Posts filed under ‘More magazine’
The Post Divorce Dating Game
The following article recently appeared in the Huffington Post
Children often have difficulty with a divorced parent’s first move into the dating world. Many children, no matter how old, fantasize about mommy and daddy getting back together and becoming part of one big happy family again. While deep down your children know fantasy will likely not become a reality, moving on to the next chapter of your life requires balance and sensitivity.
When Barbara Steinman* first started dating again, she found “dating was exciting and took up a lot of time. I didn’t have balance in my life. I was going out a lot and then realized I had to pull back and spend more time at home with my kids.”
Steinman says she also felt self-conscious, wondering what other people would think of her.
“After being married for so many years I hadn’t thought of myself in terms of being appealing to men in a relationship or sexual sense, rather than as friends.”
To read the whole article, click on the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/getting-into-the-post-div_b_1010925.html
How Divorce Can Be Empowering
I share with More magazine online (more.ca) my most personal journey through divorce…..the purpose is to inspire and empower the reader with focus, hope and confidence.
There’s a story I often share in the hopes that it inspires and empowers others. I call it: Reframing your thoughts to create the best life yet. It’s about how my engagement ring changed from a symbol of love as a couple to love of myself. I know what you’re thinking: This sounds cliché, and this divorce consultantand educator is just one more flake trying to sell swampland in Florida.
A week after my youngest child was born I learned some devastating facts about my marriage which were about to turn my world upside down. But, fifteen years later my world is not only sunny-side up but also a whole lot different — very fulfilling. I’m living out my dreams.
I’ll never forget the day a week after my third child was born. I tried to buy diapers for my son and my credit card was declined, yet again. The humiliation I felt when I approached my car empty handed, while my parents and baby were waiting for me, was devastating. There is usually a breaking point that causes people to make difficult decisions. And that episode was to be the start of mine. It was the low point that began my catalyst for change.
I believed in the sanctity of marriage in good and bad times. I grew up fairly sheltered, with tunnel vision and naiveté. The “D” word never existed in my vocabulary and I was determined to stay married. I made my life about my children. But all that unraveled that fateful day my diaper purchase was declined – the day I realized that the trust, communication and honesty were gone from my marriage.
To read the full article, click on the link: http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/how-your-divorce-can-be-empowering/a/37626
Why has the divorce rate risen so high?
The evolution of the
high divorce rate
The Canadian divorce rate has risen over 1,000 per cent over the last 50 years. Find out why.
- By:
- Deborah Moskovitch
Have you ever stopped to ponder why the divorce rate has risen so dramatically over the past 50 years? When my parents married in the 1950s the divorce rate was minimal. According to Statistics Canada, in 1951 there were only 5,270 divorces in all of Canada. The number rose dramatically to a staggering 70,226 divorces in 2008 – a whopping 1,232% increase in total divorces over 50 years. This compares with an increase in the total population of only 139%. Divorce was a rare event previous to the first world war with a rate of less than one per 1,000 of the yearly number of marriages, says Stats Can.
There has been significant progress in divorce reform making it easier and fairer to obtain. Researchers would most likely agree that not only has divorce become more socially acceptable, but divorce laws have also changed to provide a more equitable resolution for many since the late 1960s. The amendment to the Divorce Act to permit the reason for divorce as no-fault (in other words, no-blame divorce) has radically altered the factors influencing the decision to divorce.
In other words divorce has become less of a stigma, you don’t have to prove fault, and there is more fairness in addressing financial concerns for the disadvantaged spouse. In addition, there has been extensive research on the impact of divorce upon the family, children, social outcomes and so much more. This learning has enabled the development of more effective resources to help the divorcing individual. No longer does one feel forced to stay in a marriage when there is a serious breach of trust, or any kind abuse. These are very positive outcomes of divorce reform.
The grass isn’t always greener, so why the high divorce rate?
But, knowing what we do — that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, that divorce can be hard on children, lifestyle is often diminished, and the divorce rate rises with each subsequent marriage — why is the divorce rate still so high? Has the traditional wedding vow promising to love and cherish each other in sickness and in health until death do us part lost its meaning? Or, have expectations about marriage and what we want out of a partner changed over the years, resulting in this dramatic rise in divorce.
Choosing to divorce is certainly not an easy decision. For most, the decision to divorce is a result of a great deal of soul searching and questioning. While the legal system for divorce is far from perfect, it is significantly better than it was in the 1950s. But, upon closer examination, it appears that changing attitudes towards relationships and marriage have impacted the divorce rate over the last 50 years. I spoke with one of the foremost sociologists and researchers in North America, Dr. Paul Amato, who has conducted extensive research on marital quality and stability.
The 1950s and “companionate marriage”
I learned that to better understand divorce, you need to understand marriage and the attitudes towards each have changed and impacted these momentous decisions. Dr. Amato states that marriage in the 50s and 60s was called the “companionate” marriage. The feature of a companionate marriage was the idea of successful teamwork. That is, husbands and wives got married because they wanted to work as a team to accomplish a lot of important life goals — like running a home, being economically secure, raising a family and so on. Those marriages weren’t perfect; they weren’t egalitarian because the husband was the head of the household. Nevertheless the assumption was that each partner was expected to sacrifice something of their own for the success of the team, and that marriage was more important than the individual.
The reason people get married today
To read the whole article click on the link below:
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/the-evolution-of-the-high-divorce-rate/a/36793
How you can forgive your ex-husband
Letting go of a spouse’s transgressions isn’t easy. Here are 5 ways to move on.
- By:
- Deborah Moskovitch
Forgiveness and letting go are topics that often arise in my divorce consulting practice. The individuals who were “wronged” either through betrayal, shattered promises, or a whole host of other reasons want an apology. Many feel that having a sense that justice has been done will ease the emotional trauma. But, the truth is, an apology or restitution is unlikely to happen. Even when apologies happen, offended parties tend to perceive them as less complete and sincere than they ought to be.
I hear:
“He had an affair, he was wrong, and I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness.”
“He promised we would spend the rest of our lives together, and now he’s leaving? I hate him; he deserves nothing!”
And the extreme, “I’m going to cut his !@#$ off, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, only to be in pain for the rest of his life – just like Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband.”
To read the full article click on the link
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/how-you-can-forgive-your-ex-husband/a/35594
The doyennes of divorce
Divorce is a live changing event. I can certainly attest to that, as my life has changed dramatically. I feel that my divorce has opened up a world of opportunity, and led me on path that I never dreamed of when I first separated. Divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grow from; I am the author of The Smart Divorce, and a successful Divorce Consultant and Author. Read on to see how others are changing the world of divorce and helping others.
Below please find an excerpt from More magazine about three women who are remapping the road to Splitsville, and helping others along the way.
The doyennes of divorce
Take Toronto’s Deborah Moskovitch, 51, whose book, The Smart Divorce, was published in 2007 after her own disastrous seven-year-long divorce. While writing the book, she began to get phone calls from friends, relatives, even strangers asking her for advice. “That’s when I realized there was a need for people to understand the divorce process itself,” she says.
In response, the mother of three launched a divorce consulting business in 2006. In addition to word-of-mouth referrals, her main marketing tools have been a website and strategically cultivated media contacts. Before long, she’d become a go-to girl on divorce for the media (she has appeared in the Globe and Mail, on the television program Money Maze and on more.ca, to name a few). That high profile has provided her with a steady stream of clients.
Guiding people through divorce
Moskovitch isn’t a marriage counsellor or a lawyer; her background is in marketing. But her seminars and consulting sessions aim to guide people through the tough choices — from deciding on a process and a lawyer to staying sane and handling parenting. Moskovitch keeps a roster of mental health professionals, parenting experts and lawyers so she can offer referrals as needed. But mainly she guides her clients, keeping their bottom line in mind. Among her pearls of wisdom: “You have to recognize you’re not going to get revenge in court — you’re going to get legal bills.”
Moskovitch has recently hooked up with large companies and government organizations to offer divorce workshops and private consultations to employees. Her book is now in its second printing — in part because the experts she interviewed for it often buy it in bulk and sell or give it to clients — and she has two more in the works. “Am I really rich? No,” says Moskovitch. “But it’s evolving. I’ve recently realized my dream to have a radio talk show about helping people deal with a life reconfigured by divorce.”
To view the full article, click on the link below
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/the-doyennes-of-divorce/a/35287/2
How your parents’ divorce might be setting the stage for your own
Midlife divorce: Blame it on your parents?
Can your parents divorce be the cause of your own divorce?
Shannon*, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her “aha” moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce. She married her husband because he “completed” her – masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love.
It wasn’t until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents’ divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5.
While the lack of a relationship with a parent can have a significant impact on romantic relationships for a child later in life, there is a debate amongst researchers on this topic. Some say, these individuals are affected for life. Others feel that with work, an individual can learn to come to terms with it, heal and develop rich and successful romantic partnerships.
To read the rest of the article, and learn some helpful and strategies for healing and acceptance, click on the link
http://www.more.ca/relationships/midlife-divorce-blame-it-on-your-parents/a/33856
Out of the closet: support for the straight spouse
Just because your spouse came out of the closet,
doesn’t mean you have to go in.
I have had several individuals in my divorce consulting practice tell me that their spouse declared they were gay. They felt alone – but this is not a rare event. While Canadian figures are not available, conservative estimates indicate that roughly two million lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) individuals in the United States have married someone of the opposite sex. When these partners come out of the closet, one third of these relationships break up right away, a third stay together for a year and then separate, and another third commit to making it work – although three years later, only half of this last group of relationships are still intact.
Please click on the click to read more and a reality check:
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women. I’ve written many articles for this site. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life
Getting through these issues and feelings, and effectively coping can take anywhere from 3 – 6 years to properly heal. Statistics indicate that it takes one year of healing for every five years of marriage. And, once this process takes place, for many, there is a realization that their partner really did marry them out of love, and not to hide in a closet — they fully intended to make it work. So, while these couples cannot be lovers, perhaps they can still be good friends.
Divorce myths debunked
Are children of divorce really doomed? Does communication get better?
There are many myths and misconceptions about the outcome of divorce will be postdivorce. People often have incorrect visions about how their life is going to unfold – with their former partner, their children, dating, and the all too common thought “the grass is greener on the other side.”
Please click on the link for a reality check:
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-myths-debunked/a/30888/2
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
People need to process what the separation means to them on an emotional level; to consider the marriage/relationship in terms of what was good, what was not so good, and how they may have contributed; and, who they are and want to become, as individuals, separate from the relationship. It does one good to become conscious of lessons learned from the old relationship, or else risk a replay of the dynamics in subsequent relationships.
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