Posts filed under ‘divorce grievances’
Forgiveness: How to Let Go
The Power of Forgiveness
The forgiveness journey – how to make it happen
Our guest, Mark Rye is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College. Mark’s research interests are in the field of positive psychology. He has studied the impact of forgiveness on post-divorce adjustment and has developed and evaluated interventions designed to help divorced individuals forgive their ex-spouse. Recently, he has become interested in how forgiveness of an ex-spouse relates to parenting approach.
In this informative and thought provoking interview we discuss what is forgiveness, and how to achieve it – so that angry thoughts do not hold you back from moving on. We explore how forgiveness is a journey and how your thoughts, feelings and behavior can transform you.
This is a very powerful and forgiving program! If you have any questions about this topic, please email Mark Rye at mrye@skidmore.edu
More information and resources may also be found at the Fetzer Institute http://www.fetzer.org/resources
- Topics in this program include:
- Strategies for letting go of your anger
- What is forgiveness
- Understanding the forgiveness journey
- What does research show about the relationship between forgiveness of an ex-spouse and post-divorce adjustment?
- Forgiveness interventions
- What are some of the unique challenges that divorced individuals face with respect to forgiveness?
Is Your Home Broken?
I wrote this article for The Huffington Post. It really touched a nerve with readers as it encouraged a significant number of comments, even to my email account. Please feel free to join in, and submit your comments to this blog.
Thank you,
Deborah
My home is run down, but it’s not broken…
The legal community and researchers often define divorce matters in technical terms: custodial parent, custody, access, primary residence, amongst others. I understand the reasons behind those terms, which help to describe and label the concepts in the legal arena to eliminate confusion. But a term that is often used, and in my mind, has little rationale, is “broken home.” In today’s society, there are so many different configurations of a “family” unit. But, when it comes to defining a family run by a single parent as “broken,” I wonder, where is the break? Perhaps I’m sensitive, but I don’t consider my children to be growing up in a “broken home.” When I talk to my children, we call ourselves a family, without any negative connotations, because that is what we are.
Many of my divorce consulting clients are so full of fear that their kids will be stigmatized because of their divorce, and worried that people will whisper behind their backs, “those children come from a broken home.” So I help them reframe their thinking and encourage them to banish those thoughts by sharing details about my own home as an example. We look at the physical and emotional aspects of my home.
The cabinet door in my kitchen has fallen off the hinge, the hot water tank just burst, the fridge door won’t close properly and, I need a new roof. Yes, my home is in need of physical repair, but it certainly does not need emotional repair–and there is nothing that can’t be fixed.
You wouldn’t believe how this way of thinking resonates with so many.
The reality is, we should not compare ourselves to more “traditional” families with two parents living at home. Divorce may change a family’s structure, but it’s still a family. All families–so-called “traditional” families and the rest of us–have challenges, no matter how our living arrangements are configured.
If you are able to change your perspective of what “family” is, your children’s outlook will be positive as well. As a parent, our challenge is to make life work for our kids. We need to ensure they don’t perceive themselves as disadvantaged or as “children of divorce.” They need to think of themselves as just regular kids.
I feel confident as a single parent. I may be a bit more frazzled than someone in a home with two parents living there, but that’s because of the practical everyday exigencies of life with three active children (and who really knows what goes on behind closed doors? Just because there are two parents, does that always mean both parents share all the responsibilities? Don’t compare!) When I glimpse into families with two parents living at home, my home often appears to be working wonderfully well.
Despite an incredible amount of multitasking and juggling, I’ve had to find creative ways to meet my children’s needs, which seem to converge at the same time, like having to be in two places at the same time. But, while I do it all on my own and don’t have a partner to share the responsibility, I find ways to make it work: carpooling, encouraging a child’s independence by walking or riding a bike to their activity. And, I can’t shirk my own responsibilities –I run a business, manage my personal affairs, and make time for “me.” So while I might be a bit more stressed, my children are growing up in a healthy and loving environment.
It’s a well known fact that effective parenting is paramount, especially when parents are separated; the need to maintain routine, structure and rules should be non negotiable no matter if there are one or two parents living at home. I have house rules, set curfews (although I have been a bit lax at times), my children must get their homework done, and I’m always there to kiss them goodnight and listen to their worries.
If you still consider a divorced family to be “broken” then think about a few things:
How about a family where both parents are living together, but constantly fighting?
Or, a family where both parents live together but one parent is never at home? Always working, always away on weekends and never around for the kids.
What about blended families? Does blending suddenly unbreak “broken homes”?
What about the blended families where the culture is more like oil and water?
So, what do my kids think of our family? A happy and loving household, a close knit family unit, and a life full of hope and promise.
Copyright ©2011 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.
To read all the comments to this post, click on the link below.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/is-your-home-broken_b_888255.html
How you can forgive your ex-spouse
Forgiveness and letting go are topics that often arise in my divorce consulting practice. The individuals who were “wronged” either through betrayal, shattered promises, or a whole host of other reasons want an apology. Many feel that having a sense that justice has been done will ease the emotional trauma. But, the truth is, an apology or restitution is unlikely to happen. Even when apologies happen, offended parties tend to perceive them as less complete and sincere than they ought to be.
I hear:
“He had an affair, he was wrong, and I want him to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness.”
“He promised we would spend the rest of our lives together, and now he’s leaving? I hate him; he deserves nothing!”
And the extreme, “I’m going to cut his !@#$ off, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, only to be in pain for the rest of his life -just like Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband.”
To read the full article, click on the link
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-you-can-forgive-your-_b_870705.html
Grey divorce is on the rise — Huffington Post
Recent statistics show that the divorce rate has increased significantly amongst couples who have been in long term marriages of 20, 30 years or longer. Just look at Tipper and Al Gore, Kurt and Martha Schrader, Cameron Crowe and Nancy Wilson, Sumner Redstone and Phyllis Gloria Raphael, are some couples that spring to mind. People seem to be scratching their heads and asking, if these couples have made their marriage work this long, why couldn’t they last “till death do us part.
To read the full article in The Huffington Post, click on the link below:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/post_2054_b_865942.html
Coping with the personality disordered spouse
Our guest, Emily Brown, is Director of Key Bridge Therapy & Mediation Center in Arlington, VA. (http://www.affairs-help.com/) works with couples, individuals, and families regarding the underlying issues in marriage, divorce, and betrayal. Battles over custody and related issues that are fueled by a personality disordered spouse can be the most frustrating of all wars. The judges regularly get conned by the personality disordered spouse who makes nice in front of the judge; the other spouse who is angry and upset appears to be the problem. Emily has worked with a number of these cases, trying to extricate the victimized spouse – and overcoming the frustration which many experience. Tough cases, but she likes the challenge.
Topics in this program include:
- Insight into personality disorder
- How to deal with a persistent blamer, and managing within the legal system
- How to help children when their parent is personality disordered
- Finding the help you need to cope
- The purpose of child custody evaluations with a personality disordered ex spouse.
Click on the link to hear the full interview
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/coping-with-the-personality-disordered-ex-spouse/
The anatomy of an affair
Tune into The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio, to hear our guest Emily Brown explore affairs, and share her research and wisdom.
Our guest, Emily Brown, is Director of Key Bridge Therapy & Mediation Center in Arlington, VA. (http://www.affairs-help.com/); works with couples, individuals, and families regarding the underlying issues in marriage, divorce, and betrayal. An extramarital affair is one of the most painful experiences that couples face, and one of the greatest challenges for helping professionals. Whether you are seeking assistance in your personal life or you are professional seeking information to better help clients, this is the show that provides the wisdom and guidance so many need. Emily is the author of Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment, and Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, and numerous articles on affairs.
Topics in this program include:
- An in-depth look at the 6 different Affairs
- How to rescue a marriage if there has been an Affair
- Affair recovery: the process and insight
- Debunking the myths and misconceptions about Affairs
- Rebuilding trust
- How to talk to your children about the Affair
To hear this informative interview, click on the link
Breaking up, a 5 part series
Nothing is in this world is perfect, and certainly not the legal system. There are gaps in the system. The challenge is to work beyond the gaps…….as one lawyer once told me, the legal system was designed for criminals and, divorce is not a criminal act. So, given that perspective, I hope you can see why you should try to stay out of court. Of course, there are always exceptions, and at times, one has no choice but to litigate.
There was a 5 part series in the Toronto Star, investigating some of the issues people are confronted with when dealing with the legal system. What ever the issues, the bottom line is, there are problems, and that requires reforming the system.
I’ve attached links to the articles which may be of interest to you, my readers. While you might not agree with everything in these articles, it certainly will make you pause and think………the reality is, divorce is a life changing event, and we need to view this as a process, not a crisis. And, as I heard a lawyer so wisely say:
Divorce is a problem to be solved,
not a war to be won.
Here are the links to the articles:
Divorced dads can’t catch a break http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/704075–divorced-dads-can-t-catch-a-break
The good divorce http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705130–the-good-divorce
Kids hard hit in nasty divorces http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705251–kids-hard-hit-in-nasty-divorces
Grandparents go to court for access to grandkids
Where separation occurs without anxiety http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/706400–where-separation-occurs-without-anxiety
Of course, I always like to have the last word and comment. My published letter to the editor, in response to the article entitled “Divorced dads can’t catch a break”, is below.
What’s the delay on shared custody?
Re: Breaking up: Family courts in crisis, Series
There are gaps in the legal system, leading to both fathers and mothers feeling that they are being treated unfairly. But, the real victims are the children who are losing out on a loving relationship with both parents, because of their parents’ conflict – who are too consumed with fighting each other, ignoring what’s in their children’s best interest.
Parents need to work together for the sake of the children, not against each other for vengeance, control and destruction of their ex partner.
Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant, Author, “The Smart Divorce”
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