Posts filed under ‘Getting along’
Smart tips for helping your children as they head back to school
It’s tough enough for kids to go back to school, and it’s even harder for the children of parents who are separated or divorcing. Kids may worry that their lives will change dramatically or that they will be forced to move away. Toss in the butterflies that come with a new school year, and your child may be more stressed than you realize.
Here are 5 key things parents can do make the transition back to school easier, when everything else about the family is in transition:
Talk to your child about what he/ she is feeling.Divorce can affect a child’s behavior, well-being and even academic achievement. Look for signs of depression, withdrawal, or behavior and other issues. And, be sure to talk to your child about what they’re feeling. There are resources available if you or your child need professional help (Catholic Services, Jewish Family & Child Services, Parents without Partners, Rainbows, Up to Parents, a therapist for you or your child).. Help your children overcome these symptoms, and get them the help they need.
Reassure your child you love him/her. . It is natural for a child to worry if he/she is loved or if he/she was somehow to blame for the divorce. Ensure your child knows he/she is not to blame–and that he/she is very loved.
Make time to answer his/her questions. Your child may have a ton of questions that he/she is dying to know. Set aside time for those questions, perhaps during or following your child’s favourite activity. You can always start the ball rolling if they are quiet: “If I were you, I’d want to know where I will be living….”
Try and maintain a normal after-school schedule. Just because your child’s home life is different doesn’t mean his school life has to be. Ensure he is participating in the activities he wants to, over worries about cutting into “mom’s time” or “dad’s time.” The goal is to put your child’s best interest first.
To read the rest of this article which appeared in The Huffington Post, click on the link:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/yeading-back-to-school-pu_b_929858.html
How to avoid blended family break ups
Blending families without thought are one of the most common reasons for marriages to fail. This article appeared on The Huffington Post and more.ca
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-to-avoid-the-blended-_b_917761.html
Do you remember The Brady Bunch? Mike Brady marries Carol Martin; they each bring into this second marriage three children (three boys, three girls), and this blended family of eight live happily ever after. And don’t forget Alice, the live-in housekeeper, keeping it all together and running smoothly. Little conflict, lots of love, and always fun.
But alas, that was the early 70s. It was a time of love, light and humanity. Four decades later, people still yearn for love, but we’ve become a fast food culture where decisions are made at lightening speed, and consequences are an afterthought.
Case in point: my friend Annie. Divorced for seven years and raising two children on her own, she was at a New Year’s dinner party when she met Gary, who had been divorced for three years with two children. Eleven months later, after an incredible whirlwind relationship, they were in the judges’ chambers exchanging wedding vows. Within 30 minutes a new family unit was formed. Sounds wonderful, but the Brady Bunch union it was not.
When Annie and Gary pledged to be together forever, a new family dynamic was thrust upon their children. The children now became step-siblings, barely knew each other, and were used to different households. This was not one big happy family; there was conflict, chaos and frustration. The children did not get along well, were used to different sets of house rules, study habits, and different monthly allowances.
Sandy Shuler, a social worker and certified Canadian family educator in Calgary (http://www.familylifeworks.ca), advises clients that when blending a family, the first thing they should do is not to have preconceived ideas and unrealistic expectations about what the family is going to look like.
“Every family is unique in terms of the way it looks and the way it operates. Expecting that there is going to be an instant connection and bonding situation when there are children involved can lead to disappointment and challenges,” Shuler says. “Just because the adults are thrilled about the idea of merging does not mean that the children are, so the adults need to go into the situation realistically with their eyes wide open.”
Shuler advises couples act proactively, and tackle issues before blending the family: “Prior to blending, go to a counselor and finding out what the likely hot spots are going to be.” (If money might be a hot spot – and it probably will be – here’s what to consider about blended family finances.)
New family relationships require time to form, making patience key. “It can take up to seven years for this new family to gel and bond, especially if the children are older,” Shuler says. Time, commitment and patience are required of all family members if the new family unit is to succeed; Shuler says, “For some families, the best outcome is simply a cooperative co-existence.”
Tips for successfully blending families
Help kids adapt to the new family configuration Children will belong to two households/families; they need guidance to adjust to different set of rules, expectations, and systems.
Bonding takes time Don’t expect children to love and adore each other or your new partner right away. In some cases, the best case scenario would be working towards courtesy and respect. Building caring relationships between children and their new step-parent/family is a process that requires time and patience.
Be open to discussion Creating opportunities for family discussions, problem-solving and negotiation helps children manage.
Prepare the family for a change Establishing new family patterns, rituals and traditions help children feel a sense of belonging and shared memories.
Understand the new relationship Clarifying roles, responsibilities and expectations in the blended family serves as a “road map” with strategies for building relationships and a solid framework for the family unit.
Develop a conflict resolution strategy Conflict is a part of all families. Combined families have more complex and diverse needs and emotions in dealing with conflict; a solid conflict resolution model helps to address these issues.
Demonstrate your love Children need reassurance that they are loved and are still a priority to their biological parent, as loyalty issues can arise.
Discipline your own, and step back for his children The general rule of thumb about discipline is that the biological parent is the one who guides the discipline for their own children when there are step-children living together. But within one household the rules need to be consistently applied for all children who live there–and there should not be two sets of rules.
Given that a high proportion of marriages end in divorce, a large number of people in their middle years again become available for marriage. It’s a no wonder that almost half of Canadian families are “blended” and more than 81% of these families have children from the current union.
But the bottom line is what ever you call it–a step family, blended family, combined family–it’s a newly reconfigured family unit. It takes time to bring this new family together, and it takes effort–just remember to resolve conflict, demonstrate love and find the fun.
This article first appeared on more.ca http://www.more.ca/relationships/family-and-friends/remarriage-avoid-the-blended-family-breakdown/a/29507/2
Grey Divorce is on the Rise
Recent statistics show that the divorce rate has increased significantly by couples who have been in long term marriages of 20, 30 years or more. Just look at Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Tipper and Al Gore. People seem to be scratching their heads asking, if these couples have made their marriage work this long, why couldn’t they last “till death do us part”.
The result isn’t really all that shocking when you consider the reasons why couples marry have changed over the past 50 years, and that divorce has become more socially acceptable. What men and women are looking for in a spouse and their expectations of a long term relationship has changed. Women wanted someone to take care of them, men wanted to be in a position of power. Today, as more women become financially independent, looking to be taken care of is no longer what many are seeking. Rather, both women and men want an equal partnership in the relationship, and a best friend.
I was interviewed on Canada AM this morning discussing Grey Divorce. This is the information I shared.
- Research shows us that more woman are leaving the marriage than men.
- Often times when women choose to leave, their husband’s are blindsided by the decision.
- Further, research tells us that more women are leaving for their own emotional well-being, while men are more likely to leave for someone else.
- We are living longer, healthier, fitter lives. When adult children leave home, and their parents become empty nesters, you have many spouses in their 50’s and 60’s looking at their partner and say to themselves – “I don’t want to spend the next 20 or 30 years or more with you.” Why?
- People have decided to no longer look the other way when there are issues of infidelity, emotional abuse, and substance or alcohol abuse.
- Many couples have drifted apart during the child rearing years, and once the children have left home, find they no longer have anything in common.
- Often times, many of these couples were living parallel lives during the marriage, and now want a partner, not a roommate.
- There has been a lack of emotional and intimate relations.
- People have grown apart and their values no longer mesh.
- Many of these individuals want a best friend and companion with similar interests and values to live out the rest of their lives; grow old and hold hands.
If you feel your marriage, or relationship is deteriorating because you are no longer the priority, have lost that loving feeling and still love your partner – you’re just not in love with him or her, then perhaps marriage counseling might put you back on track.
If you feel that divorce is the only option, you are not alone. Many others are deciding that the” good enough marriage” is no longer good enough.
Coping with the personality disordered spouse
Our guest, Emily Brown, is Director of Key Bridge Therapy & Mediation Center in Arlington, VA. (http://www.affairs-help.com/) works with couples, individuals, and families regarding the underlying issues in marriage, divorce, and betrayal. Battles over custody and related issues that are fueled by a personality disordered spouse can be the most frustrating of all wars. The judges regularly get conned by the personality disordered spouse who makes nice in front of the judge; the other spouse who is angry and upset appears to be the problem. Emily has worked with a number of these cases, trying to extricate the victimized spouse – and overcoming the frustration which many experience. Tough cases, but she likes the challenge.
Topics in this program include:
- Insight into personality disorder
- How to deal with a persistent blamer, and managing within the legal system
- How to help children when their parent is personality disordered
- Finding the help you need to cope
- The purpose of child custody evaluations with a personality disordered ex spouse.
Click on the link to hear the full interview
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/coping-with-the-personality-disordered-ex-spouse/
Divorcing with Good Karma
Tune into the Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio to hear this very informative interview with Judge Michele Lowrance.
Positive. Life-enhancing. Enlightening. Compassionate. These words are seldom associated with divorce. Words that typically come to mind are: Painful. Agonizing. Resentful. Bitter. Our guest, domestic relations judge and best selling author Judge Michele Lowrance enlightens listeners how people can attain a positive outlook, achieve forgiveness, and move on with a mended soul (http://thegoodkarmadivorce.com/). Judge Lowrance has learned that there’s a better way to handle divorce. So she came up with a plan to turn the negatives of divorce into positives. She explains the program in her book, The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On with the Rest of Your Life.
Topics in this program include:
- On court: An understanding what the court system can and cannot do – it can’t rescue you, but perhaps it can encourage forgiveness.
- On children: Ordinary parenting is not enough; parents need to adopt wisdom building skills for heroic parenting. Justice Lowrance asks: “What is more important for you to be right, or for your children to be happy?”
- On forgiveness: In the beginning, you won’t be ready to forgive. At this stage it is fine to let your emotions steep and give them room to breathe. Treat them like a flu that has to run its course. There is a necessary gestation period between anger and forgiveness.
- Creating your soul searching party: developing your Personal Manifesto
- The crucial things you have to know about having the “divorce conversation” with your soon to be former partner.
Click on the link to hear Judge Michele Lowrance explain what a good Karma Divorce is
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/divorcing-with-good-karma/
It’s back to school: developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
- birthdates
- school schedules
- other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
- Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
- Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
- It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
- It’s up to you to take the initiative.
- Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
- Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
- Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:
- Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
- As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated)
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family
All too often, parents worry, quite rightly, how their children are going to react to divorce. The book Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family, is a great read for parents to share with their younger children.
This children’s book about a child coming to terms with divorce, manages to be both comforting and authentic at the same time. Its message is simple and sincere: Divorce doesn’t have to lead to a dysfunctional family. It can lead to a healthy “different-functional” family where children know that they are worthy and loved – in spite of their parents’ decision to separate.
Written by divorced mom Lori Hilliard to help her own children, Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family is a welcome change from the traditional offerings for children coping with divorce. This book can serve as a valuable resource for divorcing parents with young children and extended family. There are no talking teddy bears or make-believe characters glossing over the reality of divorce. This simple true story, told through the eyes of Hilliard’s five year old son, assures children that they are still part of a family that loves them. The author felt it was important to feature a real child’s face, so that other children could relate to the story in a genuine way. The book includes a section for parents to add photographs meaningful to their children, as well as a place to write down their own commitment to their children. These thoughtful “extras” reinforce to children that their parents love for them is not diminished by divorce, and that life in a “different-functional” family can be a happy one.
The book is currently available on Amazon.com and at www.aspenwoodpublishing.com.
The author’s personal story has been featured on CNN.com
Also, here’s an article which appeared on the Maria Shriver’s First Lady of California, Women’s Conference website:
http://www.californiawomen.org/just-who-will-i-be/
Children need to be provided with the understanding that, although their parents live in two separate homes, they are still a family. While the family might have some differences than one with both parents living together, this family is still the same in many ways – they are loved by both parents, they play and have fun like all children, and these children feel good about themselves – all very important messages.
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