Posts filed under ‘Telling children about divorce’
I recently appeared on The Marilyn Denis Show on CTV. We discussed the issues, considerations and preparation going into the conversation to tell your children about your separation and divorce. We also talked about this very critical conversation. Click on the link to see the interview
http://www.marilyn.ca/parenting/segments.aspx/Daily/October2011/10_18_2011/DivorceGuide
I also provided a tip sheet…..here’s what I had to say
Divorce expert Deborah Moskovitch shares tips on how to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce.
Telling Your Children About Your Divorce
Research indicates that too few parents sit down and explain to their children that their marriage is ending, and they don’t encourage their children to ask questions. Parents that say nothing, leaving their children confused. When parents do not explain what’s happening to their children, the children feel anxious, upset and lonely and find it much harder to cope. Children don’t need to know the reasons behind the divorce, but what you can tell them is what it means to them and their lives.
Providing age-appropriate information will help your children and adolescents cope with the many changes in their lives initiated by the separation and divorce. It will make them feel less anxious. And it establishes a healthy pattern of communication with your children.
Preparing for conversation
Children and Adolescents are much smarter then we often give them credit for. There is information they will want to know and appropriate to share such as:
• The Parenting Plan. If you can, try to work out an interim agreement about what your living arrangements will be before you talk with your children. Although this plan might change later, your children will have more of a sense of confidence if they know you’ve put some thought into the separation and how it might impact them.
• Provide Reassurance. Let your children know that they are equally important to both of you, and you both want to be with them. Assure your children that the divorce is between mom and dad, and not your children – we will always be your parents.
• Be prepared with answers. Try to think of the questions that your children might ask, and be ready with an answer – for example, they will want to know if they will be able to attend the same school, or see their friends and extended family and where each of you will be living.
Talk about it together
It is helpful for both parents to talk with the children together. This gives them a consistent message and shows them that you both love them that you can and will work together and parent cooperatively even though you are divorcing. When it is not possible to talk to children together, do the best you can to coordinate what you are saying to them and be sure not to put down your co-parent or be negative about them.
Provide the right message
When parents talk to their children about the separation or divorce they are some very important suggestions that you most likely will want your children to hear:
- That it was a mutual decision to separate; avoid laying blame on one parent.
- You, their parents, love them very much and that the divorce is not their fault
- What their lives will look like in concrete terms. For example: what will stay the same and what may change. Try to provide your children with security and routine.
Allow for grieving
Don’t rush your children, allow them time to react. Children need their space to grieve and adjust to this new reality too. Allow your children to express any and all feelings, let them know that is ok to do so. Also, help your children articulate different feelings, and let them know that they can asking you anything.
Help your child understand the new reality
What will your children’s new reality look like? Give your children a sense of what will be remaining the same, and what will be changing. Have a family calendar hanging in a prominent place or in your children’s rooms. Show your children you care, help them keep track of when they will be in each home. Since they will be adjusting to life in two separate homes, you want them to feel comfortable in this new routine.
And lastly, don’t be afraid to tell your children that we, your parents may not have all the answers, but we are working towards goals together.
More helpful tips may be found in The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, 2007). Or through The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit.To place an order or for more information email
info@thesmartdivorce.com
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
October 20, 2011 at 8:39 pm
I was interviewed on The Marily Denis Show discussing: How Do I Tell My Kids I’m Getting a Divorce
Click on the link to hear the full interview, and outlined below are the tips we discussed http://www.marilyn.ca/parenting/segments.aspx/Daily/October2011/10_18_2011/DivorceGuide
Divorce expert Deborah Moskovitch shares tips on how to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce.
Telling Your Children About Your Divorce
Research indicates that too few parents sit down and explain to their children that their marriage is ending, and they don’t encourage their children to ask questions. Parents that say nothing, leaving their children confused. When parents do not explain what’s happening to their children, the children feel anxious, upset and lonely and find it much harder to cope. Children don’t need to know the reasons behind the divorce, but what you can tell them is what it means to them and their lives.
Providing age-appropriate information will help your children and adolescents cope with the many changes in their lives initiated by the separation and divorce. It will make them feel less anxious. And it establishes a healthy pattern of communication with your children.
Preparing for conversation
Children and Adolescents are much smarter then we often give them credit for. There is information they will want to know and appropriate to share such as:
• The Parenting Plan. If you can, try to work out an interim agreement about what your living arrangements will be before you talk with your children. Although this plan might change later, your children will have more of a sense of confidence if they know you’ve put some thought into the separation and how it might impact them.
• Provide Reassurance. Let your children know that they are equally important to both of you, and you both want to be with them. Assure your children that the divorce is between mom and dad, and not your children – we will always be your parents.
• Be prepared with answers. Try to think of the questions that your children might ask, and be ready with an answer – for example, they will want to know if they will be able to attend the same school, or see their friends and extended family and where each of you will be living.
Talk about it together
It is helpful for both parents to talk with the children together. This gives them a consistent message and shows them that you both love them that you can and will work together and parent cooperatively even though you are divorcing. When it is not possible to talk to children together, do the best you can to coordinate what you are saying to them and be sure not to put down your co-parent or be negative about them.
Provide the right message
When parents talk to their children about the separation or divorce they are some very important suggestions that you most likely will want your children to hear:
- That it was a mutual decision to separate; avoid laying blame on one parent.
- You, their parents, love them very much and that the divorce is not their fault
- What their lives will look like in concrete terms. For example: what will stay the same and what may change. Try to provide your children with security and routine.
Allow for grieving
Don’t rush your children, allow them time to react. Children need their space to grieve and adjust to this new reality too. Allow your children to express any and all feelings, let them know that is ok to do so. Also, help your children articulate different feelings, and let them know that they can asking you anything.
Help your child understand the new reality
What will your children’s new reality look like? Give your children a sense of what will be remaining the same, and what will be changing. Have a family calendar hanging in a prominent place or in your children’s rooms. Show your children you care, help them keep track of when they will be in each home. Since they will be adjusting to life in two separate homes, you want them to feel comfortable in this new routine.
And lastly, don’t be afraid to tell your children that we, your parents may not have all the answers, but we are working towards goals together.
More helpful tips may be found in The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, 2007). Or through The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit.
To place an order or for more information email info@thesmartdivorce.com
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
October 19, 2011 at 4:19 am
This time the spots are switched, I’m interviewed by my c o-host Steve Peck on his show, Divorce Source Radio. Tune in to hear the mistakes often made during divorce.
Divorce is an extremely emotional time in our life and under stress, we don’t always make the right choices.
The legal system is confusing and frightening and we sometimes let our anger get the best of us creating a battle with our soon to be ex that can last a lifetime and affect the lives of our children and our finances.
In this episode, DSR host Steve Peck, speaks with Divorce Consultant and author of The Smart Divorce, Deborah Moskovitch on how to avoid costly mistakes during divorce.
Listening to this show if you are new to the process of divorce can save you thousands of dollars in legal expenses, the relationship with your children and your sanity.
Click on the link below to hear the interview, to save time, money– and your sanity.
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/mistakes-we-make-during-divorce-and-how-to-avoid-them/
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
August 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm
I was honored to speak with Dr. Joan Kelly, a clinical psychologist and internationally renowned expert on divorce, on The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio. We discussed the important considerations when telling your children about your separation or divorce. This is a must listen to program for any parent who wants to know what to say to their children.
Our guest, Joan Kelly PhD., a Clinical Psychologist, is an internationally recognized expert on divorce and children’s adjustment and interventions designed to assist parents and enhance resiliency in children. Dr. Kelly has been studying the impact of divorce on children since 1968. She is an author, therapist, mediator, and parenting coordinator with four decades of experience working with high conflict parents who are separating.
Dr. Kelly shares her insights and wisdom on telling your children about your divorce– providing script ideas and important messages. She will guide you through the conversation and preparation you need to do. Having this conversation is not one most parents want to have, as only 5% of parents actually sit down and explain to their children about this significant change in their life. Yet, telling your children about separation and divorce is critical if you truly want to do what is in your children’s best interest, and minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.
To obtain more information on talking about separation and divorce and to purchase Dr. Kelly’s booklet: What Should We Tell the Children, written for the Association of American Matrimonial Lawyers contact www.aaml.org
Topics in this program include:
- Why is it so important to talk with your children at this time
- Why do parents find it so difficult to talk with their children?
- Preparing to talk with your children about the separation
- What to say to your children and how do you say it?
- What to say to your children about why you are separating
To hear this most informative interview, click on the link below.
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/what-should-we-tell-the-children-about-our-separation-or-divorce/
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
July 20, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Recent Comments