Posts filed under 'grieving'
Out of the closet: support for the straight spouse
Just because your spouse came out of the closet,
doesn’t mean you have to go in.
I have had several individuals in my divorce consulting practice tell me that their spouse declared they were gay. They felt alone – but this is not a rare event. While Canadian figures are not available, conservative estimates indicate that roughly two million lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) individuals in the United States have married someone of the opposite sex. When these partners come out of the closet, one third of these relationships break up right away, a third stay together for a year and then separate, and another third commit to making it work – although three years later, only half of this last group of relationships are still intact.
Please click on the click to read more and a reality check:
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women. I’ve written many articles for this site. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life
Getting through these issues and feelings, and effectively coping can take anywhere from 3 – 6 years to properly heal. Statistics indicate that it takes one year of healing for every five years of marriage. And, once this process takes place, for many, there is a realization that their partner really did marry them out of love, and not to hide in a closet — they fully intended to make it work. So, while these couples cannot be lovers, perhaps they can still be good friends.
Add comment August 22, 2010
Divorce’s collateral damage
Sometimes you don’t just lose your ex, you lose your
extended family and friends as well.
There are many “emotional” adjustments you have to make to build a positive life postdivorce. One of those is getting used to the fact that many friends and extended family you had while married, are no longer there for you once divorced.
Evaluating what you need to do, to let go of some of these once important relationships, requires coping strategies which will lead you towards achieving a smart divorce. Please click on the link to read more about tips and ideas as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-s-collateral-damage/a/19942
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Add comment January 29, 2009
When your ex has somone new
When you ex has someone new
Feeling at peace with singledom when your
ex has a new partner
The emotional tide experienced through divorce doesn’t always end when your divorce becomes final. Just as you are moving forward, feeling positive, you’re faced with a new reality……..your ex has a new partner. Although you may or may not have a new relationships too, sometimes new emotions or old wounds surface.
Evaluating what you need to do to achieve happiness and hope in a new relationship requires thought, evaluation and introspection. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.
http://more.ca/relationships/single-life/when-your-ex-has-someone-new/a/18818
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Add comment November 16, 2008
5 steps to post divorce happiness
Achieving happiness postdivorce is possible. But, like most things in life with a positive outcome, it requires hard work. There are things that you can do as you move through the divorce process to prepare and enable you to move forward with focus, hope and confidence; upon closing your divorce file.
Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to accomplish postdivorce happiness. 5-steps-to-post-divorce-happiness-more-magazine-12
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on – postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Life is like a book: some chapters are more difficult to get through than others. When I started living on my own again, I thought about how the new chapters of my own life were going to be written. I began to ask myself many questions. Can people actually be single and happy postdivorce? If they can, how do they achieve this? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets–just follow these few simple steps and, poof, a new you, easily transformed while you sleep? Or can you only reach that elusive goal of happiness when you find that perfect mate–your knight in shining armor or damsel in distress?
Think about how you would like your life to look like postdivorce and start doing some of those things now. You have choices and control. It’s up to you as to how this new chapter in your life is going to be written.
4 comments July 21, 2008
All alone on a Saturday night?
Feeling like the fifth wheel?
Many people at the beginning of their separation or divorce often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the fifth wheel bug. Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch but, the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a Noah’s Ark society – a couple’s world, is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before. It’s not that you are not welcome as a friend, it’s that you are no longer part of a couple.
I not only hear about this situation frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I first separated. Now, not every couple excludes the single person, but there are many who do. I’ve learned that this situation occurs mostly because of discomfort. It is easier to fit four or six around a table then three or five. Balanced, even. What you need to understand is that this not about you, it’s about the way your friends feel about your situation. It’s not that your friends are afraid of you fraternizing with their husband or wife, it’s that they are used to socializing with you as a couple or they feel uncomfortable being confronted with divorce.
We all know how emotional divorce can be. And, because of your turmoil and grieving it can also take over how you express yourself in a social setting. So imagine then, a couple(s) going out for dinner on a Saturday night, wanting to keep the evening conversation light and easy. While I’m sure many of your friends are extremely supportive, the last thing this couple wants to hear after a long week of work and their own stress is your anger, bitterness or sadness.
So, what do you do about this to build your confidence and life and deal with this situation?
- Make new single friends –ask your friends if they know of someone single to introduce you to, not for a romantic relationship but friendship.
- Go to a therapist – venting about this situation to friends will only alienate you from your friends.
- Build your support network – support groups, clergy, friends, therapist, and so on.
- Go to lectures or programs which are of interest. You can find many things to enjoy advertised in the paper or at your synagogue or church.
- Start doing things outside of your comfort level for entertainment; enjoy a movie on your own, go to the bookstore, enjoy an exhibit at a museum or art gallery. This can make you a more interesting person with experiences to share and have fun in the process.
- Recognize that this is going to happen. Don’t take it personally.
Add comment July 7, 2008
Keeping your sanity during the insanity
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce is a process with a colossal emotional component. If you’re not careful to deal with the emotions separately and outside of the legal process you are in danger of making decisions you will later come to regret.
The kaleidoscope of emotions
The emotions can be intense and vary from person to person. What you may be feeling is fear, anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shock, frustration and even relief. I remember, as I went through my divorce, wanting to desperately piece my world back together and wanted to numb the pain. But of course, I later came to realize that if you don’t deal with the pain of your emotions, somewhere later, the emotions will catch up to you and become your emotional baggage.
Divorce has become so common today that
people underestimate how powerful an
experience it truly is
People don’t know how to react to divorcing people. There are no rituals or customs associated with mourning the loss of a marriage. There are all sorts of customs associated with losing a loved one, but how do you mourn the loss of a marriage? Without saving cavalier or glib, there are some ideas which don’t sound so bad. I’m starting to hear of people developing their own little healing ceremonies by throwing divorce parties, sending out separation announcements, burying their wedding band, or running away going on a little exotic vacation and so on. But what you also need to do is recognize that you are grieving. Grief is not a mental disorder; it is a natural, if painful, emotion that needs to be worked through!
Managing the grief
Grief presents an opportunity to make important choices and think about the life you want to lead. There is an incredible amount of emotional work and healing that needs to be done when you’re grieving, especially during the first year of tow of going through a divorce and separation.
Ways to feel better
If you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Take charge
- Give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically.
- Emotionally: develop your support network of friends, family, clergy parenting groups, support groups and perhaps a therapist.
- Physically: Eat right and exercise. Try as hard as you can to lead a healthy “balanced” life.
- Make time for yourself – do something which makes you happy.
Add comment March 19, 2008
