The Smart Divorce® Weblog » anger

Moving Out and Moving On: Overcoming Domestic Violence

The Smart Divorce — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 01:48:25 +0000

Our guest, Sharon Zarozny of Brilliant Exits (http://www.brilliantexits.com/) shares her personal story of overcoming the trauma she experienced as a victim of Domestic Violence and abuse. Domestic Violence can happen to anyone, and Sharon was hard pressed to believe that this was happening to her. Fact was, as an educated woman who’d traded in a successful career to be a stay at home mom, there was no wayshe and her daughters were the “victims” of that ugly phrase “domestic violence.” Sharon’s family had the trappings of a privileged life thanks to her husband’s thriving surgical practice. He was a brilliant Ivy League grad. It just didn’t add up.

If you can identify, get a copy of Susan Weitzman’s book Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages or check out nottopeoplelikeus.com. Knowing you are not alone is so crucial to getting out. In your world that swirls with “unreals” and craziness, you’ll find this book/site a gift of validation. You’ll know you are not crazy.

Also visit The Weitzman Center and download the free Care Kit provided. It too will help you understand and safely plan for when you are ready to get out. And plan you must. When you leave a high earning, narcissistic professional you can be in for quite a rough ride through the legal system. Often the upscale abuser has the means, power and leverage to hire a legal dream team and use the courts to further the abuse.

To learn more about Sharon’s story, read her article that appeared in The Huffington Post:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sharon-zarozny/are-you-brave-enough-to-l_b_837390.html

To hear this important interview click on the link below

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/overcoming-domestic-violence-moving-out-and-moving-on/

Filed under: anger, divorce, Divorce Source Radio, Domestic Violence, Helping Children, Marriage and divorce, moving on post-divorce, Radio Show, The Smart Divorce Radio Show Tagged: huffington post, legal dream team, victim of domestic violence

Forgiveness: How to Let Go

The Smart Divorce — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 19:46:14 +0000

The Power of Forgiveness

The forgiveness journey – how to make it happen

Our guest, Mark Rye is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College. Mark’s research interests are in the field of positive psychology. He has studied the impact of forgiveness on post-divorce adjustment and has developed and evaluated interventions designed to help divorced individuals forgive their ex-spouse. Recently, he has become interested in how forgiveness of an ex-spouse relates to parenting approach.

In this informative and thought provoking interview we discuss what is forgiveness, and how to achieve it – so that angry thoughts do not hold you back from moving on. We explore how forgiveness is a journey and how your thoughts, feelings and behavior can transform you.

This is a very powerful and forgiving program! If you have any questions about this topic, please email Mark Rye at mrye@skidmore.edu

More information and resources may also be found at the Fetzer Institute http://www.fetzer.org/resources

Topics in this program include:
Strategies for letting go of your anger
What is forgiveness
Understanding the forgiveness journey
What does research show about the relationship between forgiveness of an ex-spouse and post-divorce adjustment?
Forgiveness interventions
What are some of the unique challenges that divorced individuals face with respect to forgiveness?

To listen in to this informative interview, click on the link below:

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/the-power-of-forgivness/

Filed under: anger, Conflict, divorce grievances, Divorce Source Radio, emotions of divorce, Forgiveness, grieving, Happiness, healing post divorce; moving on, mourning divorce; mourning marriage, moving on post-divorce, Radio Show, strategies to help overcome emotions, strategies to overcome anger, The Smart Divorce Radio Show

Mistakes We Make During Divorce and How to Avoid Them

The Smart Divorce — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 22:48:21 +0000

This time the spots are switched, I’m interviewed by my c o-host Steve Peck on his show, Divorce Source Radio. Tune in to hear the mistakes often made during divorce.

Divorce is an extremely emotional time in our life and under stress, we don’t always make the right choices.

The legal system is confusing and frightening and we sometimes let our anger get the best of us creating a battle with our soon to be ex that can last a lifetime and affect the lives of our children and our finances.

In this episode, DSR host Steve Peck, speaks with Divorce Consultant and author of The Smart Divorce, Deborah Moskovitch on how to avoid costly mistakes during divorce.

Listening to this show if you are new to the process of divorce can save you thousands of dollars in legal expenses, the relationship with your children and your sanity.

Click on the link below to hear the interview, to save time, money– and your sanity.

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/mistakes-we-make-during-divorce-and-how-to-avoid-them/

Filed under: anger, best interests of the children, Borderline Personality Disorder, children, Conflict, Deborah Moskovitch, dispute resolution, divorce, Divorce considerations, divorce consultant, divorce options, Divorce resources, Divorce Source Radio, emotions of divorce, financial considerations, mediation, mourning divorce; mourning marriage, Narcissistic personality disorder, negotiation, parenting, Radio Show, Steve Peck, strategies to help overcome emotions, Stress and divorce, Telling children about divorce, the children's best interest

Divorce Pranks: You Might Think its Funny, Will the Judge?

The Smart Divorce — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 03:10:07 +0000

Divorce pranks: You might think it’s funny, but the judge won’t laugh

ZOSIA BIELSKI

Enlarge this image

Divorce pranks: You might think it’s funny, but the judge won’t laugh

ZOSIA BIELSKI

From Friday’s Globe and Mail

Published Thursday, Aug. 18, 2011 5:24PM EDT

It was with great reluctance that Dany Larivière hauled away the boulder he’d gleefully dumped on his ex-wife’s driveway just a day earlier.

Plucked from a quarry and lugged by front-end loader in the dead of night Monday, the 20-ton rock was spray-painted with fluorescent orange birthday wishes for “Isa,” then topped with a pink bow.

“She never had a rock big enough for her tastes, now she has one,” Mr. Larivière quipped to the local paper in St-Théodore-d’Acton, Que., where he is also mayor.

The prank got international attention and earned Mr. Larivière possible mischief and harassment charges – another ugly turn in his lengthy, acrimonious split from former wife Isabelle Prévost.

“I thought of Sisyphus as I read the story,” said Harold Niman, a family lawyer with Niman Zemans Gelgoot. “It’s part of the ongoing struggle that one of the people is having with their perceived wrongs, within the marriage or within the judicial system or otherwise. This is them acting out in the only way they know how to, and it’s not something they’re going to be contrite about later.”

While boulder dumping may be a unique tactic (Mr. Larivière owns an excavation company), divorce “pranks” are all too common.

“Couples who are going through a divorce process are quite often temporarily insane,” says family lawyer Phil Epstein of Epstein Cole. “It’s the worst time in their lives and sometimes the pressure gets to them and they do things they wouldn’t normally do.”

Like taking hammers and screwdrivers to a spouse’s car when it is discovered “in a compromising position,” parked in front of the mistress’s house, Mr. Epstein says.

“People have taken chainsaws to inanimate objects,” the lawyer offers casually, adding that others prefer to strew their exes’ lawns with garbage or play hide-and-seek with precious items.

“Another favourite of course is what we call death by credit card,” Mr. Epstein says. “Right after separation, somebody hasn’t cancelled the

credit card and the other spouse goes on a tear, so you’ll see [bills from] European Jewellery, Chanel.” Then there’s the spousal-support cheque: Many spouses will scribble vulgarities on the cheque, which the ex must then endorse to get the money. Some are more inventive: “I’ve seen people staple spiders to a support cheque – a tarantula,” says Mr. Epstein.Wine is another tool in spousal warfare, especially since the wine lover may have been forced to move out, leaving the cellar behind temporarily.

“I’ve heard of people with such rage that they go downstairs to the cellar, steam off all the labels and then mix up the bottles,” says McCarthy Tétrault family lawyer Stephen Grant. “If you think you’re drinking a $30 bottle of Côtes du Rhône and it turns out you’re drinking a $300 Château Lafite with hamburgers one night instead of filet, it’s quite upsetting.”

Mr. Niman recalls a wine-collecting husband who returned from a tryst to find his wife in the street, emptying his bottles down a sewer grate. “Not quite as bad as cutting off his penis, I suppose, but I guess it’s figuratively doing that, isn’t it?” says Mr. Niman.

While Mr. Larivière’s boulder stunt has been widely treated as a gag, the recipient rarely sees it that way.

“They see this as an invasion of privacy, that their spouse is unhinged,” says Mr. Epstein. “It makes them … ask the question: ‘If you dump a rock on my property, what else are you capable of doing?’ ”

Mr. Larivière’s three-year split from his wife has seethed with animosity: Ms. Prévost had harassed him, threatening to report him to tax authorities unless he gave her cash payments and real estate, he said. She, meanwhile, accused the mayor of physical and verbal abuse and said she feared for her two children when Mr. Larivière won joint custody after the couple finally divorced last year.

“This story is a powerful example of how family litigation can leave an enduring legacy of bitterness, despite the outcome,” says Victoria Smith, a collaborative lawyer and mediator. “This is not a joke – this was retribution, this was a public humiliation of the wife, despite the fact that the court case ended last year and the husband won joint custody.”

As for the couple’s children, a 12-year-old boy and a nine-year-old girl, “Imagine them waking up to find a boulder in their mother’s driveway, their driveway,” says Ms. Smith.

So why do spouses do it?

“The party that is pranking really feels like they are the victim. They’re not getting the vindication they’re looking for,” particularly in the division of assets, says Deborah Moskovitch, divorce consultant and author of The Smart Divorce.

According to mediator and divorce coach Deborah Mecklinger, betrayal is the main motivator, “whether that’s having done away with all of the family’s funds or absconding for another person.” She says the mayor’s much-celebrated ruse was the “ultimate power play.”

“It represented what a person who has a sense of limits may fantasize about but not put into action,” she says, adding: “Clearly it touches a place that many people imagine and wish that they could go to with their ex.”

But while pranks can bring temporary euphoria to the mischievous spouse, they can also have dire consequences for litigation and spousal support.

“All these things typically backfire. They’ll look very bad to a judge,” says Mr. Grant, who urges his clients to take the high road.

Ms. Mecklinger agrees, saying: “When somebody ups the ante, get out of the ring.”

So which is the more vindictive of the sexes? None of the experts wants to say.

“I don’t think anybody has the monopoly on that,” Mr. Niman offers. “The saying ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ is probably no longer accurate. It’s hell hath no fury like a spouse scorned.”

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/love/divorce/divorce-pranks-you-might-think-its-funny-but-the-judge-wont-laugh/article2134193/

Filed under: anger, Conflict, Deborah Moskovitch, emotions of divorce, Newspaper articles, rage

How you can forgive your ex-husband

The Smart Divorce — Wed, 25 May 2011 15:49:07 +0000

Letting go of a spouse’s transgressions isn’t easy. Here are 5 ways to move on.

By:: Deborah Moskovitch

Forgiveness and letting go are topics that often arise in my divorce consulting practice. The individuals who were “wronged” either through betrayal, shattered promises, or a whole host of other reasons want an apology. Many feel that having a sense that justice has been done will ease the emotional trauma. But, the truth is, an apology or restitution is unlikely to happen. Even when apologies happen, offended parties tend to perceive them as less complete and sincere than they ought to be.

I hear:

“He had an affair, he was wrong, and I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness.”

“He promised we would spend the rest of our lives together, and now he’s leaving? I hate him; he deserves nothing!”

And the extreme, “I’m going to cut his !@#$ off, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, only to be in pain for the rest of his life – just like Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband.”

To read the full article click on the link

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/how-you-can-forgive-your-ex-husband/a/35594

Filed under: anger, Deborah Moskovitch, emotional divorce, emotions of divorce, Forgiveness, healing post divorce; moving on, Magazine articles, More magazine, More.ca article, strategies to help overcome emotions

Divorce: It’s All About Control

The Smart Divorce — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 23:26:38 +0000

Tune into the Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio to hear this very informative interview with lawyer, Stacy Phillips.

Stacy D. Phillips, is a celebrity divorce lawyer extraordinaire. She is the author of the best-selling book Divorce: It’s All About Control How to Win the Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars http://www.controlyourdivorce.com); a certified family law specialist, and founder and the managing partner of Phillips Lerner & Lauzon LLP (http://www.plljlaw.com/Bio/StacyPhillips.asp. In this exclusive interview Stacy offers advice on how to cope with losing control and avoid common divorce battles.

Topics in this program include:

An overview of the anatomy of control
Managing and coping with control
Dealing with the emotional, psychological and legal wars
What’s a good client; and working more effectively with your lawyer
The major divorce considerations and what to think about
Fighting just to win, is it worth it?
How to deal with an inflexible ex

Click on this link to hear about managing and overcoming the control

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/divorce-its-all-about-control/

Filed under: anger, attorneys, Conflict, Deborah Moskovitch, dispute resolution, divorce, Divorce considerations, Divorce information, Divorce resources, Divorce Source Radio, lawyers, radio interview, Radio Show, The Smart Divorce Radio Show

Breaking up, a 5 part series

The Smart Divorce — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:41:31 +0000

Nothing is in this world is perfect, and certainly not the legal system. There are gaps in the system. The challenge is to work beyond the gaps…….as one lawyer once told me, the legal system was designed for criminals and, divorce is not a criminal act. So, given that perspective, I hope you can see why you should try to stay out of court. Of course, there are always exceptions, and at times, one has no choice but to litigate.

There was a 5 part series in the Toronto Star, investigating some of the issues people are confronted with when dealing with the legal system. What ever the issues, the bottom line is, there are problems, and that requires reforming the system.

I’ve attached links to the articles which may be of interest to you, my readers. While you might not agree with everything in these articles, it certainly will make you pause and think………the reality is, divorce is a life changing event, and we need to view this as a process, not a crisis. And, as I heard a lawyer so wisely say:

Divorce is a problem to be solved,

not a war to be won.

Here are the links to the articles:

Divorced dads can’t catch a break http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/704075–divorced-dads-can-t-catch-a-break

The good divorce http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705130–the-good-divorce

Kids hard hit in nasty divorces http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705251–kids-hard-hit-in-nasty-divorces

Grandparents go to court for access to grandkids

http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705808–grandparents-go-to-court-for-access-to-grandkids

Where separation occurs without anxiety http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/706400–where-separation-occurs-without-anxiety

Of course, I always like to have the last word and comment. My published letter to the editor, in response to the article entitled “Divorced dads can’t catch a break”, is below.

What’s the delay on shared custody?

Re: Breaking up: Family courts in crisis, Series

There are gaps in the legal system, leading to both fathers and mothers feeling that they are being treated unfairly. But, the real victims are the children who are losing out on a loving relationship with both parents, because of their parents’ conflict – who are too consumed with fighting each other, ignoring what’s in their children’s best interest.

Parents need to work together for the sake of the children, not against each other for vengeance, control and destruction of their ex partner.

Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant, Author, “The Smart Divorce”

Posted in anger, attorneys, best interests of the children, children, Conflict, custody and access, Deborah Moskovitch, dispute resolution, divorce, divorce grievances, emotions of divorce, estrangement, lawyers, legal divorce, litigation, newspaper, Newspaper articles, parent alienation, revenge

The Smart Divorce Workshop Series – Space Still Available

The Smart Divorce — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 11:52:36 +0000

The Smart Divorce® Workshop Series

These workshops are appropriate for individuals contemplating or already experiencing a divorce. Strategies for reducing financial costs and personal turmoil will be presented. Participants will learn what to expect legally and emotionally, and so be able to move through the process with confidence and focus while saving time and money. A subsequent session will address parenting issues, how to work with parenting experts more effectively, and available resources. Feedback from therapists and lawyers has indicated that The Smart Divorce Workshops have helped to prepare individuals for the process and make them better clients.

I have added two new workshops to the series called – Taking Control of Your Finances – with guest speakers Atsuko Hiroaka and Aaron Nimon, both Investment Advisors of BMO Nesbit Burns. The focus of these sessions is to help manage and effectively deal with your financial concerns; how to overcome your fears and understand the financial considerations as you work through the divorce process and postdivorce concerns.

Click on the link for more information: the-smart-divorce-workshop-f09-2-finr1

Program details:

The Smart Divorce: Learning the Basics – February 4, 2009

The Smart Divorce: Taking Control of Your Finances – February 11, 2009

with Guest Speaker, Investment Advisor – Aaron Nimon of BMO Nesbit Burns

The Smart Divorce: Parenting Through Divorce – February 18, 2009 2008

The Smart Divorce: Taking Control of Your Finances – February 25, 2009

with Guest Speaker, Investment Advisor – Atsuko Hiroaka of BMO Nesbit Burns

“Your seminar game the confidence I needed to start my divorce. I know what to do now and feel I’m not alone.” Dave C. Toronto

“I met a client who took your seminar today. An educated client makes this work so much easier!” Jacqueline Vanbetlehem, Mediator and Family Therapist in Oakville

Location: 12 Lawton Boulevard, Toronto (Yonge and St. Clair)

Registration Fee: $25 per workshop

Call The Smart Divorce at 905 695 0270 or email info@thesmartdivorce.com

SPACES ARE LIMITED, CALL TODAY

Posted in alternative dispute resolution, anger, arbitration, attorneys, best interests of the children, child support, children, Collaborative family law, collaborative law, custody and access, Deborah Moskovitch, dispute resolution, divorce, divorce workshops, emotional divorce, finances, financial considerations, lawyers, legal divorce, litigation, matrimonial home, mediation, mental health professionals, negotiation, organization, parenting, parenting plan, parenting support, smart divorce, strategies to organize your files, strategies to overcome anger, The Smart Divorce, understandning divorce, workshops

Seeking Help in a Physically Abusive Situation

The Smart Divorce — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 15:24:40 +0000

What to do when there is domestic violence

The issue of domestic violence is extremely serious and far too complex to be covered in a few short paragraphs in this blog. I do not want to treat it lightly, and I am not an expert on the topic. However, I do think it is important to know the available resources. If you are living in this terrible circumstance, then the stakes of your divorce are that much higher, the physical and emotional pain that you face is far greater, and the need for a support system to help you through this time and maintain your sanity is that much more urgent. You can reach out to mental health professionals, support organizations, and the courts for assistance in helping you seek safety.

- Mental health professionals. Look for someone who has training and competency in working with the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse. You may find someone with the appropriate training and understanding through your lawyer or family doctor.

- Women’s shelters. If you are in an abusive, violent relationship, you may seek refuge in a shelter for a period of time.

- The court system. You can use the courts to obtain a restraining order or a no contact order.

Help for Victims of Domestic Violence

National Domestic Violence Hotline

www.ndvh.org

(800) 799-7233

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is a not-for-profit organization that provides crisis intervention, information, and referrals to victims of domestic violence, perpetrators, friends, and families. The hotline answers a variety of calls and is a resource for domestic violence advocates, government officials, law enforcement agencies, and the general public. NDVH serves as the only domestic violence hotline in the United States and has access to more than five thousand shelters and domestic violence programs across the United States, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

Shelternet

www.shelternet.ca

Shelternet is a Canadian national not-for-profit charitable organization committed to working toward the prevention of violence against women and their children. Shelternet is dedicated to decreasing barriers faced by women accessing help online, and to increasing the technological capacities of shelters for abused women and their children. The site contains special sections on topics such as understanding abuse, finding shelter, and abuse and children.

Other ways to seek help: To find help in your local area via the Internet, use a search engine such as Google (www.google.com) to look up phrases such as “assaulted women’s hotline,” “domestic violence,” “family violence,” “abusive situations,” and “shelters” along with the name of your city or area.

Call 911 or your local police if you are in immediate danger.