Posts filed under 'divorce'
All alone on a Saturday night?
Feeling like the fifth wheel?
Many people at the beginning of their separation or divorce often feel abandoned or sidelined by their married friends. I tend to think of it as the fifth wheel bug. Don’t worry, it’s not something you catch but, the discomfort is there. The dynamics of socializing often change upon separation and divorce. While the situation of being the odd person out in a Noah’s Ark society – a couple’s world, is not uncommon, it can be unnerving. Suddenly single, it’s at this time in your life when you need the love and support of your friends like never before. It’s not that you are not welcome as a friend, it’s that you are no longer part of a couple.
I not only hear about this situation frequently from my clients and friends, but experienced this first hand when I first separated. Now, not every couple excludes the single person, but there are many who do. I’ve learned that this situation occurs mostly because of discomfort. It is easier to fit four or six around a table then three or five. Balanced, even. What you need to understand is that this not about you, it’s about the way your friends feel about your situation. It’s not that your friends are afraid of you fraternizing with their husband or wife, it’s that they are used to socializing with you as a couple or they feel uncomfortable being confronted with divorce.
We all know how emotional divorce can be. And, because of your turmoil and grieving it can also take over how you express yourself in a social setting. So imagine then, a couple(s) going out for dinner on a Saturday night, wanting to keep the evening conversation light and easy. While I’m sure many of your friends are extremely supportive, the last thing this couple wants to hear after a long week of work and their own stress is your anger, bitterness or sadness.
So, what do you do about this to build your confidence and life and deal with this situation?
- Make new single friends –ask your friends if they know of someone single to introduce you to, not for a romantic relationship but friendship.
- Go to a therapist – venting about this situation to friends will only alienate you from your friends.
- Build your support network – support groups, clergy, friends, therapist, and so on.
- Go to lectures or programs which are of interest. You can find many things to enjoy advertised in the paper or at your synagogue or church.
- Start doing things outside of your comfort level for entertainment; enjoy a movie on your own, go to the bookstore, enjoy an exhibit at a museum or art gallery. This can make you a more interesting person with experiences to share and have fun in the process.
- Recognize that this is going to happen. Don’t take it personally.
Add comment July 7, 2008
Making it Through Your Divorce
Take charge and you’ll feel better…..
I noticed in the early days of divorce, that if you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Give your self the opportunity to explore and
consciously make choices about the
life you want to lead.
Here are the top 5 things you need to think about so that you can achieve control and avoid the pitfalls which can undermine you after divorce.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Will you have to move? If you do, think positive, perhaps this will give you a fresh start and way to begin life postdivorce - creating your better life.
- Will you have to go back to work? If you have been out of the workforce for a while, consider retraining and look for opportunities which you are passionate about. What have you always wanted to do? Perhaps now is the time to break out and try something different. If you don’t need to work, consider volunteer work and/or pursuing some new interests and hobbies.
- Develop your support network of new friends, family, clergy, a therapist or support groups.
- Do what you can to have a positive outlook. By feeling good about yourself, you will be a better parent. Putting your children’s best interest first should be your first objective. Finding a way to manage your emotions privately, giving your children a sense of security and love will go a long way to help your children adjust though the divorce.
What happens when you can’t see beyond this stage of divorce and the possibility of ever finding happiness? You will be undermining yourself and unable to move forward. If you focus on the hurt you lose perspective; you lose a sense of the larger picture and how this new life can take shape. You need to develop a sense of purpose for yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of surrendering to your divorce by thinking, “It’s the end of life.” It may be the end of life as you know it, but the truth is you could actually develop a better life if you work at it!
Add comment July 3, 2008
Do I Keep or Sell the Matrimonial Home
Do I Keep or Sell the Matrimonial Home?
The question of what to do with the matrimonial home is frequently asked by clients in my consulting practice. What do they do, keep it or sell it?
The family home is an especially difficult consideration. For many, there are emotional ties, fond memories and the feelings of security. And the world around you assumes that in a divorce, the winner takes the home and the loser moves out. The truth is we all know that in divorce there should be no winner or loser because being smart about divorce means we try to avoid a war. But, while the home represent so much emotionally, it may not be the best asset for your financial security.
Here are some questions you need answered to help factor into your decision:
- Will your postdivorce income cover the costs to run your home?
- What is the outstanding mortgage?
- Why am I keeping it?
- Is it too much space, or just enough?
- If I decide to move, what are the associated selling and buying costs?
There is an interesting article I came across called “In Housing Slump, Breaking up is Hard to Do.” It refers to another consideration regarding the matrimonial home and that is, keeping the home in the divorcees hands until the slumping housing market recovers. For more details, see the article attached.in-housing-slumpfred-glassman
Consider these factors and any other items which are important to you and discuss them with the right experts when developing your postdivorce financial plan.
Add comment July 3, 2008
Childrens’ Bill of Rights from the……..
American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS
WHEN PARENTS ARE NOT TOGETHER
Every kid has rights, particularly when mom and dad are splitting up. Below are some things parents shouldn’t forget — and kids shouldn’t let them — when the family is in the midst of a break-up.
You have the right to love both your parents. You also have the right to be loved by both of them. That means you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It’s important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times such as a break-up of your parents.
You do not have to choose one parent over the other. If you have an opinion about which parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can’t work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.
You’re entitled to all the feelings you’re having. Don’t be embarrassed by what you’re feeling. It is scary when your parents break up, and you’re allowed to be scared. Or angry. Or sad. Or whatever.
You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you, tell someone — either your other parent or a trusted adult like a teacher.
You don’t belong in the middle of your parents’ break-up. Sometimes your parents may get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you’re just a kid, and that you can’t handle their adult worries. If they start putting you in the middle of their dispute, remind them that it’s their fight, not yours.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life. Even if you’re living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent’s side. You’ll always be a part of their lives, even if your parents aren’t together anymore.
You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn’t worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DON’T BLAME YOURSELF.
—-Special Concerns of Children Committee, March, 1998
Add comment May 21, 2008
A public rant gone awry….
Airing your laundry in public
Philip Smith was left hung to dry earlier this month when his wife, Tricia Walsh-Smith, aired her marital and divorce grievances on You Tube. While each side may have their issues with one another, for a while it was kept relatively private. But, with Ms. Walsh Smith’s recent You Tube video about the concerns she has with her husband and their divorce, public opinion is now weighing in with disbelief as to how these complaints were brought forward.
This is not the first time a celebrity or someone in the public eye has let their emotions rule their decision making only to have it backfire on them. While it might feel great in the moment to speak your mind, the feelings of relief often change to horror when you hear the reaction from the very same audience you were hoping to gain sympathy from. Perhaps it is best to keep your personal issues private, no matter how much you may want to seek revenge or validate your shame.
Articles about public displays of anger have been widely written about by the media. There are two articles I would like to draw your attention to these are:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070422.lbaldwinmain0423/BNStory/lifeFamily/home
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080416.wgtyoutube0416/BNStory/lifeMain
Public opinion to the way these celebrities acted out their frustration and anger was certainly not what they were anticipating. Damage control seemed to be next on the agenda. I’m sure there are many people who would like to air their grievances in public too — out of revenge sure to humiliate you soon to be or former spouse.
While it might feel good in the moment, think about the consequences of venting in public:
· The effect on your reputation.
· The effect on your relationship with you children and/or step children.
· The possibility of the rant being used against you in legal proceedings.
· The actions coming back to hurt you later on.
Here are some strategies to help you get through these emotionally difficult times:
- Write your thoughts down in a personal journal.
- Vent your feelings to a trusted family or friend.
- Speak with a therapist, clergy or other people in your support network.
- Vent your thoughts in a letter, don’t send it out – perhaps rip it up. This can be cathartic.
- If you are going to sign a pre or post nuptial agreement, ensure you get a legal opinion before you sign.
While interest in the You Tube video will soon become yesterday’s news as the public grows tired of this battle and becomes fascinated by some other family squabble, the significance of it will play out for a long time in many ways for this couple.
Use these lessons well. As much as you may want to vent and scream your personal issues via email, You Tube or some other communication vehicle, you don’t want a war of words coming back to haunt you. While you may have achieved your short term goal, in the long term, you might very well be sorry you let your emotions get the better of you.
Add comment April 27, 2008
Seeking closure…….
Seeking closure…….
to your marriage and starting on a new path towards divorce
There are no rituals, ceremonies or customs ending a marriage, as there are mourning the death of a loved one. However, many people are looking for a way to find closure, to mourn the end of their marriage.
I started thinking about symbolic ways to mourn the ending of a marriage because I was recently asked if I have ever heard of a Divorce Cake.
While I have never heard of anyone baking or serving divorce cake (this doesn’t mean no one has done this), there are some ideas which might help people to move on. While one might need a sense of humor to creatively use one of these tactics, there is definitely some merit to it.
In a recent article in The Globe and Mail newspaper I read about a coffin designed for wedding rings. I thought this an out of the ordinary idea, as it implies burying the past, mourning the past and then moving on.
I received an email from a lawyer who told me of a client who insisted on walking her divorce petition down to the courthouse and filing it herself. She said she went down to get the marriage application and wants now to be part of the unwinding process. I thought this idea to be brilliant. This was a woman taking control of her life.
There are people who throw divorce parties, mail out or email notices of their divorce. Interesting concepts too. The thing to remember is, you don’t want to show anger, bitterness or remorse. You certainly don’t want to offend your friends, make them feel uncomfortable or create a mockery of yourself. Use this as an opportunity for closure and healing.
But, back to the cake. I thought, what could that recipe for divorce cake be?
How about -
I dash of focus (on how you would like your life to unfold)
2 sprinkles of hope
and lots of confidence (for enabling yourself to achieve the life you envision).
All of this achieved by doing research, asking questions and accepting that this is an emotional time – and dealing with your emotions.
Divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grow from. Use these lessons well.
Add comment April 15, 2008
Hear Deborah on “Guy Talk”
Hear Deborah talk about
The Smart Divorce on “Guy Talk”
Have you hear about the new radio show on Newstalk 1010 CFRB, “Guy Talk”? You can hear it live on Sunday evenings from 10 pm-11pm.
Guy Talk is a radio show that deals with psychological issues which modern men face. The underlying premise of Guy Talk rests in the question: Why Won’t Men Grow Up? The creator/hosts of Guy Talk are Dale Curd and Owen Williams.
I’ve been invited to speak about The Smart Divorce and dealing with the many issues surrounding divorce and relationships on May 4, 2008. Tune in and feel free to call in with your views at 416 872 1010. Although this show is targeted towards men, women are invited to call in as well. I would be interested in hearing your perspective as we discuss the many issues divorcees are confronted with.
Add comment April 14, 2008
