Posts filed under ‘Happiness’
How to deal when friends take sides in a split
My latest post in the Huffington Post, which first appeared on more.ca
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/divorces-collateral-damag_b_904553.html
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-s-collateral-damage/a/19942/2
Divorce’s Collateral Damage
“I need to stand by my brother; we can’t be friends any more.”
This is a moment Ashley had with her friend–and soon to be ex-sister-in-law. A bond nourished for over 23 years was broken. There were tears and hugs, but the closure was hard to accept. Why does divorce lead to this kind of moment over and over?
When some people are faced with a friend or family member who is going through divorce, it just seems easier not to have to take sides. For others, the relationship is severed because it was never really all that important. And there are people that try to maintain a relationship with both, and continue the link with grace.
Of course it’s not all just tears and hugs: Charlotte, who has been divorced for 5 years, told me she was relieved not to have to fake being nice to certain relatives and friends any more. But for others like Ashley, there can be a deep sadness at the loss of these relationships. Some individuals also experience an identity loss, as they are no longer welcome in certain social circles, invited to parties or know where to sit at their child’s soccer game.
How to get through
Jan Schloss, a social worker, certified parenting coach and family mediator, often discusses with her clients the issues related to the loss of these relationships.
There are different ways to look at it, says Schloss. These are loyalty issues, where many privately consider, “Who am I going to side with, and how can I be friends with both?”
One of the suggestions she makes to clients when confronting the loss is to “redefine who you are and how you would like to be in this new phase of your life.” And for those that think there may be a possibility of maintaining a relationship, Schloss says, “Remember, you are not divorcing your in-laws or extended family that you loved and felt clearly connected.”
There might be potential to continue that connection, but prepare yourself emotionally if you can’t.
Here are the top 5 things to consider when coming to terms with the loss of these relationship
You don’t have to grin and bear it alone
Seek the help of a professional to help you cope with grieving the loss of these relationships.
Find strength from other relationships
Divorce is a process; accept that there will be losses. Maintaining a positive outlook will help you stay strong and develop other fulfilling relationships.
Redefine who you are
Ask yourself, “Who am I?” and “What do I want out of life?” Shed the notion that you need to define yourself by who you were when married.
Eliminate negativity
Consistently taking about the loss of these relationships will drive people away; it means you have not moved on. Speaking negatively to your children about their extended family will make them feel that they are betraying you if they have a relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and you don’t want your children to feel like they have to keep secrets from you.
Put your children’s best interest first
If your children have had a positive and loving relationship with extended family and friends, it is important to keep up the connections because good relationships impact on how the children feel about themselves.
For some, divorce can feel like the beginning of a Cold War, with tension between two factions: your side and his. Divorce not only represents the uncoupling of a partnership, but can also result in the loss of other relationships, which were important to you while married. As the saying goes, time heals. Gradually, you will come to accept these losses and no longer feel the void.
This article first appeared on More.ca
How to Find the Smarter, Sexier You Post-Divorce
As I began to rebuild my life post-divorce, I slowly realized that I had embarked on an adventure to some mysterious destination, yet to be determined. I was evolving from what I once was, as part of a couple, to being single, and the transition was fraught with both fear and excitement.
I felt awkward when I turned up at social events unescorted. I would laugh and pretend to be happy. But when people asked me about life and work, I could sum up a whole year in five minutes. If I threw in the details of my divorce, well, that could have lasted five hours. But that would have been a good way to isolate myself even further, as very few people want to discuss divorce at a party. I knew I was a good mother, a person with lots of interests, a loyal friend. But I felt different, rattling around in society with nothing to ground me in the events I was a part of.
I soon realized that I had choices, and it was up to me to build a good life post-divorce. I could choose to be a victim, or choose to move on. By opening myself up to new experiences, and being open minded, I learned that divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grown from. Life is certainly different as a single woman in my fifties than it was when I was single in my twenties. I now have a sense of who I am. Responsibilities and worries that I never thought about are now a reality. I am much more mature, realistic, and comfortable with where I am in life. Introspection, and a desire to heal emotionally helped me to achieve this perspective. I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children and an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. I certainly did not have such a rich life when I separated. I gained it through a lot of hard work and a desire to be content and happy.
I now embrace my life with open arms. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today with who I was during and even before my marriage. I now have long, straight hair, when before I had short, curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. I’ve changed. The changes are more than just physical, however. I have had so much more life experience. Not only am I learning to settle into the new me, but my parents, siblings and friends have had to adapt too. They find it interesting to relate to this newly reflective, assertive, smart, sensitive, and, dare I say, sexy woman.
As I reflect back, there were a number of things I did that helped me work through this transformation; strategies that helped me to get where I am today.
Here are the five things that can help you find the smarter, sexier me:
Move outside your comfort zone. Try new activities; get out there and socialize. You are not going to meet people by sitting at home alone.
Pursue your interests and passion. Connect with people who share the same hobbies and positive outlook. Do you want to become a runner, a potter, a great cook? Weave these activities into your life, and learning -you’ll marvel at how your life is changing and becoming more fun.
Work on your inner beauty. Feeling good about yourself and who you’ve become, will attract people into your life who have a similar positive outlook and energy
Include your married friends into your activities. Let them see the new you, and what you have to offer — an interesting, stronger, happier and independent person.
Be your own role model. Strive to become the type of person you admire. Make a list of the attributes you most respect, and do what you need to get there.
Above all, it’s important for you to think of yourself not just as a newly single person, or parent, but as someone who is so much more. A worker, a friend, a volunteer there are so many roles that you can play. You need to weave these other roles into your definition of yourself.
You know, I find most people’s perspective on divorce and how a divorcée should feel to be interesting. Many people have said to me, “Oh, you’re divorced; I’m sorry.” And my response has always been, “Don’t be sorry; I’m happy.” Living happily ever after–it’s not just my experience. I know many others who have achieved the same goal.
Copyright ©2011 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.
Originally published on The Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-to-find-the-smarter-s_b_893458.html
How you can forgive your ex-spouse
Forgiveness and letting go are topics that often arise in my divorce consulting practice. The individuals who were “wronged” either through betrayal, shattered promises, or a whole host of other reasons want an apology. Many feel that having a sense that justice has been done will ease the emotional trauma. But, the truth is, an apology or restitution is unlikely to happen. Even when apologies happen, offended parties tend to perceive them as less complete and sincere than they ought to be.
I hear:
“He had an affair, he was wrong, and I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness.”
“He promised we would spend the rest of our lives together, and now he’s leaving? I hate him; he deserves nothing!”
And the extreme, “I’m going to cut his !@#$ off, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, only to be in pain for the rest of his life -just like Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband.”
To read the full article, click on the link
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-you-can-forgive-your-_b_870705.html
Getting through divorce while saving time, money – and your sanity.
Introducing The Smart® Divorce Resource Toolkit
The Smart Divorce® Resource Tool Kit is now available, order yours today– one easy phone call or email, to get this valuable resource. It’s one of the most comprehensive programs providing a full overview of the divorce process — and endorsed by judges, lawyers, and mental health professionals. The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit will help you make smart decisions for you and your family – taking you through the entire divorce process, removing the mystery and misconceptions about the outcomes of divorce, how to cut down on your legal bills and so much more.
This comprehensive resource provides an understanding of all aspects of the divorce process; helping you understand the two sides to your divorce – the “emotional divorce” and the “legal divorce”
Move through your divorce with focus, hope and confidence.
The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit makes the divorce process easy to understand, helping you to be strategic while making sound, smart decisions. After all, information is knowledge and knowledge is power.
Call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit.
Included in The Smart Divorce Toolkit are tips, strategies and ideas, packaged as never seen before. This smart toolkit comes with:
The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit is designed specifically to meet your needs — to help reduce stress, educate and inform you about the divorce process in a cost effective, easy to understand way. Guidance and information from leading family law lawyers, mental health professionals, and parenting experts well versed on the needs of those in the divorce process are included. And, it’s put together in one smart package, making it uncomplicated, and effortless to understand.
The Tool Kit contains 4 CDs covering the myriad of issues, concerns and questions most people have about divorce – removing the mystery, complexity, and confusion about divorce. Also included are Smart Guides which add another layer of detail to The Smart Divorce Audios, and provide a step by step plan for going through the divorce process.
The Smart Divorce Audios.
These unique and informative CDs provide tips and strategies to help navigate this difficult time, educate listeners about the divorce process and provide practical information on getting through it with focus, hope and confidence.
- Audio 1 – The Emotional Divorce
- Audio 2– The Legal Divorce
- Audio 3 – Smart Co-Parenting: Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First
- Audio 4 – Rebuilding Your Life Post Divorce
Smart Guides.
Tip sheets that support the information in the audios providing detail and understanding of the specific topic.
Smart Guides:
- Planning for a Smart Divorce
- Getting Your Finances Organized for Divorce
- Coping with the Stress of the Emotional Divorce
- Coping with Stress in a High Stress Environment
- Understanding Your Divorce Options
- Finding a Good Divorce Lawyer
- Smart Co-Parenting
- Living Separate and Apart
- Strengthening the Blended Family Bonds
- Divorce Financial Check List
- Understanding Marital Property Laws
- Important Financial Steps Required to Prepare for Divorce
Don’t delay, order your kit today
Call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit.
Grey divorce is on the rise — Huffington Post
Recent statistics show that the divorce rate has increased significantly amongst couples who have been in long term marriages of 20, 30 years or longer. Just look at Tipper and Al Gore, Kurt and Martha Schrader, Cameron Crowe and Nancy Wilson, Sumner Redstone and Phyllis Gloria Raphael, are some couples that spring to mind. People seem to be scratching their heads and asking, if these couples have made their marriage work this long, why couldn’t they last “till death do us part.
To read the full article in The Huffington Post, click on the link below:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/post_2054_b_865942.html
Grey Divorce is on the Rise
Recent statistics show that the divorce rate has increased significantly by couples who have been in long term marriages of 20, 30 years or more. Just look at Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Tipper and Al Gore. People seem to be scratching their heads asking, if these couples have made their marriage work this long, why couldn’t they last “till death do us part”.
The result isn’t really all that shocking when you consider the reasons why couples marry have changed over the past 50 years, and that divorce has become more socially acceptable. What men and women are looking for in a spouse and their expectations of a long term relationship has changed. Women wanted someone to take care of them, men wanted to be in a position of power. Today, as more women become financially independent, looking to be taken care of is no longer what many are seeking. Rather, both women and men want an equal partnership in the relationship, and a best friend.
I was interviewed on Canada AM this morning discussing Grey Divorce. This is the information I shared.
- Research shows us that more woman are leaving the marriage than men.
- Often times when women choose to leave, their husband’s are blindsided by the decision.
- Further, research tells us that more women are leaving for their own emotional well-being, while men are more likely to leave for someone else.
- We are living longer, healthier, fitter lives. When adult children leave home, and their parents become empty nesters, you have many spouses in their 50’s and 60’s looking at their partner and say to themselves – “I don’t want to spend the next 20 or 30 years or more with you.” Why?
- People have decided to no longer look the other way when there are issues of infidelity, emotional abuse, and substance or alcohol abuse.
- Many couples have drifted apart during the child rearing years, and once the children have left home, find they no longer have anything in common.
- Often times, many of these couples were living parallel lives during the marriage, and now want a partner, not a roommate.
- There has been a lack of emotional and intimate relations.
- People have grown apart and their values no longer mesh.
- Many of these individuals want a best friend and companion with similar interests and values to live out the rest of their lives; grow old and hold hands.
If you feel your marriage, or relationship is deteriorating because you are no longer the priority, have lost that loving feeling and still love your partner – you’re just not in love with him or her, then perhaps marriage counseling might put you back on track.
If you feel that divorce is the only option, you are not alone. Many others are deciding that the” good enough marriage” is no longer good enough.
Finding Happiness During Divorce
Finding Happiness During Divorce is the new program on The Smart Divorce with Deborah Moskovitch featuring Susan Pease Gadoua. Isn’t it time you find your happiness?
Our guest, Susan Pease Gadoua is the founder and Executive Director of the Transition Institute of Marin, specializing in meeting the needs of separating and divorcing men and women. We explore the importance of understanding your own needs, how to find your happiness, and the meaning of loving yourself. It’s an enlightening and engaging conversation, tune in to learn how to find the power of happiness.
- The meaning of happiness
- What it means to love yourself, to be open to loving and healthy relationships
- Preparing yourself emotionally for a great relationship
- Why people get stuck in relationship traps – and being with the same personality type
- Avoiding the relationship trap mistakes and downfalls
- The risk of a rebound relationship
Click here to liste:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/finding-happiness-during-divorce/
Six divorce advice tips
Going through a divorce can be tough in many ways. Here is some thoughtful advice to help get you through this chapter, and on to a brighter tomorrow.
Divorce advice
A divorce can take its toll on everyone involved. As you process the reality of what you and your family are actually going through, you might be left feeling mentally and emotionally drained, and quite alone in your experiences. But the truth is, you’re not, and you will get through it. Here are 6 great articles and tips with solid divorce advice to help you get through this difficult time
1. Surviving divorce at midlife
You’re going through a divorce and your life is about to change quite dramatically. One woman discusses how a surprise divorce gave her a new path in life.
2. Reclaim your space after divorce
So your ex has moved out – now what? One of the best ways to get through a divorce is to reclaim your own space. Check out our guide to moving your home from “we” to “me”.
3. 5 steps to post-divorce happiness
Your marriage may be over, but that doesn’t mean your life is. Expert tips on how to survive life post-divorce, and how to find your happiness again.
4. After divorce: Happier, stronger you
Identifying herself as a formerly married person didn’t work. But as a fabulous single woman…
5. Home alone: The post-divorce social scene
It may not be easy, but it is possible. This artlcle explores ways in which you can rebuild your social life after a divorce.
6. From dam to glam: Dating after divorce
The dating game has never been an easy one. And now that you’ve been there, done that, and are back again, how do you get back in? You will also find useful tips here to ensure you are putting your children’s best interests first.
- By: Simone Castello & More.ca
This article is original content on More.ca
You might also be interested in reading Canadian divorce consultant Deborah Moskovitch’s Midlife divorce advice for women. Are children of a divorce really doomed? Check out Divorce myths debunked to find out. Also, is it possible your parents are to be blamed for your midlife divorce?
- For this article and more, click on
- http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/6-divorce-advice-tips/a/34568
Finding your Authentic Self, Happiness and Moving On
A new show from The Smart Divorce has just been posted. Tune in to hear our guest Hanna McDonough.
Our guest, Hanna McDonough, is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Psychotherapist (www.hannatherapy.com). Ms. McDonough shares her wisdom on finding the best in yourself, and delves into relationships and what’s important – is it sex, money? And, what are the differences between men and women and they way each values a relationship. We explore the gamut in topics and – learn about living your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.
Topics in this program include:
- The value of a therapist: how to find a good therapist, when to stay and when to go
- Understanding a verbally abusive relationship
- Exploring transformative therapy
- How to keep your marriage HOT
- Putting children first
To listen to the podcast, click on the link
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/finding-your-authentic-self-happiness-and-moving-on/
Dating after divorce
Tune into the Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio to hear this very informative interview on dating after divorce with our guest Delaine Moore.
Divorced mother of three Delaine Moore is an author, NLP Practitioner, speaker, and Licensed Mars Venus Life Coach, who specializes in divorce, dating, relationships and gender differences. Since her own divorce in 2007, she has inspired thousands of divorced women to grab the next chapter of their lives by the horn and pursue passion on their own terms on her website, I Am Divorced Not Dead. Her memoir, A Woman’s Body Never Lies – which chronicles her wild, yet profound, ‘body-driven’ awakenings in the first after her divorce, was recently purchased by the feminist publisher, Seal Press, and is slated for release in Spring 2012.
Topics in the program include:
- When is the right time to begin dating after divorce?
- How not to make the same mistakes when seeking a new mate
- Internet dating services, are they a good idea?
- When to introduce your date to your children?
- key ingredients of a “keeper”
- Sex after divorce
- And much more
Click on the link to hear Delaine share her thoughts on dating post-divorce and how much fun it can be.
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