The Power of Forgiveness

The forgiveness journey – how to make it happen

Our guest, Mark Rye is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College. Mark’s research interests are in the field of positive psychology. He has studied the impact of forgiveness on post-divorce adjustment and has developed and evaluated interventions designed to help divorced individuals forgive their ex-spouse.  Recently, he has become interested in how forgiveness of an ex-spouse relates to parenting approach.

In this informative and thought provoking interview we discuss what is forgiveness, and how to achieve it – so that angry thoughts do not hold you back from moving on.  We explore how forgiveness is a journey and how your thoughts, feelings and behavior can transform you.

This is a very powerful and forgiving program! If you have any questions about this topic, please email Mark Rye at mrye@skidmore.edu

More information and resources may also be found at the Fetzer Institute http://www.fetzer.org/resources

• Topics in this program include:
• Strategies for letting go of your anger
• What is forgiveness
• Understanding the forgiveness journey
• What does research show about the relationship between forgiveness of an ex-spouse and post-divorce adjustment?
• Forgiveness interventions
• What are some of the unique challenges that divorced individuals face with respect to forgiveness?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/divorces-collateral-damag_b_904553.html

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-s-collateral-damage/a/19942/2

Divorce’s Collateral Damage

“I need to stand by my brother; we can’t be friends any more.”

This is a moment Ashley had with her friend–and soon to be ex-sister-in-law. A bond nourished for over 23 years was broken. There were tears and hugs, but the closure was hard to accept. Why does divorce lead to this kind of moment over and over?

When some people are faced with a friend or family member who is going through divorce, it just seems easier not to have to take sides. For others, the relationship is severed because it was never really all that important. And there are people that try to maintain a relationship with both, and continue the link with grace.

Of course it’s not all just tears and hugs: Charlotte, who has been divorced for 5 years, told me she was relieved not to have to fake being nice to certain relatives and friends any more. But for others like Ashley, there can be a deep sadness at the loss of these relationships. Some individuals also experience an identity loss, as they are no longer welcome in certain social circles, invited to parties or know where to sit at their child’s soccer game.
How to get through

Jan Schloss, a social worker, certified parenting coach and family mediator, often discusses with her clients the issues related to the loss of these relationships.

There are different ways to look at it, says Schloss. These are loyalty issues, where many privately consider, “Who am I going to side with, and how can I be friends with both?”

One of the suggestions she makes to clients when confronting the loss is to “redefine who you are and how you would like to be in this new phase of your life.” And for those that think there may be a possibility of maintaining a relationship, Schloss says, “Remember, you are not divorcing your in-laws or extended family that you loved and felt clearly connected.”

There might be potential to continue that connection, but prepare yourself emotionally if you can’t.

Here are the top 5 things to consider when coming to terms with the loss of these relationship

You don’t have to grin and bear it alone
Seek the help of a professional to help you cope with grieving the loss of these relationships.

Find strength from other relationships
Divorce is a process; accept that there will be losses. Maintaining a positive outlook will help you stay strong and develop other fulfilling relationships.

Redefine who you are
Ask yourself, “Who am I?” and “What do I want out of life?” Shed the notion that you need to define yourself by who you were when married.

Eliminate negativity
Consistently taking about the loss of these relationships will drive people away; it means you have not moved on. Speaking negatively to your children about their extended family will make them feel that they are betraying you if they have a relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and you don’t want your children to feel like they have to keep secrets from you.

Put your children’s best interest first
If your children have had a positive and loving relationship with extended family and friends, it is important to keep up the connections because good relationships impact on how the children feel about themselves.

For some, divorce can feel like the beginning of a Cold War, with tension between two factions: your side and his. Divorce not only represents the uncoupling of a partnership, but can also result in the loss of other relationships, which were important to you while married. As the saying goes, time heals. Gradually, you will come to accept these losses and no longer feel the void.

This article first appeared on More.ca

The Smart Divorce® Resource Tool Kit is now available, order yours today– one easy phone call or email, to get this valuable resource.  It’s one of the  most comprehensive programs providing a full overview of the divorce process — and endorsed by judges, lawyers, and mental health professionals.  The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit will help you make smart decisions for you and your family – taking you through the entire divorce process, removing the mystery and misconceptions about the outcomes of divorce, how to cut down on your legal bills and so much more.

This comprehensive resource  provides an understanding of all aspects of the divorce process; helping you understand the two sides to your divorce – the “emotional divorce” and the “legal divorce”

Move through your divorce with focus, hope and confidence.

The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit makes the divorce process easy to understand, helping you to be strategic while making sound, smart decisions.  After all, information is knowledge and knowledge is power.

   Call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit. 

Included in The Smart Divorce Toolkit are tips, strategies and ideas, packaged as never seen before.  This smart toolkit comes with:

The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit is designed specifically to meet your needs — to help reduce stress, educate and inform you about the divorce process in a cost effective, easy to understand way. Guidance and information from leading family law lawyers, mental health professionals, and parenting experts well versed on the needs of those in the divorce process are included.  And, it’s put together in one smart package, making it uncomplicated, and effortless to understand.

The Tool Kit contains 4 CDs covering the myriad of issues, concerns and questions most people have about divorce – removing the mystery, complexity, and confusion about divorce.  Also included are Smart Guides which add another layer of detail to The Smart Divorce Audios, and provide a step by step plan for going through the divorce process.

The Smart Divorce Audios. 

These unique and informative CDs provide tips and strategies to help navigate this difficult time, educate listeners about the divorce process and provide practical information on getting through it with focus, hope and confidence.

• Audio 1 – The Emotional  Divorce
• Audio 2– The Legal Divorce
• Audio 3 – Smart Co-Parenting: Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First
• Audio 4 – Rebuilding Your Life Post Divorce

Smart Guides.

Tip sheets that support the information in the audios providing detail and understanding of the specific topic.

Smart Guides:

• Planning for a Smart Divorce
• Getting Your Finances Organized for Divorce
• Coping with the Stress of the Emotional Divorce
• Coping with Stress in a High Stress Environment
• Understanding Your Divorce Options
• Finding a Good Divorce Lawyer
• Smart Co-Parenting
• Living Separate and Apart
• Strengthening the Blended Family Bonds
• Divorce Financial Check List
• Understanding Marital Property Laws
• Important Financial Steps Required to Prepare for Divorce

Don’t delay, order your kit today

Call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit.

Is divorce always the outcome when there is conflict in the marriage?  Of course not, there are options to consider, and help available to put your marriage back on track.  This episode explores the role of marriage counseling, and the next steps required if the marriage results in divorce.  Once the decision to divorce is made, there are many considerations and issues to ponder.  Our guest, psychologist Dr. Robert A. Simon http://dr-simon.com/ provides us with tips and strategies for getting through the early days of separation with your sanity and dignity intact.

Topics in this program include:

• The benefits of marriage counseling
• Building your support network
• Finding a therapist
• Telling your children about divorce
• Emotional healing and coping strategies
• And so much more……..

To find out more click on the link:

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/i-think-my-marriage-is-over-what-should-i-do-now-the-smart-divorce/

http://www.eddylaw.com/articles.htm

What makes these articles unique is Mr. Eddy’s combined expertise as lawyer and social worker.  I interviewed Mr. Eddy for The Smart Divorce. What I found most fascinating is while he understands that  the emotional divorce and the legal divorce often get woven together; his strategies for dealing with personality disorder through this difficult time are exemplary.

If there is something more you would like me to explore in greater detail, please comment below.

The Smart Divorce® Workshop Series

These workshops are appropriate for individuals contemplating or already experiencing a divorce. Strategies for reducing financial costs and personal turmoil will be presented. Participants will learn what to expect legally and emotionally, and so be able to move through the process with confidence and focus while saving time and money. A subsequent session will address parenting issues, how to work with parenting experts more effectively, and available resources. Feedback from therapists and lawyers has indicated that The Smart Divorce Workshops have helped to prepare individuals for the process and make them better clients.

I have added two new workshops to the series called – Taking Control of Your Finances – with guest speakers Atsuko Hiroaka and Aaron Nimon, both Investment Advisors of BMO Nesbit Burns. The focus of these sessions is to help manage and effectively deal with your financial concerns; how to overcome your fears and understand the financial considerations as you work through the divorce process and postdivorce concerns.

Click on the link for more information: the-smart-divorce-workshop-f09-2-finr1

Program details:

The Smart Divorce: Learning the Basics – February 4, 2009

The Smart Divorce: Taking Control of Your Finances – February 11, 2009

with Guest Speaker, Investment Advisor – Aaron Nimon of BMO Nesbit Burns

The Smart Divorce: Parenting Through Divorce – February 18, 2009 2008

The Smart Divorce: Taking Control of Your Finances – February 25, 2009

with Guest Speaker, Investment Advisor – Atsuko Hiroaka of BMO Nesbit Burns

“Your seminar game the confidence I needed to start my divorce. I know what to do now and feel I’m not alone.” Dave C. Toronto

“I met a client who took your seminar today. An educated client makes this work so much easier!” Jacqueline Vanbetlehem, Mediator and Family Therapist in Oakville

Location: 12 Lawton Boulevard, Toronto (Yonge and St. Clair)

Registration Fee: $25 per workshop

Call The Smart Divorce at 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com

SPACES ARE LIMITED, CALL TODAY

I noticed in the early days of divorce, that if you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.

Give your self the opportunity to explore and

consciously make choices about the

life you want to lead.

Here are the top 5 things you need to think about so that you can achieve control and avoid the pitfalls which can undermine you after divorce.

1. Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
2. Will you have to move? If you do, think positive, perhaps this will give you a fresh start and way to begin life postdivorce – creating your better life.
3. Will you have to go back to work? If you have been out of the workforce for a while, consider retraining and look for opportunities which you are passionate about. What have you always wanted to do? Perhaps now is the time to break out and try something different. If you don’t need to work, consider volunteer work and/or pursuing some new interests and hobbies.
4. Develop your support network of new friends, family, clergy, a therapist or support groups.
5. Do what you can to have a positive outlook. By feeling good about yourself, you will be a better parent. Putting your children’s best interest first should be your first objective. Finding a way to manage your emotions privately, giving your children a sense of security and love will go a long way to help your children adjust though the divorce.

What happens when you can’t see beyond this stage of divorce and the possibility of ever finding happiness? You will be undermining yourself and unable to move forward. If you focus on the hurt you lose perspective; you lose a sense of the larger picture and how this new life can take shape. You need to develop a sense of purpose for yourself.

Don’t make the mistake of surrendering to your divorce by thinking, “It’s the end of life.” It may be the end of life as you know it, but the truth is you could actually develop a better life if you work at it!