Posts filed under ‘moving on post-divorce’
How to Find the Smarter, Sexier You Post-Divorce
As I began to rebuild my life post-divorce, I slowly realized that I had embarked on an adventure to some mysterious destination, yet to be determined. I was evolving from what I once was, as part of a couple, to being single, and the transition was fraught with both fear and excitement.
I felt awkward when I turned up at social events unescorted. I would laugh and pretend to be happy. But when people asked me about life and work, I could sum up a whole year in five minutes. If I threw in the details of my divorce, well, that could have lasted five hours. But that would have been a good way to isolate myself even further, as very few people want to discuss divorce at a party. I knew I was a good mother, a person with lots of interests, a loyal friend. But I felt different, rattling around in society with nothing to ground me in the events I was a part of.
I soon realized that I had choices, and it was up to me to build a good life post-divorce. I could choose to be a victim, or choose to move on. By opening myself up to new experiences, and being open minded, I learned that divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grown from. Life is certainly different as a single woman in my fifties than it was when I was single in my twenties. I now have a sense of who I am. Responsibilities and worries that I never thought about are now a reality. I am much more mature, realistic, and comfortable with where I am in life. Introspection, and a desire to heal emotionally helped me to achieve this perspective. I consider myself to be very fortunate. Not only do I have three amazing children and an extremely supportive family, but also an incredible group of dynamic friends. I certainly did not have such a rich life when I separated. I gained it through a lot of hard work and a desire to be content and happy.
I now embrace my life with open arms. The difficulty I now have is reconciling who I am today with who I was during and even before my marriage. I now have long, straight hair, when before I had short, curly hair. There are fine lines around my eyes. I’ve changed. The changes are more than just physical, however. I have had so much more life experience. Not only am I learning to settle into the new me, but my parents, siblings and friends have had to adapt too. They find it interesting to relate to this newly reflective, assertive, smart, sensitive, and, dare I say, sexy woman.
As I reflect back, there were a number of things I did that helped me work through this transformation; strategies that helped me to get where I am today.
Here are the five things that can help you find the smarter, sexier me:
Move outside your comfort zone. Try new activities; get out there and socialize. You are not going to meet people by sitting at home alone.
Pursue your interests and passion. Connect with people who share the same hobbies and positive outlook. Do you want to become a runner, a potter, a great cook? Weave these activities into your life, and learning -you’ll marvel at how your life is changing and becoming more fun.
Work on your inner beauty. Feeling good about yourself and who you’ve become, will attract people into your life who have a similar positive outlook and energy
Include your married friends into your activities. Let them see the new you, and what you have to offer — an interesting, stronger, happier and independent person.
Be your own role model. Strive to become the type of person you admire. Make a list of the attributes you most respect, and do what you need to get there.
Above all, it’s important for you to think of yourself not just as a newly single person, or parent, but as someone who is so much more. A worker, a friend, a volunteer there are so many roles that you can play. You need to weave these other roles into your definition of yourself.
You know, I find most people’s perspective on divorce and how a divorcée should feel to be interesting. Many people have said to me, “Oh, you’re divorced; I’m sorry.” And my response has always been, “Don’t be sorry; I’m happy.” Living happily ever after–it’s not just my experience. I know many others who have achieved the same goal.
Copyright ©2011 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.
Originally published on The Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-to-find-the-smarter-s_b_893458.html
The importance of dealing with your emotional baggage
Midlife Divorce: Blame It On Your Parents?
Your parents’ divorce might be setting the stage for your own. This article recently appeared on The Huffington Post. I would love to hear your thoughts
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/midlife-divorce-blame-it-_b_884795.html
Shannon*, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her “aha” moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce. She married her husband because he “completed” her — masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love.
It wasn’t until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents’ divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5 years old.
eeking a rescue, not a relationship
Shannon considered her husband a real catch. She thought her knight in shining armor cared about her every move. He guided her through life, managed the finances and left all aspects of parenting to her.
In fact, this perfect partner repeated the patterns and disillusionments experienced in childhood. Shannon experienced controlling and emotionally abusive behavior, jealousy and an uninvolved husband. She felt this was ok: She’d grown up fearing abandonment and deflecting anger from her stepmother.
You see, when Shannon’s parents divorced, her mother left, with what seemed like no concern for her (the truth revealed many years later in adulthood when she regained a relationship with her mother); her father remarried, but this union did not provide her with the love and nurturing she so desperately needed. What happened in childhood then, has a significant impact on how romantic relationships are handled now, as an adult.
Although many children are resilient, and grow up thinking of themselves as just regular kids, not children of divorce, there are some children who are impacted emotionally in the long term. When a parent abandons a child, that child often believes that there was something wrong with him–or herself–and carries this belief into adulthood.
While the lack of a relationship with a parent can have a significant impact on romantic relationships for a child later in life, there is a debate amongst researchers on this topic. Some say, these individuals are affected for life. Others feel that with work, an individual can learn to come to terms with it, heal and develop rich and successful romantic partnerships.
According to Dr. Michelle Mitcham, a professor of counseling and a divorce expert, an individual’s self esteem is affected because they feel rejected. The loss of the parental relationship due to divorce results in a lack of trust.
“People have different cognitions [beliefs], and this leaves certain behaviors. If your cognition is on some level, I’m a bad person, or I’m not worthy, or at some level there is something that you think you did to deserve it, the lines get blurred. What messages are you giving yourself, even if they are subliminal?”
Dr. Mitcham helps her patients regain their self-esteem and trust, so that they are able to develop a positive outlook, and healthy romantic relationships. She helps her patients cope with the loss of a parent or a fragmented relationship with the parent, and to heal by working on these 5 significant messages.
1. Look to your family of origin for answers.
It is important to resolve any issues that could be playing out in your relationship and are undermining it. For instance, people get into a relationship looking for things that they were missing growing up. If the relationship looks attractive, individuals may leap into it hoping for nurturing and love for themselves without taking the time to really get to know the other person. Slow down and get to know prospective partners.
2. Stop repeating the same relationship mistakes.
People often marry, or get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. They are looking to feel complete, because they haven’t resolved things in the past. Many times, they don’t feel that they are worthy. Then they find themselves in an unfulfilling relationship, not really sure why they are giving into that relationship. Figure out what you are looking for, and love yourself — you are worthy of love and respect, and worthy of a healthy relationship.
3. You don’t have to be less of who you are to be in a good relationship.
Write out the ideal relationship: What you need in someone that you are compatible with. You’ll know that you are leaning towards a good relationship when you don’t have to be less of who you are in that relationship. You have to feel complete and feel like you have to stand on your own two feet before you can be happy in that relationship. The other person doesn’t complete you because they are not the answer to your unresolved issues.
4. Normalize your feelings.
Uncover your issues and find out what you didn’t receive growing up. Then you can fix it and move forward, because you understand the why, and how this changes your reactions. Remember you’re not alone: Other people feel this way too.
5. Develop introspection and understanding.
You might want to work with a therapist or do some journaling to help you think through the issues, and what you need to do to fix them. Bottom line is you need to know that you are worthy of love and worthy of a nurturing relationship, and figure out what exactly that looks like to you.
If you rush into a relationship without understanding where you were, then you won’t know where you are going. Take time to understand what you have been through and why. There is hard work that needs to be done. While you may have lost a close loving relationship with a parent, you need to come to terms with that, and develop a loving relationship with yourself.
When you move in a positive direction from what you are used to, you very likely will feel some anxiety. Embrace it. It may sound clichéd but it’s true: You have to truly love yourself, before you can really love someone else.
* the name has been changed.
This article is exclusive More.ca
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/midlife-divorce-blame-it-on-your-parents/a/33856/3
Moving from Our Home to My Home
New on The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio
Moving into a new residence upon separation or divorce can be difficult. Hear Deborah’s interview with interior decorator, Deirdre Dyment about how she works with her decor clients during this transition.
Deirdre Dyment is an interior designer who believes in designing an overall experience at home that leaves you spiritually energized and equipped to live your life passionately. Deirdre knows all too well, there’s much more involved in leaving the matrimonial home than packing a suitcase and signing a lease. When she separated from her husband in 2007, she, unusually, helped him get set up in his new place, from stripping the floors and painting the walls to measuring and ordering furniture. They also got their two kids involved in creating their bedrooms.
The experience has since motivated Dyment to launch a novel service – post-divorce decorating – that assists in feathering the nests of newly single men in particular, whether it’s coordinating their renovations or sourcing and installing art to enliven their empty walls.
Topics in this program include:
• What are the different things can be done to make transition easier and less disruptive for children
• The emotional strain of leaving the family home; where to live, how much to spend and do you rent or purchase
• Creating an environment that will inspire and get the individual that has moved excited about the next chapter of their life
• Creating a space that reflects your personality and happiness
To listen to this interview and learn your own design ideas click on the link below
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/moving-from-our-home-to-my-home/
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Getting through divorce while saving time, money – and your sanity.
Introducing The Smart® Divorce Resource Toolkit
The Smart Divorce® Resource Tool Kit is now available, order yours today– one easy phone call or email, to get this valuable resource. It’s one of the most comprehensive programs providing a full overview of the divorce process — and endorsed by judges, lawyers, and mental health professionals. The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit will help you make smart decisions for you and your family – taking you through the entire divorce process, removing the mystery and misconceptions about the outcomes of divorce, how to cut down on your legal bills and so much more.
This comprehensive resource provides an understanding of all aspects of the divorce process; helping you understand the two sides to your divorce – the “emotional divorce” and the “legal divorce”
Move through your divorce with focus, hope and confidence.
The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit makes the divorce process easy to understand, helping you to be strategic while making sound, smart decisions. After all, information is knowledge and knowledge is power.
Call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit.
Included in The Smart Divorce Toolkit are tips, strategies and ideas, packaged as never seen before. This smart toolkit comes with:
The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit is designed specifically to meet your needs — to help reduce stress, educate and inform you about the divorce process in a cost effective, easy to understand way. Guidance and information from leading family law lawyers, mental health professionals, and parenting experts well versed on the needs of those in the divorce process are included. And, it’s put together in one smart package, making it uncomplicated, and effortless to understand.
The Tool Kit contains 4 CDs covering the myriad of issues, concerns and questions most people have about divorce – removing the mystery, complexity, and confusion about divorce. Also included are Smart Guides which add another layer of detail to The Smart Divorce Audios, and provide a step by step plan for going through the divorce process.
The Smart Divorce Audios.
These unique and informative CDs provide tips and strategies to help navigate this difficult time, educate listeners about the divorce process and provide practical information on getting through it with focus, hope and confidence.
- Audio 1 – The Emotional Divorce
- Audio 2– The Legal Divorce
- Audio 3 – Smart Co-Parenting: Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First
- Audio 4 – Rebuilding Your Life Post Divorce
Smart Guides.
Tip sheets that support the information in the audios providing detail and understanding of the specific topic.
Smart Guides:
- Planning for a Smart Divorce
- Getting Your Finances Organized for Divorce
- Coping with the Stress of the Emotional Divorce
- Coping with Stress in a High Stress Environment
- Understanding Your Divorce Options
- Finding a Good Divorce Lawyer
- Smart Co-Parenting
- Living Separate and Apart
- Strengthening the Blended Family Bonds
- Divorce Financial Check List
- Understanding Marital Property Laws
- Important Financial Steps Required to Prepare for Divorce
Don’t delay, order your kit today
Call 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com to get your copy of The Smart Divorce Resource Toolkit.
Finding Happiness During Divorce
Finding Happiness During Divorce is the new program on The Smart Divorce with Deborah Moskovitch featuring Susan Pease Gadoua. Isn’t it time you find your happiness?
Our guest, Susan Pease Gadoua is the founder and Executive Director of the Transition Institute of Marin, specializing in meeting the needs of separating and divorcing men and women. We explore the importance of understanding your own needs, how to find your happiness, and the meaning of loving yourself. It’s an enlightening and engaging conversation, tune in to learn how to find the power of happiness.
- The meaning of happiness
- What it means to love yourself, to be open to loving and healthy relationships
- Preparing yourself emotionally for a great relationship
- Why people get stuck in relationship traps – and being with the same personality type
- Avoiding the relationship trap mistakes and downfalls
- The risk of a rebound relationship
Click here to liste:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/finding-happiness-during-divorce/
Finding your Authentic Self, Happiness and Moving On
A new show from The Smart Divorce has just been posted. Tune in to hear our guest Hanna McDonough.
Our guest, Hanna McDonough, is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Psychotherapist (www.hannatherapy.com). Ms. McDonough shares her wisdom on finding the best in yourself, and delves into relationships and what’s important – is it sex, money? And, what are the differences between men and women and they way each values a relationship. We explore the gamut in topics and – learn about living your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.
Topics in this program include:
- The value of a therapist: how to find a good therapist, when to stay and when to go
- Understanding a verbally abusive relationship
- Exploring transformative therapy
- How to keep your marriage HOT
- Putting children first
To listen to the podcast, click on the link
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/finding-your-authentic-self-happiness-and-moving-on/
Divorcing? Put your kids’ best interests first As they head back to school.
It’s tough enough for kids to go back to school – and it’s even harder for the children of parents who are separated or divorcing. Kids may worry that their lives will change dramatically or that they will be forced to move away. Toss in the butterflies that come with a new school year, and your child may be more stressed than you realize.
Here are 5 key things parents can do make the transition back to school easier, when everything else about the family is in transition.
- Talk to your child about what they’re feeling. Divorce can affect a child’s behavior, well-being and even academic achievement. Look for signs of depression, withdrawal, or behavior and other issues. And, be sure to talk to your child about what they’re feeling. There are resources available if you or your child need professional help (Catholic Services, Jewish Family & Child Services, Parents without Partners, Rainbows, Up to Parents, a therapist for you or your child)*. Help your children overcome these symptoms, and get them the help they need.
- Reassure your child you love him/her. . It is natural for a child to worry if he is loved or if he was somehow to blame for the divorce. Ensure your child knows he is not to blame – and that he is very loved
- Make time to answer her questions. Your child may have a ton of questions that she is dying to know. Set aside time for those questions, perhaps during or following your child’s favourite activity. You can always start the ball rolling if they are quiet: “If I were you, I’d want to know where I will be living….”
- Try and maintain a normal afterschool schedule. Just because your child’s home life is different doesn’t mean his school life has to be. Ensure he is participating in the activities he wants to, over worries about cutting into “mom’s time” or “dad’s time.” The goal is to put your child’s best interest first.
- Get involved and share the excitement. There is much to do to get your kids ready for school — from buying school supplies and clothes, to dentist and doctor appointments. Show your kids you both care and divide up the responsibilities and help them get ready for back to school. You and your former spouse want to send a message that you are both looking forward to the coming year and want your child to do well.
- Develop a parenting to ensure routine, structure and stability. Your parenting plan should include: a schedule of when and where your child will live, pickup times and locations, where they are on PD days, holidays, and so on. The goals of the parenting plan are to encourage the children’s relationship with both parents and protect them from any parental conflict.
Reduce your child’s stress and anxiety. An effective parenting plan will give your child a sense of control over their lives when so much will feel out of control. It will also help them know their whereabouts, to give them reassurance, when making plans with their friends, establishing study schedules and routines.
Get your kids off to a great school start. Try to diminish the family conflict, work at maintaining your relationships, and send out positive messages. By taking time to listen to your child and creating a plan that puts your child’s needs first, you will help them transition through a very stressful time and into the new academic year.
* Jewish Family & Child Services - http://www.jfandcs.com/
Parents without Partners - http://www.pwptoronto.com/
Rainbows http://www.rainbows.org/
Up to Parents – http://www.uptoparents.org/
To find a therapist – http://www.cpso.on.ca/docsearch/
When women are better off divorced
Divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grow from. While it may be an ending to your marriage, it can be a new beginning to a fulfilling life.
An article appeared in the Toronto Sun talking about how some celebrities have shown strength during the divorce process, and have moved on valiantly.
I offer some tips in that article how to get your groove back, and move on to a better life post-divorce.
“Showing the world your happy face won’t only keep
the less sympathetic tabloids at bay, it could actually
change your whole perspective.”
Click on the link to view the full article.
http://www.torontosun.com/life/2010/08/27/15159681.html#/life/2010/08/27/pf-15159681.html
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