This children’s book about a child coming to terms with divorce, manages to be both comforting and authentic at the same time.  Its message is simple and sincere:  Divorce doesn’t have to lead to a dysfunctional family.  It can lead to a healthy “different-functional” family where children know that they are worthy and loved – in spite of their parents’ decision to separate.

Written by divorced mom Lori Hilliard to help her own children, Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family is a welcome change from the traditional offerings for children coping with divorce.  This book can serve as a valuable resource for divorcing parents with young children and extended family.  There are no talking teddy bears or make-believe characters glossing over the reality of divorce.  This simple true story, told through the eyes of Hilliard’s five year old son, assures children that they are still part of a family that loves them.  The author felt it was important to feature a real child’s face, so that other children could relate to the story in a genuine way.  The book includes a section for parents to add photographs meaningful to their children, as well as a place to write down their own commitment to their children.  These thoughtful “extras” reinforce to children that their parents love for them is not diminished by divorce, and that life in a “different-functional” family can be a happy one.

The book is currently available on Amazon.com and at www.aspenwoodpublishing.com.

The author’s personal story has been featured on CNN.com

Also, here’s an article which appeared on the Maria Shriver’s First Lady of California, Women’s Conference website:

http://www.californiawomen.org/just-who-will-i-be/

Children need to be provided with the understanding that, although their parents live in two separate homes, they are still a family.  While the family might have some differences than one with both parents living together, this family is still the same in many ways – they are loved by both parents, they play and have fun like all children, and these children feel good about themselves – all very important messages.

Now is the time to evaluate what you would like your life to like, and to develop strategies to get there. If you were the primary caregiver and stayed at home with your children during your marriage, perhaps you need to go to work but haven’t been in the workforce for a number of years. You could consider going to a vocational coach to help you make the transition. Perhaps you can afford to continue not working, but will this still be fulfilling? You can volunteer or pursue other interests. After all, your children may no longer be with you every day or weekend. The challenge is to rebuild your life to achieve a new kind of happiness. You just have to want to change and believe that it can be accomplished.

Visualize your life being different, and live your life as you envision it. Don’t wait to do the things that you promise yourself you will do when you feel better. Start doing those things now, and happiness will follow. If you wait until you are happier to do those things, you will be waiting a long time.

Please click on the click to read more about tips and strategies as to how to develop your postdivorce identity.

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/after-divorce-happier-stronger-you/a/21185

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women.

I don’t want to sugarcoat things. There are times when life postdivorce is difficult, sad, and lonely. You might still be experiencing a sense of loss, a setback in terms of self-esteem, or shame at no longer being part of a couple. But there are many single people living very rewarding lives. Again, try to reframe the situation and reflect on the life you actually had when you were married. I have heard people say that although they may have been blindsided by their divorce, when they really think about their marriage they realize that they were not fulfilled. If you are having difficulty postdivorce, this is when you really need to work hard to regain a positive outlook and work toward self-acceptance. Talking to a therapist, having a strong support network, or just asking yourself many questions about your life’s goals can lead you to an evaluation of where you are headed and how to get there.

Love yourself before you can love others

INSTALLING LOVE

Tech Support: Yes, … how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
LOVE. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What
do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located
your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is
it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge, and
Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from
your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory
but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually
override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-
Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly
installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is
that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the
upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error -
Program not run on external components.” What should I do?
Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set up
to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile
is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So LOVE is installed and
running. One more thing before we hang up. LOVE is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Feeling at peace with singledom when your

ex has a new partner

The emotional tide experienced through divorce doesn’t always end when your divorce becomes final. Just as you are moving forward, feeling positive, you’re faced with a new reality……..your ex has a new partner. Although you may or may not have a new relationships too, sometimes new emotions or old wounds surface.

Evaluating what you need to do to achieve happiness and hope in a new relationship requires thought, evaluation and introspection. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.

http://more.ca/relationships/single-life/when-your-ex-has-someone-new/a/18818

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

I noticed in the early days of divorce, that if you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.

Give your self the opportunity to explore and

consciously make choices about the

life you want to lead.

Here are the top 5 things you need to think about so that you can achieve control and avoid the pitfalls which can undermine you after divorce.

1. Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
2. Will you have to move? If you do, think positive, perhaps this will give you a fresh start and way to begin life postdivorce – creating your better life.
3. Will you have to go back to work? If you have been out of the workforce for a while, consider retraining and look for opportunities which you are passionate about. What have you always wanted to do? Perhaps now is the time to break out and try something different. If you don’t need to work, consider volunteer work and/or pursuing some new interests and hobbies.
4. Develop your support network of new friends, family, clergy, a therapist or support groups.
5. Do what you can to have a positive outlook. By feeling good about yourself, you will be a better parent. Putting your children’s best interest first should be your first objective. Finding a way to manage your emotions privately, giving your children a sense of security and love will go a long way to help your children adjust though the divorce.

What happens when you can’t see beyond this stage of divorce and the possibility of ever finding happiness? You will be undermining yourself and unable to move forward. If you focus on the hurt you lose perspective; you lose a sense of the larger picture and how this new life can take shape. You need to develop a sense of purpose for yourself.

Don’t make the mistake of surrendering to your divorce by thinking, “It’s the end of life.” It may be the end of life as you know it, but the truth is you could actually develop a better life if you work at it!

Unlike Lesley Gore, who recorded the song, It’s My Party – about the lead character’s birthday party which did not turn out to be the happy occasion she thought it would be she cried, cried, cried. Why turn your birthday or any celebration into a reason for tears.

Celebrate the fact that you made it through another year. Don’t wait for someone to make it special for you, make it special for yourself

• Throw your own party; celebrate with your children, friends or extended family.
• That adventure you were thinking about, go a head, give yourself permission to finally do it.
• Buy yourself something really fabulous.
• Find a way to enjoy yourself and make a special effort to create your own happiness and joy.

I was determined to make my 45^th birthday extraordinary. It looked to me as if all my friends celebrated their birthday by being whisked away by their partner to some marvelous destination or received a fancy bauble with major bling. Wanting to jump aboard that birthday express, I decided to create my own marvelous adventure. Not having someone special in my life, I felt special anyhow and whisked myself away on an unforgettable journey. I decided to mix my love of adventure with a passion for good food and pampering.

For six months prior to my birthday I sweated away twice a week spinning at the gym, preparing myself for the most delicious trip. I signed on for a bike trip which rode through the Napa and Sonoma Valley, called a solo adventure – not a singles trip, not for the lonely, a tour for those that were traveling on their own — incredible, that was perfect. Spas, great wines, beautiful vineyards, fine food and biking, how much more ideal could it be?!! It seems like a dream now, how I found the nerve to think out of the box and do something on my own – but, I enjoyed the ride of my life. It was an unbelievable experience, story and adventure.

I recommend celebrating your birthday

by realizing your dreams.

Achieving your goals and living out your dreams that is the best gift you can give yourself. It’s life affirming, just what you need to celebrate your birthday.

Today, I make my birthday special by throwing my own little birthday party celebrating with my children. I take them to an event that I know we will all enjoy (ok, maybe I’m selfish this one time and I enjoy it the most), we go to the theatre, a new restaurant; I’m always trying something new. But, I have two rules which they have to abide by, 1 – they can’t complain and 2- they have to make me a birthday card. It’s an adventure for us all and a new experience for them. If I’m lucky enough to have a few extra dollars, I buy myself something special too, a pair of earrings, bracelet or a massage.

I’ve come a long way baby and I’m worth it.

from DivorceHQ.com

Here is another Children’s Bill of Rights which I came across and should help divorcing parents think about what the best interests of the children really mean and other ideas to accomplish this.

We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.

1. The right not to be asked to “choose sides” or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
2. The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
3. The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
4. The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
5. The right not to be a messenger.
6. The right to express my feelings.
7. The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
8. The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
9. The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
10. The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
11. The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
12. The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well being.
13. The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
14. The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
15. The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
16. The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

Please realize that this is NOT law, anywhere. The “Children’s’ Bill of Rights” is not legally enforceable, but rather suggestions made to keep the best interest of the child a priority.

What Happy Divorcées Know

Why is it that some people can move on happy, while others walk around bitter and angry many years postdivorce?

It’s not necessarily the decisions you make, but how you

learn to live with them

There is one thing for certain and that is, there is no looking back. All I and everyone around me wants, is to be “happy”. What does happiness really mean, and how do we realize this goal? What I’ve learned is that life is a journey. It is a rocky road full of bends and bumps and lots of uncertainty. But, if you allow it to be so, it can be exciting, frustrating, sad, lonely, enjoyable, adventurous and fulfilling. The challenge is to make the choices that lead us to this place of “happiness” while enjoying the ride life offers.

Waiting for Perfection

If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll be waiting forever. Just the other day, someone sent me an email with a picture of four skeletons sitting around a table playing cards……were these unhappy people waiting for something or someone to come into their lives to make them happy? Were they waiting for that perfect time for their happiness to arrive? This picture, made me realize that if you wait, you’ll be waiting forever. Any result that is truly worthwhile needs to be worked at.

Is the ever searching answer for

happiness really possible?

Can people actually be single post divorce and be happy? If they are then how do they achieve this reality? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets? Just follow these few simple steps and poof a new you, easily transformed while you sleep. Ha! Not likely. Maybe you think that the illusive goal of happiness only exists when you find that perfect mate; your knight in shining armor, or damsel in distress. Well, you’re single and that image you had of “happily ever after” needs to be reworked. It is possible; it’s just not the cliché.

Life postdivorce is a journey

into the unknown

Not realizing at the time, I had embarked on an adventure with some mysterious destination yet to be determined. I opened myself up to many new experiences and opportunities and on the way I have become a very different person. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today, with the person I was while married or even while I was in my 20’s. I’ve changed. I now have straight hair when I had curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. In reality though, the changes have become significantly more than just physical.

This much I can say for sure; I had to do something when I realized that life would pass me by if I just waited for that perfect mate. Not growing, my life could be summed up in a five minute conversation!

I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children, an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. How did I gain such a rich life? I certainly did not have this when I separated. It was with a lot of hard work and desire to be happy.

Tips on Becoming a Happy Divorcée

As the “title of this piece suggests” according to happy divorcee, co-author Cathy Greenberg, an expert on the new science of happiness, AND co-author of the “What Happy Know Brands, LLC book series, happiness can be found in all aspects of our lives. Both good and not so good.

While researching my next book on divorce I came across “What Happy Women Know” and was fortunate to speak with co-author and behavioral scientist Cathy L. Greenberg, Ph.D. who shared this wisdom from her own “experience” with divorce that we can all use for achieving happiness postdivorce:

With every ending comes a new beginning but often our culture does not provide the “rituals” we need to close one door as we open another. We know how to celebrate birth, engagements, marriage and even death. Too often however, we are not familiar with how to deal with “less than positive” outcomes like divorce. I always look for the opportunity in everything. A divorce can bring new freedom to examine your life, a new job, or to learn new things. Divorce can help you understand what to do differently in the future and how to build on your strengths rather than focus on weaknesses. The secret is to think positive and stay out of the “negative looping” our brains are famous for. When I went through my own divorce I learned that I could count on myself because I focused on the “positive” about me. My strength was not only important for my wellbeing but for my daughter as well. I knew that the memory of my divorce would be painful, but the resilience I had as I looked at the future was infallible. I always had me, my gifts and my abilities to count on no matter what. I always look back at my divorce as an opportunity to learn more about the best in me.

For more tips on the science of happiness and becoming a happy divorcee check out these books:

What Happy Women Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Change Women’s Lives for the Better by Dan Baker, Cathy Greenberg, and Ina Yalof

What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better by Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth

Families.  Single parent households, blended families, same-sex families, cohabitating families…….there are, I know, many other reconfigurations that I haven’t even mentioned.  When you’re divorced and single suddenly the words family day take on new meaning. 

What if you’re divorced with no children, and perhaps no extended family in your life to share the day – does that mean you can’t celebrate? I suggest, reach out to your friends who have become your extended family.  Let them know how special they are to you.  Think about what family means to you and start building important bonds and relationships that you hope can be long lasting. 

If you have become estranged or alienated from your family and children use this time to reflect and try to understand what went wrong.  Perhaps this can be the day when you start mending those broken relationships.  The ending of a relationship between a parent and a child is probably one of the most painful experiences to ever happen.

To be estranged is a breakdown of the bond between a parent and the child and a distance between the two occurs.  For what ever reason, there was something that caused the loving relationship to turn into one of apathy or hostility.  Even worse, is parent alienation, which is a form of mental abuse.

“The most heinous situation in child custody disputes is called pathological alienation or parent alienation syndrome (PAS). In this scenario, one parent becomes obsessed with destroying a child’s relationship with the other parent when there is no good reason to do so. Alienation can be mild, moderate, or severe….. The children’s will and choice are removed from them through a form of brainwashing. This is a serious form of child abuse, because if it isn’t stopped, the children are headed for psychiatric disturbances, failed relationships, and dysfunctional lives in which they will pass this behavior on to their own children.”

The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, July, 2007)

What do you do to overcome these devastating scenarios?  Dr. Robert A. Simon, a clinical and forensic psychologist in California suggests: 

“Parental Alienation Syndrome, though a very real phenomenon, is something that I believe has become rather “trendy” these days. One of the things I’ve come to understand about PAS is that even when a parent deliberately sets out to alienate the children from the other parent that the other parent often behaves in ways so as to “confirm” the alienation. In terms of re-establishing a relationship with your children, it is vital that you look carefully at yourself and at what you are doing or have done that may play into the hands of the children’s other parent.. Otherwise, no matter what the courts do, the children will still struggle in their relationship with you”. 

“My suggestion is that you consult with a qualified, experienced family law specialist who has worked with issues of alienation before and that you also hire a family law forensic psychologist to consult with you and the attorney on the matter. “

I also suggest that you work with a parenting expert, psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker to help understand the dynamics and guide you to put the relationship right.  If you are dealing with a painful experience and having a difficult time rebuilding the relationship, you should still try to work with one of these professionals because you are most likely dealing with your own emotional turmoil that needs healing.

For a gut wrenching story on the disastrous effects of PAS I urge you to read A Kidnapped Mind: A Mother’s Heartbreaking Story of Parental Alienation, by Pamela Richardson.  A Kidnapped Mind is a heartrending and mesmerizing story of a Canadian mother’s exile from and reunion with her child, through grief and beyond, to peace.

I would also like to refer you to the links at the side of this blog, there are some helpful sites to research these topics as well. 

What I hope that you will take away from reading this post is how important it is for children to have a healthy relationship with both parents.  Of course, if one parent is abusive either physically or emotionally, that is not what I am referring to.  I am talking about a loving, healthy relationship where children are not used as pawns and both parents take their responsibilities seriously meaning emotional, financial and ensure their basic needs met. 

If you are contributing to the breakdown of the relationship or your child’s other parent is, please reflect and consider the long term effects on your child and help to start rebuilding those relationships today. 

If you are as fortunate as I am to have a healthy relationship with your children, then give them an extra hug today and tell them how much you love them.

Family day, parent child relationships and the meaning of family I’m sure for many is a hot topic.  I urge you to share your thoughts.  What are you doing to encourage a good relationship, overcome a painful relationship, or living with a strained relationship…….I would love to hear from you, please share your thoughts.

Managing a divorce is a process. You might be wondering if it’s really possible to get a smart divorce and move on to a better life? The answer is yes – with a lot of hard work. Divorce is probably one of the most emotional experiences you will ever face. The process can be overwhelming. But, it need not be, if you are able to make your decisions with focus, hope and confidence.

How to Make Smart Decisions About Divorce

Get informed about the divorce process. Take the time to find a divorce lawyer that is right for you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Make sure to understand the dispute resolutions negotiation, mediation, collaborative family law, arbitration, mediation/arbitration and litigation. As best you can, try to treat your divorce as a business transaction; keep the emotions of divorce out of your lawyer’s office. You’re in charge; make sure to understand all your options before making decisions. Information is knowledge and knowledge is power!

Staying Sane Throughout Divorce

Divorce has become so common today that people underestimate how powerful an experience it is. Understand that you are grieving your divorce, which is normal and to be expected. The fact is you are experiencing losses you probably never thought would happen. To help get you through this difficult time, develop your support network including friends, family, clergy, parenting groups, divorce groups, and/or a therapist. I promise you, you will feel better. As the saying goes – time is a healer!

Coping Strategies

The number-one coping strategy is to get yourself in a position of wanting very little from your ex-spouse. The less you want from him/her, the less frustrated you will be. Think about it – if you couldn’t change your ex when you were married, you certainly aren’t going to change him/her now. Also, realize you will never get the apology you want and may even deserve. Taking control of your life, getting organized and making informed decisions will be empowering.

Moving On

You need to give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead post divorce. Envision what you would like life to like to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there. Don’t procrastinate! It’s up to you to make these things happen. Your goal should be to create a better life today than the one you had before.

Your New Found Time

You will likely have to get used to the fact that your children are not going to be with you 24/7. They will be spending part of their time with your ex and part with you. You can’t control what goes on when your kids are with their other parent. Learn to let go and don’t worry about the stuff you can’t control. Use the time when your kids are not with you productively. Pursue your dreams and your interests. Maybe now you will even have the time to see a movie or go to the gym. So, go to your closet and clean out the emotional demons, put on your favorite jeans and t-shirt or great new outfit and make plans for a fabulous evening. Just go out and have fun!