Children often have difficulty with a divorced parent’s first move into the dating world. Many children, no matter how old, fantasize about mommy and daddy getting back together and becoming part of one big happy family again. While deep down your children know fantasy will likely not become a reality, moving on to the next chapter of your life requires balance and sensitivity.

When Barbara Steinman* first started dating again, she found “dating was exciting and took up a lot of time. I didn’t have balance in my life. I was going out a lot and then realized I had to pull back and spend more time at home with my kids.”

Steinman says she also felt self-conscious, wondering what other people would think of her.

“After being married for so many years I hadn’t thought of myself in terms of being appealing to men in a relationship or sexual sense, rather than as friends.”

To read the whole article, click on the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/getting-into-the-post-div_b_1010925.html

I have been fortunate that my message not only continues to be endorsed, but promoted by so many professionals in the divorce arena.  They further assist with my divorce education on the many aspects of the divorce process — on topics from putting your children’s best interest first to finances, from managing your emotions to rebuilding your life post-divorce and so much more.  And, they provide a forum for me to share this learning.

My role model for taking risks and being a trailblazer in the divorce arena is Justice Harvey Brownstone. Justice Brownstone is an outspoken Judge who speaks passionately about divorce, families and the impact on society without hesitation. Educating the public about divorce, and other family matters seems to be his mission. I was honored to be a guest on the show for another guest appearance this summer.  I was first interviewed when the show premiered last year. For a preview of what we discussed in my second interview, click on the link below.

http://www.familymatterstv.com/2011/07/debra-moskovitch-on-family-matters/

And, to hear the first interview click on this link below:

http://www.familymatterstv.com/2010/08/the-smart-divorce/

Your parents’ divorce might be setting the stage for your own. This article recently appeared on The Huffington Post.  I would love to hear your thoughts

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/midlife-divorce-blame-it-_b_884795.html

Shannon*, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her “aha” moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce. She married her husband because he “completed” her — masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love.

It wasn’t until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents’ divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5 years old.

eeking a rescue, not a relationship


Shannon considered her husband a real catch. She thought her knight in shining armor cared about her every move. He guided her through life, managed the finances and left all aspects of parenting to her.

In fact, this perfect partner repeated the patterns and disillusionments experienced in childhood. Shannon experienced controlling and emotionally abusive behavior, jealousy and an uninvolved husband. She felt this was ok: She’d grown up fearing abandonment and deflecting anger from her stepmother.

You see, when Shannon’s parents divorced, her mother left, with what seemed like no concern for her (the truth revealed many years later in adulthood when she regained a relationship with her mother); her father remarried, but this union did not provide her with the love and nurturing she so desperately needed. What happened in childhood then, has a significant impact on how romantic relationships are handled now, as an adult.

Although many children are resilient, and grow up thinking of themselves as just regular kids, not children of divorce, there are some children who are impacted emotionally in the long term. When a parent abandons a child, that child often believes that there was something wrong with him–or herself–and carries this belief into adulthood.

While the lack of a relationship with a parent can have a significant impact on romantic relationships for a child later in life, there is a debate amongst researchers on this topic. Some say, these individuals are affected for life. Others feel that with work, an individual can learn to come to terms with it, heal and develop rich and successful romantic partnerships.

According to Dr. Michelle Mitcham, a professor of counseling and a divorce expert, an individual’s self esteem is affected because they feel rejected. The loss of the parental relationship due to divorce results in a lack of trust.

“People have different cognitions [beliefs], and this leaves certain behaviors. If your cognition is on some level, I’m a bad person, or I’m not worthy, or at some level there is something that you think you did to deserve it, the lines get blurred. What messages are you giving yourself, even if they are subliminal?”

Dr. Mitcham helps her patients regain their self-esteem and trust, so that they are able to develop a positive outlook, and healthy romantic relationships. She helps her patients cope with the loss of a parent or a fragmented relationship with the parent, and to heal by working on these 5 significant messages.

1. Look to your family of origin for answers.

It is important to resolve any issues that could be playing out in your relationship and are undermining it. For instance, people get into a relationship looking for things that they were missing growing up. If the relationship looks attractive, individuals may leap into it hoping for nurturing and love for themselves without taking the time to really get to know the other person. Slow down and get to know prospective partners.

2. Stop repeating the same relationship mistakes.

People often marry, or get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. They are looking to feel complete, because they haven’t resolved things in the past. Many times, they don’t feel that they are worthy. Then they find themselves in an unfulfilling relationship, not really sure why they are giving into that relationship. Figure out what you are looking for, and love yourself — you are worthy of love and respect, and worthy of a healthy relationship.

3. You don’t have to be less of who you are to be in a good relationship.

Write out the ideal relationship: What you need in someone that you are compatible with. You’ll know that you are leaning towards a good relationship when you don’t have to be less of who you are in that relationship. You have to feel complete and feel like you have to stand on your own two feet before you can be happy in that relationship. The other person doesn’t complete you because they are not the answer to your unresolved issues.

4. Normalize your feelings.

Uncover your issues and find out what you didn’t receive growing up. Then you can fix it and move forward, because you understand the why, and how this changes your reactions. Remember you’re not alone: Other people feel this way too.

5. Develop introspection and understanding.

You might want to work with a therapist or do some journaling to help you think through the issues, and what you need to do to fix them. Bottom line is you need to know that you are worthy of love and worthy of a nurturing relationship, and figure out what exactly that looks like to you.

If you rush into a relationship without understanding where you were, then you won’t know where you are going. Take time to understand what you have been through and why. There is hard work that needs to be done. While you may have lost a close loving relationship with a parent, you need to come to terms with that, and develop a loving relationship with yourself.

When you move in a positive direction from what you are used to, you very likely will feel some anxiety. Embrace it. It may sound clichéd but it’s true: You have to truly love yourself, before you can really love someone else.

* the name has been changed.

This article is exclusive More.ca

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/midlife-divorce-blame-it-on-your-parents/a/33856/3

I hear:

“He had an affair, he was wrong, and I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness.”

“He promised we would spend the rest of our lives together, and now he’s leaving? I hate him; he deserves nothing!”

And the extreme, “I’m going to cut his !@#$ off, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, only to be in pain for the rest of his life -just like Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband.”

To read the full article, click on the link

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-you-can-forgive-your-_b_870705.html

The Smart Divorce® Resource Tool Kit is now available, order yours today– one easy phone call or email, to get this valuable resource.  It’s one of the  most comprehensive programs providing a full overview of the divorce process — and endorsed by judges, lawyers, and mental health professionals.  The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit will help you make smart decisions for you and your family – taking you through the entire divorce process, removing the mystery and misconceptions about the outcomes of divorce, how to cut down on your legal bills and so much more.

This comprehensive resource  provides an understanding of all aspects of the divorce process; helping you understand the two sides to your divorce – the “emotional divorce” and the “legal divorce”

Move through your divorce with focus, hope and confidence.

The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit makes the divorce process easy to understand, helping you to be strategic while making sound, smart decisions.  After all, information is knowledge and knowledge is power.

   Call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit. 

Included in The Smart Divorce Toolkit are tips, strategies and ideas, packaged as never seen before.  This smart toolkit comes with:

The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit is designed specifically to meet your needs — to help reduce stress, educate and inform you about the divorce process in a cost effective, easy to understand way. Guidance and information from leading family law lawyers, mental health professionals, and parenting experts well versed on the needs of those in the divorce process are included.  And, it’s put together in one smart package, making it uncomplicated, and effortless to understand.

The Tool Kit contains 4 CDs covering the myriad of issues, concerns and questions most people have about divorce – removing the mystery, complexity, and confusion about divorce.  Also included are Smart Guides which add another layer of detail to The Smart Divorce Audios, and provide a step by step plan for going through the divorce process.

The Smart Divorce Audios. 

These unique and informative CDs provide tips and strategies to help navigate this difficult time, educate listeners about the divorce process and provide practical information on getting through it with focus, hope and confidence.

• Audio 1 – The Emotional  Divorce
• Audio 2– The Legal Divorce
• Audio 3 – Smart Co-Parenting: Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First
• Audio 4 – Rebuilding Your Life Post Divorce

Smart Guides.

Tip sheets that support the information in the audios providing detail and understanding of the specific topic.

Smart Guides:

• Planning for a Smart Divorce
• Getting Your Finances Organized for Divorce
• Coping with the Stress of the Emotional Divorce
• Coping with Stress in a High Stress Environment
• Understanding Your Divorce Options
• Finding a Good Divorce Lawyer
• Smart Co-Parenting
• Living Separate and Apart
• Strengthening the Blended Family Bonds
• Divorce Financial Check List
• Understanding Marital Property Laws
• Important Financial Steps Required to Prepare for Divorce

Don’t delay, order your kit today

Call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit.

This valuable Tool Kit is designed to reduce stress, educate and inform about the many aspects of the divorce process, and is cost effective and easy to understand.

Divorce or a breakdown of a co-habitation relationship is an extremely emotional process. While divorce is a personal matter the emotional impact can spill over into the workplace suddenly making it a public affair. There are so many unknowns about divorce that people are often confused, filled with fear and unsure of how to navigate the process.  In an effort to better heal and deal with divorce process privately, many individuals seek therapeutic counseling.  However, not all therapists are equipped to help their patients understand the specifics of divorce to alleviate many of their concerns i.e. the legal process, financial impact or custody and access issues.  As a result, an individual’s world is temporarily turned upside down, triggering unsettling and distressful emotions. The effects of the emotional distress in the workplace can be devastating.

On a classic rating scale of stressful life events, divorce consistently ranks No. 2–second only to the death of a spouse or child. The process of getting divorced is an emotional roller coaster which can impact people’s ability to be mindful on the job. Although divorce is primarily a personal heartbreak, the effects spill into the workplace; at the extreme – costing one to lose their job – not to mention a good portion of their wealth, and it can even affect the organization’s reputation.  People often feel overburdened and lack confidence; it is not surprising how many buckle under the pressure.

It is well documented that divorce reduces worker productivity.  If one were to do a cost benefit analysis of the effects of divorce in the workplace, one would find that the financial costs to the organization can be enormous.

I understand only too well how devastating the emotions of divorce can be, taking over the legal process while wreaking havoc on one’s career, causing a meltdown on so many fronts, and  the difficulty in overcoming the challenges  of raising children on your own.  It is for these reasons that I created The Smart Divorce® Resource Tool Kit.    I know how important it is to treat your divorce as a business transaction, and arm yourself with as much information as possible.

The Smart Divorce Resource Tool Kit includes:

The Smart Divorce Audios.  These unique and informative audios provide tips and strategies to help navigate this difficult time, educate listeners about the divorce process and provide practical information on getting through divorce with clarity.

• Audio 1 – The Emotional  Divorce
• Audio 2– The Legal Divorce
• Audio 3 – Smart Co-Parenting: Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First
• Audio 4 – Rebuilding Your Life Post Divorce

Smart Guides.  12 very valuable tip sheets that support the information in the audios and cover other important issues; providing detail, strategies and tips for managing a specific divorce related topic.

In addition to the extensive information available in The Smart Divorce Resource Tool Kit, some organizations may also find it beneficial to offer workshops.  These presentations will provide greater clarity about divorce and managing through the process, in an effort to minimize stress, while maximizing an employee’s attention at work during this often distracting time.

The Smart Divorce® facilitator guided workshop

• Workshop 1- The Smart Divorce.  A 1 ½ hour overview of the divorce process based on the book, The Smart Divorce. The divorce process in explained in broad terms, while providing an understanding of the emotional divorce and the legal divorce
• Workshop 2- Strengthening the Blended Family Bonds.  A one hour presentation focusing on considerations when blending families.

Note: Each workshop includes PowerPoint presentation and facilitator script.

Don’t miss out on the introductory offer and save $50 when you place an order a minimum order of 10 kits.  Or, try it out and order just one Toolkit.

For more information click on the link.   To learn more about this unique and innovative program, and how it may help your organization or practice, please contact Deborah Moskovitch at info@thesmartdivorce.com.

The Smart Divorce Resource Tool Kit _ Flyer

Topics in this program include:

• The Lunch with the ex and how it changed everything
• Forgiveness, the power to forgive and letting go
• How letting go of anger changed a family.
Tune in to listen to hear this inspiring story

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/achieving-peace-harmony-and-forgiveness-with-an-ex/

For this article and more, click on

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/6-divorce-advice-tips/a/34568

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/deborah-moskovitch-midlife-divorce-advice-for-women/a/1909

An article appeared in the Toronto Sun talking about how some celebrities have shown strength during the divorce process, and have moved on valiantly.

I offer some tips in that article how to get your groove back, and move on to a better life post-divorce.

“Showing the world your happy face won’t only keep

the less sympathetic tabloids at bay, it could actually

change your whole perspective.”

Click on the link to view the full article.

http://www.torontosun.com/life/2010/08/27/15159681.html#/life/2010/08/27/pf-15159681.html

Feeling at peace with singledom when your

ex has a new partner

The emotional tide experienced through divorce doesn’t always end when your divorce becomes final. Just as you are moving forward, feeling positive, you’re faced with a new reality……..your ex has a new partner. Although you may or may not have a new relationships too, sometimes new emotions or old wounds surface.

Evaluating what you need to do to achieve happiness and hope in a new relationship requires thought, evaluation and introspection. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.

http://more.ca/relationships/single-life/when-your-ex-has-someone-new/a/18818

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca