This article first appeared on more.ca http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/when-your-ex-has-someone-new/a/18818

“How could I have been replaced so quickly!” my friend Beth wondered.

We were discussing her husband’s soon-to-be new wife; she felt shock and disbelief as to how he could find a new “serious” partner so soon after their divorce.

Our ex-spouses’ new partners was the focus of discussion one afternoon with my friends and I, while keeping Beth company. Her children were out — at their father’s (and Beth’s ex-husband’s) wedding.

While none of us were jealous or angry about our ex’s new partners, we all certainly had different feelings about the matter.

Mary, the introspective one in the group, had a very objective opinion. She was happy for her ex’s new union and actually felt “lucky.” Her reasons were practical: “I didn’t think that my ex could handle the kids on his own, his girlfriend is a nice person and is good to the kids.”

To read the whole article and view comments click on the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/moving-on-when-your-ex-ha_b_1010219.html

Is it possible to embrace the feeling of aloneness and actually do something positive about it? You bet it is.

At the beginning of their separation or divorce, many people often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the “fifth wheel bug”. Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch — but the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a couple’s world — a Noah’s Ark society — is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before.

I not only hear about the loneliness frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I was newly separated. Not every couple excludes the single person, but there are lots who do. There are many reasons why the single person is left out, so don’t take it personally. It is easier to fit four or six around a table than three or five. Balanced, even.

To read my full article that appeared in The Huffington Post click on the link below

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/home-alone-coping-with-th_b_970022.html

Letting go of a spouse’s transgressions isn’t easy. Here are 5 ways to move on.

By:

Deborah Moskovitch

Forgiveness and letting go are topics that often arise in my divorce consulting practice. The individuals who were “wronged” either through betrayal, shattered promises, or a whole host of other reasons want an apology. Many feel that having a sense that justice has been done will ease the emotional trauma. But, the truth is, an apology or restitution is unlikely to happen. Even when apologies happen, offended parties tend to perceive them as less complete and sincere than they ought to be.

I hear:

“He had an affair, he was wrong, and I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness.”

“He promised we would spend the rest of our lives together, and now he’s leaving? I hate him; he deserves nothing!”

And the extreme, “I’m going to cut his !@#$ off, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, only to be in pain for the rest of his life – just like Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband.”

To read the full article click on the link

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/how-you-can-forgive-your-ex-husband/a/35594

For this article and more, click on

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/6-divorce-advice-tips/a/34568

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/deborah-moskovitch-midlife-divorce-advice-for-women/a/1909

Below please find an excerpt from More magazine about three women who are remapping the road to Splitsville, and helping others along the way.

The doyennes of divorce

Take Toronto’s Deborah Moskovitch, 51, whose book, The Smart Divorce, was published in 2007 after her own disastrous seven-year-long divorce. While writing the book, she began to get phone calls from friends, relatives, even strangers asking her for advice. “That’s when I realized there was a need for people to understand the divorce process itself,” she says.

In response, the mother of three launched a divorce consulting business in 2006. In addition to word-of-mouth referrals, her main marketing tools have been a website and strategically cultivated media contacts. Before long, she’d become a go-to girl on divorce for the media (she has appeared in the Globe and Mail, on the television program Money Maze and on more.ca, to name a few). That high profile has provided her with a steady stream of clients.

Guiding people through divorce

Moskovitch isn’t a marriage counsellor or a lawyer; her background is in marketing. But her seminars and consulting sessions aim to guide people through the tough choices — from deciding on a process and a lawyer to staying sane and handling parenting. Moskovitch keeps a roster of mental health professionals, parenting experts and lawyers so she can offer referrals as needed. But mainly she guides her clients, keeping their bottom line in mind. Among her pearls of wisdom: “You have to recognize you’re not going to get revenge in court — you’re going to get legal bills.”

Moskovitch has recently hooked up with large companies and government organizations to offer divorce workshops and private consultations to employees. Her book is now in its second printing — in part because the experts she interviewed for it often buy it in bulk and sell or give it to clients — and she has two more in the works. “Am I really rich? No,” says Moskovitch. “But it’s evolving. I’ve recently realized my dream to have a radio talk show about helping people deal with a life reconfigured by divorce.”

To view the full article, click on the link below

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/the-doyennes-of-divorce/a/35287/2

Can your parents divorce be the cause of your own divorce?

Shannon*, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her “aha” moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce.  She married her husband because he “completed” her – masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love.

It wasn’t until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents’ divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5.

While the lack of a relationship with a parent can have a significant impact on romantic relationships for a child later in life, there is a debate amongst researchers on this topic. Some say, these individuals are affected for life. Others feel that with work, an individual can learn to come to terms with it, heal and develop rich and successful romantic partnerships.

To read the rest of the article, and learn some helpful and strategies for healing and acceptance, click on the link

http://www.more.ca/relationships/midlife-divorce-blame-it-on-your-parents/a/33856

doesn’t mean you have to go in.

I have had several individuals in my divorce consulting practice tell me that their spouse declared they were gay. They felt alone – but this is not a rare event. While Canadian figures are not available, conservative estimates indicate that roughly two million lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) individuals in the United States have married someone of the opposite sex. When these partners come out of the closet, one third of these relationships break up right away, a third stay together for a year and then separate, and another third commit to making it work – although three years later, only half of this last group of relationships are still intact.

Please click on the click to read more and a reality check:

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/out-of-the-closet-support-for-the-straight-spouse/a/31850

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women. I’ve written many articles for this site. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life

Getting through these issues and feelings, and effectively coping can take anywhere from 3 – 6 years to properly heal. Statistics indicate that it takes one year of healing for every five years of marriage. And, once this process takes place, for many, there is a realization that their partner really did marry them out of love, and not to hide in a closet — they fully intended to make it work. So, while these couples cannot be lovers, perhaps they can still be good friends.

There are many myths and misconceptions about the outcome of divorce will be postdivorce.  People often have incorrect visions about how their  life is going to unfold – with their former partner, their children, dating, and the all too common thought “the grass is greener on the other side.”

Please click on the link for a reality check:

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-myths-debunked/a/30888/2

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women.  If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

People need to process what the separation means to them on an emotional level; to consider the marriage/relationship in terms of what was good, what was not so good, and how they may have contributed; and, who they are and want to become, as individuals, separate from the relationship.  It does one good to become conscious of lessons learned from the old relationship, or else risk a replay of the dynamics in subsequent relationships.

for blending your families

Did you know that the divorce rate rises with each subsequent marriage?  The divorce rate rises over 60% with a 2^nd marriage and skyrockets to over 70% with a third time marriage.  One of the contributing factors to the lack of a successful partnership is avoiding the discussion about merging two families together.

Please click on the click to read more about tips and strategies as to how to connect two new families. http://www.more.ca/relationships/family-and-friends/remarriage-avoid-the-blended-family-breakdown/a/29507

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women.  If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

But the bottom line is what ever you call it—a step family, blended family, combined family—it’s a newly reconfigured family unit. It takes time to bring this new family together, and it takes effort—just remember to resolve conflict, demonstrate love and find the fun.

1. Think of it as marriage/divorce insurance.  You want the marriage to work, but if it doesn’t you’ve protected yourself.
2. The blended family dilemma.  You want your children to support your new marriage; however you want them to feel protected as well.
3. What if you die? Without sounding morbid, it is a consideration……how you want your assets to be divided between your new partner and your children.

There are many other obvious considerations. A recent article in Canadian Business answers this very important question:

I’m about to get married for the second time. How do I ensure that my children and my new wife won’t ever have to duke it out over my estate after I’m gone?

Mapping out a prenup – Canadian Business Magazine