Posts filed under ‘family’
What Happy Working Mothers Know
I wrote a post on this blog a while ago with Cathy Greenberg, entitled — What Happy Divorcees Know.
http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/02/27/what-happy-divorcees-know/
Dr. Greenberg shared her insight and wisdom on achieving happiness post divorce. She is a psychologist and an internationally recognized authority on leadership applying the new science of happiness. Cathy has just released a wonderful new book, co-authored with Barrett Avigdor, an international Lawyer, executive coach and Fulbright Scholar. Their book is a must read for anyone, especially the working mom who is looking to achieve happiness; and balance the hectic life of work, and family.
I am proud to be among several dynamic, prominent and distinguished women, as a featured contributor. Click on the sidebar Happy Working Mothers.
http://www.h2cleadership.com/mom/about_book.php
Science and sociology have made great strides in understanding what makes us happy and how we achieve it. For working mothers who face endless demands on their time and attention, What Happy Working Mothers Know provides scientifically proven and practical ways to find the right balance and replace stress with happiness. Written by a behavioral scientist and global leadership guru, and an international lawyer and career coach, this mom-friendly guide offers practical tactics that truly work.
The demands of juggling work and home lead many women to try to do everything and be everything to everyone. In the effort to be Superwoman, many women lose sight of what makes them happy and they fail to realize how important their happiness is to being a good worker and a good mother. The key to being your best at everything you do is to take care of your happiness the way you take care of your health, through conscious choices every day. You’ll learn to overcome obstacles, apply lessons learned at work to your motherhood skills, and learn lessons from your children that you can apply at work.
• Includes interactive activities that illustrate important lessons in the book
• Shows you how to use positive psychology to shift from a scarcity mentality to an abundance mentality for workplace success
• Helps you tap into your own sense of joy every day for your own happiness and the happiness of those around you
• Science-based and packed with real case studies of real working moms
• Written by authors with impeccable qualifications and real-world experience
• Based on the successful books coauthored by Greenberg: What Happy Companies Know and What Happy Women Know
Many moms raise great kids and achieve the professional success they desire and deserve, but if they aren’t happy, what’s the point? This book doesn’t show you how to have it all, but how to have all the things that really matter.
It’s back to school: developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
- birthdates
- school schedules
- other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
- Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
- Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
- It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
- It’s up to you to take the initiative.
- Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
- Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
- Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:
- Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
- As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated)
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
New school year, renwened relationships…..
New School Year, Renewed Relationships……
The Calendar Year Starts in
September for Many Families
One of the most serious fall-outs of divorce is the loss or diminished child/parent relationship. While some relationships might end as a result of parent alienation http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/02/18/the-meaning-of-family/- a common reason, often overlooked is “realistic estrangement” – when a child chooses to end, or reduce the time spent with a parent. The reasons are varied and may include ineffective parenting, substance abuse and domestic violence.
How do you maintain a relationship with your children, when their priorities change from family time, to focus on school and friends?
1. Re-frame your thinking – don’t measure time spent with your children in quantity – minutes and hours, but in terms of the quality of time you are spending.
2. Be creative – keep the relationship going by doing what is in their best interest – driving them to programs, helping them with homework, ask them what they need from you. By doing so, you get to know who their friends are, understand what they are doing at school, and you will open up conversation.
3. Let them know you care – create a family calendar. A schedule of extracurricular programs, events and school events will allow you to stay connected. It will also send a positive message that you want to stay involved.
4. Get with the program – children communicate through many mediums – text messaging, instant messaging, phone and more. Staying connecting on their terms goes a long way to maintaining a healthy positive relationship. Learn the texting short forms. It’s their language and you need to know it.
5. Be introspective
- If you find your children withdrawing from a relationship with you, ask yourself “what am I doing?” to contribute to this dynamic. For instance:
a. Do you put your needs before your children’s needs?
b. Is your behaviour affecting the relationship – alcohol or substance abuse, anger management issues, domestic violence, and more- seek out the help you need to get your life in order so that you can become a good role model and better parent.
c. Is your new partner (if you have one) affecting this relationship?
d. Have you ignored the relationship because of your relationship with your new family (if you remarried, or are living with someone)? Think about the damage you are doing to your children from your first family.
Don’t allow yourself or your children lose interest in the relationship. Children are the ones who live out the divorce. As parents, we owe it to our children to give them the best life possible, not a life filled with complications, despair, and a feeling of not being wanted. Children ARE the greatest love of all let them learn and lead the way. And in the process you have developed a bond to last a lifetime.
Divorce’s collateral damage
Sometimes you don’t just lose your ex, you lose your
extended family and friends as well.
There are many “emotional” adjustments you have to make to build a positive life postdivorce. One of those is getting used to the fact that many friends and extended family you had while married, are no longer there for you once divorced.
Evaluating what you need to do, to let go of some of these once important relationships, requires coping strategies which will lead you towards achieving a smart divorce. Please click on the link to read more about tips and ideas as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-s-collateral-damage/a/19942
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
From dam to glam: dating after divorce
The dating game, and how to ensure you are putting
your children’s best interests first.
It’s been said that dating is something that is good for you but can be hard on your children, because it pulls you away from them and may be confusing for them. There are no specific rules for dating when you have kids; there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Of course, your priority should still be your children, and sometimes you have to sacrifice your needs for them.
Dating postdivorce, achieving balance in your life and putting your children’s best interest first can be a challenge. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.
http://www.more.ca/relationships/married-life/from-dam-to-glam-dating-after-divorce/a/1800
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into dating postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Knowing how to put your children’s best interests first
will give you a sense of comfort, calm and
the freedom to enjoy yourself.
Help, my teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me!
Flexibility is especially important as your children enter their teen years. Teenagers are self-centered. Teenagers are fickle. Teenagers tend to see their parents for what they can offer–a wallet (money), a fridge (food, food, and more food), a bed (a place to sleep all day) and a car (with you as either their personal chauffeur or the “giver of the car keys”).
Don’t mistake your teenager’s struggle for independence, or his or her desire to spend more time with friends or on the Internet, for symptoms of your divorce. As children reach their early or mid-teens, their peer groups become essential to their lives. They don’t care about Mom’s time or Dad’s time; they just care about their own time. Their whole life focuses around their friends, which is normal–their primary focus is on themselves.
Many parents also complain that their children never let them know ahead of time what they will be doing, but that may be because the children themselves do not really know; that’s not how children make their plans. They get on their computers, they instant message each other, and the plan emerges, sometimes within a space of fifteen minutes. All of a sudden, they are busy and on their way to join up with friends.
Teenage behavior can be hard to take sometimes. The teen years can be especially hard for noncustodial parents. If you live an hour away from your child’s primary residence, where his or her school and peer group are, that makes it tough for the teenager to really enjoy his or her time at your home. As difficult as it may be for the noncustodial parent, most times that parent needs to take a backseat role to the person who is the custodial parent.
Here are some tips to stay connected with your teens:
- Offer to drive them to their friends.
- Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
- Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
Try not to think in terms of minutes and hours;
think in terms of the quality of the relationship
you are building and sustaining.
It’s back to school:developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
-birthdates
-school schedules
-other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
-Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
-Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
-It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
-It’s up to you to take the initiative.
-Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
-Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
-Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship
with your children:
-Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
-As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
Making it Through Your Divorce
Take charge and you’ll feel better…..
I noticed in the early days of divorce, that if you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Give your self the opportunity to explore and
consciously make choices about the
life you want to lead.
Here are the top 5 things you need to think about so that you can achieve control and avoid the pitfalls which can undermine you after divorce.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Will you have to move? If you do, think positive, perhaps this will give you a fresh start and way to begin life postdivorce – creating your better life.
- Will you have to go back to work? If you have been out of the workforce for a while, consider retraining and look for opportunities which you are passionate about. What have you always wanted to do? Perhaps now is the time to break out and try something different. If you don’t need to work, consider volunteer work and/or pursuing some new interests and hobbies.
- Develop your support network of new friends, family, clergy, a therapist or support groups.
- Do what you can to have a positive outlook. By feeling good about yourself, you will be a better parent. Putting your children’s best interest first should be your first objective. Finding a way to manage your emotions privately, giving your children a sense of security and love will go a long way to help your children adjust though the divorce.
What happens when you can’t see beyond this stage of divorce and the possibility of ever finding happiness? You will be undermining yourself and unable to move forward. If you focus on the hurt you lose perspective; you lose a sense of the larger picture and how this new life can take shape. You need to develop a sense of purpose for yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of surrendering to your divorce by thinking, “It’s the end of life.” It may be the end of life as you know it, but the truth is you could actually develop a better life if you work at it!
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