Posts filed under ‘family’
Childrens’ Bill of Rights from the……..
American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS
WHEN PARENTS ARE NOT TOGETHER
Every kid has rights, particularly when mom and dad are splitting up. Below are some things parents shouldn’t forget — and kids shouldn’t let them — when the family is in the midst of a break-up.
You have the right to love both your parents. You also have the right to be loved by both of them. That means you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It’s important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times such as a break-up of your parents.
You do not have to choose one parent over the other. If you have an opinion about which parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can’t work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.
You’re entitled to all the feelings you’re having. Don’t be embarrassed by what you’re feeling. It is scary when your parents break up, and you’re allowed to be scared. Or angry. Or sad. Or whatever.
You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you, tell someone — either your other parent or a trusted adult like a teacher.
You don’t belong in the middle of your parents’ break-up. Sometimes your parents may get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you’re just a kid, and that you can’t handle their adult worries. If they start putting you in the middle of their dispute, remind them that it’s their fight, not yours.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life. Even if you’re living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent’s side. You’ll always be a part of their lives, even if your parents aren’t together anymore.
You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn’t worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DON’T BLAME YOURSELF.
—-Special Concerns of Children Committee, March, 1998
Children’s Bill of Rights from…..
Children’s Bill of Rights
from DivorceHQ.com
Here is another Children’s Bill of Rights which I came across and should help divorcing parents think about what the best interests of the children really mean and other ideas to accomplish this.
We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.
- The right not to be asked to “choose sides” or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.
- The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.
- The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
- The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
- The right not to be a messenger.
- The right to express my feelings.
- The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
- The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.
- The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
- The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
- The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
- The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well being.
- The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.
- The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
- The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.
- The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.
Please realize that this is NOT law, anywhere. The “Children’s’ Bill of Rights” is not legally enforceable, but rather suggestions made to keep the best interest of the child a priority.
Moving Between Mom’s Home and Dad’s Home
Children Live out the Divorce
Children are the one’s who live out the divorce. Often times, it is the children who move their belongings week in and week out, from mom’s home to dad’s and dad’s home to mom’s. As parent’s we need to consider the impact and make the adjustment and transition as easy as possible for them – to minimize the impact of how they live with divorce.
Minimize the impact of transition between homes
The easier a parent can make the transition for their children, the better it is for the family. Transition can also be difficult for you as a parent, because you’re giving up your children for a period of time. But you must realize that this is not about you; it is about your children.
I remember that for the first few months when my children left to be with their father………
…..they were not themselves when they came home. They were hyper and wound up. They would run to their bedrooms to make sure everything was still the same. It was a mixed bag of emotions for all. It’s like they had one personality at their dad’s house and another at mine. I was told that’s normal. Although I was aware of these differences, having them react differently to me certainly hit me hard.
Give your children time to adjust
I’ve learned to give my children their “adjustment time.” I realized that they were sort of compartmentalizing their surroundings–from Mom’s house to Dad’s house. We now have a routine when they come home from their dad’s. I usually make a little treat (chocolate chip banana bread is their favorite), they relax a bit, and then we snuggle and watch TV. Here are some other tips for easing the transition:
- Give children something to look forward to when they come home. Talk to them about what this could be–a special snack, alone time, a TV show to watch, and so forth.
- Involve your children in what they need to do when they come home (check e-mail, read, do homework–whatever offers them comfort and makes them feel at home).
- Ask your children: what can I do for you to make it easier for you?
Whether or not you like your former spouse and whether or not you agree with his or her parenting style, there is not much you can do about what occurs at the other home. Children are entitled to spend time with both parents. Your task is to send them off in the same way you would if you were sending them anywhere else where you wanted them to have a good time while they’re away from you. Your job is to put your children’s best interest first.
If there is nothing to fix, then it’s not broken……
My home is run down, but
it’s not broken…
The cabinet door in my kitchen has fallen off the hinge, the hot water tank just burst, the fridge door won’t close properly and I need a new roof. But while my home is in need of physical repair, it certainly does not need emotional repair.
I wrote about this in my book, The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts
You wouldn’t believe how many people it resonated with.
I’m divorced, but I don’t have a
Perhaps I’m sensitive, but I don’t consider my children to be growing up in a “broken home.” When I talk to my children, we call ourselves a family because that’s what we are.
We do not compare ourselves to more “traditional” families with two parents living at home. Divorce may change a family’s structure, but we’re still a family. All families – so-called “traditional” families and the rest of us – all have challenges, no matter how our living arrangements are configured.
Make life work for your kids
As a parent, your challenge is to make life work for your kids. Ensure they don’t view themselves as disadvantaged or as “children of divorce.” They’re regular children.
When I glimpse into families with two parents living at home, my home often appears to be working wonderfully well.
I may be a bit more frazzled than someone in a home with two parents living there – but that’s because of the practical everyday exigencies of life with three active children. (And who really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Just because there are two parents, does that always mean both parents share all the responsibilities? Don’t compare!)
There’s no one to share the driving with
I often have to be in two places at the same time. I run a business, but I still have to manage my personal affairs – on my own. So while I might be a bit more stressed (Did I mention I’m an A type personality?) my children are growing up in a healthy and loving environment.
I have house rules, set curfews (although I have been a bit lax at times), my children must get their homework done, and I’m always there to kiss them goodnight and listen to their worries.
Think about a few things…
What about blended families? Does blending suddenly unbreak “broken homes”?
What about the blended families where the culture is more like oil and water?
How about a family where both parents are living together but constantly fighting?
Or a family where both parents live together but one parent is never at home? Always working, always away on weekends and never around for the kids.
Constance Ahrons ,author of the highly praised books, We’re Still Family and The Good Divorce calls a single parent household a binuclear family –– a much healthier way to view a single parent household.
So, what do we call ourselves – FAMILY. A wonderful, supportive family, that is who we are.
Divorce Survival Tips
Managing a divorce is a process. You might be wondering if it’s really possible to get a smart divorce and move on to a better life? The answer is yes – with a lot of hard work. Divorce is probably one of the most emotional experiences you will ever face. The process can be overwhelming. But, it need not be, if you are able to make your decisions with focus, hope and confidence.
How to Make Smart Decisions About Divorce
Get informed about the divorce process. Take the time to find a divorce lawyer that is right for you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Make sure to understand the dispute resolutions negotiation, mediation, collaborative family law, arbitration, mediation/arbitration and litigation. As best you can, try to treat your divorce as a business transaction; keep the emotions of divorce out of your lawyer’s office. You’re in charge; make sure to understand all your options before making decisions. Information is knowledge and knowledge is power!
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce has become so common today that people underestimate how powerful an experience it is. Understand that you are grieving your divorce, which is normal and to be expected. The fact is you are experiencing losses you probably never thought would happen. To help get you through this difficult time, develop your support network including friends, family, clergy, parenting groups, divorce groups, and/or a therapist. I promise you, you will feel better. As the saying goes – time is a healer!
Coping Strategies
The number-one coping strategy is to get yourself in a position of wanting very little from your ex-spouse. The less you want from him/her, the less frustrated you will be. Think about it – if you couldn’t change your ex when you were married, you certainly aren’t going to change him/her now. Also, realize you will never get the apology you want and may even deserve. Taking control of your life, getting organized and making informed decisions will be empowering.
Moving On
You need to give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead post divorce. Envision what you would like life to like to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there. Don’t procrastinate! It’s up to you to make these things happen. Your goal should be to create a better life today than the one you had before.
Your New Found Time
You will likely have to get used to the fact that your children are not going to be with you 24/7. They will be spending part of their time with your ex and part with you. You can’t control what goes on when your kids are with their other parent. Learn to let go and don’t worry about the stuff you can’t control. Use the time when your kids are not with you productively. Pursue your dreams and your interests. Maybe now you will even have the time to see a movie or go to the gym. So, go to your closet and clean out the emotional demons, put on your favorite jeans and t-shirt or great new outfit and make plans for a fabulous evening. Just go out and have fun!
How To Achieve A Smart Divorce
Divorce is a process:
- understand the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal divorce”
- understand the various dispute resolutions available
- make informed decisions
- minimize the financial, legal and emotional stress
Be SMART about your divorce
State your goals and objectives at the beginning. Make sure these are realistic.
Maximize your information and knowledge base.
Avoid reacting to your emotions.
Retain the best possible divorce team your budget allows.
Treat your divorce as a business transaction.
How to start The Smart Divorce
- Develop your support network – therapist, support groups, clergy, divorce consultant and friends.
- Choose your lawyer carefully – go to a consultation before you decide to retain
- Be informed. Understand the dispute resolutions – do-it-yourself; negotiation; mediation; collaborative family law; arbitration; litigation.
- Put your children’s best interests first.
- Hire the right team of professionals based on your needs – parenting expert; financial adviser and others.
- Get your finances in order.
- Stay organized – create your divorce notebook and divorce journal.
- Have a vision for how you want your life to unfold and develop strategies to get there.
Smarting About Your Divorce?
There is a way to have a smart divorce and move on in a healthier, less painful way. Hi, I’m Deborah Moskovitch, a divorce consultant and educator and author of
The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts.
I created this blog for the same reason that I wrote the The Smart Divorce. I realized that most people going through divorce are confused and don’t know where to turn to for information. I learned that many people feel alone and are looking for some impartial advice. That is what I provide through “The Smart Divorce”—the understanding and education about the divorce process so that people can make decisions with confidence and move on with the rest of their lives – intact and without regret.
Use this blog as your support group, educator and guide. I invite you to share your comments, ideas, thoughts, concerns, feelings….anything and everything about divorce. You will see, you’re not alone. I also invite you to visit my website at www.thesmartdivorce.com. The secret to being smart about divorce means managing the emotional side and the legal side of divorce separately. If you can do this, you are likely to save time, trouble, and money on your way to a smart divorce and a better life. We have a responsibility to ourselves, our children, our future and their future. I look forward to hearing from you………Deborah
I’ll be Mine for Valentine’s Day
What’s the true meaning of Valentines Day? While today it appears to represent a day of love and romance, according to folklore, it actually originated with Roman Christians who were martyred during the third century A.D.; three of whom were saints named Valentine. It’s fascinating how the day, February 14, evolved from being one of honoring martyrs to becoming a day associated with romantic love and turning into a significant commercial success enjoyed by many retailers!
So, while Valentines Day is associated with romance, flowers, cards and chocolate, it’s not a statutory holiday; you don’t get the day off and you don’t have to celebrate if you don’t want to. Then, what do you do if you find yourself dateless with no one to send a special Valentine greeting? The answer is easy, you could:
- Skip the holiday all together. Ignore it and treat it like another regular day.
- Use it as an excuse to buy yourself a beautiful bouquet of flowers, box of chocolates or bottle of champagne.
- Celebrate it with your children and surprise them with chocolate goodies that you don’t usually let them have.
- Have some friends over and indulge in a decadent chocolate fondue party.
- Do a good deed. This will make you feel good and someone else too.
- Celebrate love, and love yourself. Do something special for yourself.
To cap it off, many couples I know don’t celebrate it either. The truth is, if it doesn’t make you comfortable, you don’t have to play!
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