Posts filed under ‘smart divorce’
Can Divorce Really Be Smart?
Did you know that divorce is a process?
di·vorce (dĭ-vôrs′, -vōrs′) n. the legal dissolution of a marriage; v. to sever the marital relationship with a spouse by a judgment or decree of divorce.
If divorce were as straightforward as the dictionary definition, the process would be a whole lot easier. But, the reality is, there are two sides to divorce — the emotional and the legal.
Couples, children, and extended families could carry on with their lives as if nothing much had changed. The “legal dissolution” could involve collegial discussions in lawyers’ boardrooms followed by the signing of papers, a handshake, and best wishes all around. Actually, some lawyers and judges favor the dictionary definition. “Treat your divorce as a business transaction,” they urge couples who come to see them. There’s a lot of wisdom in this piece of advice, if it is applied to the legal side of divorce. But this view neglects the emotional side of divorce. It’s as if they’re saying, “Business partnerships . . . marriage partnerships . . . what’s the difference?”
Please click on the link to read the rest of the article which appears in The Huffington Post.
To read more about The Smart Divorce, check it out on amazon.com
How to Help Your Friend During Divorce
I was recently interviewed by Jen Kirsch at Canadian Living Magazine about being a friend – to a friend during divorce. This is what we discussed:
How to help friends going through a divorce or breakup
By Jen Kirsch
People can make off-the-cuff remarks that can be really hurtful. For instance: “I never liked him in the first place,” or “You’re better off without that loser,” says Moskovitch. “These comments can trigger your friend’s own insecurities, and make her feel ashamed for being with her ex.”If you bad-mouth her ex, your friend may internalize your comments and think they reflect on her. You could be doing more harm than good, so avoid using put-downs or confessing how you really feel about her ex. “With time, the divorced couple may become amicable and you’ll have said things that can’t be unsaid,” Moskovitch reminds us.
How Divorce Can Be Empowering
I share with More magazine online (more.ca) my most personal journey through divorce…..the purpose is to inspire and empower the reader with focus, hope and confidence.
There’s a story I often share in the hopes that it inspires and empowers others. I call it: Reframing your thoughts to create the best life yet. It’s about how my engagement ring changed from a symbol of love as a couple to love of myself. I know what you’re thinking: This sounds cliché, and this divorce consultantand educator is just one more flake trying to sell swampland in Florida.
A week after my youngest child was born I learned some devastating facts about my marriage which were about to turn my world upside down. But, fifteen years later my world is not only sunny-side up but also a whole lot different — very fulfilling. I’m living out my dreams.
I’ll never forget the day a week after my third child was born. I tried to buy diapers for my son and my credit card was declined, yet again. The humiliation I felt when I approached my car empty handed, while my parents and baby were waiting for me, was devastating. There is usually a breaking point that causes people to make difficult decisions. And that episode was to be the start of mine. It was the low point that began my catalyst for change.
I believed in the sanctity of marriage in good and bad times. I grew up fairly sheltered, with tunnel vision and naiveté. The “D” word never existed in my vocabulary and I was determined to stay married. I made my life about my children. But all that unraveled that fateful day my diaper purchase was declined – the day I realized that the trust, communication and honesty were gone from my marriage.
To read the full article, click on the link: http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/how-your-divorce-can-be-empowering/a/37626
How To Tell Your Kids You’re Separating or Divorcing
I recently appeared on The Marilyn Denis Show on CTV. We discussed the issues, considerations and preparation going into the conversation to tell your children about your separation and divorce. We also talked about this very critical conversation. Click on the link to see the interview
http://www.marilyn.ca/parenting/segments.aspx/Daily/October2011/10_18_2011/DivorceGuide
I also provided a tip sheet…..here’s what I had to say
Divorce expert Deborah Moskovitch shares tips on how to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce.
Telling Your Children About Your Divorce
- That it was a mutual decision to separate; avoid laying blame on one parent.
- You, their parents, love them very much and that the divorce is not their fault
- What their lives will look like in concrete terms. For example: what will stay the same and what may change. Try to provide your children with security and routine.
How to be Smart About Divorce
I am both proud an honoured to be a guest on Family Matters with Justice Brownstone. This is by far one of my most informative and personal interviews; Justice Brownstone digs deep as I share my research and lessons learned so that anyone can have The Smart Divorce. He also delves into my own divorce journey, so that viewers are empowered with information and knowledge. Tune in tonight, October 4, at 10:30pm on CHCH TV.
If you are interested in learning more about The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit ,which Justice Brownstone speaks so highly of, please email info@thesmartdivorce.com for more information.
Why Families Matter
Trailblazer” isn’t a term often associated with divorce professionals. With the divorce rate hovering around 50 per cent, and over a million children annually experiencing their parent’s divorce, it is critical that couples understand the impact of divorce on families, children, the individual and society.
What I find most astounding is that the divorce rate rises with subsequent marriages ( http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-myths-debunked/a/30888) – this only demonstrates that people are not learning from their mistakes, and/or not taking the time to understand their own needs and expectations. This only serves to demonstrate that significant learning and education need to be provided. It’s easy to see why divorce has spawned a lucrative industry.
Without trying to sound too self-important, I am proud to have been referred to as a trailblazer because I transformed my pain into a career that helps so many others. I am passionate about educating the public about divorce — the process, and the significant impact upon an individual and the family. Getting through my divorce was not easy; it was full of emotion, and needless to say significant legal bills. I learned many lessons along the way of my long protracted divorce journey, which is how I came to write The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, 2007). I wrote the book so that I could share my pain and others could heal from the lessons. I personally interviewed over 100 of North America’s foremost divorce professionals, so that others could be empowered with knowledge, and avoid my mistakes — while saving time, money and their sanity.
My role model for becoming a trailblazer in the divorce arena is Justice Harvey Brownstone. Justice Brownstone, Canada’s first openly gay judge, is single-handedly transforming the public image of the judiciary and enhancing access to justice. The public is desperately hungry for reliable, accessible information they can turn to about a myriad of issues impacting on relationships, parenting and the well-being of kids. With so many ways of looking at the family, and the many configurations, Justice Brownstone will also explore a number of issues related to same-sex relationships including marriage, adoption, parenting, surrogacy, and so on.
There aren’t any judges in Canada, and only a handful in the United States, that actually go out on a limb to share their wisdom and expertise without judging. It isn’t often that I write about other individuals, but I felt that furthering the cause to promote a new television show called Family Matters was in order. This is a talk show created to educate and enlighten parents and families about issues that are of importance to the modern North American family. Justice Brownstone wants parents to get the best possible information, directly from a judge, about the realities of family court and the alternatives available to litigation, so that parents could make informed decisions about how to resolve parenting disputes in a way that meets the best interests of their children. The show will deal with everything from open marriages to sexual addictions to online security and privacy to relationship formation, sustenance and dissolution.
Divorce is far more than obtaining a separation agreement; it’s managing emotions and finances, as diverse as a business transaction and the children’s best interest. This journey is creating a new normal for divorcees who question what normal is, and don’ t want to be identified with labels. Separation and divorce are filled with many nuances, hidden agendas, and fears. It’s time people really stepped up to the plate and learned what’s involved before they make the decision to separate, rather than learn while they divorce. Perhaps we can all learn a lesson or two about why Family Matters — and maybe the negative impact of divorce on children, the family and society can be lessened. You can start by tuning into Family Matters with Justice Harvey Brownstone.
To learn more about this groundbreaking show, check out the website at www.familymatterstv.com.
Tune in October 4, 10:30pm on CHCH and watch my interview with Justice Brownstone
What Should We Tell the Children About Our Separation or Divorce?
I was honored to speak with Dr. Joan Kelly, a clinical psychologist and internationally renowned expert on divorce, on The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio. We discussed the important considerations when telling your children about your separation or divorce. This is a must listen to program for any parent who wants to know what to say to their children.
Our guest, Joan Kelly PhD., a Clinical Psychologist, is an internationally recognized expert on divorce and children’s adjustment and interventions designed to assist parents and enhance resiliency in children. Dr. Kelly has been studying the impact of divorce on children since 1968. She is an author, therapist, mediator, and parenting coordinator with four decades of experience working with high conflict parents who are separating.
Dr. Kelly shares her insights and wisdom on telling your children about your divorce– providing script ideas and important messages. She will guide you through the conversation and preparation you need to do. Having this conversation is not one most parents want to have, as only 5% of parents actually sit down and explain to their children about this significant change in their life. Yet, telling your children about separation and divorce is critical if you truly want to do what is in your children’s best interest, and minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.
To obtain more information on talking about separation and divorce and to purchase Dr. Kelly’s booklet: What Should We Tell the Children, written for the Association of American Matrimonial Lawyers contact www.aaml.org
Topics in this program include:
- Why is it so important to talk with your children at this time
- Why do parents find it so difficult to talk with their children?
- Preparing to talk with your children about the separation
- What to say to your children and how do you say it?
- What to say to your children about why you are separating
To hear this most informative interview, click on the link below.
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/what-should-we-tell-the-children-about-our-separation-or-divorce/
How to Find the Smarter, Sexier You Post-Divorce
As I began to rebuild my life post-divorce, I slowly realized that I had embarked on an adventure to some mysterious destination, yet to be determined. I was evolving from what I once was, as part of a couple, to being single, and the transition was fraught with both fear and excitement.
I felt awkward when I turned up at social events unescorted. I would laugh and pretend to be happy. But when people asked me about life and work, I could sum up a whole year in five minutes. If I threw in the details of my divorce, well, that could have lasted five hours. But that would have been a good way to isolate myself even further, as very few people want to discuss divorce at a party. I knew I was a good mother, a person with lots of interests, a loyal friend. But I felt different, rattling around in society with nothing to ground me in the events I was a part of.
I soon realized that I had choices, and it was up to me to build a good life post-divorce. I could choose to be a victim, or choose to move on. By opening myself up to new experiences, and being open minded, I learned that divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grown from. Life is certainly different as a single woman in my fifties than it was when I was single in my twenties. I now have a sense of who I am. Responsibilities and worries that I never thought about are now a reality. I am much more mature, realistic, and comfortable with where I am in life. Introspection, and a desire to heal emotionally helped me to achieve this perspective. I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children and an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. I certainly did not have such a rich life when I separated. I gained it through a lot of hard work and a desire to be content and happy.
I now embrace my life with open arms. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today with who I was during and even before my marriage. I now have long, straight hair, when before I had short, curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. I’ve changed. The changes are more than just physical, however. I have had so much more life experience. Not only am I learning to settle into the new me, but my parents, siblings and friends have had to adapt too. They find it interesting to relate to this newly reflective, assertive, smart, sensitive, and, dare I say, sexy woman.
As I reflect back, there were a number of things I did that helped me work through this transformation; strategies that helped me to get where I am today.
Here are the five things that can help you find the smarter, sexier me:
Move outside your comfort zone. Try new activities; get out there and socialize. You are not going to meet people by sitting at home alone.
Pursue your interests and passion. Connect with people who share the same hobbies and positive outlook. Do you want to become a runner, a potter, a great cook? Weave these activities into your life, and learning -you’ll marvel at how your life is changing and becoming more fun.
Work on your inner beauty. Feeling good about yourself and who you’ve become, will attract people into your life who have a similar positive outlook and energy
Include your married friends into your activities. Let them see the new you, and what you have to offer — an interesting, stronger, happier and independent person.
Be your own role model. Strive to become the type of person you admire. Make a list of the attributes you most respect, and do what you need to get there.
Above all, it’s important for you to think of yourself not just as a newly single person, or parent, but as someone who is so much more. A worker, a friend, a volunteer there are so many roles that you can play. You need to weave these other roles into your definition of yourself.
You know, I find most people’s perspective on divorce and how a divorcée should feel to be interesting. Many people have said to me, “Oh, you’re divorced; I’m sorry.” And my response has always been, “Don’t be sorry; I’m happy.” Living happily ever after–it’s not just my experience. I know many others who have achieved the same goal.
Copyright ©2011 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.
Originally published on The Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-to-find-the-smarter-s_b_893458.html
Saving marriages and divorce reform
Tune in to The Smart Divorce to learn more about the proposed legislation for The Coalition for Divorce Reform.
Our guest, Chris Gersten (http://www.divorcereform.info), is a former high ranking official in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, serving in both Bush administrations. He was responsible for launching the Federal government’s Healthy Marriage Initiative, creating a national organization to reform divorce laws in the U.S. and educate the public about the impact of divorce.
The result is the launch of the Coalition for Divorce Reform, formed in order to increase awareness of the negative impact of divorce, encourage discussion and debate about the effect of divorce on our culture, and support passage of divorce reform legislation.
Topics in this program include:
• How the Coalition for Divorce Reform is trying to make a difference
• Why marriage counseling does not work; education and alternatives
• The importance of marriage education and the potential to save marriage
• The importance of a waiting period before filing for divorce
• Understanding relationships, the impact of divorce and so much more
Click on the link to hear this informative interview:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/saving-marriages-and-divorce-reform/
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