Posts filed under 'family relationships'
Help, my teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me!
Flexibility is especially important as your children enter their teen years. Teenagers are self-centered. Teenagers are fickle. Teenagers tend to see their parents for what they can offer–a wallet (money), a fridge (food, food, and more food), a bed (a place to sleep all day) and a car (with you as either their personal chauffeur or the “giver of the car keys”).
Don’t mistake your teenager’s struggle for independence, or his or her desire to spend more time with friends or on the Internet, for symptoms of your divorce. As children reach their early or mid-teens, their peer groups become essential to their lives. They don’t care about Mom’s time or Dad’s time; they just care about their own time. Their whole life focuses around their friends, which is normal–their primary focus is on themselves.
Many parents also complain that their children never let them know ahead of time what they will be doing, but that may be because the children themselves do not really know; that’s not how children make their plans. They get on their computers, they instant message each other, and the plan emerges, sometimes within a space of fifteen minutes. All of a sudden, they are busy and on their way to join up with friends.
Teenage behavior can be hard to take sometimes. The teen years can be especially hard for noncustodial parents. If you live an hour away from your child’s primary residence, where his or her school and peer group are, that makes it tough for the teenager to really enjoy his or her time at your home. As difficult as it may be for the noncustodial parent, most times that parent needs to take a backseat role to the person who is the custodial parent.
Here are some tips to stay connected with your teens:
- Offer to drive them to their friends.
- Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
- Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
Try not to think in terms of minutes and hours;
think in terms of the quality of the relationship
you are building and sustaining.
2 comments September 1, 2008
It’s back to school:developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
· birthdates
· school schedules
· other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
· Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
· Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
· It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
· It’s up to you to take the initiative.
· Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
· Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
· Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship
with your children:
· Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
· As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
Add comment August 28, 2008
It’s my birthday and I’ll party if I want to
It’s my birthday and I’ll party if I want to…….
Unlike Lesley Gore, who recorded the song, It’s My Party - about the lead character’s birthday party which did not turn out to be the happy occasion she thought it would be she cried, cried, cried. Why turn your birthday or any celebration into a reason for tears.
Celebrate the fact that you made it through another year. Don’t wait for someone to make it special for you, make it special for yourself
- Throw your own party; celebrate with your children, friends or extended family.
- That adventure you were thinking about, go a head, give yourself permission to finally do it.
- Buy yourself something really fabulous.
- Find a way to enjoy yourself and make a special effort to create your own happiness and joy.
I was determined to make my 45th birthday extraordinary. It looked to me as if all my friends celebrated their birthday by being whisked away by their partner to some marvelous destination or received a fancy bauble with major bling. Wanting to jump aboard that birthday express, I decided to create my own marvelous adventure. Not having someone special in my life, I felt special anyhow and whisked myself away on an unforgettable journey. I decided to mix my love of adventure with a passion for good food and pampering.
For six months prior to my birthday I sweated away twice a week spinning at the gym, preparing myself for the most delicious trip. I signed on for a bike trip which rode through the Napa and Sonoma Valley, called a solo adventure – not a singles trip, not for the lonely, a tour for those that were traveling on their own — incredible, that was perfect. Spas, great wines, beautiful vineyards, fine food and biking, how much more ideal could it be?!! It seems like a dream now, how I found the nerve to think out of the box and do something on my own – but, I enjoyed the ride of my life. It was an unbelievable experience, story and adventure.
I recommend celebrating your birthday
by realizing your dreams.
Achieving your goals and living out your dreams that is the best gift you can give yourself. It’s life affirming, just what you need to celebrate your birthday.
Today, I make my birthday special by throwing my own little birthday party celebrating with my children. I take them to an event that I know we will all enjoy (ok, maybe I’m selfish this one time and I enjoy it the most), we go to the theatre, a new restaurant; I’m always trying something new. But, I have two rules which they have to abide by, 1 - they can’t complain and 2- they have to make me a birthday card. It’s an adventure for us all and a new experience for them. If I’m lucky enough to have a few extra dollars, I buy myself something special too, a pair of earrings, bracelet or a massage.
I’ve come a long way baby and I’m worth it.
1 comment March 9, 2008
Putting your children’s best interests first
The Best Interests of Your Children
While conducting some research for an upcoming book within The Smart Divorce® series I had an interesting conversation with a child protection lawyer about the best interests of the children. From this lawyer’s perspective and what I see in my consulting practice and watching what goes on around me, we agreed that people often talk about it, but don’t necessarily do it – that is put their children’s best interests first. What does best interest of the children really mean? Is it fitting your schedule into your children’s or the other way around?
Defining Children’s Best Interest
There are many definitions as to what best interest means. The Geneva Convention defines it as acknowledging that every child has certain basic rights, including the right to life, his or her own name and identity, to be raised by his or her parents within a family or cultural grouping and have a relationship with both parents, even if that means they live in two different households. It sounds straightforward, but it isn’t necessarily that easy because divorce is complicated by emotions. And – these emotions if not managed, can impair your parenting skills – causing you to think you are putting your children’s best interest first, but many parents are not! This can happen when parents are overwhelmed with their own emotions causing their parenting skills to be weakened.
Simply put, the best interests of the children means doing what is best for your children. How do you achieve this when you might be feeling raw and bitter? You need to:
- deal with your emotions (use your support network for help such as a therapist, clergy, support groups, friends and family)
- Put your emotions on the shelf so that you can be the best parent for you children.
- Let your children participate in activities and do what they would normally have done if you were married.
Children should not be punished because an
activity falls on one parent or the others time
While a parent might be supportive of an extra curricular activity, they don’t let the children participate because it falls on their time – thinking that it is punishing the other parent, when actually it is the children who suffer.
You need to recognize, that children are not possessions they are not “my children, not your children”– they still have 2 parents, you need to reframe your thinking into these children being our children.
1 comment February 29, 2008
Moving Between Mom’s Home and Dad’s Home
Children Live out the Divorce
Children are the one’s who live out the divorce. Often times, it is the children who move their belongings week in and week out, from mom’s home to dad’s and dad’s home to mom’s. As parent’s we need to consider the impact and make the adjustment and transition as easy as possible for them – to minimize the impact of how they live with divorce.
Minimize the impact of transition between homes
The easier a parent can make the transition for their children, the better it is for the family. Transition can also be difficult for you as a parent, because you’re giving up your children for a period of time. But you must realize that this is not about you; it is about your children.
I remember that for the first few months when my children left to be with their father………
…..they were not themselves when they came home. They were hyper and wound up. They would run to their bedrooms to make sure everything was still the same. It was a mixed bag of emotions for all. It’s like they had one personality at their dad’s house and another at mine. I was told that’s normal. Although I was aware of these differences, having them react differently to me certainly hit me hard.
Give your children time to adjust
I’ve learned to give my children their “adjustment time.” I realized that they were sort of compartmentalizing their surroundings–from Mom’s house to Dad’s house. We now have a routine when they come home from their dad’s. I usually make a little treat (chocolate chip banana bread is their favorite), they relax a bit, and then we snuggle and watch TV. Here are some other tips for easing the transition:
- Give children something to look forward to when they come home. Talk to them about what this could be–a special snack, alone time, a TV show to watch, and so forth.
- Involve your children in what they need to do when they come home (check e-mail, read, do homework–whatever offers them comfort and makes them feel at home).
- Ask your children: what can I do for you to make it easier for you?
Whether or not you like your former spouse and whether or not you agree with his or her parenting style, there is not much you can do about what occurs at the other home. Children are entitled to spend time with both parents. Your task is to send them off in the same way you would if you were sending them anywhere else where you wanted them to have a good time while they’re away from you. Your job is to put your children’s best interest first.
Add comment February 27, 2008
The Meaning of Family………..
Living in the province of Ontario, I am fortunate to have the day off tomorrow because of the new statutory holiday “Family Day”. This holiday was created because the provincial government feels that “there is nothing more valuable to families than time together. And yet it seems tougher than ever to find, with so many of us living such busy lives.”
Families. Single parent households, blended families, same-sex families, cohabitating families…….there are, I know, many other reconfigurations that I haven’t even mentioned. When you’re divorced and single suddenly the words family day take on new meaning.
What if you’re divorced with no children, and perhaps no extended family in your life to share the day - does that mean you can’t celebrate? I suggest, reach out to your friends who have become your extended family. Let them know how special they are to you. Think about what family means to you and start building important bonds and relationships that you hope can be long lasting.
If you have become estranged or alienated from your family and children use this time to reflect and try to understand what went wrong. Perhaps this can be the day when you start mending those broken relationships. The ending of a relationship between a parent and a child is probably one of the most painful experiences to ever happen.
To be estranged is a breakdown of the bond between a parent and the child and a distance between the two occurs. For what ever reason, there was something that caused the loving relationship to turn into one of apathy or hostility. Even worse, is parent alienation, which is a form of mental abuse.
“The most heinous situation in child custody disputes is called pathological alienation or parent alienation syndrome (PAS). In this scenario, one parent becomes obsessed with destroying a child’s relationship with the other parent when there is no good reason to do so. Alienation can be mild, moderate, or severe….. The children’s will and choice are removed from them through a form of brainwashing. This is a serious form of child abuse, because if it isn’t stopped, the children are headed for psychiatric disturbances, failed relationships, and dysfunctional lives in which they will pass this behavior on to their own children.”
The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, July, 2007)
What do you do to overcome these devastating scenarios? Dr. Robert A. Simon, a clinical and forensic psychologist in California suggests:
“Parental Alienation Syndrome, though a very real phenomenon, is something that I believe has become rather “trendy” these days. One of the things I’ve come to understand about PAS is that even when a parent deliberately sets out to alienate the children from the other parent that the other parent often behaves in ways so as to “confirm” the alienation. In terms of re-establishing a relationship with your children, it is vital that you look carefully at yourself and at what you are doing or have done that may play into the hands of the children’s other parent.. Otherwise, no matter what the courts do, the children will still struggle in their relationship with you”.
“My suggestion is that you consult with a qualified, experienced family law specialist who has worked with issues of alienation before and that you also hire a family law forensic psychologist to consult with you and the attorney on the matter. “
I also suggest that you work with a parenting expert, psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker to help understand the dynamics and guide you to put the relationship right. If you are dealing with a painful experience and having a difficult time rebuilding the relationship, you should still try to work with one of these professionals because you are most likely dealing with your own emotional turmoil that needs healing.
For a gut wrenching story on the disastrous effects of PAS I urge you to read A Kidnapped Mind: A Mother’s Heartbreaking Story of Parental Alienation, by Pamela Richardson. A Kidnapped Mind is a heartrending and mesmerizing story of a Canadian mother’s exile from and reunion with her child, through grief and beyond, to peace.
I would also like to refer you to the links at the side of this blog, there are some helpful sites to research these topics as well.
What I hope that you will take away from reading this post is how important it is for children to have a healthy relationship with both parents. Of course, if one parent is abusive either physically or emotionally, that is not what I am referring to. I am talking about a loving, healthy relationship where children are not used as pawns and both parents take their responsibilities seriously meaning emotional, financial and ensure their basic needs met.
If you are contributing to the breakdown of the relationship or your child’s other parent is, please reflect and consider the long term effects on your child and help to start rebuilding those relationships today.
If you are as fortunate as I am to have a healthy relationship with your children, then give them an extra hug today and tell them how much you love them.
Family day, parent child relationships and the meaning of family I’m sure for many is a hot topic. I urge you to share your thoughts. What are you doing to encourage a good relationship, overcome a painful relationship, or living with a strained relationship…….I would love to hear from you, please share your thoughts.
4 comments February 18, 2008
