Posts filed under ‘Newspaper articles’
What September means for divorce
Deborah Moskovitch offers helpful tips for assisting your children through divorce while starting the new school year.
Hello September, so long spouse
ZOSIA BIELSKI
From Friday’s Globe and Mail
September is the cruellest month for students, but not for divorce lawyers, as the dusky end of summer brings a swell of clients to their offices each year.
“Fall is back to business time,” said Julia Cornish, senior family lawyer of Sealy Cornish Coulthard. The Halifax firm sees two spikes a year – September and January, New Year’s resolution time.
“Because we all spent so many years in school, it’s a point in our lives when we’ve been conditioned that this is when we do something new,” Ms. Cornish said.
Her office sees double and sometimes triple the normal number of calls in September. These are from new clients, as well as those who had initiated the separation process in spring but let it languish over the summer months.
“People want to get moving,” said Greg Walen, family lawyer with Scharfstein Gibbings Walen Fisher in Saskatoon.
“They’re back to work, they’re back from summer holidays and they’re back in town from the lake.”
According to Statistics Canada, the country saw 70,226 divorces in 2008, a number that’s held fairly steady since 2001. While there’s no official exit poll in September, Canadian divorce lawyers seem to agree: the calls come thick and fast this month.
Dinyar Marzban, senior family lawyer with Jenkins Marzban Logan in Vancouver, said empty nests motivate the September divorce spike.
“Fall comes around and children go to school. The category of people who rightly or wrongly hung in there for the children, maybe the last one’s gone away to university in September. There’s a fair amount of that, people waiting till the last kid’s out of the house.”
He points out that this brand of waiting game is usually reserved for couples who experience a “general dissatisfaction” in their marriages, not the cutthroat betrayals that prompt high conflict, low patience splits.
Many couples will have stewed for months or years before making the September phone call: “I don’t think people’s marriages break down then. It’s just that they start phoning lawyers then,” Mr. Marzban said.
For people waiting it out through a summer of family-filled days, “the dialogue they have with themselves is, ‘Can I hang in, should I hang in?’ ” Ms. Cornish said.
“It’s the same thing as trying to get through Christmas: Let’s get through this. Unless something catastrophic happens, nobody decides on Christmas Eve, ‘Some time today I need to go see a divorce lawyer.’ What they say is, ‘I’m thinking this probably can’t go on much longer. I’m going to get through Christmas and then come January, it’s time to make a change.’ ”
Of course, there are regional differences. Wendy Best, family lawyer with Dunphy Best Blocksom in Calgary, says that while city lawyers do see a jump in September, the real surge comes after July’s Stampede.
“We think it’s because everyone’s out Stampeding having a grand old time drinking non-stop starting at 7 in the morning. There’s all these stupid, ridiculous sayings like, ‘It ain’t cheating, it’s Stampeding.’ And the other person’s going, ‘Thanks, I’m done with you.’ ”
Stampede aside, several factors make summer an unpopular time for initiating a divorce.
“It’s not a lot of fun spending a beautiful summer day in your lawyer’s office,” Ms. Cornish points out.
Mr. Marzban sees it as seasonal lethargy: “People tend not to do anything in the summer. Summer, everybody powers down a bit.”
Another more tangible reason would be that all-inclusive getaway you splurged on together.
“Do you want to spring that on your partner before you go on the two-week holiday you’ve planned and saved for?” Ms. Cornish posits.
She adds that for those itching to split, summer also offers little in the way of momentum.
“It’s frustrating if you are trying to get things done, only to hear that your spouse is on vacation for the next two weeks, and then their lawyer’s on vacation for the next couple of weeks and then your lawyer’s on vacation. Typically courts have a much quieter schedule in the summer as well.”
At the same time, Ms. Cornish suggests summer can be the only time left in the year for reflection, a pause that can then spark the September phone call.
“It’s an opportunity to step back from the daily grind, figure out what’s working and what’s not in your life.”
How to help kids cope
The Smart Divorce author Deborah Moskovitch offers some basic back-to-school help for parents who have decided to separate in September.
Get thee to the principal’s office
To avoid awkward moments between your child and a teacher unaware of the new family dynamics, try to eke out a moment with a principal or vice-principal, who can relay the news. “They know how to handle it with their teachers,” said Ms. Moskovitch, adding that this is crucial if pick-ups are being handled by a parent unfamiliar to staff. “Parents often change the guard at school, rather than going to the other parent’s home to pick up the children. This way, the teachers are aware of what’s happening if they see another parent they’re not used to seeing.”
Get on the school list
If you weren’t the parent manning the school e-mail list, get your own account now, Ms. Moskovitch said. “Make sure that you get report cards mailed to you – register your second address. If there are field trips, you can put your name on the list to be one of the parenting guides. It shows the kids that you care and want to be involved.”
Homework for all
Moving out doesn’t exempt a parent from helping the kids with their homework, especially if they’re particularly strong in a subject. “If you were married, the kids would come home from school, have snacks and maybe some playtime and then they would do their homework.” Recreate that discipline at your place.
Pass notes
“A lot of parents use a journal that goes into the kids’ backpack as a tool to communicate with each other. It goes back and forth and they send notes about doctors’ appointments and assignments at school,” Ms. Moskovitch said.
Be flexible with visits
Between mountains of homework and extracurricular events, your children’s dance cards will fill up fast. Wednesday night pizza may not always be an option; try a lunch on the weekend or during the week if the school allows children leaving the grounds. “The parent can’t take it as a negative if the kids are busy with their friends doing school projects or hockey. They have to be creative in how they spend time with their kids, whether that’s driving [them] to the activities or having a quick dinner.”
Have the talk – most parents don’t
Ms. Moskovitch urges parents to speak with their children about the separation and anticipate their questions: Where they will live and go to school? “You need to give them a sense of security. If they’re already going to start the school year with a heavy heart because they don’t know what’s going on, at least you can try to minimize the confusion by having that conversation.”
To read this article in The Globe and Mail, and other articles by Zosia Bielski click on the link below:
Divorce Pranks: You Might Think its Funny, Will the Judge?
Divorce pranks: You might think it’s funny, but the judge won’t laugh
ZOSIA BIELSKI
Divorce pranks: You might think it’s funny, but the judge won’t laugh
ZOSIA BIELSKI
From Friday’s Globe and Mail
Published Thursday, Aug. 18, 2011 5:24PM EDT
It was with great reluctance that Dany Larivière hauled away the boulder he’d gleefully dumped on his ex-wife’s driveway just a day earlier.
Plucked from a quarry and lugged by front-end loader in the dead of night Monday, the 20-ton rock was spray-painted with fluorescent orange birthday wishes for “Isa,” then topped with a pink bow.
“She never had a rock big enough for her tastes, now she has one,” Mr. Larivière quipped to the local paper in St-Théodore-d’Acton, Que., where he is also mayor.
The prank got international attention and earned Mr. Larivière possible mischief and harassment charges – another ugly turn in his lengthy, acrimonious split from former wife Isabelle Prévost.
“I thought of Sisyphus as I read the story,” said Harold Niman, a family lawyer with Niman Zemans Gelgoot. “It’s part of the ongoing struggle that one of the people is having with their perceived wrongs, within the marriage or within the judicial system or otherwise. This is them acting out in the only way they know how to, and it’s not something they’re going to be contrite about later.”
While boulder dumping may be a unique tactic (Mr. Larivière owns an excavation company), divorce “pranks” are all too common.
“Couples who are going through a divorce process are quite often temporarily insane,” says family lawyer Phil Epstein of Epstein Cole. “It’s the worst time in their lives and sometimes the pressure gets to them and they do things they wouldn’t normally do.”
Like taking hammers and screwdrivers to a spouse’s car when it is discovered “in a compromising position,” parked in front of the mistress’s house, Mr. Epstein says.
“People have taken chainsaws to inanimate objects,” the lawyer offers casually, adding that others prefer to strew their exes’ lawns with garbage or play hide-and-seek with precious items.
credit card and the other spouse goes on a tear, so you’ll see [bills from] European Jewellery, Chanel.” Then there’s the spousal-support cheque: Many spouses will scribble vulgarities on the cheque, which the ex must then endorse to get the money. Some are more inventive: “I’ve seen people staple spiders to a support cheque – a tarantula,” says Mr. Epstein.Wine is another tool in spousal warfare, especially since the wine lover may have been forced to move out, leaving the cellar behind temporarily.
“I’ve heard of people with such rage that they go downstairs to the cellar, steam off all the labels and then mix up the bottles,” says McCarthy Tétrault family lawyer Stephen Grant. “If you think you’re drinking a $30 bottle of Côtes du Rhône and it turns out you’re drinking a $300 Château Lafite with hamburgers one night instead of filet, it’s quite upsetting.”
Mr. Niman recalls a wine-collecting husband who returned from a tryst to find his wife in the street, emptying his bottles down a sewer grate. “Not quite as bad as cutting off his penis, I suppose, but I guess it’s figuratively doing that, isn’t it?” says Mr. Niman.
While Mr. Larivière’s boulder stunt has been widely treated as a gag, the recipient rarely sees it that way.
“They see this as an invasion of privacy, that their spouse is unhinged,” says Mr. Epstein. “It makes them … ask the question: ‘If you dump a rock on my property, what else are you capable of doing?’ ”
Mr. Larivière’s three-year split from his wife has seethed with animosity: Ms. Prévost had harassed him, threatening to report him to tax authorities unless he gave her cash payments and real estate, he said. She, meanwhile, accused the mayor of physical and verbal abuse and said she feared for her two children when Mr. Larivière won joint custody after the couple finally divorced last year.
“This story is a powerful example of how family litigation can leave an enduring legacy of bitterness, despite the outcome,” says Victoria Smith, a collaborative lawyer and mediator. “This is not a joke – this was retribution, this was a public humiliation of the wife, despite the fact that the court case ended last year and the husband won joint custody.”
As for the couple’s children, a 12-year-old boy and a nine-year-old girl, “Imagine them waking up to find a boulder in their mother’s driveway, their driveway,” says Ms. Smith.
So why do spouses do it?
“The party that is pranking really feels like they are the victim. They’re not getting the vindication they’re looking for,” particularly in the division of assets, says Deborah Moskovitch, divorce consultant and author of The Smart Divorce.
According to mediator and divorce coach Deborah Mecklinger, betrayal is the main motivator, “whether that’s having done away with all of the family’s funds or absconding for another person.” She says the mayor’s much-celebrated ruse was the “ultimate power play.”
“It represented what a person who has a sense of limits may fantasize about but not put into action,” she says, adding: “Clearly it touches a place that many people imagine and wish that they could go to with their ex.”
But while pranks can bring temporary euphoria to the mischievous spouse, they can also have dire consequences for litigation and spousal support.
“All these things typically backfire. They’ll look very bad to a judge,” says Mr. Grant, who urges his clients to take the high road.
Ms. Mecklinger agrees, saying: “When somebody ups the ante, get out of the ring.”
So which is the more vindictive of the sexes? None of the experts wants to say.
“I don’t think anybody has the monopoly on that,” Mr. Niman offers. “The saying ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ is probably no longer accurate. It’s hell hath no fury like a spouse scorned.”
Crazy, Stupid, Love — this is what divorce looks like?
This summer, The Globe and Mail’s Dave McGinn takes the pros to the movies – people whose real lives, professions and passions are flickering up on the big screen – to see where seasonal silliness and reality intersect. This week: Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Breaking up is hard to do, but it helps to have Ryan Gosling there to get you back on your feet when your marriage falls apart. Every newly divorced man can rely on this, right? How does the picture of divorce painted by Crazy, Stupid, Love, also starring Steve Carell and Julianne Moore, hold up to reality? Pretty well actually, says Deborah Moskovitch, a Toronto-based divorce consultant and author of The Smart Divorce.
Do you think that any middle-aged man who wears running shoes on a romantic date with his wife is headed straight to divorce city?
He’s not headed straight to a divorce, but he should head straight to Harry Rosen and work with a stylist.
What is a divorce consultant, anyways?
What makes me different [than a lawyer or therapist] is that I help people really understand the divorce process from the emotional side and the legal side without offering legal advice or acting like a therapist.
Should you avoid driving with your spouse after telling them you want a divorce so that no one jumps out of the car, the way Carell’s character does in the movie?
If you want to have a smart divorce rather than an ugly divorce, I don’t think you should have that conversation in the car. There’s got to be more planning. You need to think things through. Someone is always going to be hurt by that decision. I have a lot of clients who don’t know how to tell their partner. I’ll send them to a therapist.
In the movie, one of the kids finds out about the divorce when Carell’s character accidentally blurts it out in front of him. Telling the kids is obviously incredibly difficult, but just blurting it out probably isn’t best, right?
That’s got to be the worst thing. It’s devastating for that kid. Kids need to know that the divorce was not their fault, that you love them very much. You need to make them feel secure. Both parents should sit down together and explain the reasons for the divorce, come up with a plan of who’s moving out, where they’re moving, and answer some of the questions that the kids are going to want to know.
When news spreads about Carell and Moore’s divorce, one couple informs Carell they had to pick who to be friends with, and they chose Moore. How do you make sure that when your friends decide which of you they’re going to remain friends with, they pick you?
I don’t think that you can do that. Some couples are able to part amicably, and people don’t feel like they have to take sides. But I do know of people that have said to their friend, “If you’re friends with her, then I can’t be friends with you any more.” Some people do feel there’s a loyalty bond and you’re breaking that bond if you’re socializing [with their ex].
Should every newly single man who is going through a divorce hope that a Ryan Gosling-esque ladies man shepherds them through the dating scene and maybe helps them win their wives back?
It’s deeper than that. Maybe he [Steve Carell’s character] did let himself go. And he just became so complacent in the relationship that he wasn’t keeping himself up the way he did when they first started dating. Clothes don’t make the man, but it’s important not to get into a routine or forget to focus on the relationship any longer.
So no Gosling-esque ladies men, then?
What happens to a lot of people is that they’ve got this identity as a married couple and then they are floundering. You do need to reinvent yourself, in a sense, to find yourself, who you are as an individual. Oftentimes people will start working out and they’ll start paying attention to themselves, they start dressing better. It’s common for people to want to take better care of themselves.
Julianne Moore’s character has an affair. Is that a frequent precursor to divorce?
Some people have an exit affair. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point.
When do you know that a marriage is definitely over, that there’s no way it can be salvaged?
If you lose trust and respect, that’s often difficult to get back. But everyone has an individual breaking point. One of the things I do for my clients is that if they are very unsure, I will tell them to work with a therapist to make sure this is the right decision for them. Because there’s no going back once you go down that road.
As someone who does your job, what did you really like about the movie, and what did you really not like?
I think the movie was very good about showing the pain of divorce. What I didn’t like about the movie was it just showed that he was able to bounce back a little too quickly to become that womanizer. But there wasn’t much that I didn’t like about that movie. It wasn’t a deep movie, but it did show that kids are smarter than we give them credit for, it showed the mistakes that parents make.
This interview has been condensed and edited.
To access the article click on the link
Your presence is requested as we celebrate our divorce
The invitations to Charles and Bonnie Bronfman’s latest fete are embossed and formal. Guests of the Canadian-born business magnate and his architect wife are asked to wear proper business attire for the fancy event — a night of cocktails and party chatter in New York City. And before signing off on the invites with “Fondly, Bonnie and Charles,” they tell guests how much they look forward “to continuing these relationships with everyone.”
To read the full article, and view a quote by Deborah Moskovitch, open the pdf below.
When women are better off divorced
Divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grow from. While it may be an ending to your marriage, it can be a new beginning to a fulfilling life.
An article appeared in the Toronto Sun talking about how some celebrities have shown strength during the divorce process, and have moved on valiantly.
I offer some tips in that article how to get your groove back, and move on to a better life post-divorce.
“Showing the world your happy face won’t only keep
the less sympathetic tabloids at bay, it could actually
change your whole perspective.”
Click on the link to view the full article.
http://www.torontosun.com/life/2010/08/27/15159681.html#/life/2010/08/27/pf-15159681.html
Why I neded to write about my divorce
People often ask my why I wrote the book, The Smart Divorce, http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Divorce-Strategies-Financial-Counselors/dp/1556526725/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279896174&sr=8-1
I learned so much about divorce, that I wanted to help others through their divorce. But, my experience wasn’t enough. I researched divorce extensively speaking with over 100 foremost experts – lawyers, therapists, financial experts and others — across North America.
For more detail, read the article in the Globe & Mail Why I needed to write about my divorce
While divorce is an ending, it is a new beginning – to a
life that can be rich and rewarding.
Breaking up, a 5 part series
Nothing is in this world is perfect, and certainly not the legal system. There are gaps in the system. The challenge is to work beyond the gaps…….as one lawyer once told me, the legal system was designed for criminals and, divorce is not a criminal act. So, given that perspective, I hope you can see why you should try to stay out of court. Of course, there are always exceptions, and at times, one has no choice but to litigate.
There was a 5 part series in the Toronto Star, investigating some of the issues people are confronted with when dealing with the legal system. What ever the issues, the bottom line is, there are problems, and that requires reforming the system.
I’ve attached links to the articles which may be of interest to you, my readers. While you might not agree with everything in these articles, it certainly will make you pause and think………the reality is, divorce is a life changing event, and we need to view this as a process, not a crisis. And, as I heard a lawyer so wisely say:
Divorce is a problem to be solved,
not a war to be won.
Here are the links to the articles:
Divorced dads can’t catch a break http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/704075–divorced-dads-can-t-catch-a-break
The good divorce http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705130–the-good-divorce
Kids hard hit in nasty divorces http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705251–kids-hard-hit-in-nasty-divorces
Grandparents go to court for access to grandkids
Where separation occurs without anxiety http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/706400–where-separation-occurs-without-anxiety
Of course, I always like to have the last word and comment. My published letter to the editor, in response to the article entitled “Divorced dads can’t catch a break”, is below.
What’s the delay on shared custody?
Re: Breaking up: Family courts in crisis, Series
There are gaps in the legal system, leading to both fathers and mothers feeling that they are being treated unfairly. But, the real victims are the children who are losing out on a loving relationship with both parents, because of their parents’ conflict – who are too consumed with fighting each other, ignoring what’s in their children’s best interest.
Parents need to work together for the sake of the children, not against each other for vengeance, control and destruction of their ex partner.
Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant, Author, “The Smart Divorce”
Parent alienation: the child’s best interest
……and the gaps in the legal system
The Globe and Mail newspaper reported a surprising ruling by a judge this week. Despite the judge’s condemnation of the mother, calling her a liar and manipulator, it was deemed in the child’s best interest to allow the child to move out of the country with her mother (Blameless father a victim in brainwashing case, May 19, 2009).
The efforts by the father to have a relationship with his daughter were blatantly denied by the mother. Given this information, the judge viewed the daughter’s relationship with the mother and allowing them to move out of the country, in the child’s best interest – although, the judge had “expressed frustration that (the mother) beat the system by flagrantly violating court orders, spiriting (the daughter) out of the country, and keeping every measure possible to keep them apart” (father and daughter.)
The end result of this case demonstrated a very serious problem in the court system – and, that is when it comes to family law, not every family issue is a legal problem. It is a very sad situation when the gaps in the legal system support a parent who deliberately does not abide by rulings and consciously destroy the relationship with the other parent.
It is a travesty when there seems to be no consequence for the parent who defies court orders and deliberately destroys a child’s relationship with the other parent. Parents are their children’s role model. When a parent does not parent effectively, this behavior many not only be modeled by their children but, this pattern of parenting could continue for several generations. Any parent who uses their children as weapons of vengeance certainly does not understand the meaning of “the children’s best interest.” These children are often set on a path of psychological and emotional problems, not provided the opportunity to understand healthy relationships, and frequently prevented from knowing all family members. It is disheartening to learn that the father, despite his best efforts, will most likely not have a relationship with his daughter.
This young girl is set on a path for feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness and a range of psychological issues.
Most parents love their children more than they despise the other parent – the parents that cannot, really need to focus on the need to put their children first.
Nurturing parent/child bonds
The issue of parent alienation has been front and center in the media recently, and deserves the attention. It’s the children who live out the divorce and deal with the toxic reality of conflict.
Justice Harvey Brownstone, a family court judge in Toronto, wrote an insightful essay which appears in The Globe and Mail, on what he described as “a prevalent concern in high-conflict custody litigation.” The link to this article, which every parent should read, is below.
Justice Brownstone raises significant issues which parents need to consider. However, it is important for parents to look at their own behavior and consider how this might be affecting the relationship with their children.
My response to this serious issue of parent/child relationships appears in today’s Globe and Mail – letters to the editor.
If you are wondering whether or not my comments ring true, read on for a real life example of someone who paid the price dearly, and suffered significant damage as a result of parent alienation.
It’s a parent’s responsibility to give their children the best life possible -this means being mature enough to
put your feelings aside
and do what is in the best interests of your children.
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