There are many myths and misconceptions about the outcome of divorce will be postdivorce.  People often have incorrect visions about how their  life is going to unfold – with their former partner, their children, dating, and the all too common thought “the grass is greener on the other side.”

Please click on the link for a reality check:

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-myths-debunked/a/30888/2

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women.  If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

People need to process what the separation means to them on an emotional level; to consider the marriage/relationship in terms of what was good, what was not so good, and how they may have contributed; and, who they are and want to become, as individuals, separate from the relationship.  It does one good to become conscious of lessons learned from the old relationship, or else risk a replay of the dynamics in subsequent relationships.

for blending your families

Did you know that the divorce rate rises with each subsequent marriage?  The divorce rate rises over 60% with a 2^nd marriage and skyrockets to over 70% with a third time marriage.  One of the contributing factors to the lack of a successful partnership is avoiding the discussion about merging two families together.

Please click on the click to read more about tips and strategies as to how to connect two new families. http://www.more.ca/relationships/family-and-friends/remarriage-avoid-the-blended-family-breakdown/a/29507

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women.  If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

But the bottom line is what ever you call it—a step family, blended family, combined family—it’s a newly reconfigured family unit. It takes time to bring this new family together, and it takes effort—just remember to resolve conflict, demonstrate love and find the fun.

If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change.  However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:

Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family

Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.

On the family calendar, list:

• birthdates
• school schedules
• other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish rules such as the following:

• Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
• Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
• It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
• It’s up to you to take the initiative.
• Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
• Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
• Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:

• Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
• As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated)

Remember, your children still have two parents.  They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.

The Calendar Year Starts in

September for Many Families

One of the most serious fall-outs of divorce is the loss or diminished child/parent relationship. While some relationships might end as a result of parent alienation http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/02/18/the-meaning-of-family/- a common reason, often overlooked is “realistic estrangement” – when a child chooses to end, or reduce the time spent with a parent. The reasons are varied and may include ineffective parenting, substance abuse and domestic violence.

How do you maintain a relationship with your children, when their priorities change from family time, to focus on school and friends?

1. Re-frame your thinking – don’t measure time spent with your children in quantity – minutes and hours, but in terms of the quality of time you are spending.

2. Be creative – keep the relationship going by doing what is in their best interest – driving them to programs, helping them with homework, ask them what they need from you. By doing so, you get to know who their friends are, understand what they are doing at school, and you will open up conversation.

3. Let them know you care – create a family calendar. A schedule of extracurricular programs, events and school events will allow you to stay connected. It will also send a positive message that you want to stay involved.

4. Get with the program – children communicate through many mediums – text messaging, instant messaging, phone and more. Staying connecting on their terms goes a long way to maintaining a healthy positive relationship. Learn the texting short forms. It’s their language and you need to know it.
5.  Be introspective
 - If you find your children withdrawing from a relationship with you, ask yourself “what am I doing?” to contribute to this dynamic. For instance:

     a. Do you put your needs before your children’s needs?
     b. Is your behaviour affecting the relationship – alcohol or substance abuse, anger management issues, domestic violence, and more- seek out the help you need to get your life in order so that you can become a good role model and better parent. 
     c. Is your new partner (if you have one) affecting this relationship?
     d. Have you ignored the relationship because of your relationship with your new family (if you remarried, or are living with someone)? Think about the damage you are doing to your children from your first family.

Don’t allow yourself or your children lose interest in the relationship. Children are the ones who live out the divorce. As parents, we owe it to our children to give them the best life possible, not a life filled with complications, despair, and a feeling of not being wanted. Children ARE the greatest love of all let them learn and lead the way.  And in the process you have developed a bond to last a lifetime.

http://www.eddylaw.com/articles.htm

What makes these articles unique is Mr. Eddy’s combined expertise as lawyer and social worker.  I interviewed Mr. Eddy for The Smart Divorce. What I found most fascinating is while he understands that  the emotional divorce and the legal divorce often get woven together; his strategies for dealing with personality disorder through this difficult time are exemplary.

If there is something more you would like me to explore in greater detail, please comment below.

Sometimes you don’t just lose your ex, you lose your

extended family and friends as well.

There are many “emotional” adjustments you have to make to build a positive life postdivorce. One of those is getting used to the fact that many friends and extended family you had while married, are no longer there for you once divorced.

Evaluating what you need to do, to let go of some of these once important relationships, requires coping strategies which will lead you towards achieving a smart divorce. Please click on the link to read more about tips and ideas as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-s-collateral-damage/a/19942

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

If you are facing divorce or know someone who is,

this may be of interest…

The CBC showed a documentary this week called ” How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids” it is airing again Saturday January 10, 2009 at 10 pm ET/PT on CBC Newsworld. How to Divorce & Not Wreck the Kids takes viewers inside one of life’s most devastating transitions as three Canadian couples, determined to keep the needs of their children first, work through their separations on camera.

Within this documentary, Dr. Joan Kelly, an internationally acclaimed practitioner, researcher, educator and author in the field of divorce and separation, offers excellent advice to help put your children’s best interest first.

For Dr. Kelly’s Top 10 checklist to help protect your kids, more information and to watch this documentary online visit the CBC website:

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/2009/howtodivorce/index.html

This is a very informative documentary and offers insight into the divorcing process using Collaborative Law.

The Jewish High Holidays are just days away, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’m sure many are counting down the shopping days until Christmas. Celebrating holidays can be a stressful time when you’re divorced – but it doesn’t need to be.

I’ve written about this before, but I know it is top of mind for many, so I felt I should blog about it again. If you find yourself without your children or extended family at a time when you traditionally celebrated with them, it can be a sad and lonely experience without them now.

Here’s a little reminder of what I have previously posted and tips to get you though.

Who says you have to celebrate those days the traditional route or the way you celebrated when you were married? If you find yourself alone, create new meaning for these celebrations and enjoy them on your own terms. Here are some tips to get you through these celebrations.

• Create new traditions. If the old traditions are too painful to follow, let them go. Instead of trying to re-create the past, create your own positive future.

• Throw your own party and invite friends or family who have nowhere to go during this time.

• Make a special effort to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Don’t try drowning your sorrows with alcohol or food.  Doing anything to excess when you are sad or worried is rarely a smart move.

• Be good to yourself. Go for a manicure or massage, buy a great CD, catch up on your favorite hobby. Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend or family member.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, speak with a trusted friend, therapist or someone in your support group.

• Plan ahead. If it looks like you’re going to be spending the time on your own, find an interesting activity or a place to travel so you can be with other people.

• Surround yourself with people, whether from your support network, your family, your church or synagogue. You may even be able to attend a special support group holiday function.

• Contemplate how you would like your life to look like post-divorce and write down what you need to do to get there. Start doing one of those things now.

• Stay in control by making lists of what you need to do and checking each item off as you accomplish it.

• Use any time alone to do the things you’ve been putting off — catching up on paperwork; catching up on sleep; reading the great book that’s been sitting unopened for weeks or months; calling the friend you’ve been meaning to reconnect with.

• If putting on a dinner or party in the family home doesn’t feel right, try doing something for others off site. For example, you could visit a retirement home and read to those whose families can’t be with them during the holidays.

• Continue to make the holidays special for your children. Include them in developing new traditions. Ask them how they would like to celebrate.

• Plan ahead how your children are going to spend the holidays. Avoid the stress of figuring things out last minute. This will give you a sense of comfort, relief and control.

• Be creative and flexible. If your children are not celebrating the holidays with you, think about making another day during holiday time a special day together.

• If your children are going to be with their other parent, phone them and wish them a happy holiday. Let them know that you are thinking about them.

• Don’t make your children feel that they have to take care of you during this special time. Send them the message that the holidays are a special time and you want them to enjoy themselves.

• Spare the occasional good thought for your ex.  Your marriage likely had some good moments. Remembering those times occasionally will help you lift yourself out of your bitterness about your current situation.

Wishing everyone good health, happiness and prosperity; peace and love.

Don’t mistake your teenager’s struggle for independence, or his or her desire to spend more time with friends or on the Internet, for symptoms of your divorce. As children reach their early or mid-teens, their peer groups become essential to their lives. They don’t care about Mom’s time or Dad’s time; they just care about their own time. Their whole life focuses around their friends, which is normal–their primary focus is on themselves.

Many parents also complain that their children never let them know ahead of time what they will be doing, but that may be because the children themselves do not really know; that’s not how children make their plans. They get on their computers, they instant message each other, and the plan emerges, sometimes within a space of fifteen minutes. All of a sudden, they are busy and on their way to join up with friends.

Teenage behavior can be hard to take sometimes. The teen years can be especially hard for noncustodial parents. If you live an hour away from your child’s primary residence, where his or her school and peer group are, that makes it tough for the teenager to really enjoy his or her time at your home. As difficult as it may be for the noncustodial parent, most times that parent needs to take a backseat role to the person who is the custodial parent.

Here are some tips to stay connected with your teens:

• Offer to drive them to their friends.
• Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
• Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.

Try not to think in terms of minutes and hours;

think in terms of the quality of the relationship

you are building and sustaining.

If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:

Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family

Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.

On the family calendar, list:

-birthdates

-school schedules

-other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish rules such as the following:

-Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.

-Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.

-It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.

-It’s up to you to take the initiative.

-Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.

-Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.

-Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship

with your children:

-Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.

-As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).

Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.