Posts filed under 'custody and access'
It’s back to school:developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
· birthdates
· school schedules
· other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
· Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
· Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
· It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
· It’s up to you to take the initiative.
· Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
· Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
· Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship
with your children:
· Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
· As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
Add comment August 28, 2008
Custody and Access - what’s the difference?
The terms custody and access have been getting a lot of attention in the media recently because of the open court room of the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook trial.
It’s amazing how many clients have come to my office questioning the difference between custody and access for their children. There is a significant difference and it’s important to understand what they mean to help you with planning your child’s best interests when it comes to decision making and visitation.
The Globe and Mail ran an interesting article today on the evidence parents use when it comes to a battle – which is something you would rather avoid.
Click on this link to read the article:exhibit-a-his-3rd-grade-diorama-tralee-pearce1
What’s the difference?
Parents have both rights and responsibilities concerning their children. They must make decisions regarding their children’s health, education, and religion; support their children financially; and provide their children with a home. During the divorce process, however, the terms used to describe these rights and responsibilities can get confusing. Concepts often get mixed up, and definitions vary. As a result, parental expectations can become unclear.
In addition, the legal terms used by the lawyers, judges, and other professionals can sound so cold and clinical that they are difficult to hear. The experts may not refer to you as “parents” but as your children’s “decision makers.” Instead of discussing the time you have to spend with the kids, they may talk about “access.” I have never ever heard parents refer to their parental authority or to time with their kids in such detached ways. Nonetheless, it is important to understand these terms.
Custody
Custody refers to who has the legal authority to make decisions regarding a child’s health, education, religion, and so forth. Generally speaking, custody does not establish residential status or access (visitation rights); those specifics are usually determined by the parenting plan (described below)
Joint custody means that both parents retain legal decision-making authority. If parents with joint custody have a problem coming to a decision about the child’s best interests, this can be resolved by a parenting expert such as an arbitrator or parenting coordinator.
Sole or full custody means that only one parent is given decision-making authority over the children, usually because it would be too difficult for the parents to make these decisions together. Needless to say, if you have sole custody, you must be especially careful to act in the best interests of your children.
The Parenting Plan
The parenting plan is an agreement between divorcing parents that clearly defines how each is to continue caring for his or her children following a separation. The goals of the parenting plan are to encourage the children’s relationship with both parents and to protect the children from parental conflict. It can also be used as an intervention tool to help parents disengage from one another. Parents often fear losing control or being controlled, and a specific, structured plan can help quell those feelings.
The parenting plan provides a comprehensive schedule of each parent’s access to the children, outlines his or her co-parenting responsibilities, and establishes his or her role in parental decision making. The particulars of the plan depend on the relationship between the former spouses, each parent’s relationship with his or her children, and, of course, the children’s needs. It can be very detailed, and it may address questions.
The parenting plan can configure the residential arrangement in a variety of ways. In some families, children split their time fifty-fifty between their mother’s home and their father’s. In other cases, the children live most of the time at one parent’s home, which is called the primary residence; that parent is called the primary residential parent. The other parent, called the secondary residential parent, may have the children on select weekends and perhaps one day a week, and maybe on alternating holidays. There are, of course, many different ways to configure parental responsibility, and there is no right or wrong method.
Divorce is the dissolution of the legal contract between a married couple. It means the transforming of a family, not the ending of a family. When parents separate, it is better to think of the family as reorganized instead of broken. Everyone still needs each other. How parents handle the changes that occur because of the reorganization will have a direct effect on how well the children and parents fare after the separation. While change is often difficult, it doesn’t have to be destructive. It makes sense to get psychological support during such trying times. There are a lot of mistakes that don’t have to happen if parents are informed of the best way to solve their issues.
Add comment July 15, 2008
