Posts filed under ‘Conflict’
Find a Problem Solving Divorce Attorney, Not a Conflict Creator
Our guest on The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source radio , Mark Baer (http://www.markbaeresq.com) is a family law attorney, mediator, and collaborative law practitioner in Pasadena, California and has been practicing for twenty years. He received a great deal of media attention regarding his opinions that the family law system in the United States destroys families and his views on better and more constructive ways of handling such matters. His articles have appeared in Forbes, The Los Angeles Daily Journal and Valley Lawyer Magazine. Columnists from the Pasadena Star-News, the Los Angeles, Times and other newspapers use Mark as a resource for their columns.
Problem solving is a hallmark of a good lawyer. We explore this outlook and learn what you need to consider when looking for a lawyer. To learn more, Mark has written the must read article Things to Consider in Order to Select an Attorney Who is a Problem Solver and Not a Conflict Creator (http://www.markbaeresq.com/Pasadena-Family-Law-Blog/2011/September/Things-to-Consider-in-Order-to-Select-an-Attorne2.aspx)
Topics in this program include:
- What is a problem solving lawyer
- What is a problem creator lawyer
- Finding your problem-solving lawyer
- How to look for a mediator that’s right for you
- Problems with lawyers and the legal system
To listen in click on this link
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/find-a-problem-solving-divorce-attorney-not-a-conflict-creator/
Forgiveness: How to Let Go
The Power of Forgiveness
The forgiveness journey – how to make it happen
Our guest, Mark Rye is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College. Mark’s research interests are in the field of positive psychology. He has studied the impact of forgiveness on post-divorce adjustment and has developed and evaluated interventions designed to help divorced individuals forgive their ex-spouse. Recently, he has become interested in how forgiveness of an ex-spouse relates to parenting approach.
In this informative and thought provoking interview we discuss what is forgiveness, and how to achieve it – so that angry thoughts do not hold you back from moving on. We explore how forgiveness is a journey and how your thoughts, feelings and behavior can transform you.
This is a very powerful and forgiving program! If you have any questions about this topic, please email Mark Rye at mrye@skidmore.edu
More information and resources may also be found at the Fetzer Institute http://www.fetzer.org/resources
- Topics in this program include:
- Strategies for letting go of your anger
- What is forgiveness
- Understanding the forgiveness journey
- What does research show about the relationship between forgiveness of an ex-spouse and post-divorce adjustment?
- Forgiveness interventions
- What are some of the unique challenges that divorced individuals face with respect to forgiveness?
Divorce Pranks: You Might Think its Funny, Will the Judge?
Divorce pranks: You might think it’s funny, but the judge won’t laugh
ZOSIA BIELSKI
Divorce pranks: You might think it’s funny, but the judge won’t laugh
ZOSIA BIELSKI
From Friday’s Globe and Mail
Published Thursday, Aug. 18, 2011 5:24PM EDT
It was with great reluctance that Dany Larivière hauled away the boulder he’d gleefully dumped on his ex-wife’s driveway just a day earlier.
Plucked from a quarry and lugged by front-end loader in the dead of night Monday, the 20-ton rock was spray-painted with fluorescent orange birthday wishes for “Isa,” then topped with a pink bow.
“She never had a rock big enough for her tastes, now she has one,” Mr. Larivière quipped to the local paper in St-Théodore-d’Acton, Que., where he is also mayor.
The prank got international attention and earned Mr. Larivière possible mischief and harassment charges – another ugly turn in his lengthy, acrimonious split from former wife Isabelle Prévost.
“I thought of Sisyphus as I read the story,” said Harold Niman, a family lawyer with Niman Zemans Gelgoot. “It’s part of the ongoing struggle that one of the people is having with their perceived wrongs, within the marriage or within the judicial system or otherwise. This is them acting out in the only way they know how to, and it’s not something they’re going to be contrite about later.”
While boulder dumping may be a unique tactic (Mr. Larivière owns an excavation company), divorce “pranks” are all too common.
“Couples who are going through a divorce process are quite often temporarily insane,” says family lawyer Phil Epstein of Epstein Cole. “It’s the worst time in their lives and sometimes the pressure gets to them and they do things they wouldn’t normally do.”
Like taking hammers and screwdrivers to a spouse’s car when it is discovered “in a compromising position,” parked in front of the mistress’s house, Mr. Epstein says.
“People have taken chainsaws to inanimate objects,” the lawyer offers casually, adding that others prefer to strew their exes’ lawns with garbage or play hide-and-seek with precious items.
credit card and the other spouse goes on a tear, so you’ll see [bills from] European Jewellery, Chanel.” Then there’s the spousal-support cheque: Many spouses will scribble vulgarities on the cheque, which the ex must then endorse to get the money. Some are more inventive: “I’ve seen people staple spiders to a support cheque – a tarantula,” says Mr. Epstein.Wine is another tool in spousal warfare, especially since the wine lover may have been forced to move out, leaving the cellar behind temporarily.
“I’ve heard of people with such rage that they go downstairs to the cellar, steam off all the labels and then mix up the bottles,” says McCarthy Tétrault family lawyer Stephen Grant. “If you think you’re drinking a $30 bottle of Côtes du Rhône and it turns out you’re drinking a $300 Château Lafite with hamburgers one night instead of filet, it’s quite upsetting.”
Mr. Niman recalls a wine-collecting husband who returned from a tryst to find his wife in the street, emptying his bottles down a sewer grate. “Not quite as bad as cutting off his penis, I suppose, but I guess it’s figuratively doing that, isn’t it?” says Mr. Niman.
While Mr. Larivière’s boulder stunt has been widely treated as a gag, the recipient rarely sees it that way.
“They see this as an invasion of privacy, that their spouse is unhinged,” says Mr. Epstein. “It makes them … ask the question: ‘If you dump a rock on my property, what else are you capable of doing?’ ”
Mr. Larivière’s three-year split from his wife has seethed with animosity: Ms. Prévost had harassed him, threatening to report him to tax authorities unless he gave her cash payments and real estate, he said. She, meanwhile, accused the mayor of physical and verbal abuse and said she feared for her two children when Mr. Larivière won joint custody after the couple finally divorced last year.
“This story is a powerful example of how family litigation can leave an enduring legacy of bitterness, despite the outcome,” says Victoria Smith, a collaborative lawyer and mediator. “This is not a joke – this was retribution, this was a public humiliation of the wife, despite the fact that the court case ended last year and the husband won joint custody.”
As for the couple’s children, a 12-year-old boy and a nine-year-old girl, “Imagine them waking up to find a boulder in their mother’s driveway, their driveway,” says Ms. Smith.
So why do spouses do it?
“The party that is pranking really feels like they are the victim. They’re not getting the vindication they’re looking for,” particularly in the division of assets, says Deborah Moskovitch, divorce consultant and author of The Smart Divorce.
According to mediator and divorce coach Deborah Mecklinger, betrayal is the main motivator, “whether that’s having done away with all of the family’s funds or absconding for another person.” She says the mayor’s much-celebrated ruse was the “ultimate power play.”
“It represented what a person who has a sense of limits may fantasize about but not put into action,” she says, adding: “Clearly it touches a place that many people imagine and wish that they could go to with their ex.”
But while pranks can bring temporary euphoria to the mischievous spouse, they can also have dire consequences for litigation and spousal support.
“All these things typically backfire. They’ll look very bad to a judge,” says Mr. Grant, who urges his clients to take the high road.
Ms. Mecklinger agrees, saying: “When somebody ups the ante, get out of the ring.”
So which is the more vindictive of the sexes? None of the experts wants to say.
“I don’t think anybody has the monopoly on that,” Mr. Niman offers. “The saying ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ is probably no longer accurate. It’s hell hath no fury like a spouse scorned.”
One Man’s Exploration into His Multiple Divorces
Digging Deep……and interview with Boyd Lemon on The Smart Divorce
In this episode of The Smart Divorce, our guest is Boyd Lemon, a retired lawyer, who reinvented himself as a writer, discusses his memoir Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages. This memoir is written with brutal honesty about the process of coming to understand himself and the failure of his marriages. Boyd’s coming of age as a highly paid lawyer provides insight into the Mad Man like excesses of the seventies.
Topics in this program include:
- Mistakes and lessons learned from each marriage and three divorces
- How the children were affected by each divorce
- Sex, drink and rock n’ roll – the impact on marriage and divorce
- The importance of introspection
- Exploring the relationships of ex wives
To listen, click on the link
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/one-mans-exploration-into-his-multiple-divorces/
How to avoid blended family break ups
Blending families without thought are one of the most common reasons for marriages to fail. This article appeared on The Huffington Post and more.ca
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-to-avoid-the-blended-_b_917761.html
Do you remember The Brady Bunch? Mike Brady marries Carol Martin; they each bring into this second marriage three children (three boys, three girls), and this blended family of eight live happily ever after. And don’t forget Alice, the live-in housekeeper, keeping it all together and running smoothly. Little conflict, lots of love, and always fun.
But alas, that was the early 70s. It was a time of love, light and humanity. Four decades later, people still yearn for love, but we’ve become a fast food culture where decisions are made at lightening speed, and consequences are an afterthought.
Case in point: my friend Annie. Divorced for seven years and raising two children on her own, she was at a New Year’s dinner party when she met Gary, who had been divorced for three years with two children. Eleven months later, after an incredible whirlwind relationship, they were in the judges’ chambers exchanging wedding vows. Within 30 minutes a new family unit was formed. Sounds wonderful, but the Brady Bunch union it was not.
When Annie and Gary pledged to be together forever, a new family dynamic was thrust upon their children. The children now became step-siblings, barely knew each other, and were used to different households. This was not one big happy family; there was conflict, chaos and frustration. The children did not get along well, were used to different sets of house rules, study habits, and different monthly allowances.
Sandy Shuler, a social worker and certified Canadian family educator in Calgary (http://www.familylifeworks.ca), advises clients that when blending a family, the first thing they should do is not to have preconceived ideas and unrealistic expectations about what the family is going to look like.
“Every family is unique in terms of the way it looks and the way it operates. Expecting that there is going to be an instant connection and bonding situation when there are children involved can lead to disappointment and challenges,” Shuler says. “Just because the adults are thrilled about the idea of merging does not mean that the children are, so the adults need to go into the situation realistically with their eyes wide open.”
Shuler advises couples act proactively, and tackle issues before blending the family: “Prior to blending, go to a counselor and finding out what the likely hot spots are going to be.” (If money might be a hot spot – and it probably will be – here’s what to consider about blended family finances.)
New family relationships require time to form, making patience key. “It can take up to seven years for this new family to gel and bond, especially if the children are older,” Shuler says. Time, commitment and patience are required of all family members if the new family unit is to succeed; Shuler says, “For some families, the best outcome is simply a cooperative co-existence.”
Tips for successfully blending families
Help kids adapt to the new family configuration Children will belong to two households/families; they need guidance to adjust to different set of rules, expectations, and systems.
Bonding takes time Don’t expect children to love and adore each other or your new partner right away. In some cases, the best case scenario would be working towards courtesy and respect. Building caring relationships between children and their new step-parent/family is a process that requires time and patience.
Be open to discussion Creating opportunities for family discussions, problem-solving and negotiation helps children manage.
Prepare the family for a change Establishing new family patterns, rituals and traditions help children feel a sense of belonging and shared memories.
Understand the new relationship Clarifying roles, responsibilities and expectations in the blended family serves as a “road map” with strategies for building relationships and a solid framework for the family unit.
Develop a conflict resolution strategy Conflict is a part of all families. Combined families have more complex and diverse needs and emotions in dealing with conflict; a solid conflict resolution model helps to address these issues.
Demonstrate your love Children need reassurance that they are loved and are still a priority to their biological parent, as loyalty issues can arise.
Discipline your own, and step back for his children The general rule of thumb about discipline is that the biological parent is the one who guides the discipline for their own children when there are step-children living together. But within one household the rules need to be consistently applied for all children who live there–and there should not be two sets of rules.
Given that a high proportion of marriages end in divorce, a large number of people in their middle years again become available for marriage. It’s a no wonder that almost half of Canadian families are “blended” and more than 81% of these families have children from the current union.
But the bottom line is what ever you call it–a step family, blended family, combined family–it’s a newly reconfigured family unit. It takes time to bring this new family together, and it takes effort–just remember to resolve conflict, demonstrate love and find the fun.
This article first appeared on more.ca http://www.more.ca/relationships/family-and-friends/remarriage-avoid-the-blended-family-breakdown/a/29507/2
A fight to save a marriage
Tune in to The Smart Divorce and hear how one courageous woman fought to save her marriage. Beverly Willlet is now using her expertise and experience to effect social change.
When Beverly Willett was faced with divorce she did something few have tried… challenging the divorce in court. She wanted desperately to save her marriage and avoid divorce. Beverly has extensive knowledge about the judicial system, both from her research and personal experience, and is passionate about divorce reform.
Beverly www.beverlywillett.com, is an author and former attorney. Her articles about divorce, marriage and parenting have appeared in many publications, including The New York Times, Newsweek, Woman’s Day, Family Circle, Prevention, Salon.com, Parenting and The Daily Beast. She’s a regular contributor to The Huffington Post Divorce page, a former Contributing Editor to Chicken Soup for the Soul Magazine, and a long-time advisor to Parentalwisdom.com. For the past year, she has been consulting with groups and individuals about divorce reform on a pro bono basis. She is the chair of the advisory committee for the Coalition for Divorce Reform. (http://www.divorcereform.info/)
Topics in this program include:
• The Impossible Dream: The Fight to Save Beverly’s Marriage
• Giving up on your career for your children
• The differences and flaws between No Fault vs. Fault Divorce
• When mom’s break up: Coping with the loss of friendships post divorce
• How the Coalition for Divorce Reform is making a difference.
Click on the link to hear this fascinating interview:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/the-fight-to-save-a-marriage-and-thoughts-on-divorce-reform/
Finding Happiness During Divorce
Finding Happiness During Divorce is the new program on The Smart Divorce with Deborah Moskovitch featuring Susan Pease Gadoua. Isn’t it time you find your happiness?
Our guest, Susan Pease Gadoua is the founder and Executive Director of the Transition Institute of Marin, specializing in meeting the needs of separating and divorcing men and women. We explore the importance of understanding your own needs, how to find your happiness, and the meaning of loving yourself. It’s an enlightening and engaging conversation, tune in to learn how to find the power of happiness.
- The meaning of happiness
- What it means to love yourself, to be open to loving and healthy relationships
- Preparing yourself emotionally for a great relationship
- Why people get stuck in relationship traps – and being with the same personality type
- Avoiding the relationship trap mistakes and downfalls
- The risk of a rebound relationship
Click here to liste:
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/finding-happiness-during-divorce/
Recent Comments