How to help friends going through a divorce or breakup

By Jen Kirsch

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/divorces-collateral-damag_b_904553.html

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-s-collateral-damage/a/19942/2

Divorce’s Collateral Damage

“I need to stand by my brother; we can’t be friends any more.”

This is a moment Ashley had with her friend–and soon to be ex-sister-in-law. A bond nourished for over 23 years was broken. There were tears and hugs, but the closure was hard to accept. Why does divorce lead to this kind of moment over and over?

When some people are faced with a friend or family member who is going through divorce, it just seems easier not to have to take sides. For others, the relationship is severed because it was never really all that important. And there are people that try to maintain a relationship with both, and continue the link with grace.

Of course it’s not all just tears and hugs: Charlotte, who has been divorced for 5 years, told me she was relieved not to have to fake being nice to certain relatives and friends any more. But for others like Ashley, there can be a deep sadness at the loss of these relationships. Some individuals also experience an identity loss, as they are no longer welcome in certain social circles, invited to parties or know where to sit at their child’s soccer game.
How to get through

Jan Schloss, a social worker, certified parenting coach and family mediator, often discusses with her clients the issues related to the loss of these relationships.

There are different ways to look at it, says Schloss. These are loyalty issues, where many privately consider, “Who am I going to side with, and how can I be friends with both?”

One of the suggestions she makes to clients when confronting the loss is to “redefine who you are and how you would like to be in this new phase of your life.” And for those that think there may be a possibility of maintaining a relationship, Schloss says, “Remember, you are not divorcing your in-laws or extended family that you loved and felt clearly connected.”

There might be potential to continue that connection, but prepare yourself emotionally if you can’t.

Here are the top 5 things to consider when coming to terms with the loss of these relationship

You don’t have to grin and bear it alone
Seek the help of a professional to help you cope with grieving the loss of these relationships.

Find strength from other relationships
Divorce is a process; accept that there will be losses. Maintaining a positive outlook will help you stay strong and develop other fulfilling relationships.

Redefine who you are
Ask yourself, “Who am I?” and “What do I want out of life?” Shed the notion that you need to define yourself by who you were when married.

Eliminate negativity
Consistently taking about the loss of these relationships will drive people away; it means you have not moved on. Speaking negatively to your children about their extended family will make them feel that they are betraying you if they have a relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and you don’t want your children to feel like they have to keep secrets from you.

Put your children’s best interest first
If your children have had a positive and loving relationship with extended family and friends, it is important to keep up the connections because good relationships impact on how the children feel about themselves.

For some, divorce can feel like the beginning of a Cold War, with tension between two factions: your side and his. Divorce not only represents the uncoupling of a partnership, but can also result in the loss of other relationships, which were important to you while married. As the saying goes, time heals. Gradually, you will come to accept these losses and no longer feel the void.

This article first appeared on More.ca

I felt awkward when I turned up at social events unescorted. I would laugh and pretend to be happy. But when people asked me about life and work, I could sum up a whole year in five minutes. If I threw in the details of my divorce, well, that could have lasted five hours. But that would have been a good way to isolate myself even further, as very few people want to discuss divorce at a party. I knew I was a good mother, a person with lots of interests, a loyal friend. But I felt different, rattling around in society with nothing to ground me in the events I was a part of.

I soon realized that I had choices, and it was up to me to build a good life post-divorce. I could choose to be a victim, or choose to move on. By opening myself up to new experiences, and being open minded, I learned that divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grown from. Life is certainly different as a single woman in my fifties than it was when I was single in my twenties. I now have a sense of who I am. Responsibilities and worries that I never thought about are now a reality. I am much more mature, realistic, and comfortable with where I am in life. Introspection, and a desire to heal emotionally helped me to achieve this perspective. I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children and an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. I certainly did not have such a rich life when I separated. I gained it through a lot of hard work and a desire to be content and happy.

I now embrace my life with open arms. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today with who I was during and even before my marriage. I now have long, straight hair, when before I had short, curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. I’ve changed. The changes are more than just physical, however. I have had so much more life experience. Not only am I learning to settle into the new me, but my parents, siblings and friends have had to adapt too. They find it interesting to relate to this newly reflective, assertive, smart, sensitive, and, dare I say, sexy woman.

As I reflect back, there were a number of things I did that helped me work through this transformation; strategies that helped me to get where I am today.

Here are the five things that can help you find the smarter, sexier me:

Move outside your comfort zone. Try new activities; get out there and socialize. You are not going to meet people by sitting at home alone.

Pursue your interests and passion. Connect with people who share the same hobbies and positive outlook. Do you want to become a runner, a potter, a great cook? Weave these activities into your life, and learning -you’ll marvel at how your life is changing and becoming more fun.

Work on your inner beauty. Feeling good about yourself and who you’ve become, will attract people into your life who have a similar positive outlook and energy

Include your married friends into your activities. Let them see the new you, and what you have to offer — an interesting, stronger, happier and independent person.

Be your own role model. Strive to become the type of person you admire. Make a list of the attributes you most respect, and do what you need to get there.

Above all, it’s important for you to think of yourself not just as a newly single person, or parent, but as someone who is so much more. A worker, a friend, a volunteer there are so many roles that you can play. You need to weave these other roles into your definition of yourself.

You know, I find most people’s perspective on divorce and how a divorcée should feel to be interesting. Many people have said to me, “Oh, you’re divorced; I’m sorry.” And my response has always been, “Don’t be sorry; I’m happy.” Living happily ever after–it’s not just my experience. I know many others who have achieved the same goal.
Copyright ©2011 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.

Originally published on The Huffington Post

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-to-find-the-smarter-s_b_893458.html

Is it possible to embrace the feeling of aloneness and actually do something positive about it?  You bet it is.

Who says you have to celebrate those days the traditional route or the way you celebrated when you were married? If you find yourself alone, create new meaning for these celebrations and enjoy them on your own terms. Here are some tips to get you through these celebrations.

• Make a special effort to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Don’t try drowning your sorrows with alcohol or food.  Doing anything to excess when you are sad or worried is rarely a smart move.

• Be good to yourself. Go for a manicure or massage, buy a great CD, catch up on your favorite hobby. Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend or family member. 

• If you are feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, speak with a trusted friend, therapist or someone in your support group.

• Plan ahead. If it looks like you’re going to be spending the time on your own, find an interesting activity or a place to travel so you can be with other people.

• Surround yourself with people, whether from your support network, your family, your church or synagogue. You may even be able to attend a special support group holiday function.

• Contemplate how you would like your life to look like post-divorce and write down what you need to do to get there. Start doing one of those things now.

• Stay in control by making lists of what you need to do and checking each item off as you accomplish it.

• Use any time alone to do the things you’ve been putting off — catching up on paperwork; catching up on sleep; reading the great book that’s been sitting unopened for weeks or months; calling the friend you’ve been meaning to reconnect with.

• If putting on a dinner or party in the family home doesn’t feel right, try doing something for others off site. For example, you could visit a retirement home and read to those whose families can’t be with them during the holidays.

• Continue to make the holidays special for your children. Include them in developing new traditions. Ask them how they would like to celebrate. 

• Plan ahead how your children are going to spend the holidays. Avoid the stress of figuring things out last minute. This will give you a sense of comfort, relief and control.

• Be creative and flexible. If your children are not celebrating the holidays with you, think about making another day during holiday time a special day together.

• If your children are going to be with their other parent, phone them and wish them a happy holiday. Let them know that you are thinking about them.

• Don’t make your children feel that they have to take care of you during this special time. Send them the message that the holidays are a special time and you want them to enjoy themselves.

• Spare the occasional good thought for your ex.  Your marriage likely had some good moments. Remembering those times occasionally will help you lift yourself out of your bitterness about your current situation.

Wishing everyone good health, happiness and prosperity; peace and love.

As I look back at what I have accomplished in 2009 and think about what I want to do in 2010, setting tasks and objectives, to keep me focused, will help me achieve my goals.

What might you do to achieve your goals?  Make a list – what do you want to do…….

§  Set realistic goals of what you would like to accomplish this year.

§  Make a top 5 list of your objectives.

§  Take your list and write out what you need to do to get there.

§  January 1 – start doing one of those things to help you achieve your objectives.

Think about what you want out of life and start doing the thingsyou need to, to get you there.

Wishing you much luck and happiness for a smart, wonderful and fulfilling 2010

Ever wonder how you can change your space from “we” to “me”.  It’s important to create your own space and develop new memories post divorce.

Please click on the click to read more about tips and strategies as to how to create your post divorce home. http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/reclaim-your-space-after-divorce/a/22636

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on post divorce; tips that apply to both men and women.  If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

Ah, my space, and loving it. Relaxing in the surroundings I call home. I’m doing it in style, my way – and it’s certainly far from perfect. But, that isn’t to say I can’t change my space from “me” to “we” again, but for now, this is what makes me happy.

Now is the time to evaluate what you would like your life to like, and to develop strategies to get there. If you were the primary caregiver and stayed at home with your children during your marriage, perhaps you need to go to work but haven’t been in the workforce for a number of years. You could consider going to a vocational coach to help you make the transition. Perhaps you can afford to continue not working, but will this still be fulfilling? You can volunteer or pursue other interests. After all, your children may no longer be with you every day or weekend. The challenge is to rebuild your life to achieve a new kind of happiness. You just have to want to change and believe that it can be accomplished.

Visualize your life being different, and live your life as you envision it. Don’t wait to do the things that you promise yourself you will do when you feel better. Start doing those things now, and happiness will follow. If you wait until you are happier to do those things, you will be waiting a long time.

Please click on the click to read more about tips and strategies as to how to develop your postdivorce identity.

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/after-divorce-happier-stronger-you/a/21185

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women.

I don’t want to sugarcoat things. There are times when life postdivorce is difficult, sad, and lonely. You might still be experiencing a sense of loss, a setback in terms of self-esteem, or shame at no longer being part of a couple. But there are many single people living very rewarding lives. Again, try to reframe the situation and reflect on the life you actually had when you were married. I have heard people say that although they may have been blindsided by their divorce, when they really think about their marriage they realize that they were not fulfilled. If you are having difficulty postdivorce, this is when you really need to work hard to regain a positive outlook and work toward self-acceptance. Talking to a therapist, having a strong support network, or just asking yourself many questions about your life’s goals can lead you to an evaluation of where you are headed and how to get there.

Please click the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to accomplish a post-divorce social life.

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/home-alone-the-post-divorce-social-scene/a/20793

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

It doesn’t have to be lonely, get out there and enjoy yourself.

Have a fabulous weekend and a great week!

As I look back at what I have accomplished in 2008 and think about what I want to do in 2009, I realize that setting goals and objectives, to keep me focused, will help me achieve my dreams.

As the Nike slogan says – Just Do It – Meaning stop wondering about what you would do to make you happier, make a list of those things that will bring you happiness and start doing something about it now.  How are you going to accomplish this?

§  Set realistic goals of what you would like to accomplish this year.

§  Make a top 5 list of your objectives.

§  Take your list and write out what you need to do to get there.

§  January 1 – start doing one of those things to help you achieve your objectives.

Think about what you want out of life and start doing the things

you need to, to get you there.

Wishing you much luck and happiness for a smart, wonderful and fulfilling 2009

Feeling at peace with singledom when your

ex has a new partner

The emotional tide experienced through divorce doesn’t always end when your divorce becomes final. Just as you are moving forward, feeling positive, you’re faced with a new reality……..your ex has a new partner. Although you may or may not have a new relationships too, sometimes new emotions or old wounds surface.

Evaluating what you need to do to achieve happiness and hope in a new relationship requires thought, evaluation and introspection. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.

http://more.ca/relationships/single-life/when-your-ex-has-someone-new/a/18818

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca