Posts filed under 'healing post divorce; moving on'

All alone for the holidays?

The Jewish High Holidays are just days away, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’m sure many are counting down the shopping days until Christmas. Celebrating holidays can be a stressful time when you’re divorced – but it doesn’t need to be.

I’ve written about this before, but I know it is top of mind for many, so I felt I should blog about it again. If you find yourself without your children or extended family at a time when you traditionally celebrated with them, it can be a sad and lonely experience without them now.

Here’s a little reminder of what I have previously posted and tips to get you though.

Who says you have to celebrate those days the traditional route or the way you celebrated when you were married? If you find yourself alone, create new meaning for these celebrations and enjoy them on your own terms. Here are some tips to get you through these celebrations.

  • Create new traditions. If the old traditions are too painful to follow, let them go. Instead of trying to re-create the past, create your own positive future.

  • Throw your own party and invite friends or family who have nowhere to go during this time.

  • Make a special effort to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Don’t try drowning your sorrows with alcohol or food.  Doing anything to excess when you are sad or worried is rarely a smart move.

  • Be good to yourself. Go for a manicure or massage, buy a great CD, catch up on your favorite hobby. Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend or family member.

  • If you are feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, speak with a trusted friend, therapist or someone in your support group.

  • Plan ahead. If it looks like you’re going to be spending the time on your own, find an interesting activity or a place to travel so you can be with other people.

  • Surround yourself with people, whether from your support network, your family, your church or synagogue. You may even be able to attend a special support group holiday function.

  • Contemplate how you would like your life to look like post-divorce and write down what you need to do to get there. Start doing one of those things now.

  • Stay in control by making lists of what you need to do and checking each item off as you accomplish it.

  • Use any time alone to do the things you’ve been putting off — catching up on paperwork; catching up on sleep; reading the great book that’s been sitting unopened for weeks or months; calling the friend you’ve been meaning to reconnect with.

  • If putting on a dinner or party in the family home doesn’t feel right, try doing something for others off site. For example, you could visit a retirement home and read to those whose families can’t be with them during the holidays.

  • Continue to make the holidays special for your children. Include them in developing new traditions. Ask them how they would like to celebrate.

  • Plan ahead how your children are going to spend the holidays. Avoid the stress of figuring things out last minute. This will give you a sense of comfort, relief and control.

  • Be creative and flexible. If your children are not celebrating the holidays with you, think about making another day during holiday time a special day together.

  • If your children are going to be with their other parent, phone them and wish them a happy holiday. Let them know that you are thinking about them.

  • Don’t make your children feel that they have to take care of you during this special time. Send them the message that the holidays are a special time and you want them to enjoy themselves.

  • Spare the occasional good thought for your ex.  Your marriage likely had some good moments. Remembering those times occasionally will help you lift yourself out of your bitterness about your current situation.

Wishing everyone good health, happiness and prosperity; peace and love.


Add comment September 22, 2008

5 steps to post divorce happiness

Achieving happiness postdivorce is possible. But, like most things in life with a positive outcome, it requires hard work. There are things that you can do as you move through the divorce process to prepare and enable you to move forward with focus, hope and confidence; upon closing your divorce file.

Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to accomplish postdivorce happiness. 5-steps-to-post-divorce-happiness-more-magazine-12

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on - postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

Life is like a book: some chapters are more difficult to get through than others. When I started living on my own again, I thought about how the new chapters of my own life were going to be written. I began to ask myself many questions. Can people actually be single and happy postdivorce? If they can, how do they achieve this? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets–just follow these few simple steps and, poof, a new you, easily transformed while you sleep? Or can you only reach that elusive goal of happiness when you find that perfect mate–your knight in shining armor or damsel in distress?

Think about how you would like your life to look like postdivorce and start doing some of those things now. You have choices and control. It’s up to you as to how this new chapter in your life is going to be written.


2 comments July 21, 2008

All alone on a Saturday night?

Feeling like the fifth wheel?

Many people at the beginning of their separation or divorce often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the fifth wheel bug. Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch but, the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a Noah’s Ark society – a couple’s world, is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before. It’s not that you are not welcome as a friend, it’s that you are no longer part of a couple.

I not only hear about this situation frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I first separated. Now, not every couple excludes the single person, but there are many who do. I’ve learned that this situation occurs mostly because of discomfort. It is easier to fit four or six around a table then three or five. Balanced, even. What you need to understand is that this not about you, it’s about the way your friends feel about your situation. It’s not that your friends are afraid of you fraternizing with their husband or wife, it’s that they are used to socializing with you as a couple or they feel uncomfortable being confronted with divorce.

We all know how emotional divorce can be. And, because of your turmoil and grieving it can also take over how you express yourself in a social setting. So imagine then, a couple(s) going out for dinner on a Saturday night, wanting to keep the evening conversation light and easy. While I’m sure many of your friends are extremely supportive, the last thing this couple wants to hear after a long week of work and their own stress is your anger, bitterness or sadness.

So, what do you do about this to build your confidence and life and deal with this situation?

  • Make new single friends –ask your friends if they know of someone single to introduce you to, not for a romantic relationship but friendship.
  • Go to a therapist – venting about this situation to friends will only alienate you from your friends.
  • Build your support network – support groups, clergy, friends, therapist, and so on.
  • Go to lectures or programs which are of interest. You can find many things to enjoy advertised in the paper or at your synagogue or church.
  • Start doing things outside of your comfort level for entertainment; enjoy a movie on your own, go to the bookstore, enjoy an exhibit at a museum or art gallery. This can make you a more interesting person with experiences to share and have fun in the process.
  • Recognize that this is going to happen. Don’t take it personally.

Add comment July 7, 2008

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