Posts filed under 'relationships'
From dam to glam: dating after divorce
The dating game, and how to ensure you are putting
your children’s best interests first.
It’s been said that dating is something that is good for you but can be hard on your children, because it pulls you away from them and may be confusing for them. There are no specific rules for dating when you have kids; there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Of course, your priority should still be your children, and sometimes you have to sacrifice your needs for them.
Dating postdivorce, achieving balance in your life and putting your children’s best interest first can be a challenge. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.
http://www.more.ca/relationships/married-life/from-dam-to-glam-dating-after-divorce/a/1800
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into dating postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Knowing how to put your children’s best interests first
will give you a sense of comfort, calm and
the freedom to enjoy yourself.
1 comment September 15, 2008
Help, my teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me!
Flexibility is especially important as your children enter their teen years. Teenagers are self-centered. Teenagers are fickle. Teenagers tend to see their parents for what they can offer–a wallet (money), a fridge (food, food, and more food), a bed (a place to sleep all day) and a car (with you as either their personal chauffeur or the “giver of the car keys”).
Don’t mistake your teenager’s struggle for independence, or his or her desire to spend more time with friends or on the Internet, for symptoms of your divorce. As children reach their early or mid-teens, their peer groups become essential to their lives. They don’t care about Mom’s time or Dad’s time; they just care about their own time. Their whole life focuses around their friends, which is normal–their primary focus is on themselves.
Many parents also complain that their children never let them know ahead of time what they will be doing, but that may be because the children themselves do not really know; that’s not how children make their plans. They get on their computers, they instant message each other, and the plan emerges, sometimes within a space of fifteen minutes. All of a sudden, they are busy and on their way to join up with friends.
Teenage behavior can be hard to take sometimes. The teen years can be especially hard for noncustodial parents. If you live an hour away from your child’s primary residence, where his or her school and peer group are, that makes it tough for the teenager to really enjoy his or her time at your home. As difficult as it may be for the noncustodial parent, most times that parent needs to take a backseat role to the person who is the custodial parent.
Here are some tips to stay connected with your teens:
- Offer to drive them to their friends.
- Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
- Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
Try not to think in terms of minutes and hours;
think in terms of the quality of the relationship
you are building and sustaining.
2 comments September 1, 2008
All alone on a Saturday night?
Feeling like the fifth wheel?
Many people at the beginning of their separation or divorce often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the fifth wheel bug. Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch but, the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a Noah’s Ark society – a couple’s world, is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before. It’s not that you are not welcome as a friend, it’s that you are no longer part of a couple.
I not only hear about this situation frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I first separated. Now, not every couple excludes the single person, but there are many who do. I’ve learned that this situation occurs mostly because of discomfort. It is easier to fit four or six around a table then three or five. Balanced, even. What you need to understand is that this not about you, it’s about the way your friends feel about your situation. It’s not that your friends are afraid of you fraternizing with their husband or wife, it’s that they are used to socializing with you as a couple or they feel uncomfortable being confronted with divorce.
We all know how emotional divorce can be. And, because of your turmoil and grieving it can also take over how you express yourself in a social setting. So imagine then, a couple(s) going out for dinner on a Saturday night, wanting to keep the evening conversation light and easy. While I’m sure many of your friends are extremely supportive, the last thing this couple wants to hear after a long week of work and their own stress is your anger, bitterness or sadness.
So, what do you do about this to build your confidence and life and deal with this situation?
- Make new single friends –ask your friends if they know of someone single to introduce you to, not for a romantic relationship but friendship.
- Go to a therapist – venting about this situation to friends will only alienate you from your friends.
- Build your support network – support groups, clergy, friends, therapist, and so on.
- Go to lectures or programs which are of interest. You can find many things to enjoy advertised in the paper or at your synagogue or church.
- Start doing things outside of your comfort level for entertainment; enjoy a movie on your own, go to the bookstore, enjoy an exhibit at a museum or art gallery. This can make you a more interesting person with experiences to share and have fun in the process.
- Recognize that this is going to happen. Don’t take it personally.
Add comment July 7, 2008
Hear Deborah on “Guy Talk”
Hear Deborah talk about
The Smart Divorce on “Guy Talk”
Have you hear about the new radio show on Newstalk 1010 CFRB, “Guy Talk”? You can hear it live on Sunday evenings from 10 pm-11pm.
Guy Talk is a radio show that deals with psychological issues which modern men face. The underlying premise of Guy Talk rests in the question: Why Won’t Men Grow Up? The creator/hosts of Guy Talk are Dale Curd and Owen Williams.
I’ve been invited to speak about The Smart Divorce and dealing with the many issues surrounding divorce and relationships on May 4, 2008. Tune in and feel free to call in with your views at 416 872 1010. Although this show is targeted towards men, women are invited to call in as well. I would be interested in hearing your perspective as we discuss the many issues divorcees are confronted with.
Add comment April 14, 2008
Keeping your sanity during the insanity
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce is a process with a colossal emotional component. If you’re not careful to deal with the emotions separately and outside of the legal process you are in danger of making decisions you will later come to regret.
The kaleidoscope of emotions
The emotions can be intense and vary from person to person. What you may be feeling is fear, anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shock, frustration and even relief. I remember, as I went through my divorce, wanting to desperately piece my world back together and wanted to numb the pain. But of course, I later came to realize that if you don’t deal with the pain of your emotions, somewhere later, the emotions will catch up to you and become your emotional baggage.
Divorce has become so common today that
people underestimate how powerful an
experience it truly is
People don’t know how to react to divorcing people. There are no rituals or customs associated with mourning the loss of a marriage. There are all sorts of customs associated with losing a loved one, but how do you mourn the loss of a marriage? Without saving cavalier or glib, there are some ideas which don’t sound so bad. I’m starting to hear of people developing their own little healing ceremonies by throwing divorce parties, sending out separation announcements, burying their wedding band, or running away going on a little exotic vacation and so on. But what you also need to do is recognize that you are grieving. Grief is not a mental disorder; it is a natural, if painful, emotion that needs to be worked through!
Managing the grief
Grief presents an opportunity to make important choices and think about the life you want to lead. There is an incredible amount of emotional work and healing that needs to be done when you’re grieving, especially during the first year of tow of going through a divorce and separation.
Ways to feel better
If you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Take charge
- Give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically.
- Emotionally: develop your support network of friends, family, clergy parenting groups, support groups and perhaps a therapist.
- Physically: Eat right and exercise. Try as hard as you can to lead a healthy “balanced” life.
- Make time for yourself – do something which makes you happy.
Add comment March 19, 2008
It’s my birthday and I’ll party if I want to
It’s my birthday and I’ll party if I want to…….
Unlike Lesley Gore, who recorded the song, It’s My Party - about the lead character’s birthday party which did not turn out to be the happy occasion she thought it would be she cried, cried, cried. Why turn your birthday or any celebration into a reason for tears.
Celebrate the fact that you made it through another year. Don’t wait for someone to make it special for you, make it special for yourself
- Throw your own party; celebrate with your children, friends or extended family.
- That adventure you were thinking about, go a head, give yourself permission to finally do it.
- Buy yourself something really fabulous.
- Find a way to enjoy yourself and make a special effort to create your own happiness and joy.
I was determined to make my 45th birthday extraordinary. It looked to me as if all my friends celebrated their birthday by being whisked away by their partner to some marvelous destination or received a fancy bauble with major bling. Wanting to jump aboard that birthday express, I decided to create my own marvelous adventure. Not having someone special in my life, I felt special anyhow and whisked myself away on an unforgettable journey. I decided to mix my love of adventure with a passion for good food and pampering.
For six months prior to my birthday I sweated away twice a week spinning at the gym, preparing myself for the most delicious trip. I signed on for a bike trip which rode through the Napa and Sonoma Valley, called a solo adventure – not a singles trip, not for the lonely, a tour for those that were traveling on their own — incredible, that was perfect. Spas, great wines, beautiful vineyards, fine food and biking, how much more ideal could it be?!! It seems like a dream now, how I found the nerve to think out of the box and do something on my own – but, I enjoyed the ride of my life. It was an unbelievable experience, story and adventure.
I recommend celebrating your birthday
by realizing your dreams.
Achieving your goals and living out your dreams that is the best gift you can give yourself. It’s life affirming, just what you need to celebrate your birthday.
Today, I make my birthday special by throwing my own little birthday party celebrating with my children. I take them to an event that I know we will all enjoy (ok, maybe I’m selfish this one time and I enjoy it the most), we go to the theatre, a new restaurant; I’m always trying something new. But, I have two rules which they have to abide by, 1 - they can’t complain and 2- they have to make me a birthday card. It’s an adventure for us all and a new experience for them. If I’m lucky enough to have a few extra dollars, I buy myself something special too, a pair of earrings, bracelet or a massage.
I’ve come a long way baby and I’m worth it.
1 comment March 9, 2008
Children’s Bill of Rights from…..
Children’s Bill of Rights
from DivorceHQ.com
Here is another Children’s Bill of Rights which I came across and should help divorcing parents think about what the best interests of the children really mean and other ideas to accomplish this.
We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.
- The right not to be asked to “choose sides” or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
- The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
- The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
- The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
- The right not to be a messenger.
- The right to express my feelings.
- The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
- The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
- The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
- The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
- The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
- The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well being.
- The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
- The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
- The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
- The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.
Please realize that this is NOT law, anywhere. The “Children’s’ Bill of Rights” is not legally enforceable, but rather suggestions made to keep the best interest of the child a priority.
Add comment February 29, 2008
The Meaning of Family………..
Living in the province of Ontario, I am fortunate to have the day off tomorrow because of the new statutory holiday “Family Day”. This holiday was created because the provincial government feels that “there is nothing more valuable to families than time together. And yet it seems tougher than ever to find, with so many of us living such busy lives.”
Families. Single parent households, blended families, same-sex families, cohabitating families…….there are, I know, many other reconfigurations that I haven’t even mentioned. When you’re divorced and single suddenly the words family day take on new meaning.
What if you’re divorced with no children, and perhaps no extended family in your life to share the day - does that mean you can’t celebrate? I suggest, reach out to your friends who have become your extended family. Let them know how special they are to you. Think about what family means to you and start building important bonds and relationships that you hope can be long lasting.
If you have become estranged or alienated from your family and children use this time to reflect and try to understand what went wrong. Perhaps this can be the day when you start mending those broken relationships. The ending of a relationship between a parent and a child is probably one of the most painful experiences to ever happen.
To be estranged is a breakdown of the bond between a parent and the child and a distance between the two occurs. For what ever reason, there was something that caused the loving relationship to turn into one of apathy or hostility. Even worse, is parent alienation, which is a form of mental abuse.
“The most heinous situation in child custody disputes is called pathological alienation or parent alienation syndrome (PAS). In this scenario, one parent becomes obsessed with destroying a child’s relationship with the other parent when there is no good reason to do so. Alienation can be mild, moderate, or severe….. The children’s will and choice are removed from them through a form of brainwashing. This is a serious form of child abuse, because if it isn’t stopped, the children are headed for psychiatric disturbances, failed relationships, and dysfunctional lives in which they will pass this behavior on to their own children.”
The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, July, 2007)
What do you do to overcome these devastating scenarios? Dr. Robert A. Simon, a clinical and forensic psychologist in California suggests:
“Parental Alienation Syndrome, though a very real phenomenon, is something that I believe has become rather “trendy” these days. One of the things I’ve come to understand about PAS is that even when a parent deliberately sets out to alienate the children from the other parent that the other parent often behaves in ways so as to “confirm” the alienation. In terms of re-establishing a relationship with your children, it is vital that you look carefully at yourself and at what you are doing or have done that may play into the hands of the children’s other parent.. Otherwise, no matter what the courts do, the children will still struggle in their relationship with you”.
“My suggestion is that you consult with a qualified, experienced family law specialist who has worked with issues of alienation before and that you also hire a family law forensic psychologist to consult with you and the attorney on the matter. “
I also suggest that you work with a parenting expert, psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker to help understand the dynamics and guide you to put the relationship right. If you are dealing with a painful experience and having a difficult time rebuilding the relationship, you should still try to work with one of these professionals because you are most likely dealing with your own emotional turmoil that needs healing.
For a gut wrenching story on the disastrous effects of PAS I urge you to read A Kidnapped Mind: A Mother’s Heartbreaking Story of Parental Alienation, by Pamela Richardson. A Kidnapped Mind is a heartrending and mesmerizing story of a Canadian mother’s exile from and reunion with her child, through grief and beyond, to peace.
I would also like to refer you to the links at the side of this blog, there are some helpful sites to research these topics as well.
What I hope that you will take away from reading this post is how important it is for children to have a healthy relationship with both parents. Of course, if one parent is abusive either physically or emotionally, that is not what I am referring to. I am talking about a loving, healthy relationship where children are not used as pawns and both parents take their responsibilities seriously meaning emotional, financial and ensure their basic needs met.
If you are contributing to the breakdown of the relationship or your child’s other parent is, please reflect and consider the long term effects on your child and help to start rebuilding those relationships today.
If you are as fortunate as I am to have a healthy relationship with your children, then give them an extra hug today and tell them how much you love them.
Family day, parent child relationships and the meaning of family I’m sure for many is a hot topic. I urge you to share your thoughts. What are you doing to encourage a good relationship, overcome a painful relationship, or living with a strained relationship…….I would love to hear from you, please share your thoughts.
4 comments February 18, 2008
