Posts filed under ‘nurturing parent child relationships’
A Judge’s Verdict on Separation, Custody Battles and the Bitter Realities of Family Court
There are many myths and misconceptions about what goes on in a Court Room. When it comes to justice, all too often couples are disappointed by the outcome – and end up with large legal bills, family drama which causes an all out war, and a resolution that leaves couples disillusioned.
Our guest, Justice Harvey Brownstone, a sitting court judge, best-selling author of Tug of War, and host of Family Matters TV (http://www.familymatterstv.com/); helps us understand what really goes on inside the court room, and a judge’s mind. Justice Brownstone has been called a maverick judge who is a pioneer that is unilaterally changing the public image of the judiciary.
This honest and thought provoking interview will change the way you think about litigation, and how you work through the divorce process. We are fortunate to have Justice Brownstone share his thoughts and enlighten listeners as to what really goes on in Court, and what really matters.
Topics in this program include:
- The impact of litigation on the family
- What is really in your children’s best interest
- The importance of a legal consultation
- A frank discussion about divorce, relationships and so much more
To listen to Justice Brownstone’s interview click on the link:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/a-judges-verdict-on-the-bitter-realities-of-family-court/
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
- birthdates
- school schedules
- other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
- Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
- Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
- It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
- It’s up to you to take the initiative.
- Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
- Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
- Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:
- Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time. (Generally speaking, permission might be needed if it is a sole custody arrangement and the non-custodial parent wishes to exercise access.)
- As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).
Here are some ideas on how to maintain connections with teenagers:
- Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
- Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
- If there are big differences in ages between siblings, plan one-on-one time with each child.
Source: The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Expert (Chicago Review Press, 2007)
It’s back to school: developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
- birthdates
- school schedules
- other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
- Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
- Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
- It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
- It’s up to you to take the initiative.
- Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
- Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
- Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:
- Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
- As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated)
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
New school year, renwened relationships…..
New School Year, Renewed Relationships……
The Calendar Year Starts in
September for Many Families
One of the most serious fall-outs of divorce is the loss or diminished child/parent relationship. While some relationships might end as a result of parent alienation http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/02/18/the-meaning-of-family/- a common reason, often overlooked is “realistic estrangement” – when a child chooses to end, or reduce the time spent with a parent. The reasons are varied and may include ineffective parenting, substance abuse and domestic violence.
How do you maintain a relationship with your children, when their priorities change from family time, to focus on school and friends?
1. Re-frame your thinking – don’t measure time spent with your children in quantity – minutes and hours, but in terms of the quality of time you are spending.
2. Be creative – keep the relationship going by doing what is in their best interest – driving them to programs, helping them with homework, ask them what they need from you. By doing so, you get to know who their friends are, understand what they are doing at school, and you will open up conversation.
3. Let them know you care – create a family calendar. A schedule of extracurricular programs, events and school events will allow you to stay connected. It will also send a positive message that you want to stay involved.
4. Get with the program – children communicate through many mediums – text messaging, instant messaging, phone and more. Staying connecting on their terms goes a long way to maintaining a healthy positive relationship. Learn the texting short forms. It’s their language and you need to know it.
5. Be introspective
- If you find your children withdrawing from a relationship with you, ask yourself “what am I doing?” to contribute to this dynamic. For instance:
a. Do you put your needs before your children’s needs?
b. Is your behaviour affecting the relationship – alcohol or substance abuse, anger management issues, domestic violence, and more- seek out the help you need to get your life in order so that you can become a good role model and better parent.
c. Is your new partner (if you have one) affecting this relationship?
d. Have you ignored the relationship because of your relationship with your new family (if you remarried, or are living with someone)? Think about the damage you are doing to your children from your first family.
Don’t allow yourself or your children lose interest in the relationship. Children are the ones who live out the divorce. As parents, we owe it to our children to give them the best life possible, not a life filled with complications, despair, and a feeling of not being wanted. Children ARE the greatest love of all let them learn and lead the way. And in the process you have developed a bond to last a lifetime.
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