Here are 5 key things parents can do make the transition back to school easier, when everything else about the family is in transition.

1. Talk to your child about what they’re feeling. Divorce can affect a child’s behavior, well-being and even academic achievement.  Look for signs of depression, withdrawal, or behavior and other issues. And, be sure to talk to your child about what they’re feeling. There are resources available if you or your child need professional help (Catholic Services, Jewish Family & Child Services, Parents without Partners, Rainbows, Up to Parents,  a therapist for you or your child)*. Help your children overcome these symptoms, and get them the help they need.
2. Reassure your child you love him/her. . It is natural for a child to worry if he is loved or if he was somehow to blame for the divorce. Ensure your child knows he is not to blame – and that he is very loved
3. Make time to answer her questions. Your child may have a ton of questions that she is dying to know. Set aside time for those questions, perhaps during or following your child’s favourite activity. You can always start the ball rolling if they are quiet: “If I were you, I’d want to know where I will be living….”
4. Try and maintain a normal afterschool schedule. Just because your child’s home life is different doesn’t mean his school life has to be. Ensure he is participating in the activities he wants to, over worries about cutting into “mom’s time” or “dad’s time.” The goal is to put your child’s best interest first.  
5. Get involved and share the excitement. There is much to do to get your kids ready for school — from buying school supplies and clothes, to dentist and doctor appointments.  Show your kids you both care and divide up the responsibilities and help them get ready for back to school.  You and your former spouse want to send a message that you are both looking forward to the coming year and want your child to do well.
6. Develop a parenting to ensure routine, structure and stability. Your parenting plan should include: a schedule of when and where your child will live, pickup times and locations, where they are on PD days, holidays, and so on. The goals of the parenting plan are to encourage the children’s relationship with both parents and protect them from any parental conflict.

Reduce your child’s stress and anxiety.  An effective parenting plan will give your child a sense of control over their lives when so much will feel out of control. It will also help them know their whereabouts, to give them reassurance, when making plans with their friends, establishing study schedules and routines. 

Get your kids off to a great school start.  Try to diminish the family conflict, work at maintaining your relationships, and send out positive messages. By taking time to listen to your child and creating a plan that puts your child’s needs first, you will help them transition through a very stressful time and into the new academic year.

* Jewish Family & Child Services - http://www.jfandcs.com/

Parents without Partners -    http://www.pwptoronto.com/

Rainbows http://www.rainbows.org/

Up to Parents – http://www.uptoparents.org/

To find a therapist – http://www.cpso.on.ca/docsearch/

Successful divorce doesn’t have to be an oxymoron

I will be in Calgary this week, speaking with a panel of experts about divorce.  The seminar is entitled Taking Charge of your Separation/Divorce.  Lisa Kadane of the Calgary Herald interviewed the panel, which I’ve copied below.  Please note the helpful tips.

By Lisa Kadane, Calgary Herald February 22, 2010

Taking Charge of Your Separation/Divorce takes place Thursday at Deer Park United Church (777 Deer Point Rd. S.E.) from 7 to 9:30 p.m. Pre-register for the $30 seminar at 403-205-5244. Or pay $40 at the door.

—

Divorce is everywhere. It screams at us from tabloid headlines at the grocery store checkout. It touches us personally when, as adults, our parents finally call it quits, or our own starter marriage fizzles.

It’s also universally ugly. Between custody battles, money squabbles and bitterness, divorce usually leaves one party on the short end of the fair stick.

And divorce is always heartbreaking — the final chapter in a book we never wanted to read in the first place.

So, to talk about having a “successful divorce” sounds unrealistic: a pie-in-the-sky idea plucked from some smarmy self-help book.

It’s not, says Deborah Moskovitch, who weathered a seven-year divorce and went on to write The Smart Divorce: A Team Approach to Managing the Issues of Divorce.

“Being smart about divorce really means moving forward with hope and confidence.”

Moskovitch will be in town Thursday as part of a seminar to help divorcing couples understand the resources available to help them through separation and divorce. Hiring a good attorney is a no-brainer, but head’s up: getting your legal house in order is only part of it.

“You’ve got to rebuild your life,” she says.

“Divorce is so common today that people underestimate how powerful it is; how powerful those emotions are.”

Estimates from Statistics Canada in 2008 suggest that 39 per cent of marriages in Canada will end by the couple’s 30th wedding anniversary.

The percentage is higher in the United States — at 44 per cent — but still short of the “half of all marriages end in divorce” stat that gets bandied about.

Still, it means more than one-third of married Canadian couples will eventually go their separate ways. Since that’s reality, those starting down the rocky road to divorce should become informed about this life-altering event before emotions take over.

The Herald spoke with three divorce experts who will be speaking at the seminar, to gather tips for a successful divorce.

lkadane@theherald.canwest.com

———

Smart Tips

- Sandy Shuler is a Calgary based family and life educator whose workshop Effective Coparenting teaches separating parents to put the kids first and understand their needs during separation and divorce.

“Often what happens is, in the process, (parents) are remiss in understanding what the experience is like for kids.”

Four tips:

1. Parents need to love their children more than they dislike their parenting partner. Put aside differences for the kids’ sake.

2. Shield children as best you can from parental conflict. No fighting or name-calling in front of the kids.

3. Give children permission to love and connect with both parents and extended family (unless there is abuse happening).

4. Understand that children will experience loss and grief, too, and that their feelings will be different from your own.

- Sharon Numerow is a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) based in Calgary. She worries that people in the midst of divorce make emotional decisions instead of educated ones, and she counsels men and women about splitting up property in their best interests.

“Educate yourself and be prepared. People spend more time researching a car,” says Numerow.

“A 50-50 property split is not always equal, so understand the decisions you’re going to make.”

Four tips:

1. Seek out professional, expert support in every area. Finding a therapist or tax consultant is just as important as hiring a good divorce attorney.

2. Money is always an issue, even when both parties claim it isn’t.

3. When it comes to splitting up investments, understand the scope of them — the risks, outlook, tax implications, costs or fees involved — and make an informed decision.

“It’s a lot of work,” Numerow admits. “I would say it’s really overwhelming for people.”

4. Women need to get on the ball with their financial situation.

“In my experience, way more women have a lack of understanding of, not just finances in divorce, but finances in general.”

- Toronto-based Deborah Moskovitch talked to more than 100 divorce experts when researching her book The Smart Divorce. She recommends people put together a team of professionals to help them navigate the split.

“I noticed so many people were bitter and angry after divorce,” says Moskovitch.

“I realized people are really unprepared for the divorce process.”

Four tips:

1. Realize that many of your divorce beefs are outside of the legal arena. For example, the law does not care if you don’t like your soon-to-beex’s parenting style. So don’t waste your lawyer’s time (and your money) by ranting about it.

2. A good divorce lawyer is gold, but he or she can’t give you parenting or financial advice.

“Bringing in the right people can save you money,” says Moskovitch. A parenting education class and even a therapist cost less per hour than a lawyer.

3. Try to keep your emotions outside of the process. When emotions take over, you end up with massive legal bills.

4. Work on rebuilding your post-divorce outlook. You will get through divorce and get on with your life.

© Copyright (c) The Calgary Herald

To read this article in the Calgary Herald click on the link:

http://www.calgaryherald.com/life/Smart+Split/2595250/story.html?id=2595250&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

The government has tightened up their requirements for passport applications for a divorced couple. They want to ensure which parent is allowed to apply for the passport, how custody is shared, and so on. It’s an important precaution. So, in an effort to move through this application process as easily as possible, incorporate a clause into the parenting plan which specifically states details about how your child’s passport should be obtained – who has responsibility, custody etc.

“Guy Talk is a radio show that deals with psychological issues which modern men face.   The underlying premise of Guy Talk rests in the question: Why Won’t Men Grow Up? The creator/hosts of Guy Talk are Dale Curd and Stuart Knight.

I’ve been invited to speak about The Smart Divorce and how to navigate the divorce process. November 1, 2009.  Tune in and feel free to call in with your views at 416 872 1010.  Although this show is targeted towards men, women are invited to call in as well.  I would be interested in hearing your perspective as we discuss the many issues divorcees are confronted with.

A SMART CLIENT IS A BETTER CLIENT

A VALUABLE SEMINAR ABOUT THE DIVORCE PROCESS:

HEAR FROM THE BENCH, THE BAR AND THE TRENCHES

Saturday, November 21, 2009 Time: 10:00 am – 1:00 pm

Location: Fairview Library, Room 2 – Lower Level

Registration Fee: $65.00, including G.S.T.

Speakers include: Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant and author of The Smart Divorce, and recently retired Family Law Lawyer Marilynne Cass, with Featured Guest Speaker: Mr. Justice Harvey Brownstone of the Ontario Family Court and author of the bestselling book Tug of War

If you are either contemplating or currently going through a divorce, this seminar offers you strategies and tips for successfully navigating the divorce process. You will learn about the differences between the “emotional divorce” and the “legal divorce”, emphasizing the scope and limitations of the legal process. You will also hear what you can and should be doing to better move your own case towards resolution. Your will learn how to avoid the emotional pitfalls, anticipate the financial hurdles and understand the litigation limitations. You will be better prepared to move forward with focus, hope and confidence while saving time and money –and your sanity!

Topics that will be discussed:

• Understanding Divorce: Exploring the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal divorce” and how to effectively manage the process.

• Working with Your Lawyer: It’s a job for both you and your lawyer. What you should be doing to make the process most cost effective.

• Getting Your Life in Order for the Divorce Process: How to organize your paperwork to cut down on legal expenses.

• Parenting throughout divorce: Exploring the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal, what children are going through; and putting your children’s best interest first.

• Moving from Mom’s house to Dad’s house – Understanding custody and co-parenting arrangements; developing a parenting plan; and parenting after divorce.

• The legal process and dispute resolutions. What this means and how to develop realistic expectation to manage the divorce process more cost effectively.

• Understanding how child and spousal support are determined. The financial paperwork you need to prepare, and the issues to consider regarding the matrimonial home and much more.

• Finally, you will have the unique opportunity to learn from a judge: how rulings are decided, the importance of using a lawyer, what happens to the self represented litigant

and, putting your children’s best interests first. You will gain valuable insight into what really goes on in the family court room.

To reserve your spot:

Call Deborah Moskovitch at 905-695-0270,

Marilynne Cass at 647-200-7318

or email info@thesmartdivorce.com

On the family calendar, list:

• birthdates
• school schedules
• other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish rules such as the following:

• Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
• Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
• It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
• It’s up to you to take the initiative.
• Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
• Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
• Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:

• Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time. (Generally speaking, permission might be needed if it is a sole custody arrangement and the non-custodial parent wishes to exercise access.)
• As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).

Here are some ideas on how to maintain connections with teenagers:

• Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
• Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
• If there are big differences in ages between siblings, plan one-on-one time with each child.

Source: The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Expert (Chicago Review Press, 2007)

If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change.  However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:

Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family

Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.

On the family calendar, list:

• birthdates
• school schedules
• other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish rules such as the following:

• Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
• Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
• It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
• It’s up to you to take the initiative.
• Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
• Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
• Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:

• Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
• As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated)

Remember, your children still have two parents.  They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.

The Calendar Year Starts in

September for Many Families

One of the most serious fall-outs of divorce is the loss or diminished child/parent relationship. While some relationships might end as a result of parent alienation http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/02/18/the-meaning-of-family/- a common reason, often overlooked is “realistic estrangement” – when a child chooses to end, or reduce the time spent with a parent. The reasons are varied and may include ineffective parenting, substance abuse and domestic violence.

How do you maintain a relationship with your children, when their priorities change from family time, to focus on school and friends?

1. Re-frame your thinking – don’t measure time spent with your children in quantity – minutes and hours, but in terms of the quality of time you are spending.

2. Be creative – keep the relationship going by doing what is in their best interest – driving them to programs, helping them with homework, ask them what they need from you. By doing so, you get to know who their friends are, understand what they are doing at school, and you will open up conversation.

3. Let them know you care – create a family calendar. A schedule of extracurricular programs, events and school events will allow you to stay connected. It will also send a positive message that you want to stay involved.

4. Get with the program – children communicate through many mediums – text messaging, instant messaging, phone and more. Staying connecting on their terms goes a long way to maintaining a healthy positive relationship. Learn the texting short forms. It’s their language and you need to know it.
5.  Be introspective
 - If you find your children withdrawing from a relationship with you, ask yourself “what am I doing?” to contribute to this dynamic. For instance:

     a. Do you put your needs before your children’s needs?
     b. Is your behaviour affecting the relationship – alcohol or substance abuse, anger management issues, domestic violence, and more- seek out the help you need to get your life in order so that you can become a good role model and better parent. 
     c. Is your new partner (if you have one) affecting this relationship?
     d. Have you ignored the relationship because of your relationship with your new family (if you remarried, or are living with someone)? Think about the damage you are doing to your children from your first family.

Don’t allow yourself or your children lose interest in the relationship. Children are the ones who live out the divorce. As parents, we owe it to our children to give them the best life possible, not a life filled with complications, despair, and a feeling of not being wanted. Children ARE the greatest love of all let them learn and lead the way.  And in the process you have developed a bond to last a lifetime.

This children’s book about a child coming to terms with divorce, manages to be both comforting and authentic at the same time.  Its message is simple and sincere:  Divorce doesn’t have to lead to a dysfunctional family.  It can lead to a healthy “different-functional” family where children know that they are worthy and loved – in spite of their parents’ decision to separate.

Written by divorced mom Lori Hilliard to help her own children, Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family is a welcome change from the traditional offerings for children coping with divorce.  This book can serve as a valuable resource for divorcing parents with young children and extended family.  There are no talking teddy bears or make-believe characters glossing over the reality of divorce.  This simple true story, told through the eyes of Hilliard’s five year old son, assures children that they are still part of a family that loves them.  The author felt it was important to feature a real child’s face, so that other children could relate to the story in a genuine way.  The book includes a section for parents to add photographs meaningful to their children, as well as a place to write down their own commitment to their children.  These thoughtful “extras” reinforce to children that their parents love for them is not diminished by divorce, and that life in a “different-functional” family can be a happy one.

The book is currently available on Amazon.com and at www.aspenwoodpublishing.com.

The author’s personal story has been featured on CNN.com

Also, here’s an article which appeared on the Maria Shriver’s First Lady of California, Women’s Conference website:

http://www.californiawomen.org/just-who-will-i-be/

Children need to be provided with the understanding that, although their parents live in two separate homes, they are still a family.  While the family might have some differences than one with both parents living together, this family is still the same in many ways – they are loved by both parents, they play and have fun like all children, and these children feel good about themselves – all very important messages.

Watch this captivating interview with Susan Ormiston who talks to family court judge, Justice Harvey Brownstone, who has spent 14 years refereeing ugly custody disputes, writing a book detailing his experiences on the bench.

http://www.cbc.ca/national/blog/video/crimejustice/tug_of_war_extended_interview.html

If this isn’t enough to keep you out of court, then read this powerful research by Dr. Robert E. Emery.   Dr. Emery conducted a 12 year study on high conflict families — who had originally appeared in court because they had filed for a contested custody hearing.  He compared two groups – those that litigated the outcome vs mediation.
The outcome:
5 hours of mediation caused nonresidential parents to see their children much more often 12 years later
Compare these rates to the dramatic drop off in contact after the typical divorce in America
For example, 28% of nonresident parents who mediated saw their children weekly 12 years later compared to 9% who litigated and 11% in the national averages

For more information and a full review of the study, click on the link

http://emeryondivorce.com/divorce_mediation_study.php

Our goal as parents is to put our children’s best interest first.  It isn’t always easy, but it’s a goal we need to achieve!