Posts filed under 'parenting support'
Here comes the judge………what he has to say
For an insightful perspective of what goes on in the family courtroom, the video attached is a must see for anyone in the throes of divorce. Why is it so important to stay out of court – because you want to avoid the tug of war between parents and the disastrous effects it can have on children
Watch this captivating interview with Susan Ormiston who talks to family court judge, Justice Harvey Brownstone, who has spent 14 years refereeing ugly custody disputes, writing a book detailing his experiences on the bench.
http://www.cbc.ca/national/blog/video/crimejustice/tug_of_war_extended_interview.html
If this isn’t enough to keep you out of court, then read this powerful research by Dr. Robert E. Emery. Dr. Emery conducted a 12 year study on high conflict families — who had originally appeared in court because they had filed for a contested custody hearing. He compared two groups – those that litigated the outcome vs mediation.
The outcome:
5 hours of mediation caused nonresidential parents to see their children much more often 12 years later
Compare these rates to the dramatic drop off in contact after the typical divorce in America
For example, 28% of nonresident parents who mediated saw their children weekly 12 years later compared to 9% who litigated and 11% in the national averages
For more information and a full review of the study, click on the link
http://emeryondivorce.com/divorce_mediation_study.php
Our goal as parents is to put our children’s best interest first. It isn’t always easy, but it’s a goal we need to achieve!
Add comment July 20, 2009
Parent Alienation Webinars
For those of you who are looking for more information about Parent Alienation (PA/PAS), I would like to bring to your attention these very webinars that have been forwarded to me. For more information visit www.paawareness.org
Webinar Series Schedule
PAAO and A Center for Human Potential is excited to bring you the following series of webinars on Parental Alienation. To register, please go to http://www.paawareness.org/webinarsignup062009.asp. The 1st set will start in only a few days!
Webinars are online seminars. Meaning you can hear and see the presenter, and their presentation, sitting at home on your computer. All you need are speakers and an internet connection. You can even ask questions live to the presenter.
Note: Pacific Standard Time is 3 hours earlier.
June 23, 2009
8:00 PM – 9:00 PM EST Harvey Shapiro – Building Your Case
9:30 PM – 10:30 PM EST Dr. Ken Lewis – The Role of a Custody Evaluator
June 25, 2009
2 PM – 3 PM EST Dr. Michael Bone – Dealing with Parental Alienation; Remedies and Treatment
3:30 PM – 4:30 PM EST Dr. Jayne Major – The Pathology of an Alienator
8 PM – 9 PM EST Dr. Abe Worenklein – Identifying Alienating Behaviours
9:30 PM – 10:30 PM EST Brian Ludmer – Legal perspectives on Parental Alienation
June 28, 2009
11 AM – 12 PM EST Dr. Reena Sommer – False Allegations of Sexual Abuse
2 comments June 23, 2009
Space still available for The Smart Divorce Workshop at Centennial College
It’s not too late to register – if you are looking to gain greater insight into the divorce process and save time, money – and your skin……..space is still available for the May 23 workshop.
The Toronto Star profiled the workshop. For an unbiased look at what I talk about and the benefits so many have received, click on the link to view the article entitled: Taking the doom and gloom out of the divorce process
http://www.thestar.com/SpecialSections/article/541734
Click on the link for more information:
http://db2.centennialcollege.ca/ce/coursedetail.php?CourseCode=CESI-602
Search
| course code: | CESI-602 |
| course name: | The Smart Divorce |
| category: | Special Interest |
| description: | People often divorce without understanding that it is a process that has both legal and emotional components. Myths and misunderstandings prevail about the effects of divorce on parents and children. This workshop will help those contemplating or experiencing divorce navigate the process. Learn what to expect about all aspects of the divorce process, how to work more effectively with a lawyer and other professionals, and strategies and tips to reduce the complexity and costs. Become better prepared for your divorce, with focus and confidence, while saving time and money. 3 hours |
| web site: | http://www.centennialcollege.ca/fun |
| certificate: | |
| register online: | https://secure.centennialcollege.ca/webreg |
Add comment May 4, 2009
The Smart Divorce Workshop Series – Space Still Available
The Smart Divorce® Workshop Series
These workshops are appropriate for individuals contemplating or already experiencing a divorce. Strategies for reducing financial costs and personal turmoil will be presented. Participants will learn what to expect legally and emotionally, and so be able to move through the process with confidence and focus while saving time and money. A subsequent session will address parenting issues, how to work with parenting experts more effectively, and available resources. Feedback from therapists and lawyers has indicated that The Smart Divorce Workshops have helped to prepare individuals for the process and make them better clients.
I have added two new workshops to the series called – Taking Control of Your Finances – with guest speakers Atsuko Hiroaka and Aaron Nimon, both Investment Advisors of BMO Nesbit Burns. The focus of these sessions is to help manage and effectively deal with your financial concerns; how to overcome your fears and understand the financial considerations as you work through the divorce process and postdivorce concerns.
Click on the link for more information: the-smart-divorce-workshop-f09-2-finr1
Program details:
The Smart Divorce: Learning the Basics – February 4, 2009
The Smart Divorce: Taking Control of Your Finances – February 11, 2009
with Guest Speaker, Investment Advisor – Aaron Nimon of BMO Nesbit Burns
The Smart Divorce: Parenting Through Divorce – February 18, 2009 2008
The Smart Divorce: Taking Control of Your Finances – February 25, 2009
with Guest Speaker, Investment Advisor – Atsuko Hiroaka of BMO Nesbit Burns
“Your seminar game the confidence I needed to start my divorce. I know what to do now and feel I’m not alone.” Dave C. Toronto
“I met a client who took your seminar today. An educated client makes this work so much easier!” Jacqueline Vanbetlehem, Mediator and Family Therapist in Oakville
Location: 12 Lawton Boulevard, Toronto (Yonge and St. Clair)
Registration Fee: $25 per workshop
Call The Smart Divorce at 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com
SPACES ARE LIMITED, CALL TODAY
2 comments January 30, 2009
Making it Through Your Divorce
Take charge and you’ll feel better…..
I noticed in the early days of divorce, that if you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Give your self the opportunity to explore and
consciously make choices about the
life you want to lead.
Here are the top 5 things you need to think about so that you can achieve control and avoid the pitfalls which can undermine you after divorce.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Will you have to move? If you do, think positive, perhaps this will give you a fresh start and way to begin life postdivorce – creating your better life.
- Will you have to go back to work? If you have been out of the workforce for a while, consider retraining and look for opportunities which you are passionate about. What have you always wanted to do? Perhaps now is the time to break out and try something different. If you don’t need to work, consider volunteer work and/or pursuing some new interests and hobbies.
- Develop your support network of new friends, family, clergy, a therapist or support groups.
- Do what you can to have a positive outlook. By feeling good about yourself, you will be a better parent. Putting your children’s best interest first should be your first objective. Finding a way to manage your emotions privately, giving your children a sense of security and love will go a long way to help your children adjust though the divorce.
What happens when you can’t see beyond this stage of divorce and the possibility of ever finding happiness? You will be undermining yourself and unable to move forward. If you focus on the hurt you lose perspective; you lose a sense of the larger picture and how this new life can take shape. You need to develop a sense of purpose for yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of surrendering to your divorce by thinking, “It’s the end of life.” It may be the end of life as you know it, but the truth is you could actually develop a better life if you work at it!
Add comment July 3, 2008
Childrens’ Bill of Rights from the……..
American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS
WHEN PARENTS ARE NOT TOGETHER
Every kid has rights, particularly when mom and dad are splitting up. Below are some things parents shouldn’t forget — and kids shouldn’t let them — when the family is in the midst of a break-up.
You have the right to love both your parents. You also have the right to be loved by both of them. That means you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It’s important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times such as a break-up of your parents.
You do not have to choose one parent over the other. If you have an opinion about which parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can’t work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.
You’re entitled to all the feelings you’re having. Don’t be embarrassed by what you’re feeling. It is scary when your parents break up, and you’re allowed to be scared. Or angry. Or sad. Or whatever.
You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you, tell someone — either your other parent or a trusted adult like a teacher.
You don’t belong in the middle of your parents’ break-up. Sometimes your parents may get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you’re just a kid, and that you can’t handle their adult worries. If they start putting you in the middle of their dispute, remind them that it’s their fight, not yours.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life. Even if you’re living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent’s side. You’ll always be a part of their lives, even if your parents aren’t together anymore.
You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn’t worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DON’T BLAME YOURSELF.
—-Special Concerns of Children Committee, March, 1998
Add comment May 21, 2008
Children’s Bill of Rights from…..
Children’s Bill of Rights
from DivorceHQ.com
Here is another Children’s Bill of Rights which I came across and should help divorcing parents think about what the best interests of the children really mean and other ideas to accomplish this.
We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.
- The right not to be asked to “choose sides” or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
- The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
- The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
- The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
- The right not to be a messenger.
- The right to express my feelings.
- The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
- The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
- The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
- The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
- The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
- The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well being.
- The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
- The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
- The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
- The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.
Please realize that this is NOT law, anywhere. The “Children’s’ Bill of Rights” is not legally enforceable, but rather suggestions made to keep the best interest of the child a priority.
Add comment February 29, 2008
Putting your children’s best interests first
The Best Interests of Your Children
While conducting some research for an upcoming book within The Smart Divorce® series I had an interesting conversation with a child protection lawyer about the best interests of the children. From this lawyer’s perspective and what I see in my consulting practice and watching what goes on around me, we agreed that people often talk about it, but don’t necessarily do it – that is put their children’s best interests first. What does best interest of the children really mean? Is it fitting your schedule into your children’s or the other way around?
Defining Children’s Best Interest
There are many definitions as to what best interest means. The Geneva Convention defines it as acknowledging that every child has certain basic rights, including the right to life, his or her own name and identity, to be raised by his or her parents within a family or cultural grouping and have a relationship with both parents, even if that means they live in two different households. It sounds straightforward, but it isn’t necessarily that easy because divorce is complicated by emotions. And – these emotions if not managed, can impair your parenting skills – causing you to think you are putting your children’s best interest first, but many parents are not! This can happen when parents are overwhelmed with their own emotions causing their parenting skills to be weakened.
Simply put, the best interests of the children means doing what is best for your children. How do you achieve this when you might be feeling raw and bitter? You need to:
- deal with your emotions (use your support network for help such as a therapist, clergy, support groups, friends and family)
- Put your emotions on the shelf so that you can be the best parent for you children.
- Let your children participate in activities and do what they would normally have done if you were married.
Children should not be punished because an
activity falls on one parent or the others time
While a parent might be supportive of an extra curricular activity, they don’t let the children participate because it falls on their time – thinking that it is punishing the other parent, when actually it is the children who suffer.
You need to recognize, that children are not possessions they are not “my children, not your children”– they still have 2 parents, you need to reframe your thinking into these children being our children.
1 comment February 29, 2008
Divorce Survival Tips
Managing a divorce is a process. You might be wondering if it’s really possible to get a smart divorce and move on to a better life? The answer is yes – with a lot of hard work. Divorce is probably one of the most emotional experiences you will ever face. The process can be overwhelming. But, it need not be, if you are able to make your decisions with focus, hope and confidence.
How to Make Smart Decisions About Divorce
Get informed about the divorce process. Take the time to find a divorce lawyer that is right for you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Make sure to understand the dispute resolutions negotiation, mediation, collaborative family law, arbitration, mediation/arbitration and litigation. As best you can, try to treat your divorce as a business transaction; keep the emotions of divorce out of your lawyer’s office. You’re in charge; make sure to understand all your options before making decisions. Information is knowledge and knowledge is power!
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce has become so common today that people underestimate how powerful an experience it is. Understand that you are grieving your divorce, which is normal and to be expected. The fact is you are experiencing losses you probably never thought would happen. To help get you through this difficult time, develop your support network including friends, family, clergy, parenting groups, divorce groups, and/or a therapist. I promise you, you will feel better. As the saying goes – time is a healer!
Coping Strategies
The number-one coping strategy is to get yourself in a position of wanting very little from your ex-spouse. The less you want from him/her, the less frustrated you will be. Think about it – if you couldn’t change your ex when you were married, you certainly aren’t going to change him/her now. Also, realize you will never get the apology you want and may even deserve. Taking control of your life, getting organized and making informed decisions will be empowering.
Moving On
You need to give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead post divorce. Envision what you would like life to like to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there. Don’t procrastinate! It’s up to you to make these things happen. Your goal should be to create a better life today than the one you had before.
Your New Found Time
You will likely have to get used to the fact that your children are not going to be with you 24/7. They will be spending part of their time with your ex and part with you. You can’t control what goes on when your kids are with their other parent. Learn to let go and don’t worry about the stuff you can’t control. Use the time when your kids are not with you productively. Pursue your dreams and your interests. Maybe now you will even have the time to see a movie or go to the gym. So, go to your closet and clean out the emotional demons, put on your favorite jeans and t-shirt or great new outfit and make plans for a fabulous evening. Just go out and have fun!
1 comment February 14, 2008
