http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/how-to-avoid-the-blended-_b_917761.html

Do you remember The Brady Bunch? Mike Brady marries Carol Martin; they each bring into this second marriage three children (three boys, three girls), and this blended family of eight live happily ever after. And don’t forget Alice, the live-in housekeeper, keeping it all together and running smoothly. Little conflict, lots of love, and always fun.

But alas, that was the early 70s. It was a time of love, light and humanity. Four decades later, people still yearn for love, but we’ve become a fast food culture where decisions are made at lightening speed, and consequences are an afterthought.

Case in point: my friend Annie. Divorced for seven years and raising two children on her own, she was at a New Year’s dinner party when she met Gary, who had been divorced for three years with two children. Eleven months later, after an incredible whirlwind relationship, they were in the judges’ chambers exchanging wedding vows. Within 30 minutes a new family unit was formed. Sounds wonderful, but the Brady Bunch union it was not.

When Annie and Gary pledged to be together forever, a new family dynamic was thrust upon their children. The children now became step-siblings, barely knew each other, and were used to different households. This was not one big happy family; there was conflict, chaos and frustration. The children did not get along well, were used to different sets of house rules, study habits, and different monthly allowances.

Sandy Shuler, a social worker and certified Canadian family educator in Calgary (http://www.familylifeworks.ca), advises clients that when blending a family, the first thing they should do is not to have preconceived ideas and unrealistic expectations about what the family is going to look like.

“Every family is unique in terms of the way it looks and the way it operates. Expecting that there is going to be an instant connection and bonding situation when there are children involved can lead to disappointment and challenges,” Shuler says. “Just because the adults are thrilled about the idea of merging does not mean that the children are, so the adults need to go into the situation realistically with their eyes wide open.”

Shuler advises couples act proactively, and tackle issues before blending the family: “Prior to blending, go to a counselor and finding out what the likely hot spots are going to be.” (If money might be a hot spot – and it probably will be – here’s what to consider about blended family finances.)

New family relationships require time to form, making patience key. “It can take up to seven years for this new family to gel and bond, especially if the children are older,” Shuler says. Time, commitment and patience are required of all family members if the new family unit is to succeed; Shuler says, “For some families, the best outcome is simply a cooperative co-existence.”

Tips for successfully blending families

Help kids adapt to the new family configuration Children will belong to two households/families; they need guidance to adjust to different set of rules, expectations, and systems.

Bonding takes time Don’t expect children to love and adore each other or your new partner right away. In some cases, the best case scenario would be working towards courtesy and respect. Building caring relationships between children and their new step-parent/family is a process that requires time and patience.

Be open to discussion Creating opportunities for family discussions, problem-solving and negotiation helps children manage.

Prepare the family for a change Establishing new family patterns, rituals and traditions help children feel a sense of belonging and shared memories.

Understand the new relationship Clarifying roles, responsibilities and expectations in the blended family serves as a “road map” with strategies for building relationships and a solid framework for the family unit.

Develop a conflict resolution strategy Conflict is a part of all families. Combined families have more complex and diverse needs and emotions in dealing with conflict; a solid conflict resolution model helps to address these issues.

Demonstrate your love Children need reassurance that they are loved and are still a priority to their biological parent, as loyalty issues can arise.

Discipline your own, and step back for his children The general rule of thumb about discipline is that the biological parent is the one who guides the discipline for their own children when there are step-children living together. But within one household the rules need to be consistently applied for all children who live there–and there should not be two sets of rules.

Given that a high proportion of marriages end in divorce, a large number of people in their middle years again become available for marriage. It’s a no wonder that almost half of Canadian families are “blended” and more than 81% of these families have children from the current union.

But the bottom line is what ever you call it–a step family, blended family, combined family–it’s a newly reconfigured family unit. It takes time to bring this new family together, and it takes effort–just remember to resolve conflict, demonstrate love and find the fun.

This article first appeared on more.ca http://www.more.ca/relationships/family-and-friends/remarriage-avoid-the-blended-family-breakdown/a/29507/2

for blending your families

Did you know that the divorce rate rises with each subsequent marriage?  The divorce rate rises over 60% with a 2^nd marriage and skyrockets to over 70% with a third time marriage.  One of the contributing factors to the lack of a successful partnership is avoiding the discussion about merging two families together.

Please click on the click to read more about tips and strategies as to how to connect two new families. http://www.more.ca/relationships/family-and-friends/remarriage-avoid-the-blended-family-breakdown/a/29507

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great tips that apply to both men and women.  If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca

But the bottom line is what ever you call it—a step family, blended family, combined family—it’s a newly reconfigured family unit. It takes time to bring this new family together, and it takes effort—just remember to resolve conflict, demonstrate love and find the fun.

1. Think of it as marriage/divorce insurance.  You want the marriage to work, but if it doesn’t you’ve protected yourself.
2. The blended family dilemma.  You want your children to support your new marriage; however you want them to feel protected as well.
3. What if you die? Without sounding morbid, it is a consideration……how you want your assets to be divided between your new partner and your children.

There are many other obvious considerations. A recent article in Canadian Business answers this very important question:

I’m about to get married for the second time. How do I ensure that my children and my new wife won’t ever have to duke it out over my estate after I’m gone?

Mapping out a prenup – Canadian Business Magazine

it’s not broken…

The cabinet door in my kitchen has fallen off the hinge, the hot water tank just burst, the fridge door won’t close properly and I need a new roof. But while my home is in need of physical repair, it certainly does not need emotional repair.

I wrote about this in my book, The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts

You wouldn’t believe how many people it resonated with.

I’m divorced, but I don’t have a

Perhaps I’m sensitive, but I don’t consider my children to be growing up in a “broken home.” When I talk to my children, we call ourselves a family because that’s what we are.

We do not compare ourselves to more “traditional” families with two parents living at home. Divorce may change a family’s structure, but we’re still a family. All families ­­– so-called “traditional” families and the rest of us – all have challenges, no matter how our living arrangements are configured.

Make life work for your kids

As a parent, your challenge is to make life work for your kids. Ensure they don’t view themselves as disadvantaged or as “children of divorce.” They’re regular children.

When I glimpse into families with two parents living at home, my home often appears to be working wonderfully well.

I may be a bit more frazzled than someone in a home with two parents living there – but that’s because of the practical everyday exigencies of life with three active children. (And who really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Just because there are two parents, does that always mean both parents share all the responsibilities? Don’t compare!)

There’s no one to share the driving with

I often have to be in two places at the same time. I run a business, but I still have to manage my personal affairs – on my own. So while I might be a bit more stressed (Did I mention I’m an A type personality?) my children are growing up in a healthy and loving environment.

I have house rules, set curfews (although I have been a bit lax at times), my children must get their homework done, and I’m always there to kiss them goodnight and listen to their worries.

Think about a few things…

What about blended families? Does blending suddenly unbreak “broken homes”?

What about the blended families where the culture is more like oil and water?

How about a family where both parents are living together but constantly fighting?

Or a family where both parents live together but one parent is never at home? Always working, always away on weekends and never around for the kids.

Constance Ahrons ,author of the highly praised books, We’re Still Family and The Good Divorce calls a single parent household a binuclear family –– a much healthier way to view a single parent household.

So, what do we call ourselves – FAMILY. A wonderful, supportive family, that is who we are.