your challenge is to make life work for your kids. Ensure they don’t view themselves as disadvantaged or as “children of divorce.” They’re regular children.
When I glimpse into families with two parents living at home, my home often appears to be working wonderfully well.
I may be a bit more frazzled than someone in a home with two parents living there – but that’s because of the practical everyday exigencies of life with three active children. (And who really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Just because there are two parents, does that always mean both parents share all the responsibilities? Don’t compare!)
There’s no one to share the driving with
I often have to be in two places at the same time. I run a business, but I still have to manage my personal affairs – on my own. So while I might be a bit more stressed (Did I mention I’m an A type personality?) my children are growing up in a healthy and loving environment.
I have house rules, set curfews (although I have been a bit lax at times), my children must get their homework done, and I’m always there to kiss them goodnight and listen to their worries.
Think about a few things…
What about blended families? Does blending suddenly unbreak “broken homes”?
What about the blended families where the culture is more like oil and water?
How about a family where both parents are living together but constantly fighting?
Or a family where both parents live together but one parent is never at home? Always working, always away on weekends and never around for the kids.
Constance Ahrons ,author of the highly praised books, We’re Still Family and The Good Divorce calls a single parent household a binuclear family –– a much healthier way to view a single parent household.
So, what do we call ourselves - FAMILY. A wonderful, supportive family, that is who we are.
Add comment February 18, 2008
The Smart Divorce Workshops
Limited space is still available in The Smart Divorce™ Workshops. These workshops are appropriate for individuals contemplating or already experiencing a divorce. Strategies for reducing financial costs and personal turmoil will be presented. Participants will learn what to expect legally and emotionally, and so be able to move through the process with confidence and focus while saving time and money. A subsequent session will address parenting issues, how to work with parenting experts more effectively, and available resources. Feedback from therapists and lawyers has indicated that The Smart Divorce Workshops have helped to prepare individuals for the process and make them better clients.
Program details:
The Smart Divorce: Learning the Basics – February 23, 2008
The Smart Divorce: Parenting Through Divorce – March 1, 2008
Time: 9:30 – 11 am
Location: 12 Lawton Boulevard, Toronto (Yonge and St. Clair)
If you feel that you could benefit from any of these programs please contact me at
905 695 0270 or by email at info@thesmartdivorce.com.
1 comment February 17, 2008
Divorce Survival Tips
Managing a divorce is a process. You might be wondering if it’s really possible to get a smart divorce and move on to a better life? The answer is yes - with a lot of hard work. Divorce is probably one of the most emotional experiences you will ever face. The process can be overwhelming. But, it need not be, if you are able to make your decisions with focus, hope and confidence.
How to Make Smart Decisions About Divorce
Get informed about the divorce process. Take the time to find a divorce lawyer that is right for you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Make sure to understand the dispute resolutions negotiation, mediation, collaborative family law, arbitration, mediation/arbitration and litigation. As best you can, try to treat your divorce as a business transaction; keep the emotions of divorce out of your lawyer’s office. You’re in charge; make sure to understand all your options before making decisions. Information is knowledge and knowledge is power!
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce has become so common today that people underestimate how powerful an experience it is. Understand that you are grieving your divorce, which is normal and to be expected. The fact is you are experiencing losses you probably never thought would happen. To help get you through this difficult time, develop your support network including friends, family, clergy, parenting groups, divorce groups, and/or a therapist. I promise you, you will feel better. As the saying goes - time is a healer!
Coping Strategies
The number-one coping strategy is to get yourself in a position of wanting very little from your ex-spouse. The less you want from him/her, the less frustrated you will be. Think about it - if you couldn’t change your ex when you were married, you certainly aren’t going to change him/her now. Also, realize you will never get the apology you want and may even deserve. Taking control of your life, getting organized and making informed decisions will be empowering.
Moving On
You need to give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead post divorce. Envision what you would like life to like to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there. Don’t procrastinate! It’s up to you to make these things happen. Your goal should be to create a better life today than the one you had before.
Your New Found Time
You will likely have to get used to the fact that your children are not going to be with you 24/7. They will be spending part of their time with your ex and part with you. You can’t control what goes on when your kids are with their other parent. Learn to let go and don’t worry about the stuff you can’t control. Use the time when your kids are not with you productively. Pursue your dreams and your interests. Maybe now you will even have the time to see a movie or go to the gym. So, go to your closet and clean out the emotional demons, put on your favorite jeans and t-shirt or great new outfit and make plans for a fabulous evening. Just go out and have fun!
1 comment February 14, 2008
How To Achieve A Smart Divorce
Divorce is a process:
- understand the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal divorce”
- understand the various dispute resolutions available
- make informed decisions
- minimize the financial, legal and emotional stress
Be SMART about your divorce
State your goals and objectives at the beginning. Make sure these are realistic.
Maximize your information and knowledge base.
Avoid reacting to your emotions.
Retain the best possible divorce team your budget allows.
Treat your divorce as a business transaction.
How to start The Smart Divorce
- Develop your support network – therapist, support groups, clergy, divorce consultant and friends.
- Choose your lawyer carefully - go to a consultation before you decide to retain
- Be informed. Understand the dispute resolutions – do-it-yourself; negotiation; mediation; collaborative family law; arbitration; litigation.
- Put your children’s best interests first.
- Hire the right team of professionals based on your needs – parenting expert; financial adviser and others.
- Get your finances in order.
- Stay organized – create your divorce notebook and divorce journal.
- Have a vision for how you want your life to unfold and develop strategies to get there.
1 comment February 12, 2008
Smarting About Your Divorce?
There is a way to have a smart divorce and move on in a healthier, less painful way. Hi, I’m Deborah Moskovitch, a divorce consultant and educator and author of
The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts.
I created this blog for the same reason that I wrote the The Smart Divorce. I realized that most people going through divorce are confused and don’t know where to turn to for information. I learned that many people feel alone and are looking for some impartial advice. That is what I provide through “The Smart Divorce”—the understanding and education about the divorce process so that people can make decisions with confidence and move on with the rest of their lives - intact and without regret.
Use this blog as your support group, educator and guide. I invite you to share your comments, ideas, thoughts, concerns, feelings….anything and everything about divorce. You will see, you’re not alone. I also invite you to visit my website at www.thesmartdivorce.com. The secret to being smart about divorce means managing the emotional side and the legal side of divorce separately. If you can do this, you are likely to save time, trouble, and money on your way to a smart divorce and a better life. We have a responsibility to ourselves, our children, our future and their future. I look forward to hearing from you………Deborah
4 comments February 11, 2008
