Posts filed under 'emotions of divorce'
Breaking up, a 5 part series
Nothing is in this world is perfect, and certainly not the legal system. There are gaps in the system. The challenge is to work beyond the gaps…….as one lawyer once told me, the legal system was designed for criminals and, divorce is not a criminal act. So, given that perspective, I hope you can see why you should try to stay out of court. Of course, there are always exceptions, and at times, one has no choice but to litigate.
There was a 5 part series in the Toronto Star, investigating some of the issues people are confronted with when dealing with the legal system. What ever the issues, the bottom line is, there are problems, and that requires reforming the system.
I’ve attached links to the articles which may be of interest to you, my readers. While you might not agree with everything in these articles, it certainly will make you pause and think………the reality is, divorce is a life changing event, and we need to view this as a process, not a crisis. And, as I heard a lawyer so wisely say:
Divorce is a problem to be solved,
not a war to be won.
Here are the links to the articles:
Divorced dads can’t catch a break http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/704075–divorced-dads-can-t-catch-a-break
The good divorce http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705130–the-good-divorce
Kids hard hit in nasty divorces http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705251–kids-hard-hit-in-nasty-divorces
Grandparents go to court for access to grandkids
Where separation occurs without anxiety http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/706400–where-separation-occurs-without-anxiety
Of course, I always like to have the last word and comment. My published letter to the editor, in response to the article entitled “Divorced dads can’t catch a break”, is below.
What’s the delay on shared custody?
Re: Breaking up: Family courts in crisis, Series
There are gaps in the legal system, leading to both fathers and mothers feeling that they are being treated unfairly. But, the real victims are the children who are losing out on a loving relationship with both parents, because of their parents’ conflict – who are too consumed with fighting each other, ignoring what’s in their children’s best interest.
Parents need to work together for the sake of the children, not against each other for vengeance, control and destruction of their ex partner.
Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant, Author, “The Smart Divorce”
Add comment October 18, 2009
The Smart Divorce Seminar
THE SMART DIVORCE® SEMINAR
A SMART CLIENT IS A BETTER CLIENT
A VALUABLE SEMINAR ABOUT THE DIVORCE PROCESS:
HEAR FROM THE BENCH, THE BAR AND THE TRENCHES
Saturday, November 21, 2009 Time: 10:00 am – 1:00 pm
Location: Fairview Library, Room 2 – Lower Level
Registration Fee: $65.00, including G.S.T.
Speakers include: Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant and author of The Smart Divorce, and recently retired Family Law Lawyer Marilynne Cass, with Featured Guest Speaker: Mr. Justice Harvey Brownstone of the Ontario Family Court and author of the bestselling book Tug of War
If you are either contemplating or currently going through a divorce, this seminar offers you strategies and tips for successfully navigating the divorce process. You will learn about the differences between the “emotional divorce” and the “legal divorce”, emphasizing the scope and limitations of the legal process. You will also hear what you can and should be doing to better move your own case towards resolution. Your will learn how to avoid the emotional pitfalls, anticipate the financial hurdles and understand the litigation limitations. You will be better prepared to move forward with focus, hope and confidence while saving time and money –and your sanity!
Topics that will be discussed:
• Understanding Divorce: Exploring the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal divorce” and how to effectively manage the process.
• Working with Your Lawyer: It’s a job for both you and your lawyer. What you should be doing to make the process most cost effective.
• Getting Your Life in Order for the Divorce Process: How to organize your paperwork to cut down on legal expenses.
• Parenting throughout divorce: Exploring the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal, what children are going through; and putting your children’s best interest first.
• Moving from Mom’s house to Dad’s house – Understanding custody and co-parenting arrangements; developing a parenting plan; and parenting after divorce.
• The legal process and dispute resolutions. What this means and how to develop realistic expectation to manage the divorce process more cost effectively.
• Understanding how child and spousal support are determined. The financial paperwork you need to prepare, and the issues to consider regarding the matrimonial home and much more.
• Finally, you will have the unique opportunity to learn from a judge: how rulings are decided, the importance of using a lawyer, what happens to the self represented litigant
and, putting your children’s best interests first. You will gain valuable insight into what really goes on in the family court room.
To reserve your spot:
Call Deborah Moskovitch at 905-695-0270,
Marilynne Cass at 647-200-7318
or email info@thesmartdivorce.com
1 comment September 14, 2009
Reclaim your space after divorce
So your ex has moved out – now what? A guide to moving your home from “we” to “me”
Ever wonder how you can change your space from “we” to “me”. It’s important to create your own space and develop new memories post divorce.
Please click on the click to read more about tips and strategies as to how to create your post divorce home. http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/reclaim-your-space-after-divorce/a/22636
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on post divorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Ah, my space, and loving it. Relaxing in the surroundings I call home. I’m doing it in style, my way – and it’s certainly far from perfect. But, that isn’t to say I can’t change my space from “me” to “we” again, but for now, this is what makes me happy.
Add comment August 23, 2009
Divorce’s collateral damage
Sometimes you don’t just lose your ex, you lose your
extended family and friends as well.
There are many “emotional” adjustments you have to make to build a positive life postdivorce. One of those is getting used to the fact that many friends and extended family you had while married, are no longer there for you once divorced.
Evaluating what you need to do, to let go of some of these once important relationships, requires coping strategies which will lead you towards achieving a smart divorce. Please click on the link to read more about tips and ideas as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-s-collateral-damage/a/19942
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Add comment January 29, 2009
When your ex has somone new
When you ex has someone new
Feeling at peace with singledom when your
ex has a new partner
The emotional tide experienced through divorce doesn’t always end when your divorce becomes final. Just as you are moving forward, feeling positive, you’re faced with a new reality……..your ex has a new partner. Although you may or may not have a new relationships too, sometimes new emotions or old wounds surface.
Evaluating what you need to do to achieve happiness and hope in a new relationship requires thought, evaluation and introspection. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.
http://more.ca/relationships/single-life/when-your-ex-has-someone-new/a/18818
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Add comment November 16, 2008
5 steps to post divorce happiness
Achieving happiness postdivorce is possible. But, like most things in life with a positive outcome, it requires hard work. There are things that you can do as you move through the divorce process to prepare and enable you to move forward with focus, hope and confidence; upon closing your divorce file.
Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to accomplish postdivorce happiness. 5-steps-to-post-divorce-happiness-more-magazine-12
I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on – postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca
Life is like a book: some chapters are more difficult to get through than others. When I started living on my own again, I thought about how the new chapters of my own life were going to be written. I began to ask myself many questions. Can people actually be single and happy postdivorce? If they can, how do they achieve this? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets–just follow these few simple steps and, poof, a new you, easily transformed while you sleep? Or can you only reach that elusive goal of happiness when you find that perfect mate–your knight in shining armor or damsel in distress?
Think about how you would like your life to look like postdivorce and start doing some of those things now. You have choices and control. It’s up to you as to how this new chapter in your life is going to be written.
3 comments July 21, 2008
All alone on a Saturday night?
Feeling like the fifth wheel?
Many people at the beginning of their separation or divorce often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the fifth wheel bug. Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch but, the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a Noah’s Ark society – a couple’s world, is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before. It’s not that you are not welcome as a friend, it’s that you are no longer part of a couple.
I not only hear about this situation frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I first separated. Now, not every couple excludes the single person, but there are many who do. I’ve learned that this situation occurs mostly because of discomfort. It is easier to fit four or six around a table then three or five. Balanced, even. What you need to understand is that this not about you, it’s about the way your friends feel about your situation. It’s not that your friends are afraid of you fraternizing with their husband or wife, it’s that they are used to socializing with you as a couple or they feel uncomfortable being confronted with divorce.
We all know how emotional divorce can be. And, because of your turmoil and grieving it can also take over how you express yourself in a social setting. So imagine then, a couple(s) going out for dinner on a Saturday night, wanting to keep the evening conversation light and easy. While I’m sure many of your friends are extremely supportive, the last thing this couple wants to hear after a long week of work and their own stress is your anger, bitterness or sadness.
So, what do you do about this to build your confidence and life and deal with this situation?
- Make new single friends –ask your friends if they know of someone single to introduce you to, not for a romantic relationship but friendship.
- Go to a therapist – venting about this situation to friends will only alienate you from your friends.
- Build your support network – support groups, clergy, friends, therapist, and so on.
- Go to lectures or programs which are of interest. You can find many things to enjoy advertised in the paper or at your synagogue or church.
- Start doing things outside of your comfort level for entertainment; enjoy a movie on your own, go to the bookstore, enjoy an exhibit at a museum or art gallery. This can make you a more interesting person with experiences to share and have fun in the process.
- Recognize that this is going to happen. Don’t take it personally.
Add comment July 7, 2008
Making it Through Your Divorce
Take charge and you’ll feel better…..
I noticed in the early days of divorce, that if you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Give your self the opportunity to explore and
consciously make choices about the
life you want to lead.
Here are the top 5 things you need to think about so that you can achieve control and avoid the pitfalls which can undermine you after divorce.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Will you have to move? If you do, think positive, perhaps this will give you a fresh start and way to begin life postdivorce – creating your better life.
- Will you have to go back to work? If you have been out of the workforce for a while, consider retraining and look for opportunities which you are passionate about. What have you always wanted to do? Perhaps now is the time to break out and try something different. If you don’t need to work, consider volunteer work and/or pursuing some new interests and hobbies.
- Develop your support network of new friends, family, clergy, a therapist or support groups.
- Do what you can to have a positive outlook. By feeling good about yourself, you will be a better parent. Putting your children’s best interest first should be your first objective. Finding a way to manage your emotions privately, giving your children a sense of security and love will go a long way to help your children adjust though the divorce.
What happens when you can’t see beyond this stage of divorce and the possibility of ever finding happiness? You will be undermining yourself and unable to move forward. If you focus on the hurt you lose perspective; you lose a sense of the larger picture and how this new life can take shape. You need to develop a sense of purpose for yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of surrendering to your divorce by thinking, “It’s the end of life.” It may be the end of life as you know it, but the truth is you could actually develop a better life if you work at it!
Add comment July 3, 2008
Keeping your sanity during the insanity
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce is a process with a colossal emotional component. If you’re not careful to deal with the emotions separately and outside of the legal process you are in danger of making decisions you will later come to regret.
The kaleidoscope of emotions
The emotions can be intense and vary from person to person. What you may be feeling is fear, anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shock, frustration and even relief. I remember, as I went through my divorce, wanting to desperately piece my world back together and wanted to numb the pain. But of course, I later came to realize that if you don’t deal with the pain of your emotions, somewhere later, the emotions will catch up to you and become your emotional baggage.
Divorce has become so common today that
people underestimate how powerful an
experience it truly is
People don’t know how to react to divorcing people. There are no rituals or customs associated with mourning the loss of a marriage. There are all sorts of customs associated with losing a loved one, but how do you mourn the loss of a marriage? Without saving cavalier or glib, there are some ideas which don’t sound so bad. I’m starting to hear of people developing their own little healing ceremonies by throwing divorce parties, sending out separation announcements, burying their wedding band, or running away going on a little exotic vacation and so on. But what you also need to do is recognize that you are grieving. Grief is not a mental disorder; it is a natural, if painful, emotion that needs to be worked through!
Managing the grief
Grief presents an opportunity to make important choices and think about the life you want to lead. There is an incredible amount of emotional work and healing that needs to be done when you’re grieving, especially during the first year of tow of going through a divorce and separation.
Ways to feel better
If you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Take charge
- Give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically.
- Emotionally: develop your support network of friends, family, clergy parenting groups, support groups and perhaps a therapist.
- Physically: Eat right and exercise. Try as hard as you can to lead a healthy “balanced” life.
- Make time for yourself – do something which makes you happy.
Add comment March 19, 2008
