Posts filed under ‘the children’s best interest’
I share with More magazine online (more.ca) my most personal journey through divorce…..the purpose is to inspire and empower the reader with focus, hope and confidence.
There’s a story I often share in the hopes that it inspires and empowers others. I call it: Reframing your thoughts to create the best life yet. It’s about how my engagement ring changed from a symbol of love as a couple to love of myself. I know what you’re thinking: This sounds cliché, and this divorce consultantand educator is just one more flake trying to sell swampland in Florida.
Deciding to divorce was second only to the pain of telling my oldest child his parents were divorcing.
A week after my youngest child was born I learned some devastating facts about my marriage which were about to turn my world upside down. But, fifteen years later my world is not only sunny-side up but also a whole lot different — very fulfilling. I’m living out my dreams.
I’ll never forget the day a week after my third child was born. I tried to buy diapers for my son and my credit card was declined, yet again. The humiliation I felt when I approached my car empty handed, while my parents and baby were waiting for me, was devastating. There is usually a breaking point that causes people to make difficult decisions. And that episode was to be the start of mine. It was the low point that began my catalyst for change.
I believed in the sanctity of marriage in good and bad times. I grew up fairly sheltered, with tunnel vision and naiveté. The “D” word never existed in my vocabulary and I was determined to stay married. I made my life about my children. But all that unraveled that fateful day my diaper purchase was declined – the day I realized that the trust, communication and honesty were gone from my marriage.
To read the full article, click on the link: http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/how-your-divorce-can-be-empowering/a/37626
October 26, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I recently appeared on The Marilyn Denis Show on CTV. We discussed the issues, considerations and preparation going into the conversation to tell your children about your separation and divorce. We also talked about this very critical conversation. Click on the link to see the interview
http://www.marilyn.ca/parenting/segments.aspx/Daily/October2011/10_18_2011/DivorceGuide
I also provided a tip sheet…..here’s what I had to say
Divorce expert Deborah Moskovitch shares tips on how to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce.
Telling Your Children About Your Divorce
Research indicates that too few parents sit down and explain to their children that their marriage is ending, and they don’t encourage their children to ask questions. Parents that say nothing, leaving their children confused. When parents do not explain what’s happening to their children, the children feel anxious, upset and lonely and find it much harder to cope. Children don’t need to know the reasons behind the divorce, but what you can tell them is what it means to them and their lives.
Providing age-appropriate information will help your children and adolescents cope with the many changes in their lives initiated by the separation and divorce. It will make them feel less anxious. And it establishes a healthy pattern of communication with your children.
Preparing for conversation
Children and Adolescents are much smarter then we often give them credit for. There is information they will want to know and appropriate to share such as:
• The Parenting Plan. If you can, try to work out an interim agreement about what your living arrangements will be before you talk with your children. Although this plan might change later, your children will have more of a sense of confidence if they know you’ve put some thought into the separation and how it might impact them.
• Provide Reassurance. Let your children know that they are equally important to both of you, and you both want to be with them. Assure your children that the divorce is between mom and dad, and not your children – we will always be your parents.
• Be prepared with answers. Try to think of the questions that your children might ask, and be ready with an answer – for example, they will want to know if they will be able to attend the same school, or see their friends and extended family and where each of you will be living.
Talk about it together
It is helpful for both parents to talk with the children together. This gives them a consistent message and shows them that you both love them that you can and will work together and parent cooperatively even though you are divorcing. When it is not possible to talk to children together, do the best you can to coordinate what you are saying to them and be sure not to put down your co-parent or be negative about them.
Provide the right message
When parents talk to their children about the separation or divorce they are some very important suggestions that you most likely will want your children to hear:
- That it was a mutual decision to separate; avoid laying blame on one parent.
- You, their parents, love them very much and that the divorce is not their fault
- What their lives will look like in concrete terms. For example: what will stay the same and what may change. Try to provide your children with security and routine.
Allow for grieving
Don’t rush your children, allow them time to react. Children need their space to grieve and adjust to this new reality too. Allow your children to express any and all feelings, let them know that is ok to do so. Also, help your children articulate different feelings, and let them know that they can asking you anything.
Help your child understand the new reality
What will your children’s new reality look like? Give your children a sense of what will be remaining the same, and what will be changing. Have a family calendar hanging in a prominent place or in your children’s rooms. Show your children you care, help them keep track of when they will be in each home. Since they will be adjusting to life in two separate homes, you want them to feel comfortable in this new routine.
And lastly, don’t be afraid to tell your children that we, your parents may not have all the answers, but we are working towards goals together.
More helpful tips may be found in The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, 2007). Or through The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit.To place an order or for more information email
info@thesmartdivorce.com
October 20, 2011 at 8:39 pm
I was interviewed on The Marily Denis Show discussing: How Do I Tell My Kids I’m Getting a Divorce
Click on the link to hear the full interview, and outlined below are the tips we discussed http://www.marilyn.ca/parenting/segments.aspx/Daily/October2011/10_18_2011/DivorceGuide
Divorce expert Deborah Moskovitch shares tips on how to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce.
Telling Your Children About Your Divorce
Research indicates that too few parents sit down and explain to their children that their marriage is ending, and they don’t encourage their children to ask questions. Parents that say nothing, leaving their children confused. When parents do not explain what’s happening to their children, the children feel anxious, upset and lonely and find it much harder to cope. Children don’t need to know the reasons behind the divorce, but what you can tell them is what it means to them and their lives.
Providing age-appropriate information will help your children and adolescents cope with the many changes in their lives initiated by the separation and divorce. It will make them feel less anxious. And it establishes a healthy pattern of communication with your children.
Preparing for conversation
Children and Adolescents are much smarter then we often give them credit for. There is information they will want to know and appropriate to share such as:
• The Parenting Plan. If you can, try to work out an interim agreement about what your living arrangements will be before you talk with your children. Although this plan might change later, your children will have more of a sense of confidence if they know you’ve put some thought into the separation and how it might impact them.
• Provide Reassurance. Let your children know that they are equally important to both of you, and you both want to be with them. Assure your children that the divorce is between mom and dad, and not your children – we will always be your parents.
• Be prepared with answers. Try to think of the questions that your children might ask, and be ready with an answer – for example, they will want to know if they will be able to attend the same school, or see their friends and extended family and where each of you will be living.
Talk about it together
It is helpful for both parents to talk with the children together. This gives them a consistent message and shows them that you both love them that you can and will work together and parent cooperatively even though you are divorcing. When it is not possible to talk to children together, do the best you can to coordinate what you are saying to them and be sure not to put down your co-parent or be negative about them.
Provide the right message
When parents talk to their children about the separation or divorce they are some very important suggestions that you most likely will want your children to hear:
- That it was a mutual decision to separate; avoid laying blame on one parent.
- You, their parents, love them very much and that the divorce is not their fault
- What their lives will look like in concrete terms. For example: what will stay the same and what may change. Try to provide your children with security and routine.
Allow for grieving
Don’t rush your children, allow them time to react. Children need their space to grieve and adjust to this new reality too. Allow your children to express any and all feelings, let them know that is ok to do so. Also, help your children articulate different feelings, and let them know that they can asking you anything.
Help your child understand the new reality
What will your children’s new reality look like? Give your children a sense of what will be remaining the same, and what will be changing. Have a family calendar hanging in a prominent place or in your children’s rooms. Show your children you care, help them keep track of when they will be in each home. Since they will be adjusting to life in two separate homes, you want them to feel comfortable in this new routine.
And lastly, don’t be afraid to tell your children that we, your parents may not have all the answers, but we are working towards goals together.
More helpful tips may be found in The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, 2007). Or through The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit.
To place an order or for more information email info@thesmartdivorce.com
October 19, 2011 at 4:19 am
This time the spots are switched, I’m interviewed by my c o-host Steve Peck on his show, Divorce Source Radio. Tune in to hear the mistakes often made during divorce.
Divorce is an extremely emotional time in our life and under stress, we don’t always make the right choices.
The legal system is confusing and frightening and we sometimes let our anger get the best of us creating a battle with our soon to be ex that can last a lifetime and affect the lives of our children and our finances.
In this episode, DSR host Steve Peck, speaks with Divorce Consultant and author of The Smart Divorce, Deborah Moskovitch on how to avoid costly mistakes during divorce.
Listening to this show if you are new to the process of divorce can save you thousands of dollars in legal expenses, the relationship with your children and your sanity.
Click on the link below to hear the interview, to save time, money– and your sanity.
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/mistakes-we-make-during-divorce-and-how-to-avoid-them/
August 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm
I was honored to speak with Dr. Joan Kelly, a clinical psychologist and internationally renowned expert on divorce, on The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio. We discussed the important considerations when telling your children about your separation or divorce. This is a must listen to program for any parent who wants to know what to say to their children.
Our guest, Joan Kelly PhD., a Clinical Psychologist, is an internationally recognized expert on divorce and children’s adjustment and interventions designed to assist parents and enhance resiliency in children. Dr. Kelly has been studying the impact of divorce on children since 1968. She is an author, therapist, mediator, and parenting coordinator with four decades of experience working with high conflict parents who are separating.
Dr. Kelly shares her insights and wisdom on telling your children about your divorce– providing script ideas and important messages. She will guide you through the conversation and preparation you need to do. Having this conversation is not one most parents want to have, as only 5% of parents actually sit down and explain to their children about this significant change in their life. Yet, telling your children about separation and divorce is critical if you truly want to do what is in your children’s best interest, and minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.
To obtain more information on talking about separation and divorce and to purchase Dr. Kelly’s booklet: What Should We Tell the Children, written for the Association of American Matrimonial Lawyers contact www.aaml.org
Topics in this program include:
- Why is it so important to talk with your children at this time
- Why do parents find it so difficult to talk with their children?
- Preparing to talk with your children about the separation
- What to say to your children and how do you say it?
- What to say to your children about why you are separating
To hear this most informative interview, click on the link below.
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/what-should-we-tell-the-children-about-our-separation-or-divorce/
July 20, 2011 at 5:08 pm
I am pleased to announce the launch of a new product called: The Smart Divorce® Resource Tool Kit. The purpose of the Tool Kit is to provide organizations, lawyers, mental health professionals and others in the divorce arena with a resource to help their employees and clients divorce with focus, hope and confidence. The Smart Divorce® Resource Tool Kit is one very smart package developed specifically to meet an individual’s needs.
This valuable Tool Kit is designed to reduce stress, educate and inform about the many aspects of the divorce process, and is cost effective and easy to understand.
Divorce or a breakdown of a co-habitation relationship is an extremely emotional process. While divorce is a personal matter the emotional impact can spill over into the workplace suddenly making it a public affair. There are so many unknowns about divorce that people are often confused, filled with fear and unsure of how to navigate the process. In an effort to better heal and deal with divorce process privately, many individuals seek therapeutic counseling. However, not all therapists are equipped to help their patients understand the specifics of divorce to alleviate many of their concerns i.e. the legal process, financial impact or custody and access issues. As a result, an individual’s world is temporarily turned upside down, triggering unsettling and distressful emotions. The effects of the emotional distress in the workplace can be devastating.
On a classic rating scale of stressful life events, divorce consistently ranks No. 2–second only to the death of a spouse or child. The process of getting divorced is an emotional roller coaster which can impact people’s ability to be mindful on the job. Although divorce is primarily a personal heartbreak, the effects spill into the workplace; at the extreme – costing one to lose their job – not to mention a good portion of their wealth, and it can even affect the organization’s reputation. People often feel overburdened and lack confidence; it is not surprising how many buckle under the pressure.
It is well documented that divorce reduces worker productivity. If one were to do a cost benefit analysis of the effects of divorce in the workplace, one would find that the financial costs to the organization can be enormous.
I understand only too well how devastating the emotions of divorce can be, taking over the legal process while wreaking havoc on one’s career, causing a meltdown on so many fronts, and the difficulty in overcoming the challenges of raising children on your own. It is for these reasons that I created The Smart Divorce® Resource Tool Kit. I know how important it is to treat your divorce as a business transaction, and arm yourself with as much information as possible.
The Smart Divorce Resource Tool Kit includes:
The Smart Divorce Audios. These unique and informative audios provide tips and strategies to help navigate this difficult time, educate listeners about the divorce process and provide practical information on getting through divorce with clarity.
- Audio 1 – The Emotional Divorce
- Audio 2– The Legal Divorce
- Audio 3 – Smart Co-Parenting: Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First
- Audio 4 – Rebuilding Your Life Post Divorce
Smart Guides. 12 very valuable tip sheets that support the information in the audios and cover other important issues; providing detail, strategies and tips for managing a specific divorce related topic.
In addition to the extensive information available in The Smart Divorce Resource Tool Kit, some organizations may also find it beneficial to offer workshops. These presentations will provide greater clarity about divorce and managing through the process, in an effort to minimize stress, while maximizing an employee’s attention at work during this often distracting time.
The Smart Divorce® facilitator guided workshop
- Workshop 1- The Smart Divorce. A 1 ½ hour overview of the divorce process based on the book, The Smart Divorce. The divorce process in explained in broad terms, while providing an understanding of the emotional divorce and the legal divorce
- Workshop 2- Strengthening the Blended Family Bonds. A one hour presentation focusing on considerations when blending families.
Note: Each workshop includes PowerPoint presentation and facilitator script.
Don’t miss out on the introductory offer and save $50 when you place an order a minimum order of 10 kits. Or, try it out and order just one Toolkit.
For more information click on the link. To learn more about this unique and innovative program, and how it may help your organization or practice, please contact Deborah Moskovitch at info@thesmartdivorce.com.
The Smart Divorce Resource Tool Kit _ Flyer
May 27, 2011 at 5:37 pm
Hear Dr. Robert Simon answer this question on The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio
Is divorce always the outcome when there is conflict in the marriage? Of course not, there are options to consider, and help available to put your marriage back on track. This episode explores the role of marriage counseling, and the next steps required if the marriage results in divorce. Once the decision to divorce is made, there are many considerations and issues to ponder. Our guest, psychologist Dr. Robert A. Simon http://dr-simon.com/ provides us with tips and strategies for getting through the early days of separation with your sanity and dignity intact.
Topics in this program include:
- The benefits of marriage counseling
- Building your support network
- Finding a therapist
- Telling your children about divorce
- Emotional healing and coping strategies
- And so much more……..
To find out more click on the link:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/i-think-my-marriage-is-over-what-should-i-do-now-the-smart-divorce/
February 17, 2011 at 4:51 pm
There are many myths and misconceptions about what goes on in a Court Room. When it comes to justice, all too often couples are disappointed by the outcome – and end up with large legal bills, family drama which causes an all out war, and a resolution that leaves couples disillusioned.
Our guest, Justice Harvey Brownstone, a sitting court judge, best-selling author of Tug of War, and host of Family Matters TV (http://www.familymatterstv.com/); helps us understand what really goes on inside the court room, and a judge’s mind. Justice Brownstone has been called a maverick judge who is a pioneer that is unilaterally changing the public image of the judiciary.
This honest and thought provoking interview will change the way you think about litigation, and how you work through the divorce process. We are fortunate to have Justice Brownstone share his thoughts and enlighten listeners as to what really goes on in Court, and what really matters.
Topics in this program include:
- The impact of litigation on the family
- What is really in your children’s best interest
- The importance of a legal consultation
- A frank discussion about divorce, relationships and so much more
To listen to Justice Brownstone’s interview click on the link:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/a-judges-verdict-on-the-bitter-realities-of-family-court/
February 17, 2011 at 4:44 pm
It’s tough enough for kids to go back to school – and it’s even harder for the children of parents who are separated or divorcing. Kids may worry that their lives will change dramatically or that they will be forced to move away. Toss in the butterflies that come with a new school year, and your child may be more stressed than you realize.
Here are 5 key things parents can do make the transition back to school easier, when everything else about the family is in transition.
- Talk to your child about what they’re feeling. Divorce can affect a child’s behavior, well-being and even academic achievement. Look for signs of depression, withdrawal, or behavior and other issues. And, be sure to talk to your child about what they’re feeling. There are resources available if you or your child need professional help (Catholic Services, Jewish Family & Child Services, Parents without Partners, Rainbows, Up to Parents, a therapist for you or your child)*. Help your children overcome these symptoms, and get them the help they need.
- Reassure your child you love him/her. . It is natural for a child to worry if he is loved or if he was somehow to blame for the divorce. Ensure your child knows he is not to blame – and that he is very loved
- Make time to answer her questions. Your child may have a ton of questions that she is dying to know. Set aside time for those questions, perhaps during or following your child’s favourite activity. You can always start the ball rolling if they are quiet: “If I were you, I’d want to know where I will be living….”
- Try and maintain a normal afterschool schedule. Just because your child’s home life is different doesn’t mean his school life has to be. Ensure he is participating in the activities he wants to, over worries about cutting into “mom’s time” or “dad’s time.” The goal is to put your child’s best interest first.
- Get involved and share the excitement. There is much to do to get your kids ready for school — from buying school supplies and clothes, to dentist and doctor appointments. Show your kids you both care and divide up the responsibilities and help them get ready for back to school. You and your former spouse want to send a message that you are both looking forward to the coming year and want your child to do well.
- Develop a parenting to ensure routine, structure and stability. Your parenting plan should include: a schedule of when and where your child will live, pickup times and locations, where they are on PD days, holidays, and so on. The goals of the parenting plan are to encourage the children’s relationship with both parents and protect them from any parental conflict.
Reduce your child’s stress and anxiety. An effective parenting plan will give your child a sense of control over their lives when so much will feel out of control. It will also help them know their whereabouts, to give them reassurance, when making plans with their friends, establishing study schedules and routines.
Get your kids off to a great school start. Try to diminish the family conflict, work at maintaining your relationships, and send out positive messages. By taking time to listen to your child and creating a plan that puts your child’s needs first, you will help them transition through a very stressful time and into the new academic year.
* Jewish Family & Child Services - http://www.jfandcs.com/
Parents without Partners - http://www.pwptoronto.com/
Rainbows http://www.rainbows.org/
Up to Parents – http://www.uptoparents.org/
To find a therapist – http://www.cpso.on.ca/docsearch/
September 6, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Taking Charge of Your Separation and Divorce
impact – options – opportunities
I was part of a “one stop” information panel of experts discussing the emotional, legal, financial, and child aspects of divorce. I thought the handouts provided would be very helpful…….the information if provided both within this post, as well as attached within a pdf.
Being smart about divorce means arming yourself with as much information as possible…..here’s a start.
THE SMART DIVORCE®
Handout- The Smart Divorce
What is A Smart Divorce?
The Smart Divorce process will help you to:
- understand the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal divorce”
- understand the various dispute resolutions available
- make informed decisions
- minimize the financial, legal and emotional stress
Be SMART about your divorce.
State your goals and objectives at the beginning. Make sure these are realistic.
Maximize your information and knowledge base.
Avoid reacting to your emotions.
Retain the best possible divorce team your budget allows.
Treat your divorce as a business transaction.
How to start The Smart Divorce
- Develop your support network – therapist/supportive counselor, support groups, clergy, divorce consultant and friends.
- Choose your lawyer carefully – interview 3 family law lawyers.
- Be informed. Understand the dispute resolutions: Do-It-Yourself; Negotiation; Mediation; Collaborative Family Law; Arbitration; Litigation; private companies who offer divorce mediation/resolution.
- Put your children’s best interests first.
- Hire the right team of professionals based on your needs – parenting expert; financial adviser and others.
- Get your finances in order.
- Stay organized – create your divorce notebook and divorce journal.
- Have a vision for how you want your life to unfold and develop strategies to get there.
You may contact Deborah by email at info@thesmartdivorce.com
or, by calling her office at 905.695.0270
Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways.
Copyright ©2010 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.
Legal considerations
“Taking Charge of Your Separation/Divorce”
Handout – Legal considerations
Presentation by:
Wendy E. Best, Q.C.
Dunphy Best Blocksom LLP
February 25, 2010
1. Custody/parenting
(i) shared
(ii) joint
(iii) sole
2. Child Support
(i) Federal Child Support Guidelines
(ii) Alberta Child Support Guidelines
(iii) base table support
(iv) Section 7 expenses
(a) child care expenses incurred for employment, illness or education
(b) medical/dental insurance premiums re: child
(c) health/dental expenses over insurance by at least $100/year (ortho, counselling, physio, drugs, glasses)
(d) extraordinary expenses for primary or secondary school
(e) post secondary expenses
(f) extraordinary extracurricular expenses
(v) split custody
(vi) shared custody (40% of time)
(vii) incomes over $150,000
(viii) undue hardship
(ix) retroactive
(x) disclosure
3. Spousal Support
(xi) Divorce Act
(xii) Family Law Act/Adult Interdependent Relationships Act
(xiii) Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines
(xiv) entitlement
(xv) periodic
(xvi) lump sum
(xvii) combination
4. Property
(i) What is property
(ii) unmarried: constructive trust/unjust enrichment
(iii) married: Matrimonial Property Act
(a) exemptions
(i) gifts from third parties
(ii) inheritance
(iii) owned before marriage
(iv) damages in tort
(v) insurance policy (not re: property)
(b) increase in value of exempt property – 13 factors
(c) transfer into joint names
(d) all other property acquired – presumption of equal sharing
(e) property (assets/debts) acquired after separation or changes in value
(f) gifts or non bona fide transfers
(g) exclusive possession of matrimonial home
5. Miscellaneous/Common Misunderstandings
(i) divorce
(ii) legal separation
(iii) abandonment
(iv) conduct
(v) what to expect/ask in your first consult
Financial Considerations
7 Secrets to a Successful Divorce
Handout- 7 Secrets to a Successful Divorce
Divorce demands financial decision-making that will alter the rest of your life. Most people have no knowledge of the specifics of the finances of divorce. Most people are too emotional to make sound financial decisions regarding their future. Quite often poor choices are made, choices that are permanent. You must educate yourself on the finances of your divorce.
We have a deep and personal understanding of the financial implications of divorce. At Alberta Divorce Finances, we empower men and women going through divorce by educating them on the financial and tax implications of the decisions that they will make in their own divorce.
A 50/50 Property Split is Not Always Equal
What do you need to know to ensure that your settlement is both fair and equitable?
- 1. Money will almost always become an issue in divorce
- 2. Understand that a 50/50 division of property is not always equal
- 3. Make sure that you can afford to keep the house before you settle this matter
- 4. Understand the “true” value of your investments and RRSPs
- 5. Ensure that Pensions are valued properly.
- 6. Ensure that the payor of child and/or spousal support has Life Insurance to fulfill future support obligations.
- Many divorce decisions have implications for your tax return
Divorce is a very difficult and very emotional time and bad decisions are made under stress. You must become educated on “what you need to know” about the finances of your divorce.
Visit: Alberta Divorce Finances.com
Child Considerations
HELPING KIDS THROUGH SEPARATION/DIVORCE:
Handout – HELPING KIDS THROUGH SEPARATION
v The way in which parents manage their separation/divorce impacts their children; each individual can
make a difference by their OWN choice of behaviors
v In separation/divorce, co-parents need to shift their former intimate relationship to that of neutral
business associates linked for the long-term in the “business of co-parenting”
v Children’s needs and feelings should be a priority; they require reassurance that they are loved by
both parents and belong to both parents and extended families
v Giving kids permission and opportunities to be attached and to maintain relationships with both
parents/families is important to their well being and growth/development
(*some exceptions: family violence, substance abuse, profound mental health issues)
v Conflict is typically a part of separation/divorce; how it is managed has an impact on outcomes for
children; kids need to be kept out of “adult issues” including parent conflict and encouraged to regain
and resume their own life pursuits to meet their developmental ages/stages
v Most often children view separation/divorce differently than the adults involved as they do not always
see it as a way of improving their life; parents can be sensitive to this difference in perspective
v Children need understanding and guidance to manage and communicate their unique feelings and
behaviors through the process of separation/divorce
v Shame, blame and embarrassment are feelings that children may express; they need reassurance and age
appropriate explanations that separation/divorce is not their fault
v Attention to the variety of loss/grief reactions of both adults and kids is important through
separation/divorce; Examples: sadness, anxiety, fear, anger and feeling physically unwell
v Parents may be less available for their children particularly in the first year of separation/divorce
(“diminished parenting”); this may negatively impact kids outcomes as they need their parents most at
this time of change and transitions
v When possible, minimizing and “pacing” the multiple changes in their lives as a result of the
separation/divorce is helpful for kids; strive for predictability and routines
v Transitioning between two households can be difficult for some children; each parent can help their
children to manage this challenge with sensitivity, organization and support
v A Parenting Plan is an essential working document that helps provide a framework for adults and
children to manage the separation/divorce; a detailed plan that is reviewed regularly helps address the
family’s changing needs
v An individual’s influence and/or control with their co-parent is typically limited; their focus and energy
is better placed on developing a consistent life with their children in their own home
(Sandy Shuler, B.S.W., R.S.W., C.C.F.E. 2010. Reproduction only by permission. Sandy is the Co-author of the established “Effective Co-Parenting: Putting Kids First” program; Co-author of “Groupworks: training for small group facilitators” Developer of the “Fairway Divorce Solutions Nurtured Children Parent Education Seminar”;
Sandy is Director/Consultant of Family Life Works Inc.; www.familylifeworks.ca; 403-540-5608)
April 13, 2010 at 9:08 pm
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