Posts filed under ‘Divorce information’
How to deal when friends take sides in a split
My latest post in the Huffington Post, which first appeared on more.ca
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/divorces-collateral-damag_b_904553.html
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/divorce-s-collateral-damage/a/19942/2
Divorce’s Collateral Damage
“I need to stand by my brother; we can’t be friends any more.”
This is a moment Ashley had with her friend–and soon to be ex-sister-in-law. A bond nourished for over 23 years was broken. There were tears and hugs, but the closure was hard to accept. Why does divorce lead to this kind of moment over and over?
When some people are faced with a friend or family member who is going through divorce, it just seems easier not to have to take sides. For others, the relationship is severed because it was never really all that important. And there are people that try to maintain a relationship with both, and continue the link with grace.
Of course it’s not all just tears and hugs: Charlotte, who has been divorced for 5 years, told me she was relieved not to have to fake being nice to certain relatives and friends any more. But for others like Ashley, there can be a deep sadness at the loss of these relationships. Some individuals also experience an identity loss, as they are no longer welcome in certain social circles, invited to parties or know where to sit at their child’s soccer game.
How to get through
Jan Schloss, a social worker, certified parenting coach and family mediator, often discusses with her clients the issues related to the loss of these relationships.
There are different ways to look at it, says Schloss. These are loyalty issues, where many privately consider, “Who am I going to side with, and how can I be friends with both?”
One of the suggestions she makes to clients when confronting the loss is to “redefine who you are and how you would like to be in this new phase of your life.” And for those that think there may be a possibility of maintaining a relationship, Schloss says, “Remember, you are not divorcing your in-laws or extended family that you loved and felt clearly connected.”
There might be potential to continue that connection, but prepare yourself emotionally if you can’t.
Here are the top 5 things to consider when coming to terms with the loss of these relationship
You don’t have to grin and bear it alone
Seek the help of a professional to help you cope with grieving the loss of these relationships.
Find strength from other relationships
Divorce is a process; accept that there will be losses. Maintaining a positive outlook will help you stay strong and develop other fulfilling relationships.
Redefine who you are
Ask yourself, “Who am I?” and “What do I want out of life?” Shed the notion that you need to define yourself by who you were when married.
Eliminate negativity
Consistently taking about the loss of these relationships will drive people away; it means you have not moved on. Speaking negatively to your children about their extended family will make them feel that they are betraying you if they have a relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, and you don’t want your children to feel like they have to keep secrets from you.
Put your children’s best interest first
If your children have had a positive and loving relationship with extended family and friends, it is important to keep up the connections because good relationships impact on how the children feel about themselves.
For some, divorce can feel like the beginning of a Cold War, with tension between two factions: your side and his. Divorce not only represents the uncoupling of a partnership, but can also result in the loss of other relationships, which were important to you while married. As the saying goes, time heals. Gradually, you will come to accept these losses and no longer feel the void.
This article first appeared on More.ca
How you can forgive your ex-spouse
Forgiveness and letting go are topics that often arise in my divorce consulting practice. The individuals who were “wronged” either through betrayal, shattered promises, or a whole host of other reasons want an apology. Many feel that having a sense that justice has been done will ease the emotional trauma. But, the truth is, an apology or restitution is unlikely to happen. Even when apologies happen, offended parties tend to perceive them as less complete and sincere than they ought to be.
I hear:
“He had an affair, he was wrong, and I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness.”
“He promised we would spend the rest of our lives together, and now he’s leaving? I hate him; he deserves nothing!”
And the extreme, “I’m going to cut his !@#$ off, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, only to be in pain for the rest of his life -just like Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband.”
To read the full article, click on the link
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-you-can-forgive-your-_b_870705.html
Grey Divorce is on the Rise
Recent statistics show that the divorce rate has increased significantly by couples who have been in long term marriages of 20, 30 years or more. Just look at Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Tipper and Al Gore. People seem to be scratching their heads asking, if these couples have made their marriage work this long, why couldn’t they last “till death do us part”.
The result isn’t really all that shocking when you consider the reasons why couples marry have changed over the past 50 years, and that divorce has become more socially acceptable. What men and women are looking for in a spouse and their expectations of a long term relationship has changed. Women wanted someone to take care of them, men wanted to be in a position of power. Today, as more women become financially independent, looking to be taken care of is no longer what many are seeking. Rather, both women and men want an equal partnership in the relationship, and a best friend.
I was interviewed on Canada AM this morning discussing Grey Divorce. This is the information I shared.
- Research shows us that more woman are leaving the marriage than men.
- Often times when women choose to leave, their husband’s are blindsided by the decision.
- Further, research tells us that more women are leaving for their own emotional well-being, while men are more likely to leave for someone else.
- We are living longer, healthier, fitter lives. When adult children leave home, and their parents become empty nesters, you have many spouses in their 50’s and 60’s looking at their partner and say to themselves – “I don’t want to spend the next 20 or 30 years or more with you.” Why?
- People have decided to no longer look the other way when there are issues of infidelity, emotional abuse, and substance or alcohol abuse.
- Many couples have drifted apart during the child rearing years, and once the children have left home, find they no longer have anything in common.
- Often times, many of these couples were living parallel lives during the marriage, and now want a partner, not a roommate.
- There has been a lack of emotional and intimate relations.
- People have grown apart and their values no longer mesh.
- Many of these individuals want a best friend and companion with similar interests and values to live out the rest of their lives; grow old and hold hands.
If you feel your marriage, or relationship is deteriorating because you are no longer the priority, have lost that loving feeling and still love your partner – you’re just not in love with him or her, then perhaps marriage counseling might put you back on track.
If you feel that divorce is the only option, you are not alone. Many others are deciding that the” good enough marriage” is no longer good enough.
Finding the best attorney for your divorce
Tune in to this very informative program on Divorce Source Radio.
In this program we revisit the first step when considering a divorce, selecting the proper attorney for your divorce.
Our guests include renowned Michigan Family Law Attorney and Divorce Source Radio Legal Correspondent, Henry Gornbein and from Toronto, Deborah Moskovitch, a professional Divorce Consultant and author or The Smart Divorce and host of The Smart Divorce Radio show.
Topics discussed will include:
- How to go about selecting the proper attorney?
- Should you hire the first attorney you visit or shop around for an attorney?
- What to expect in your initial consultation with a prospective attorney
- Questions to ask a potential attorney
- Watch for attorneys who bring you in with unreasonable expectations or perpetuate conflict
- We’ll discuss Mediation and Arbitration. Are they the less confrontational form or divorce?
- And much more
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/finding-the-best-attorney-for-your-divorce/
How Women Can Avoid Making Serious Financial Mistakes Before, During and After Divorce
Tune into the Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio to hear this very informative interview with financial strategist, Jeff Landers. Although Jeff’s clients are women, the information contained in this interview is helpful for men as well.
Our guest, Jeffery Landers advocates for women. Jeff is a Divorce Financial Strategist and the founder of Bedrock Divorce Advisors, LLC, a divorce financial strategy firm that exclusively works with women, who are going through, or might be going through, a financially complicated divorce. Jeff reviews the Top 6 Serious Financial Mistakes Women Make. But, men can learn some valuable lessons here as well. Jeff advises “put your emotions on the side and think financially.”
Topics in this program include:
- The top 6 serious financial mistakes made during divorce
- The important steps to organize your finances and maintain control
- Preparing for your financial future
- Financial considerations to ensure long term financial stability
- How to avoid divorce settlement mistakes
- Divorce proofing your business
Click on the link to hear Jeff share help you through the finances of divorce:
Divorce: It’s All About Control
Tune into the Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio to hear this very informative interview with lawyer, Stacy Phillips.
Stacy D. Phillips, is a celebrity divorce lawyer extraordinaire. She is the author of the best-selling book Divorce: It’s All About Control How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars http://www.controlyourdivorce.com); a certified family law specialist, and founder and the managing partner of Phillips Lerner & Lauzon LLP (http://www.plljlaw.com/Bio/StacyPhillips.asp. In this exclusive interview Stacy offers advice on how to cope with losing control and avoid common divorce battles.
Topics in this program include:
- An overview of the anatomy of control
- Managing and coping with control
- Dealing with the emotional, psychological and legal wars
- What’s a good client; and working more effectively with your lawyer
- The major divorce considerations and what to think about
- Fighting just to win, is it worth it?
- How to deal with an inflexible ex
Click on this link to hear about managing and overcoming the control
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/divorce-its-all-about-control/
Parent Alienation Awareness – Exploring the depths of despair of a targeted parent
Through a frank conversation about life and book, The Look of Love (http://www.thelookoflovebook.com/index.html), Jill Egizii tells the story of a bitter divorce which rages into full scale warfare, and how the father uses the children as ammunition. Is the shield of a mother’s love enough to save her children? Or is it already too late. We explore the effects of parent alienation on the family; the children, and the targeted parent. This is a heart wrenching interview, in which Jill Egizii shares her personal experience of being a targeted parent which ultimately caused her to lose a close and loving relationship with her children. Jill has put her heart and soul into helping others cope through the annihilation of a formerly positive relationship with one’s children.
Topics in this program include:
- An explanation and awareness of Parent Alienation Syndrome
- How to recognize the signs of being a targeted parent
- Support systems available for the alienated parent
- Steps parents should take if they think they are being alienated from their children
- The personal story of an alienated parent, who details her losing battle to save the relationship she once had with her children.
To listen click on the link
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