Posts filed under 'smart divorce'
Tips to keeping organized during divorce
The divorce process can be overwhelming. The need to stay focused and organized is even that much more important. Here are some ideas to help achieve those objectives……..
Keep a “Divorce Journal”
If you’re in the midst of a divorce, or even contemplating one, consider keeping a journal of events for your lawyer. Note all events that you feel are relevant to your divorce and may affect the outcome. These could be events that involve you or your children. You and your lawyer will want to refer to this journal to help you confirm relevant dates and information. You might want to include this information in affidavits, letters, etc. It helps with accuracy of information and validates facts, dates, and times.
The journal might prove especially important if you end up going to trial. Judges don’t know what really happened; they only know what the lawyers, through their clients, tell them. So a diary of everything that happens could be used as evidence if you go to court. The party that fails to keep a diary is at a significant disadvantage.
Create a Meetings Notebook
What I advise my clients which they find most helpful to staying organized, refreshing their memory, and ensuring they follow up on meetings and tasks is to create a “divorce notebook”. This book can be divided into four sections:
- Meeting agenda and questions
- Notes from the meeting
- Next steps or to do list. Include deadline dates, completion dates, and the date when the completed task or document was communicated or sent to your legal counsel.
- Contacts, their phone numbers, and miscellaneous information
When creating and maintaining your own notebook, be sure to date everything.
Set Up a Divorce Filing System
Your filing system need not be anything complicated or expensive, and simple file folders are perfect. I just happen to prefer legal size, but use whatever works best for you. One way to start is to file all of your divorce-related paperwork in chronological order within specific headings that are relevant to your case. Here are some ideas for the headings you may want to set up:
· correspondence with lawyer, organized by date and topic
· orders or agreements
· folder for each member of your divorce team (financial expert, parenting expert, and so forth).
· financial statements–the statements of assets and liabilities
· invoices/statements–all costs associated with your divorce
· parenting plan
· discovery or deposition transcripts.
If you want to get more detailed, you could arrange files more specifically –according to particular financial or child-related issues, for instance. Of course, the detail you go into also depends on the type of divorce you’re pursuing. For instance, you might not need a discovery or deposition file if you are not litigating.
1 comment October 6, 2008
The Smart Divorce Workshop - At Centennial College
It’s not too late to register - if you are looking to gain greater insight into the divorce process and save time, money - and your skin……..space is still available.
Click on the link for more information:
http://db2.centennialcollege.ca/ce/coursedetail.php?CourseCode=CESI-602
Search
| course code: | CESI-602 |
| course name: | The Smart Divorce |
| category: | Special Interest |
| description: | People often divorce without understanding that it is a process that has both legal and emotional components. Myths and misunderstandings prevail about the effects of divorce on parents and children. This workshop will help those contemplating or experiencing divorce navigate the process. Learn what to expect about all aspects of the divorce process, how to work more effectively with a lawyer and other professionals, and strategies and tips to reduce the complexity and costs. Become better prepared for your divorce, with focus and confidence, while saving time and money. 3 hours |
| web site: | http://www.centennialcollege.ca/fun |
| certificate: | |
| register online: | https://secure.centennialcollege.ca/webreg |
Add comment October 3, 2008
From dam to glam: dating after divorce
The dating game, and how to ensure you are putting
your children’s best interests first.
It’s been said that dating is something that is good for you but can be hard on your children, because it pulls you away from them and may be confusing for them. There are no specific rules for dating when you have kids; there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Of course, your priority should still be your children, and sometimes you have to sacrifice your needs for them.
Dating postdivorce, achieving balance in your life and putting your children’s best interest first can be a challenge. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.
http://www.more.ca/relationships/married-life/from-dam-to-glam-dating-after-divorce/a/1800
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into dating postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Knowing how to put your children’s best interests first
will give you a sense of comfort, calm and
the freedom to enjoy yourself.
1 comment September 15, 2008
Help, my teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me!
Flexibility is especially important as your children enter their teen years. Teenagers are self-centered. Teenagers are fickle. Teenagers tend to see their parents for what they can offer–a wallet (money), a fridge (food, food, and more food), a bed (a place to sleep all day) and a car (with you as either their personal chauffeur or the “giver of the car keys”).
Don’t mistake your teenager’s struggle for independence, or his or her desire to spend more time with friends or on the Internet, for symptoms of your divorce. As children reach their early or mid-teens, their peer groups become essential to their lives. They don’t care about Mom’s time or Dad’s time; they just care about their own time. Their whole life focuses around their friends, which is normal–their primary focus is on themselves.
Many parents also complain that their children never let them know ahead of time what they will be doing, but that may be because the children themselves do not really know; that’s not how children make their plans. They get on their computers, they instant message each other, and the plan emerges, sometimes within a space of fifteen minutes. All of a sudden, they are busy and on their way to join up with friends.
Teenage behavior can be hard to take sometimes. The teen years can be especially hard for noncustodial parents. If you live an hour away from your child’s primary residence, where his or her school and peer group are, that makes it tough for the teenager to really enjoy his or her time at your home. As difficult as it may be for the noncustodial parent, most times that parent needs to take a backseat role to the person who is the custodial parent.
Here are some tips to stay connected with your teens:
- Offer to drive them to their friends.
- Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
- Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
Try not to think in terms of minutes and hours;
think in terms of the quality of the relationship
you are building and sustaining.
2 comments September 1, 2008
It’s back to school:developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
· birthdates
· school schedules
· other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
· Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
· Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
· It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
· It’s up to you to take the initiative.
· Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
· Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
· Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship
with your children:
· Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
· As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
Add comment August 28, 2008
Strategies for keeping your legal costs down
I know from the many people I speak with, that the monthly statement from their lawyer’s office seems to be the last piece of mail to get opened. It’s not like you are running to your mail to see if it is there. And, the questions you ask yourself as you open the statement can make you anxious. Are there enough funds in the retainer to cover this bill? Do I need to submit additional money? Why can’t I keep the bills down? Why does the bill add up to so much so quickly? Why? Why? Why?
Instead of asking yourself why, utilize the how to strategies to keep your legal costs down, while maintaining control over what is going on in your file.
Here are some cost saving tips to help you cut down on your legal bill:
Maximize your meeting time
- Schedule your meetings through your lawyer’s assistant.
- Make a list of questions you would like to discuss, organized by topic or issue.
- Have an agenda ready, with all items and issues to be discussed.
- Take notes.
- Do any follow-up work the lawyer gives you (reviewing documents, contacting a specific specialist, and so forth), and make sure it is done in a timely manner.
Make all communications cost effective
- Save up your questions. Don’t call or e-mail your lawyer every single time you have an inquiry.
- Check with your lawyer first and find out how he or she likes to handle communications–via e-mail, phone calls, or meetings with prepared agendas. Also ask for recommendations on making your communications more efficient.
Provide as much written information as possible
- Many lawyers have their clients write out an account of their marital history. Ask your lawyer if this is what should be done.
Use your lawyer’s services cost effectively
- Listen to your lawyer and take notes.
- Remember, if you want to vent and complain about your soon-to-be ex-spouse, the meter is still running.
- If you are able to, do certain tasks, such as filling out the financial statement, yourself.
- Don’t micromanage (pay extreme attention to the small details of) your case. This only causes your legal bills to escalate and slows down the process.
And, if there is something that doesn’t make
sense to you, ask your lawyer.
Add comment August 11, 2008
5 steps to post divorce happiness
Achieving happiness postdivorce is possible. But, like most things in life with a positive outcome, it requires hard work. There are things that you can do as you move through the divorce process to prepare and enable you to move forward with focus, hope and confidence; upon closing your divorce file.
Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to accomplish postdivorce happiness. 5-steps-to-post-divorce-happiness-more-magazine-12
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on - postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Life is like a book: some chapters are more difficult to get through than others. When I started living on my own again, I thought about how the new chapters of my own life were going to be written. I began to ask myself many questions. Can people actually be single and happy postdivorce? If they can, how do they achieve this? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets–just follow these few simple steps and, poof, a new you, easily transformed while you sleep? Or can you only reach that elusive goal of happiness when you find that perfect mate–your knight in shining armor or damsel in distress?
Think about how you would like your life to look like postdivorce and start doing some of those things now. You have choices and control. It’s up to you as to how this new chapter in your life is going to be written.
2 comments July 21, 2008
Custody and Access - what’s the difference?
The terms custody and access have been getting a lot of attention in the media recently because of the open court room of the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook trial.
It’s amazing how many clients have come to my office questioning the difference between custody and access for their children. There is a significant difference and it’s important to understand what they mean to help you with planning your child’s best interests when it comes to decision making and visitation.
The Globe and Mail ran an interesting article today on the evidence parents use when it comes to a battle – which is something you would rather avoid.
Click on this link to read the article:exhibit-a-his-3rd-grade-diorama-tralee-pearce1
What’s the difference?
Parents have both rights and responsibilities concerning their children. They must make decisions regarding their children’s health, education, and religion; support their children financially; and provide their children with a home. During the divorce process, however, the terms used to describe these rights and responsibilities can get confusing. Concepts often get mixed up, and definitions vary. As a result, parental expectations can become unclear.
In addition, the legal terms used by the lawyers, judges, and other professionals can sound so cold and clinical that they are difficult to hear. The experts may not refer to you as “parents” but as your children’s “decision makers.” Instead of discussing the time you have to spend with the kids, they may talk about “access.” I have never ever heard parents refer to their parental authority or to time with their kids in such detached ways. Nonetheless, it is important to understand these terms.
Custody
Custody refers to who has the legal authority to make decisions regarding a child’s health, education, religion, and so forth. Generally speaking, custody does not establish residential status or access (visitation rights); those specifics are usually determined by the parenting plan (described below)
Joint custody means that both parents retain legal decision-making authority. If parents with joint custody have a problem coming to a decision about the child’s best interests, this can be resolved by a parenting expert such as an arbitrator or parenting coordinator.
Sole or full custody means that only one parent is given decision-making authority over the children, usually because it would be too difficult for the parents to make these decisions together. Needless to say, if you have sole custody, you must be especially careful to act in the best interests of your children.
The Parenting Plan
The parenting plan is an agreement between divorcing parents that clearly defines how each is to continue caring for his or her children following a separation. The goals of the parenting plan are to encourage the children’s relationship with both parents and to protect the children from parental conflict. It can also be used as an intervention tool to help parents disengage from one another. Parents often fear losing control or being controlled, and a specific, structured plan can help quell those feelings.
The parenting plan provides a comprehensive schedule of each parent’s access to the children, outlines his or her co-parenting responsibilities, and establishes his or her role in parental decision making. The particulars of the plan depend on the relationship between the former spouses, each parent’s relationship with his or her children, and, of course, the children’s needs. It can be very detailed, and it may address questions.
The parenting plan can configure the residential arrangement in a variety of ways. In some families, children split their time fifty-fifty between their mother’s home and their father’s. In other cases, the children live most of the time at one parent’s home, which is called the primary residence; that parent is called the primary residential parent. The other parent, called the secondary residential parent, may have the children on select weekends and perhaps one day a week, and maybe on alternating holidays. There are, of course, many different ways to configure parental responsibility, and there is no right or wrong method.
Divorce is the dissolution of the legal contract between a married couple. It means the transforming of a family, not the ending of a family. When parents separate, it is better to think of the family as reorganized instead of broken. Everyone still needs each other. How parents handle the changes that occur because of the reorganization will have a direct effect on how well the children and parents fare after the separation. While change is often difficult, it doesn’t have to be destructive. It makes sense to get psychological support during such trying times. There are a lot of mistakes that don’t have to happen if parents are informed of the best way to solve their issues.
Add comment July 15, 2008
Working effectively with your lawyer
A smart divorce involves moving effectively through the divorce process and understanding the roles both you and your lawyer play during this time. Although you’re the one paying for the lawyer’s services, you must be involved and realize it’s a job for you, too. There are some strategies you can use for working effectively together in order to save you time and money.
Your lawyer’s job
- Develop Realistic Expectations - One of the first things you will do with your lawyer is to discuss what you can expect to receive or pay out in terms of spousal support, child support, custody of and access to the children, and division of matrimonial assets. Your lawyer can help guide you as to what a realistic outcome can be. Trying to obtain a result which your lawyer does not feel you can achieve will only cause you to incur more in legal fees, heartache and frustration.
- Maximize the Economic Outcome - Lawyers view their job as getting the best deal for their clients, but the best deal may not necessarily be the biggest number, because there are other issues as well. Sometimes a lawyer prefers a smaller deal to ensure that the client will collect what was agreed to be paid, or to avoid a trial that might further damage the relationship between parties who must continue to co-parent their children. For this reason, a lawyer’s idea of the best deal and the client’s idea of the best deal may be different, and sometimes lawyers must get clients to realize that what is best for them isn’t necessarily what they think is best.
- Look Out for Your Children’s Best Interests - Many lawyers’ first focus with their clients is on working things out for the children. Unfortunately, some parents are still so emotionally distraught, or were such poor parents in the first place, that they do things that are in their own best interests, not the children’s. They attempt to hurt the other parent, which is ultimately bad for the children. Ethical lawyers will not deal with crazy agendas and destructive goals.
Your lawyer will advise and recommend, but will leave the final decision on any course of action to you, the client. If you want to work effectively with your lawyer, it’s as much a job for you as it is for him or her. Make sure you ask lots of questions, do your research and be informed.
Add comment July 14, 2008
