Posts filed under 'smart divorce'
Childrens’ Bill of Rights from the……..
American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS
WHEN PARENTS ARE NOT TOGETHER
Every kid has rights, particularly when mom and dad are splitting up. Below are some things parents shouldn’t forget — and kids shouldn’t let them — when the family is in the midst of a break-up.
You have the right to love both your parents. You also have the right to be loved by both of them. That means you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It’s important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times such as a break-up of your parents.
You do not have to choose one parent over the other. If you have an opinion about which parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can’t work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.
You’re entitled to all the feelings you’re having. Don’t be embarrassed by what you’re feeling. It is scary when your parents break up, and you’re allowed to be scared. Or angry. Or sad. Or whatever.
You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you, tell someone — either your other parent or a trusted adult like a teacher.
You don’t belong in the middle of your parents’ break-up. Sometimes your parents may get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you’re just a kid, and that you can’t handle their adult worries. If they start putting you in the middle of their dispute, remind them that it’s their fight, not yours.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life. Even if you’re living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent’s side. You’ll always be a part of their lives, even if your parents aren’t together anymore.
You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn’t worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DON’T BLAME YOURSELF.
—-Special Concerns of Children Committee, March, 1998
Add comment May 21, 2008
A public rant gone awry….
Airing your laundry in public
Philip Smith was left hung to dry earlier this month when his wife, Tricia Walsh-Smith, aired her marital and divorce grievances on You Tube. While each side may have their issues with one another, for a while it was kept relatively private. But, with Ms. Walsh Smith’s recent You Tube video about the concerns she has with her husband and their divorce, public opinion is now weighing in with disbelief as to how these complaints were brought forward.
This is not the first time a celebrity or someone in the public eye has let their emotions rule their decision making only to have it backfire on them. While it might feel great in the moment to speak your mind, the feelings of relief often change to horror when you hear the reaction from the very same audience you were hoping to gain sympathy from. Perhaps it is best to keep your personal issues private, no matter how much you may want to seek revenge or validate your shame.
Articles about public displays of anger have been widely written about by the media. There are two articles I would like to draw your attention to these are:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070422.lbaldwinmain0423/BNStory/lifeFamily/home
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080416.wgtyoutube0416/BNStory/lifeMain
Public opinion to the way these celebrities acted out their frustration and anger was certainly not what they were anticipating. Damage control seemed to be next on the agenda. I’m sure there are many people who would like to air their grievances in public too — out of revenge sure to humiliate you soon to be or former spouse.
While it might feel good in the moment, think about the consequences of venting in public:
· The effect on your reputation.
· The effect on your relationship with you children and/or step children.
· The possibility of the rant being used against you in legal proceedings.
· The actions coming back to hurt you later on.
Here are some strategies to help you get through these emotionally difficult times:
- Write your thoughts down in a personal journal.
- Vent your feelings to a trusted family or friend.
- Speak with a therapist, clergy or other people in your support network.
- Vent your thoughts in a letter, don’t send it out – perhaps rip it up. This can be cathartic.
- If you are going to sign a pre or post nuptial agreement, ensure you get a legal opinion before you sign.
While interest in the You Tube video will soon become yesterday’s news as the public grows tired of this battle and becomes fascinated by some other family squabble, the significance of it will play out for a long time in many ways for this couple.
Use these lessons well. As much as you may want to vent and scream your personal issues via email, You Tube or some other communication vehicle, you don’t want a war of words coming back to haunt you. While you may have achieved your short term goal, in the long term, you might very well be sorry you let your emotions get the better of you.
Add comment April 27, 2008
Seeking closure…….
Seeking closure…….
to your marriage and starting on a new path towards divorce
There are no rituals, ceremonies or customs ending a marriage, as there are mourning the death of a loved one. However, many people are looking for a way to find closure, to mourn the end of their marriage.
I started thinking about symbolic ways to mourn the ending of a marriage because I was recently asked if I have ever heard of a Divorce Cake.
While I have never heard of anyone baking or serving divorce cake (this doesn’t mean no one has done this), there are some ideas which might help people to move on. While one might need a sense of humor to creatively use one of these tactics, there is definitely some merit to it.
In a recent article in The Globe and Mail newspaper I read about a coffin designed for wedding rings. I thought this an out of the ordinary idea, as it implies burying the past, mourning the past and then moving on.
I received an email from a lawyer who told me of a client who insisted on walking her divorce petition down to the courthouse and filing it herself. She said she went down to get the marriage application and wants now to be part of the unwinding process. I thought this idea to be brilliant. This was a woman taking control of her life.
There are people who throw divorce parties, mail out or email notices of their divorce. Interesting concepts too. The thing to remember is, you don’t want to show anger, bitterness or remorse. You certainly don’t want to offend your friends, make them feel uncomfortable or create a mockery of yourself. Use this as an opportunity for closure and healing.
But, back to the cake. I thought, what could that recipe for divorce cake be?
How about -
I dash of focus (on how you would like your life to unfold)
2 sprinkles of hope
and lots of confidence (for enabling yourself to achieve the life you envision).
All of this achieved by doing research, asking questions and accepting that this is an emotional time – and dealing with your emotions.
Divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grow from. Use these lessons well.
Add comment April 15, 2008
Hear Deborah on “Guy Talk”
Hear Deborah talk about
The Smart Divorce on “Guy Talk”
Have you hear about the new radio show on Newstalk 1010 CFRB, “Guy Talk”? You can hear it live on Sunday evenings from 10 pm-11pm.
Guy Talk is a radio show that deals with psychological issues which modern men face. The underlying premise of Guy Talk rests in the question: Why Won’t Men Grow Up? The creator/hosts of Guy Talk are Dale Curd and Owen Williams.
I’ve been invited to speak about The Smart Divorce and dealing with the many issues surrounding divorce and relationships on May 4, 2008. Tune in and feel free to call in with your views at 416 872 1010. Although this show is targeted towards men, women are invited to call in as well. I would be interested in hearing your perspective as we discuss the many issues divorcees are confronted with.
Add comment April 14, 2008
Keeping your sanity during the insanity
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce is a process with a colossal emotional component. If you’re not careful to deal with the emotions separately and outside of the legal process you are in danger of making decisions you will later come to regret.
The kaleidoscope of emotions
The emotions can be intense and vary from person to person. What you may be feeling is fear, anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shock, frustration and even relief. I remember, as I went through my divorce, wanting to desperately piece my world back together and wanted to numb the pain. But of course, I later came to realize that if you don’t deal with the pain of your emotions, somewhere later, the emotions will catch up to you and become your emotional baggage.
Divorce has become so common today that
people underestimate how powerful an
experience it truly is
People don’t know how to react to divorcing people. There are no rituals or customs associated with mourning the loss of a marriage. There are all sorts of customs associated with losing a loved one, but how do you mourn the loss of a marriage? Without saving cavalier or glib, there are some ideas which don’t sound so bad. I’m starting to hear of people developing their own little healing ceremonies by throwing divorce parties, sending out separation announcements, burying their wedding band, or running away going on a little exotic vacation and so on. But what you also need to do is recognize that you are grieving. Grief is not a mental disorder; it is a natural, if painful, emotion that needs to be worked through!
Managing the grief
Grief presents an opportunity to make important choices and think about the life you want to lead. There is an incredible amount of emotional work and healing that needs to be done when you’re grieving, especially during the first year of tow of going through a divorce and separation.
Ways to feel better
If you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Take charge
- Give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically.
- Emotionally: develop your support network of friends, family, clergy parenting groups, support groups and perhaps a therapist.
- Physically: Eat right and exercise. Try as hard as you can to lead a healthy “balanced” life.
- Make time for yourself – do something which makes you happy.
Add comment March 19, 2008
It’s my birthday and I’ll party if I want to
It’s my birthday and I’ll party if I want to…….
Unlike Lesley Gore, who recorded the song, It’s My Party - about the lead character’s birthday party which did not turn out to be the happy occasion she thought it would be she cried, cried, cried. Why turn your birthday or any celebration into a reason for tears.
Celebrate the fact that you made it through another year. Don’t wait for someone to make it special for you, make it special for yourself
- Throw your own party; celebrate with your children, friends or extended family.
- That adventure you were thinking about, go a head, give yourself permission to finally do it.
- Buy yourself something really fabulous.
- Find a way to enjoy yourself and make a special effort to create your own happiness and joy.
I was determined to make my 45th birthday extraordinary. It looked to me as if all my friends celebrated their birthday by being whisked away by their partner to some marvelous destination or received a fancy bauble with major bling. Wanting to jump aboard that birthday express, I decided to create my own marvelous adventure. Not having someone special in my life, I felt special anyhow and whisked myself away on an unforgettable journey. I decided to mix my love of adventure with a passion for good food and pampering.
For six months prior to my birthday I sweated away twice a week spinning at the gym, preparing myself for the most delicious trip. I signed on for a bike trip which rode through the Napa and Sonoma Valley, called a solo adventure – not a singles trip, not for the lonely, a tour for those that were traveling on their own — incredible, that was perfect. Spas, great wines, beautiful vineyards, fine food and biking, how much more ideal could it be?!! It seems like a dream now, how I found the nerve to think out of the box and do something on my own – but, I enjoyed the ride of my life. It was an unbelievable experience, story and adventure.
I recommend celebrating your birthday
by realizing your dreams.
Achieving your goals and living out your dreams that is the best gift you can give yourself. It’s life affirming, just what you need to celebrate your birthday.
Today, I make my birthday special by throwing my own little birthday party celebrating with my children. I take them to an event that I know we will all enjoy (ok, maybe I’m selfish this one time and I enjoy it the most), we go to the theatre, a new restaurant; I’m always trying something new. But, I have two rules which they have to abide by, 1 - they can’t complain and 2- they have to make me a birthday card. It’s an adventure for us all and a new experience for them. If I’m lucky enough to have a few extra dollars, I buy myself something special too, a pair of earrings, bracelet or a massage.
I’ve come a long way baby and I’m worth it.
1 comment March 9, 2008
The Two Sides of Divorce
Did you know that divorce is a process?
di·vorce (dĭ-vôrs′, -vōrs′) n. the legal dissolution of a marriage; v. to sever the marital relationship with a spouse by a judgment or decree of divorce.
If divorce were as straightforward as the dictionary definition, the process would be a whole lot easier.
Couples, children, and extended families could carry on with their lives as if nothing much had changed. The “legal dissolution” could involve collegial discussions in lawyers’ boardrooms followed by the signing of papers, a handshake, and best wishes all around. Actually, some lawyers and judges favor the dictionary definition. “Treat your divorce as a business transaction,” they urge couples who come to see them. There’s a lot of wisdom in this piece of advice, if it is applied to the legal side of divorce. But this view neglects the emotional side of divorce. It’s as if they’re saying, “Business partnerships . . . marriage partnerships . . . what’s the difference?”
Most people who have gone through a divorce–and most lawyers and judges, too–will tell you that the dictionary definition captures only one small part of the reality of divorce.
Divorce is an extremely demanding and painful
experience riddled with complications
When divorce isn’t tragic, it’s at least extremely disappointing. A relationship that was launched in a hopeful wedding ceremony followed by candlelight and the celebratory clinking of glasses has turned into a fire fueled by fear, anger, grief, and guilt.
I know, having gone through divorce myself, that it is both a business transaction (which I certainly didn’t realize at the time) and a time of deep emotional distress (which I experienced all too well). And while it would be really nice if the two elements could be handled one after the other–you could spend a few years dealing with the emotional issues, and then, heart and head clear, go through the legal process–I also know that emotions and legal processes cannot be clinically separated.
But the ultimate challenge of divorce is precisely this: the legal issues come up at the beginning of the process, when you’re least able to deal with them objectively.
Managing the “emotional” and the “legal” divorce
A smart divorce is one in which you accept that:
- both the emotional and legal sides of divorce are real and valid
- you have to go through both, and pretty much at the same time
- emotions and the legal process cannot be perfectly sealed off from each other
To get a smart divorce, you have to understand how to keep the “two divorces”–the emotional divorce and the legal divorce–as separate as possible. Emotions should be kept out of the legal proceedings as much as possible. Letting your emotions become part of your legal decision-making process will ratchet up your legal costs, cause you to make faulty decisions, prolong the divorce process, and hold everyone back–yourself included–from moving on to a rosier future.
1 comment March 3, 2008
