Posts filed under 'mourning divorce; mourning marriage'
All alone on a Saturday night?
Feeling like the fifth wheel?
Many people at the beginning of their separation or divorce often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the fifth wheel bug. Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch but, the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a Noah’s Ark society – a couple’s world, is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before. It’s not that you are not welcome as a friend, it’s that you are no longer part of a couple.
I not only hear about this situation frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I first separated. Now, not every couple excludes the single person, but there are many who do. I’ve learned that this situation occurs mostly because of discomfort. It is easier to fit four or six around a table then three or five. Balanced, even. What you need to understand is that this not about you, it’s about the way your friends feel about your situation. It’s not that your friends are afraid of you fraternizing with their husband or wife, it’s that they are used to socializing with you as a couple or they feel uncomfortable being confronted with divorce.
We all know how emotional divorce can be. And, because of your turmoil and grieving it can also take over how you express yourself in a social setting. So imagine then, a couple(s) going out for dinner on a Saturday night, wanting to keep the evening conversation light and easy. While I’m sure many of your friends are extremely supportive, the last thing this couple wants to hear after a long week of work and their own stress is your anger, bitterness or sadness.
So, what do you do about this to build your confidence and life and deal with this situation?
- Make new single friends –ask your friends if they know of someone single to introduce you to, not for a romantic relationship but friendship.
- Go to a therapist – venting about this situation to friends will only alienate you from your friends.
- Build your support network – support groups, clergy, friends, therapist, and so on.
- Go to lectures or programs which are of interest. You can find many things to enjoy advertised in the paper or at your synagogue or church.
- Start doing things outside of your comfort level for entertainment; enjoy a movie on your own, go to the bookstore, enjoy an exhibit at a museum or art gallery. This can make you a more interesting person with experiences to share and have fun in the process.
- Recognize that this is going to happen. Don’t take it personally.
Add comment July 7, 2008
Making it Through Your Divorce
Take charge and you’ll feel better…..
I noticed in the early days of divorce, that if you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Give your self the opportunity to explore and
consciously make choices about the
life you want to lead.
Here are the top 5 things you need to think about so that you can achieve control and avoid the pitfalls which can undermine you after divorce.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Will you have to move? If you do, think positive, perhaps this will give you a fresh start and way to begin life postdivorce - creating your better life.
- Will you have to go back to work? If you have been out of the workforce for a while, consider retraining and look for opportunities which you are passionate about. What have you always wanted to do? Perhaps now is the time to break out and try something different. If you don’t need to work, consider volunteer work and/or pursuing some new interests and hobbies.
- Develop your support network of new friends, family, clergy, a therapist or support groups.
- Do what you can to have a positive outlook. By feeling good about yourself, you will be a better parent. Putting your children’s best interest first should be your first objective. Finding a way to manage your emotions privately, giving your children a sense of security and love will go a long way to help your children adjust though the divorce.
What happens when you can’t see beyond this stage of divorce and the possibility of ever finding happiness? You will be undermining yourself and unable to move forward. If you focus on the hurt you lose perspective; you lose a sense of the larger picture and how this new life can take shape. You need to develop a sense of purpose for yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of surrendering to your divorce by thinking, “It’s the end of life.” It may be the end of life as you know it, but the truth is you could actually develop a better life if you work at it!
Add comment July 3, 2008
