There was a 5 part series in the Toronto Star, investigating some of the issues people are confronted with when dealing with the legal system.  What ever the issues, the bottom line is, there are problems, and that requires reforming the system.

I’ve attached links to the articles which may be of interest to you, my readers.  While you might not agree with everything in these articles, it certainly will make you pause and think………the reality is, divorce is a life changing event, and we need to view this as a process, not a crisis.  And, as I heard a lawyer so wisely say:

Divorce is a problem to be solved,

not a war to be won.

Here are the links to the articles:

Divorced dads can’t catch a break  http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/704075–divorced-dads-can-t-catch-a-break

The good divorce http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705130–the-good-divorce

Kids hard hit in nasty divorces http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705251–kids-hard-hit-in-nasty-divorces

Grandparents go to court for access to grandkids

http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705808–grandparents-go-to-court-for-access-to-grandkids

Where separation occurs without anxiety http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/706400–where-separation-occurs-without-anxiety

Of course, I always like to have the last word and comment.  My published letter to the editor, in response to the article entitled “Divorced dads can’t catch a break”, is below.

What’s the delay on shared custody?

Re: Breaking up: Family courts in crisis, Series

There are gaps in the legal system, leading to both fathers and mothers feeling that they are being treated unfairly. But, the real victims are the children who are losing out on a loving relationship with both parents, because of their parents’ conflict – who are too consumed with fighting each other, ignoring what’s in their children’s best interest.

Parents need to work together for the sake of the children, not against each other for vengeance, control and destruction of their ex partner.

Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant, Author, “The Smart Divorce”

Webinar Series Schedule

PAAO and A Center for Human Potential is excited to bring you the following series of webinars on Parental Alienation. To register, please go to http://www.paawareness.org/webinarsignup062009.asp. The 1st set will start in only a few days!

Webinars are online seminars. Meaning you can hear and see the presenter, and their presentation, sitting at home on your computer. All you need are speakers and an internet connection. You can even ask questions live to the presenter.

Note: Pacific Standard Time is 3 hours earlier.
June 23, 2009
8:00 PM – 9:00 PM EST  Harvey Shapiro – Building Your Case

9:30 PM – 10:30 PM EST  Dr. Ken Lewis – The Role of a Custody Evaluator

June 25, 2009

2 PM – 3 PM EST  Dr. Michael Bone – Dealing with Parental Alienation; Remedies and Treatment

3:30 PM – 4:30 PM EST  Dr. Jayne Major – The Pathology of an Alienator
8 PM – 9 PM EST  Dr. Abe Worenklein – Identifying Alienating Behaviours

9:30 PM – 10:30 PM EST Brian Ludmer – Legal perspectives on Parental Alienation

June 28, 2009

11 AM – 12 PM EST  Dr. Reena Sommer – False Allegations of Sexual Abuse

The Globe and Mail newspaper reported a surprising ruling by a judge this week. Despite the judge’s condemnation of the mother, calling her a liar and manipulator, it was deemed in the child’s best interest to allow the child to move out of the country with her mother (Blameless father a victim in brainwashing case, May 19, 2009).

The efforts by the father to have a relationship with his daughter were blatantly denied by the mother. Given this information, the judge viewed the daughter’s relationship with the mother and allowing them to move out of the country, in the child’s best interest – although, the judge had “expressed frustration that (the mother) beat the system by flagrantly violating court orders, spiriting (the daughter) out of the country, and keeping every measure possible to keep them apart” (father and daughter.)

The end result of this case demonstrated a very serious problem in the court system – and, that is when it comes to family law, not every family issue is a legal problem. It is a very sad situation when the gaps in the legal system support a parent who deliberately does not abide by rulings and consciously destroy the relationship with the other parent.

It is a travesty when there seems to be no consequence for the parent who defies court orders and deliberately destroys a child’s relationship with the other parent. Parents are their children’s role model. When a parent does not parent effectively, this behavior many not only be modeled by their children but, this pattern of parenting could continue for several generations. Any parent who uses their children as weapons of vengeance certainly does not understand the meaning of “the children’s best interest.” These children are often set on a path of psychological and emotional problems, not provided the opportunity to understand healthy relationships, and frequently prevented from knowing all family members. It is disheartening to learn that the father, despite his best efforts, will most likely not have a relationship with his daughter.

This young girl is set on a path for feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness and a range of psychological issues.

Most parents love their children more than they despise the other parent – the parents that cannot, really need to focus on the need to put their children first.

The issue of parent alienation has been front and center in the media recently, and deserves the attention. It’s the children who live out the divorce and deal with the toxic reality of conflict.

Justice Harvey Brownstone, a family court judge in Toronto, wrote an insightful essay which appears in The Globe and Mail, on what he described as “a prevalent concern in high-conflict custody litigation.” The link to this article, which every parent should read, is below.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090425.COESSAY25ART1958/TPStory/?query=harvey+brownstone

Justice Brownstone raises significant issues which parents need to consider. However, it is important for parents to look at their own behavior and consider how this might be affecting the relationship with their children.

My response to this serious issue of parent/child relationships appears in today’s Globe and Mail – letters to the editor.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090428.COLETTS28ART1951-6/TPStory/?query=deborah+moskovitch

If you are wondering whether or not my comments ring true, read on for a real life example of someone who paid the price dearly, and suffered significant damage as a result of parent alienation.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20090429.LETTERS29ART2018-6/TPStory/?query=deborah+moskovitch

It’s a parent’s responsibility to give their children the best life possible -this means being mature enough to

put your feelings aside

and do what is in the best interests of your children.

Families.  Single parent households, blended families, same-sex families, cohabitating families…….there are, I know, many other reconfigurations that I haven’t even mentioned.  When you’re divorced and single suddenly the words family day take on new meaning. 

What if you’re divorced with no children, and perhaps no extended family in your life to share the day – does that mean you can’t celebrate? I suggest, reach out to your friends who have become your extended family.  Let them know how special they are to you.  Think about what family means to you and start building important bonds and relationships that you hope can be long lasting. 

If you have become estranged or alienated from your family and children use this time to reflect and try to understand what went wrong.  Perhaps this can be the day when you start mending those broken relationships.  The ending of a relationship between a parent and a child is probably one of the most painful experiences to ever happen.

To be estranged is a breakdown of the bond between a parent and the child and a distance between the two occurs.  For what ever reason, there was something that caused the loving relationship to turn into one of apathy or hostility.  Even worse, is parent alienation, which is a form of mental abuse.

“The most heinous situation in child custody disputes is called pathological alienation or parent alienation syndrome (PAS). In this scenario, one parent becomes obsessed with destroying a child’s relationship with the other parent when there is no good reason to do so. Alienation can be mild, moderate, or severe….. The children’s will and choice are removed from them through a form of brainwashing. This is a serious form of child abuse, because if it isn’t stopped, the children are headed for psychiatric disturbances, failed relationships, and dysfunctional lives in which they will pass this behavior on to their own children.”

The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, July, 2007)

What do you do to overcome these devastating scenarios?  Dr. Robert A. Simon, a clinical and forensic psychologist in California suggests: 

“Parental Alienation Syndrome, though a very real phenomenon, is something that I believe has become rather “trendy” these days. One of the things I’ve come to understand about PAS is that even when a parent deliberately sets out to alienate the children from the other parent that the other parent often behaves in ways so as to “confirm” the alienation. In terms of re-establishing a relationship with your children, it is vital that you look carefully at yourself and at what you are doing or have done that may play into the hands of the children’s other parent.. Otherwise, no matter what the courts do, the children will still struggle in their relationship with you”. 

“My suggestion is that you consult with a qualified, experienced family law specialist who has worked with issues of alienation before and that you also hire a family law forensic psychologist to consult with you and the attorney on the matter. “

I also suggest that you work with a parenting expert, psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker to help understand the dynamics and guide you to put the relationship right.  If you are dealing with a painful experience and having a difficult time rebuilding the relationship, you should still try to work with one of these professionals because you are most likely dealing with your own emotional turmoil that needs healing.

For a gut wrenching story on the disastrous effects of PAS I urge you to read A Kidnapped Mind: A Mother’s Heartbreaking Story of Parental Alienation, by Pamela Richardson.  A Kidnapped Mind is a heartrending and mesmerizing story of a Canadian mother’s exile from and reunion with her child, through grief and beyond, to peace.

I would also like to refer you to the links at the side of this blog, there are some helpful sites to research these topics as well. 

What I hope that you will take away from reading this post is how important it is for children to have a healthy relationship with both parents.  Of course, if one parent is abusive either physically or emotionally, that is not what I am referring to.  I am talking about a loving, healthy relationship where children are not used as pawns and both parents take their responsibilities seriously meaning emotional, financial and ensure their basic needs met. 

If you are contributing to the breakdown of the relationship or your child’s other parent is, please reflect and consider the long term effects on your child and help to start rebuilding those relationships today. 

If you are as fortunate as I am to have a healthy relationship with your children, then give them an extra hug today and tell them how much you love them.

Family day, parent child relationships and the meaning of family I’m sure for many is a hot topic.  I urge you to share your thoughts.  What are you doing to encourage a good relationship, overcome a painful relationship, or living with a strained relationship…….I would love to hear from you, please share your thoughts.