Posts filed under ‘Marriage and divorce’
Can Divorce Cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Did you know that PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, affects more than just service members in the military? PTSD results from exposure to a traumatic event, such as divorce – which could impact on how children’s lives unfold.
Dr. Robert J. Cipriano Jr. (www.simcipgroup.com), a preeminent Licensed Psychologist in Florida who specializes in police psychology and works for one of the largest police departments in the Southeastern part of the United States, shares his knowledge, experience and expertise on this manageable and treatable disorder.
Dr. Cipriano draws on his years of field experience to explain how trauma and violence can impact an individual’s psychological wellbeing; specifically recognizing signs and symptoms of the disorder, how it manifests, and how to work and interact with those who may suffer from it.
Topics include:
- How to recognize the symptoms of PTSD
- How stigma affects those that suffer from PTSD
- Growing up in a household with someone who has PTSD
- Helping children cope when a parent has PTSD
- The myths and magical thoughts that others may have surrounding PTSD, especially stigma
- Enhancing of Communication Skills & Interpersonal Relations
Join Deborah and Steve on the journey to understand this disorder. Could you or a loved one have experienced PTSD as a result of a high conflict divorce or a traumatic event in your past? Listen and learn, as Dr. Cipriano so wisely comments – “Education is empowerment, and empowerment can overcome fear, hopelessness and helplessness”.
Dr. Cipriano can be reached at info@SIMCIPGROUP.COM
To listen click on the link:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/can-divorce-cause-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/
Moving Out and Moving On: Overcoming Domestic Violence
Our guest, Sharon Zarozny of Brilliant Exits (http://www.brilliantexits.com/) shares her personal story of overcoming the trauma she experienced as a victim of Domestic Violence and abuse. Domestic Violence can happen to anyone, and Sharon was hard pressed to believe that this was happening to her. Fact was, as an educated woman who’d traded in a successful career to be a stay at home mom, there was no wayshe and her daughters were the “victims” of that ugly phrase “domestic violence.” Sharon’s family had the trappings of a privileged life thanks to her husband’s thriving surgical practice. He was a brilliant Ivy League grad. It just didn’t add up.
If you can identify, get a copy of Susan Weitzman’s book Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages or check out nottopeoplelikeus.com. Knowing you are not alone is so crucial to getting out. In your world that swirls with “unreals” and craziness, you’ll find this book/site a gift of validation. You’ll know you are not crazy.
Also visit The Weitzman Center and download the free Care Kit provided. It too will help you understand and safely plan for when you are ready to get out. And plan you must. When you leave a high earning, narcissistic professional you can be in for quite a rough ride through the legal system. Often the upscale abuser has the means, power and leverage to hire a legal dream team and use the courts to further the abuse.
To learn more about Sharon’s story, read her article that appeared in The Huffington Post:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sharon-zarozny/are-you-brave-enough-to-l_b_837390.html
To hear this important interview click on the link below
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/overcoming-domestic-violence-moving-out-and-moving-on/
How to Make Your Marriage Last
5 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married
This article first appeared on The Huffington Post, Weddings
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/5-questions-to-ask-before-married_b_977064.html
While it sounds rather obvious, picking the partner that’s right for you is a sure-fire way to keep the love flame burning and your marriage last.
As a divorce consultant and educator, I’ve learned so much about why relationships don’t work — and the bottom line answer is that not enough communication and introspection have taken place to make the relationship work. People don’t really understand themselves and their partners. And, consequently, they make decisions to pair up for all the wrong reasons.
According to HuffPost blogger Jennifer Gauvain, 30 percent of women have an inkling before they walk down the aisle that they are going to marry the wrong person. If you want to ensure that you are in the 70 percent majority and are marrying for love and all the right reasons, I’ve outlined some thoughts and considerations. If you don’t know the answers to these questions, it is better to start the conversations now, before you say “I do,” than after and say “I want out.”
Considerations and Conversations:
1. Do you and your partner have similar social values and outlooks on life?
2. Have you discussed finances? Are you or your partner bringing in any debts to this union, and if so, do you have a repayment strategy? Are you a spender or a saver? What about your partner? And, if your spending styles are drastically different, how do you plan on overcoming these differences and work towards common goals?
3. Do you have similar life goals, like starting a family? Work ethic? Lifestyle? And if these ideals don’t mesh, then ask yourself if you can realistically overcome these differences together. If you can’t, is it in your best interest to stay together?
4. If you want children together, have you discussed religious issues (especially important if this is an interfaith relationship) parenting styles and family values?
5. Next on the agenda is to ask yourself what you want and need from a partner. Many people today are looking for their “soul mate” and someone to complete them. But, someone can’t make you happy, only you can really make yourself happy.
There is work required to really get to know your partner — isn’t it worth the effort to ensure a lasting, loving marriage? And remember, don’t expect that things will change once you get married. If your partner didn’t change while you were dating, what is going to be different once you are married? What you will have to change is yourself, your reaction to those behaviors and attitudes that you didn’t necessarily agree with.
Difficult conversations, constant communication, trust, respect and honesty, while not guarantees, will certainly help in keeping your soul mate in your soul, and not under your sole as you walk all over each other.
If you’ve made it this far and still want to say “I Do,” congratulations and may you have a long, happy and healthy partnership together.
Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants
This program on The Smart Divorce radio show with Deborah Moskovitch features Elliott Katz, author of seven nonfiction books. Elliott teaches the principles he shares in his book: Being a Strong Man a Woman Wants
After the end of a relationship, Elliott sought to learn about being a man in a relationship. He found books on marriage and relationships said little to him. He found powerful timeless insights in the lessons that fathers and other older male role models taught younger men. People started seeking his advice and would say, “Why didn’t someone tell me this before?”
Moving beyond the trendy ideas about a man’s role – that just don’t seem to work – Elliott shares insights on being a man that have withstood the test of time. Interestingly, these insights are the traits that he heard many women complain were lacking in men today – showing leadership, making decisions and taking responsibility.
Topics in this program include:
- Why are women so frustrated with today’s men?
- How does growing up without strong male role models affect men today?
- The lack of “quality” men is a common complaint from women today. What happened to today’s men?
- Does today’s strong woman today want a strong man?
- What are the traits of a strong man?
Tune in and listen to what Elliott has to share
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/being-the-strong-man-a-woman-wants/
What September means for divorce
Deborah Moskovitch offers helpful tips for assisting your children through divorce while starting the new school year.
Hello September, so long spouse
ZOSIA BIELSKI
From Friday’s Globe and Mail
September is the cruellest month for students, but not for divorce lawyers, as the dusky end of summer brings a swell of clients to their offices each year.
“Fall is back to business time,” said Julia Cornish, senior family lawyer of Sealy Cornish Coulthard. The Halifax firm sees two spikes a year – September and January, New Year’s resolution time.
“Because we all spent so many years in school, it’s a point in our lives when we’ve been conditioned that this is when we do something new,” Ms. Cornish said.
Her office sees double and sometimes triple the normal number of calls in September. These are from new clients, as well as those who had initiated the separation process in spring but let it languish over the summer months.
“People want to get moving,” said Greg Walen, family lawyer with Scharfstein Gibbings Walen Fisher in Saskatoon.
“They’re back to work, they’re back from summer holidays and they’re back in town from the lake.”
According to Statistics Canada, the country saw 70,226 divorces in 2008, a number that’s held fairly steady since 2001. While there’s no official exit poll in September, Canadian divorce lawyers seem to agree: the calls come thick and fast this month.
Dinyar Marzban, senior family lawyer with Jenkins Marzban Logan in Vancouver, said empty nests motivate the September divorce spike.
“Fall comes around and children go to school. The category of people who rightly or wrongly hung in there for the children, maybe the last one’s gone away to university in September. There’s a fair amount of that, people waiting till the last kid’s out of the house.”
He points out that this brand of waiting game is usually reserved for couples who experience a “general dissatisfaction” in their marriages, not the cutthroat betrayals that prompt high conflict, low patience splits.
Many couples will have stewed for months or years before making the September phone call: “I don’t think people’s marriages break down then. It’s just that they start phoning lawyers then,” Mr. Marzban said.
For people waiting it out through a summer of family-filled days, “the dialogue they have with themselves is, ‘Can I hang in, should I hang in?’ ” Ms. Cornish said.
“It’s the same thing as trying to get through Christmas: Let’s get through this. Unless something catastrophic happens, nobody decides on Christmas Eve, ‘Some time today I need to go see a divorce lawyer.’ What they say is, ‘I’m thinking this probably can’t go on much longer. I’m going to get through Christmas and then come January, it’s time to make a change.’ ”
Of course, there are regional differences. Wendy Best, family lawyer with Dunphy Best Blocksom in Calgary, says that while city lawyers do see a jump in September, the real surge comes after July’s Stampede.
“We think it’s because everyone’s out Stampeding having a grand old time drinking non-stop starting at 7 in the morning. There’s all these stupid, ridiculous sayings like, ‘It ain’t cheating, it’s Stampeding.’ And the other person’s going, ‘Thanks, I’m done with you.’ ”
Stampede aside, several factors make summer an unpopular time for initiating a divorce.
“It’s not a lot of fun spending a beautiful summer day in your lawyer’s office,” Ms. Cornish points out.
Mr. Marzban sees it as seasonal lethargy: “People tend not to do anything in the summer. Summer, everybody powers down a bit.”
Another more tangible reason would be that all-inclusive getaway you splurged on together.
“Do you want to spring that on your partner before you go on the two-week holiday you’ve planned and saved for?” Ms. Cornish posits.
She adds that for those itching to split, summer also offers little in the way of momentum.
“It’s frustrating if you are trying to get things done, only to hear that your spouse is on vacation for the next two weeks, and then their lawyer’s on vacation for the next couple of weeks and then your lawyer’s on vacation. Typically courts have a much quieter schedule in the summer as well.”
At the same time, Ms. Cornish suggests summer can be the only time left in the year for reflection, a pause that can then spark the September phone call.
“It’s an opportunity to step back from the daily grind, figure out what’s working and what’s not in your life.”
How to help kids cope
The Smart Divorce author Deborah Moskovitch offers some basic back-to-school help for parents who have decided to separate in September.
Get thee to the principal’s office
To avoid awkward moments between your child and a teacher unaware of the new family dynamics, try to eke out a moment with a principal or vice-principal, who can relay the news. “They know how to handle it with their teachers,” said Ms. Moskovitch, adding that this is crucial if pick-ups are being handled by a parent unfamiliar to staff. “Parents often change the guard at school, rather than going to the other parent’s home to pick up the children. This way, the teachers are aware of what’s happening if they see another parent they’re not used to seeing.”
Get on the school list
If you weren’t the parent manning the school e-mail list, get your own account now, Ms. Moskovitch said. “Make sure that you get report cards mailed to you – register your second address. If there are field trips, you can put your name on the list to be one of the parenting guides. It shows the kids that you care and want to be involved.”
Homework for all
Moving out doesn’t exempt a parent from helping the kids with their homework, especially if they’re particularly strong in a subject. “If you were married, the kids would come home from school, have snacks and maybe some playtime and then they would do their homework.” Recreate that discipline at your place.
Pass notes
“A lot of parents use a journal that goes into the kids’ backpack as a tool to communicate with each other. It goes back and forth and they send notes about doctors’ appointments and assignments at school,” Ms. Moskovitch said.
Be flexible with visits
Between mountains of homework and extracurricular events, your children’s dance cards will fill up fast. Wednesday night pizza may not always be an option; try a lunch on the weekend or during the week if the school allows children leaving the grounds. “The parent can’t take it as a negative if the kids are busy with their friends doing school projects or hockey. They have to be creative in how they spend time with their kids, whether that’s driving [them] to the activities or having a quick dinner.”
Have the talk – most parents don’t
Ms. Moskovitch urges parents to speak with their children about the separation and anticipate their questions: Where they will live and go to school? “You need to give them a sense of security. If they’re already going to start the school year with a heavy heart because they don’t know what’s going on, at least you can try to minimize the confusion by having that conversation.”
To read this article in The Globe and Mail, and other articles by Zosia Bielski click on the link below:
Saving marriages and divorce reform
Tune in to The Smart Divorce to learn more about the proposed legislation for The Coalition for Divorce Reform.
Our guest, Chris Gersten (http://www.divorcereform.info), is a former high ranking official in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, serving in both Bush administrations. He was responsible for launching the Federal government’s Healthy Marriage Initiative, creating a national organization to reform divorce laws in the U.S. and educate the public about the impact of divorce.
The result is the launch of the Coalition for Divorce Reform, formed in order to increase awareness of the negative impact of divorce, encourage discussion and debate about the effect of divorce on our culture, and support passage of divorce reform legislation.
Topics in this program include:
• How the Coalition for Divorce Reform is trying to make a difference
• Why marriage counseling does not work; education and alternatives
• The importance of marriage education and the potential to save marriage
• The importance of a waiting period before filing for divorce
• Understanding relationships, the impact of divorce and so much more
Click on the link to hear this informative interview:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/saving-marriages-and-divorce-reform/
Grey Divorce is on the Rise
Recent statistics show that the divorce rate has increased significantly by couples who have been in long term marriages of 20, 30 years or more. Just look at Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Tipper and Al Gore. People seem to be scratching their heads asking, if these couples have made their marriage work this long, why couldn’t they last “till death do us part”.
The result isn’t really all that shocking when you consider the reasons why couples marry have changed over the past 50 years, and that divorce has become more socially acceptable. What men and women are looking for in a spouse and their expectations of a long term relationship has changed. Women wanted someone to take care of them, men wanted to be in a position of power. Today, as more women become financially independent, looking to be taken care of is no longer what many are seeking. Rather, both women and men want an equal partnership in the relationship, and a best friend.
I was interviewed on Canada AM this morning discussing Grey Divorce. This is the information I shared.
- Research shows us that more woman are leaving the marriage than men.
- Often times when women choose to leave, their husband’s are blindsided by the decision.
- Further, research tells us that more women are leaving for their own emotional well-being, while men are more likely to leave for someone else.
- We are living longer, healthier, fitter lives. When adult children leave home, and their parents become empty nesters, you have many spouses in their 50’s and 60’s looking at their partner and say to themselves – “I don’t want to spend the next 20 or 30 years or more with you.” Why?
- People have decided to no longer look the other way when there are issues of infidelity, emotional abuse, and substance or alcohol abuse.
- Many couples have drifted apart during the child rearing years, and once the children have left home, find they no longer have anything in common.
- Often times, many of these couples were living parallel lives during the marriage, and now want a partner, not a roommate.
- There has been a lack of emotional and intimate relations.
- People have grown apart and their values no longer mesh.
- Many of these individuals want a best friend and companion with similar interests and values to live out the rest of their lives; grow old and hold hands.
If you feel your marriage, or relationship is deteriorating because you are no longer the priority, have lost that loving feeling and still love your partner – you’re just not in love with him or her, then perhaps marriage counseling might put you back on track.
If you feel that divorce is the only option, you are not alone. Many others are deciding that the” good enough marriage” is no longer good enough.
The anatomy of an affair
Tune into The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio, to hear our guest Emily Brown explore affairs, and share her research and wisdom.
Our guest, Emily Brown, is Director of Key Bridge Therapy & Mediation Center in Arlington, VA. (http://www.affairs-help.com/); works with couples, individuals, and families regarding the underlying issues in marriage, divorce, and betrayal. An extramarital affair is one of the most painful experiences that couples face, and one of the greatest challenges for helping professionals. Whether you are seeking assistance in your personal life or you are professional seeking information to better help clients, this is the show that provides the wisdom and guidance so many need. Emily is the author of Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment, and Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, and numerous articles on affairs.
Topics in this program include:
- An in-depth look at the 6 different Affairs
- How to rescue a marriage if there has been an Affair
- Affair recovery: the process and insight
- Debunking the myths and misconceptions about Affairs
- Rebuilding trust
- How to talk to your children about the Affair
To hear this informative interview, click on the link
Hear Deborah Moskovitch on maritalmediate.com
Did you know that the divorce rate rises with each subsequent marriage? You would think that once people come to terms with the relationship being over, and gained some insight into that ending, that they would be much smarter entering into another significant relationship…….but the divorce rate rises to staggering 67% and higher for subsequent marriages by these same individuals There are some common themes I hear about and mistakes I often see, when a significant relationship ends.
People all too often try to jump into another relationship before understanding what it is they really want or need to develop a healthy, long lasting relationship. For example, studies show that people frequently marry before they truly understand something as basic as their partner’s financial and economic value system, their partner’s view of fidelity, their partner’s aspirations and life goals. Whether it is fear of turning their partner off, fear of being rejected by their partner, fear of having to deal with information and realities that are unpleasant, or simple wishful thinking, taking the time to probe into these matters will promote the success of that relationship.
There are very important conversations and considerations a couple must explore. These questions are answered through my interviews with Marriagemediate.com
To hear these important messages, click on the links below.
Part 1: Important questions when entering into marriage
http://maritalmediation.com/2010/11/part-1-important-questions-when-entering-into-marriage/
Part 2: Save your marriage or leave it
http://maritalmediation.com/2010/11/part-2-save-your-marriage-or-leave-it/
Part 3: Advice on finding a mediator for marriage
http://maritalmediation.com/2010/11/part-3-advice-on-finding-a-mediator-for-marriage/
Part 4: Marriage saved through mediation
http://maritalmediation.com/2010/11/part-4-marriage-saved-through-mediation/
Part 5: Can postnuptial agreements (postnups) be helpful?
http://maritalmediation.com/2010/11/part-5-can-postnuptial-agreements-postnups-be-helpful/
Please post your comments, I look forward to your thoughts.
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