Posts filed under 'Getting along'
It’s back to school: developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
- birthdates
- school schedules
- other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
- Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
- Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
- It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
- It’s up to you to take the initiative.
- Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
- Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
- Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:
- Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
- As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated)
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
2 comments August 24, 2009
Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family
All too often, parents worry, quite rightly, how their children are going to react to divorce. The book Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family, is a great read for parents to share with their younger children.
This children’s book about a child coming to terms with divorce, manages to be both comforting and authentic at the same time. Its message is simple and sincere: Divorce doesn’t have to lead to a dysfunctional family. It can lead to a healthy “different-functional” family where children know that they are worthy and loved – in spite of their parents’ decision to separate.
Written by divorced mom Lori Hilliard to help her own children, Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family is a welcome change from the traditional offerings for children coping with divorce. This book can serve as a valuable resource for divorcing parents with young children and extended family. There are no talking teddy bears or make-believe characters glossing over the reality of divorce. This simple true story, told through the eyes of Hilliard’s five year old son, assures children that they are still part of a family that loves them. The author felt it was important to feature a real child’s face, so that other children could relate to the story in a genuine way. The book includes a section for parents to add photographs meaningful to their children, as well as a place to write down their own commitment to their children. These thoughtful “extras” reinforce to children that their parents love for them is not diminished by divorce, and that life in a “different-functional” family can be a happy one.
The book is currently available on Amazon.com and at www.aspenwoodpublishing.com.
The author’s personal story has been featured on CNN.com
Also, here’s an article which appeared on the Maria Shriver’s First Lady of California, Women’s Conference website:
http://www.californiawomen.org/just-who-will-i-be/
Children need to be provided with the understanding that, although their parents live in two separate homes, they are still a family. While the family might have some differences than one with both parents living together, this family is still the same in many ways – they are loved by both parents, they play and have fun like all children, and these children feel good about themselves – all very important messages.
3 comments August 4, 2009
