Posts filed under ‘healing post divorce; moving on’

How to Help Your Friend During Divorce

I was recently interviewed by Jen Kirsch at Canadian Living Magazine about being a friend – to a friend during divorce.  This is what we discussed:

How to help friends going through a divorce or breakup

By Jen Kirsch

You don’t always have to know the right thing to say — just being a good friend who’s there is often enough.
Nothing is as heartbreaking as watching someone you really care about experience divorce or the breakup of a long-term relationship. These are life-altering events, and they almost always result in the person going through a messy grieving process in order to pick up the pieces and move on. Of course you want to be a good, reliable friend, but what exactly does that entail?We asked Deborah Moskovitch, a divorce consultant and educator and author of the book The Smart Divorce(Chicago Review Press, 2007), to share her tips on helping a friend weather the divorce storm.1. If you didn’t like her ex, keep it to yourself 
People can make off-the-cuff remarks that can be really hurtful. For instance: “I never liked him in the first place,” or “You’re better off without that loser,” says Moskovitch. “These comments can trigger your friend’s own insecurities, and make her feel ashamed for being with her ex.”If you bad-mouth her ex, your friend may internalize your comments and think they reflect on her. You could be doing more harm than good, so avoid using put-downs or confessing how you really feel about her ex. “With time, the divorced couple may become amicable and you’ll have said things that can’t be unsaid,” Moskovitch reminds us.
To view the full article and see all 5 tips, click on the link
http://www.canadianliving.com/relationships/friends_and_social_life/how_to_help_friends_going_through_a_divorce_or_breakup.php

January 13, 2012 at 10:32 pm Leave a comment

Finding Your Bliss After Divorce

For those residing in the Toronto area..Stay tuned this Wednesday, November 23rd at 7 pm for “FINDING YOUR BLISS AFTER DIVORCE” On ROGERS TV (Channel 10 in Toronto, 63 in Scarborough) Great show, with amazing prizes, giveaways and excellent guests, coaches and authors who are here to coach you on life after divorce. Please give us a call at 416-446-7090. The first two callers win great prizes including 4 CD’s from The Smart Divorce ToolKit and and a half hour one-on-one complimentary consultation with Divorce author and consultant Deborah Moskovitch!

November 22, 2011 at 4:12 am Leave a comment

How You Can Divorce With Focus, Hope and Confidence

The Smart Divorce® Resource ToolKit

Get Through Your Divorce While Saving Time, Money – and Your Sanity!

The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit is designed specifically to meet your needs — to help reduce stress, educate and inform you about the divorce process in a cost-effective, easy to understand way. Guidance and information from leading family law lawyers, mental health professionals, and parenting experts well versed on the needs of those in the divorce process are included.  And, it’s put together in one smart package, making it uncomplicated, and effortless to understand.  This program has also  been endorsed by the foremost  Judges, Lawyers and Mental Health Professionals. And, this ToolKit was praised by Justice Harvey Brownstone on his popular TV show Family Matters http://www.familymatterstv.com/why-families-matter and http://www.familymatterstv.com/how-to-be-smart-about-divorce

Move Through Your Divorce with Focus, Hope and Confidence 

The Smart Divorce Audios

These unique and informative CDs provide tips and strategies to help navigate this difficult time, educate listeners about the divorce process and provide practical information on getting through it with focus, hope and confidence.

  • Audio 1 – The Emotional Divorce
  • Audio 2– The Legal Divorce
  • Audio 3 – Smart Co-Parenting: Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First
  • Audio 4 – Rebuilding Your Life Post Divorce

Smart Guides

Tip sheets that guide you through divorce specifics, covering a myriad of helpful topics – empower yourself with information and knowledge.

Smart Guides:

  • Planning for a Smart Divorce
  • Getting Your Finances Organized for Divorce
  • Coping with the Stress of the Emotional Divorce
  • How to Increase Your Ability to Cope When Divorcing
  • Understanding Your Divorce Options
  • Finding a Good Divorce Lawyer
  • Smart Co-Parenting
  • Living Separate and Apart
  • Strengthening the Blended Family Bonds
  • Divorce Financial Check List
  • Understanding Marital Property Laws
  • Important Financial Steps Required to Prepare for Divorce
What people are saying:
Having purchased this great resource and after looking at the materials and listening to the CD’s I told Deborah that I thought that she has grossly under priced this great resource.The Divorce Resource Toolkit has not heard the last of me as I intend to incorporate it into the divorce education materials that I offer my clients. In my opinion, all divorce and child custody professionals should consider doing the same.
Lawyer Michael Mastrassi, Baltimore, Maryland
The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit provided me with helpful information and tools to begin my divorce confidently.
S.D., San Francisco, California
Deborah made the process much easier to understand.  I would recommend that anyone going through divorce listen to the CDs and read the Smart Guides – they really helped me.
K.B.  Ottawa, Ontario
Listening to the CD’s now, not even half way through …..and WOW there is powerful information and some really good stuff.  So much of what you say I tell my clients and people at my seminars all the time. … It really follows the collaborative way of thought when dealing with the emotional divorce.
Lawyer Nicolle Kopping-Pavars, Markham Ontario
 I have reviewed some of the Smart Guides and am impressed by the helpful information that is provided!  These strike me as a wonderful resource for people going through the process of divorce.
Associate Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College Mark Rye, Saratoga Springs, New York
Don’t delay, order your ToolKit today

For more information or to place an order, call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of

The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit.

 For as little as $64.99  you will have the information and knowledge you need to have a Smart Divorce

November 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm Leave a comment

How Divorce Can Be Empowering

I share with More magazine online (more.ca) my most personal journey through divorce…..the purpose is to inspire and empower the reader with focus, hope and confidence.

There’s a story I often share in the hopes that it inspires and empowers others. I call it: Reframing your thoughts to create the best life yet. It’s about how my engagement ring changed from a symbol of love as a couple to love of myself. I know what you’re thinking: This sounds cliché, and this divorce consultantand educator is just one more flake trying to sell swampland in Florida.

A week after my youngest child was born I learned some devastating facts about my marriage which were about to turn my world upside down. But, fifteen years later my world is not only sunny-side up but also a whole lot different — very fulfilling. I’m living out my dreams.

I’ll never forget the day a week after my third child was born. I tried to buy diapers for my son and my credit card was declined, yet again. The humiliation I felt when I approached my car empty handed, while my parents and baby were waiting for me, was devastating. There is usually a breaking point that causes people to make difficult decisions. And that episode was to be the start of mine. It was the low point that began my catalyst for change.

I believed in the sanctity of marriage in good and bad times. I grew up fairly sheltered, with tunnel vision and naiveté. The “D” word never existed in my vocabulary and I was determined to stay married. I made my life about my children. But all that unraveled that fateful day my diaper purchase was declined – the day I realized that the trust, communication and honesty were gone from my marriage.

To read the full article, click on the link: http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/how-your-divorce-can-be-empowering/a/37626

October 26, 2011 at 6:33 pm Leave a comment

How to be Smart About Divorce on Family Matters TV

I am both proud an honoured to be a guest on Family Matters with Justice Brownstone.   This is by far one of my most informative  and personal interviews; Justice Brownstone digs deep as I share my  research and lessons learned so that anyone can have The Smart Divorce.  He also delves into my own divorce journey,  so that viewers are empowered with information and knowledge.  Tune  in tonight, October 4, at 10:30pm on CHCH TV.

If you are interested in learning more about The Smart Divorce Resource ToolKit ,which Justice Brownstone speaks so highly of, please email info@thesmartdivorce.com for more information.

October 5, 2011 at 12:52 am 1 comment

Forgiveness: How to Let Go

The Power of Forgiveness

The forgiveness journey – how to make it happen

Our guest, Mark Rye is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College. Mark’s research interests are in the field of positive psychology. He has studied the impact of forgiveness on post-divorce adjustment and has developed and evaluated interventions designed to help divorced individuals forgive their ex-spouse.  Recently, he has become interested in how forgiveness of an ex-spouse relates to parenting approach.

In this informative and thought provoking interview we discuss what is forgiveness, and how to achieve it – so that angry thoughts do not hold you back from moving on.  We explore how forgiveness is a journey and how your thoughts, feelings and behavior can transform you.

This is a very powerful and forgiving program! If you have any questions about this topic, please email Mark Rye at mrye@skidmore.edu

More information and resources may also be found at the Fetzer Institute http://www.fetzer.org/resources

  • Topics in this program include:
  • Strategies for letting go of your anger
  • What is forgiveness
  • Understanding the forgiveness journey
  • What does research show about the relationship between forgiveness of an ex-spouse and post-divorce adjustment?
  • Forgiveness interventions
  • What are some of the unique challenges that divorced individuals face with respect to forgiveness?
To listen in to this informative interview, click on the link below:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/the-power-of-forgivness/

October 1, 2011 at 7:46 pm Leave a comment

Home Alone? Coping With The Post-Divorce Blues

“It’s the weekend and once again, I am dreading the feeling of being alone.” I hear this sentiment expressed all too often from many divorcées — be it at the beginning of their separation, or from those that have been divorced for years.

Is it possible to embrace the feeling of aloneness and actually do something positive about it? You bet it is.

At the beginning of their separation or divorce, many people often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the “fifth wheel bug”. Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch — but the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a couple’s world — a Noah’s Ark society — is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before.

I not only hear about the loneliness frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I was newly separated. Not every couple excludes the single person, but there are lots who do. There are many reasons why the single person is left out, so don’t take it personally. It is easier to fit four or six around a table than three or five. Balanced, even.

To read my full article that appeared in The Huffington Post click on the link below

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/home-alone-coping-with-th_b_970022.html

September 22, 2011 at 6:32 pm Leave a comment

Separation & Divorce: The ABC’s of helping your family cope with change

Please click on the link to listen to my conversation with Sara Dimerman, a therapist and parenting coach who interviewed me about The Smart Divorce.

Click here to listen

Over the course of this seminar you will learn more about:

  • The normal range of mixed emotion you will experience after the separation.
  • The most common mistakes that parents unintentionally make with their children after the separation.
  • The most important factors to keep in mind in order for your children to be least affected by the changes to your family.
  • The best ways to respond to your children’s most common questions such as “will daddy ever come live with us again?” and “do you still love mommy?”
  • How to cope with the changes to your social life: what’s there to do when you’re feeling lonely on a Saturday night.
  • The domino effect: how to deal with friends and family who are feeling the impact of the changes too.
  • When, where and how to introduce your children to a new partner.
  • Resources and supports available to you.
To hear other topics and interviews by Sara Dimerman, click on the link http://www.helpmesara.com/seminars/

August 30, 2011 at 2:53 pm Leave a comment

How to Find the Smarter, Sexier You Post-Divorce

As I began to rebuild my life post-divorce, I slowly realized that I had embarked on an adventure to some mysterious destination, yet to be determined. I was evolving from what I once was, as part of a couple, to being single, and the transition was fraught with both fear and excitement.

I felt awkward when I turned up at social events unescorted. I would laugh and pretend to be happy. But when people asked me about life and work, I could sum up a whole year in five minutes. If I threw in the details of my divorce, well, that could have lasted five hours. But that would have been a good way to isolate myself even further, as very few people want to discuss divorce at a party. I knew I was a good mother, a person with lots of interests, a loyal friend. But I felt different, rattling around in society with nothing to ground me in the events I was a part of.

I soon realized that I had choices, and it was up to me to build a good life post-divorce. I could choose to be a victim, or choose to move on. By opening myself up to new experiences, and being open minded, I learned that divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grown from. Life is certainly different as a single woman in my fifties than it was when I was single in my twenties. I now have a sense of who I am. Responsibilities and worries that I never thought about are now a reality. I am much more mature, realistic, and comfortable with where I am in life. Introspection, and a desire to heal emotionally helped me to achieve this perspective. I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children and an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. I certainly did not have such a rich life when I separated. I gained it through a lot of hard work and a desire to be content and happy.

I now embrace my life with open arms. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today with who I was during and even before my marriage. I now have long, straight hair, when before I had short, curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. I’ve changed. The changes are more than just physical, however. I have had so much more life experience. Not only am I learning to settle into the new me, but my parents, siblings and friends have had to adapt too. They find it interesting to relate to this newly reflective, assertive, smart, sensitive, and, dare I say, sexy woman.

As I reflect back, there were a number of things I did that helped me work through this transformation; strategies that helped me to get where I am today.

Here are the five things that can help you find the smarter, sexier me:

Move outside your comfort zone. Try new activities; get out there and socialize. You are not going to meet people by sitting at home alone.

Pursue your interests and passion. Connect with people who share the same hobbies and positive outlook. Do you want to become a runner, a potter, a great cook? Weave these activities into your life, and learning -you’ll marvel at how your life is changing and becoming more fun.

Work on your inner beauty. Feeling good about yourself and who you’ve become, will attract people into your life who have a similar positive outlook and energy

Include your married friends into your activities. Let them see the new you, and what you have to offer — an interesting, stronger, happier and independent person.

Be your own role model. Strive to become the type of person you admire. Make a list of the attributes you most respect, and do what you need to get there.

Above all, it’s important for you to think of yourself not just as a newly single person, or parent, but as someone who is so much more. A worker, a friend, a volunteer there are so many roles that you can play. You need to weave these other roles into your definition of yourself.

You know, I find most people’s perspective on divorce and how a divorcée should feel to be interesting. Many people have said to me, “Oh, you’re divorced; I’m sorry.” And my response has always been, “Don’t be sorry; I’m happy.” Living happily ever after–it’s not just my experience. I know many others who have achieved the same goal.
Copyright ©2011 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.

Originally published on The Huffington Post

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-to-find-the-smarter-s_b_893458.html

July 13, 2011 at 3:21 am Leave a comment

Is Your Home Broken?

I wrote this article for The Huffington Post.  It really touched a nerve with readers as it encouraged a significant number of comments, even to my email account.  Please feel free to join in, and submit your comments to this blog.

Thank you,

Deborah

My home is run down, but it’s not broken…

The legal community and researchers often define divorce matters in technical terms: custodial parent, custody, access, primary residence, amongst others. I understand the reasons behind those terms, which help to describe and label the concepts in the legal arena to eliminate confusion. But a term that is often used, and in my mind, has little rationale, is “broken home.” In today’s society, there are so many different configurations of a “family” unit. But, when it comes to defining a family run by a single parent as “broken,” I wonder, where is the break? Perhaps I’m sensitive, but I don’t consider my children to be growing up in a “broken home.” When I talk to my children, we call ourselves a family, without any negative connotations, because that is what we are.

Many of my divorce consulting clients are so full of fear that their kids will be stigmatized because of their divorce, and worried that people will whisper behind their backs, “those children come from a broken home.” So I help them reframe their thinking and encourage them to banish those thoughts by sharing details about my own home as an example. We look at the physical and emotional aspects of my home.

The cabinet door in my kitchen has fallen off the hinge, the hot water tank just burst, the fridge door won’t close properly and, I need a new roof. Yes, my home is in need of physical repair, but it certainly does not need emotional repair–and there is nothing that can’t be fixed.

You wouldn’t believe how this way of thinking resonates with so many.

The reality is, we should not compare ourselves to more “traditional” families with two parents living at home. Divorce may change a family’s structure, but it’s still a family. All families–so-called “traditional” families and the rest of us–have challenges, no matter how our living arrangements are configured.

If you are able to change your perspective of what “family” is, your children’s outlook will be positive as well. As a parent, our challenge is to make life work for our kids. We need to ensure they don’t perceive themselves as disadvantaged or as “children of divorce.” They need to think of themselves as just regular kids.

I feel confident as a single parent. I may be a bit more frazzled than someone in a home with two parents living there, but that’s because of the practical everyday exigencies of life with three active children (and who really knows what goes on behind closed doors? Just because there are two parents, does that always mean both parents share all the responsibilities? Don’t compare!) When I glimpse into families with two parents living at home, my home often appears to be working wonderfully well.

Despite an incredible amount of multitasking and juggling, I’ve had to find creative ways to meet my children’s needs, which seem to converge at the same time, like having to be in two places at the same time. But, while I do it all on my own and don’t have a partner to share the responsibility, I find ways to make it work: carpooling, encouraging a child’s independence by walking or riding a bike to their activity. And, I can’t shirk my own responsibilities –I run a business, manage my personal affairs, and make time for “me.” So while I might be a bit more stressed, my children are growing up in a healthy and loving environment.

It’s a well known fact that effective parenting is paramount, especially when parents are separated; the need to maintain routine, structure and rules should be non negotiable no matter if there are one or two parents living at home. I have house rules, set curfews (although I have been a bit lax at times), my children must get their homework done, and I’m always there to kiss them goodnight and listen to their worries.

If you still consider a divorced family to be “broken” then think about a few things:

How about a family where both parents are living together, but constantly fighting?

Or, a family where both parents live together but one parent is never at home? Always working, always away on weekends and never around for the kids.

What about blended families? Does blending suddenly unbreak “broken homes”?

What about the blended families where the culture is more like oil and water?

So, what do my kids think of our family? A happy and loving household, a close knit family unit, and a life full of hope and promise.
Copyright ©2011 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.

To read all the comments to this post, click on the link below.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/is-your-home-broken_b_888255.html

July 8, 2011 at 3:29 pm 3 comments

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