The Jewish High Holidays are just days away, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’m sure many are counting down the shopping days until Christmas. Celebrating holidays can be a stressful time when you’re divorced – but it doesn’t need to be.
I’ve written about this before, but I know it is top of mind for many, so I felt I should blog about it again. If you find yourself without your children or extended family at a time when you traditionally celebrated with them, it can be a sad and lonely experience without them now.
Here’s a little reminder of what I have previously posted and tips to get you though.
Who says you have to celebrate those days the traditional route or the way you celebrated when you were married? If you find yourself alone, create new meaning for these celebrations and enjoy them on your own terms. Here are some tips to get you through these celebrations.
- Create new traditions. If the old traditions are too painful to follow, let them go. Instead of trying to re-create the past, create your own positive future.
- Throw your own party and invite friends or family who have nowhere to go during this time.
- Make a special effort to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Don’t try drowning your sorrows with alcohol or food. Doing anything to excess when you are sad or worried is rarely a smart move.
- Be good to yourself. Go for a manicure or massage, buy a great CD, catch up on your favorite hobby. Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend or family member.
- If you are feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, speak with a trusted friend, therapist or someone in your support group.
- Plan ahead. If it looks like you’re going to be spending the time on your own, find an interesting activity or a place to travel so you can be with other people.
- Surround yourself with people, whether from your support network, your family, your church or synagogue. You may even be able to attend a special support group holiday function.
- Contemplate how you would like your life to look like post-divorce and write down what you need to do to get there. Start doing one of those things now.
- Stay in control by making lists of what you need to do and checking each item off as you accomplish it.
- Use any time alone to do the things you’ve been putting off — catching up on paperwork; catching up on sleep; reading the great book that’s been sitting unopened for weeks or months; calling the friend you’ve been meaning to reconnect with.
- If putting on a dinner or party in the family home doesn’t feel right, try doing something for others off site. For example, you could visit a retirement home and read to those whose families can’t be with them during the holidays.
- Continue to make the holidays special for your children. Include them in developing new traditions. Ask them how they would like to celebrate.
- Plan ahead how your children are going to spend the holidays. Avoid the stress of figuring things out last minute. This will give you a sense of comfort, relief and control.
- Be creative and flexible. If your children are not celebrating the holidays with you, think about making another day during holiday time a special day together.
- If your children are going to be with their other parent, phone them and wish them a happy holiday. Let them know that you are thinking about them.
- Don’t make your children feel that they have to take care of you during this special time. Send them the message that the holidays are a special time and you want them to enjoy themselves.
- Spare the occasional good thought for your ex. Your marriage likely had some good moments. Remembering those times occasionally will help you lift yourself out of your bitterness about your current situation.
Wishing everyone good health, happiness and prosperity; peace and love.
September 22, 2008
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
Divorce is a process with a colossal emotional component. If you’re not careful to deal with the emotions separately and outside of the legal process you are in danger of making decisions you will later come to regret.
The kaleidoscope of emotions
The emotions can be intense and vary from person to person. What you may be feeling is fear, anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shock, frustration and even relief. I remember, as I went through my divorce, wanting to desperately piece my world back together and wanted to numb the pain. But of course, I later came to realize that if you don’t deal with the pain of your emotions, somewhere later, the emotions will catch up to you and become your emotional baggage.
Divorce has become so common today that
people underestimate how powerful an
experience it truly is
People don’t know how to react to divorcing people. There are no rituals or customs associated with mourning the loss of a marriage. There are all sorts of customs associated with losing a loved one, but how do you mourn the loss of a marriage? Without saving cavalier or glib, there are some ideas which don’t sound so bad. I’m starting to hear of people developing their own little healing ceremonies by throwing divorce parties, sending out separation announcements, burying their wedding band, or running away going on a little exotic vacation and so on. But what you also need to do is recognize that you are grieving. Grief is not a mental disorder; it is a natural, if painful, emotion that needs to be worked through!
Managing the grief
Grief presents an opportunity to make important choices and think about the life you want to lead. There is an incredible amount of emotional work and healing that needs to be done when you’re grieving, especially during the first year of tow of going through a divorce and separation.
Ways to feel better
If you behave passively, like a leaf that is simply tossed this way and that by the wind, you are taking away your own freedom to move forward with your life. A smart divorce requires you to do some work, not be passive. Once you truly accept this, you will have set your feet firmly on a path that can enrich you rather than diminish you.
Take charge
- Give yourself the opportunity to explore and consciously make choices about the life you want to lead.
- Envision what you would like life to look like when you are ready to start moving on, and think about what you need to do to get there.
- Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically.
- Emotionally: develop your support network of friends, family, clergy parenting groups, support groups and perhaps a therapist.
- Physically: Eat right and exercise. Try as hard as you can to lead a healthy “balanced” life.
- Make time for yourself – do something which makes you happy.
March 19, 2008
