Posts filed under 'best interests of the children'
How do you get a smart divorce?
Learn more about being smart about divorce with Deborah
Hear Deborah talk about The Smart Divorce
I was interviewed about The Smart Divorce and dealing with the many issues surrounding divorce with host Christine Williams of On The Line
Click on the link to watch the interview which aired on April 19, 2010.
You’ll hear a lot of information about getting through divorce, some personal stories, and guidance about the divorce process.
http://ctstv.com/ontario/player.php?ctsvidID=17595&show=On%20The%20Line
ON THE LINE with Christine Williams has been recipient of six prestigious international awards. The program features current affairs issues and in-depth discussions about a range of topics with authors, experts and advocates.
Add comment April 20, 2010
Taking Charge of Your Separation/Divorce
Taking Charge of Your
Separation/Divorce
impact – options – opportunities
Space is still available in a very unique seminar on separation /divorce. This is a “one stop” information panel of experts for individual, families and experts; featuring presenters:
Deborah Moskovitch, Author, Speaker, Divorce Consultant:
“The Smart Divorce”
“A Team Approach To Managing The Issues of Divorce”
Wendy Best, Q.C.: Senior Partner, Dunphy, Best, Blocksom, LLP
“Consideration Of The Legal Issues”
Sharon Numerow, CDFA™, Tax Consultant: Alberta Divorce Finances Ltd.
“Why a 50/50 Property Split is not Always Equal – 7 secrets to a successful divorce”
Sandy Shuler, Social Worker, Certified Family Educator: Family Life Works Inc.
“Effective Co-Parenting: Putting Kids First”
EDUCATION▪▪STRATEGIES▪▪RESOURCES▪▪BOOK DISPLAY
SPONSORED BY: Calgary Family Services & Deer Park United Church
SUPPORTED BY: Dunphy, Best, Blocksom LLP
This seminar is appropriate for individuals contemplating or already experiencing a divorce. You will learn strategies for a smart divorce, understanding your legal options, financial considerations, and putting your children’s best interest first. Participants will learn what to expect legally and emotionally, and so be able to move through the process with confidence and focus while saving time and money.
Click on the link below for more information
Calgary – TakingChargeofYourSeparationDivorce2
Program details:
When: February 25, 2010
Location: Deer Park United Church – 777 Deer Point Rd. SE, Calgary Alberta
Time: 7 – 9:30 P.M.
To register, or for more information contact: Calgary Family Services at 403 204 5244
1 comment January 25, 2010
Applying for your child’s passport
I learned an important lesson the other day while applying for my youngest child’s passport – how frustrating it can be if specific language about this issue is not incorporated into your parenting plan.
The government has tightened up their requirements for passport applications for a divorced couple. They want to ensure which parent is allowed to apply for the passport, how custody is shared, and so on. It’s an important precaution. So, in an effort to move through this application process as easily as possible, incorporate a clause into the parenting plan which specifically states details about how your child’s passport should be obtained – who has responsibility, custody etc.
11 comments November 1, 2009
Breaking up, a 5 part series
Nothing is in this world is perfect, and certainly not the legal system. There are gaps in the system. The challenge is to work beyond the gaps…….as one lawyer once told me, the legal system was designed for criminals and, divorce is not a criminal act. So, given that perspective, I hope you can see why you should try to stay out of court. Of course, there are always exceptions, and at times, one has no choice but to litigate.
There was a 5 part series in the Toronto Star, investigating some of the issues people are confronted with when dealing with the legal system. What ever the issues, the bottom line is, there are problems, and that requires reforming the system.
I’ve attached links to the articles which may be of interest to you, my readers. While you might not agree with everything in these articles, it certainly will make you pause and think………the reality is, divorce is a life changing event, and we need to view this as a process, not a crisis. And, as I heard a lawyer so wisely say:
Divorce is a problem to be solved,
not a war to be won.
Here are the links to the articles:
Divorced dads can’t catch a break http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/704075–divorced-dads-can-t-catch-a-break
The good divorce http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705130–the-good-divorce
Kids hard hit in nasty divorces http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/705251–kids-hard-hit-in-nasty-divorces
Grandparents go to court for access to grandkids
Where separation occurs without anxiety http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/706400–where-separation-occurs-without-anxiety
Of course, I always like to have the last word and comment. My published letter to the editor, in response to the article entitled “Divorced dads can’t catch a break”, is below.
What’s the delay on shared custody?
Re: Breaking up: Family courts in crisis, Series
There are gaps in the legal system, leading to both fathers and mothers feeling that they are being treated unfairly. But, the real victims are the children who are losing out on a loving relationship with both parents, because of their parents’ conflict – who are too consumed with fighting each other, ignoring what’s in their children’s best interest.
Parents need to work together for the sake of the children, not against each other for vengeance, control and destruction of their ex partner.
Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant, Author, “The Smart Divorce”
Add comment October 18, 2009
The Smart Divorce Seminar
THE SMART DIVORCE® SEMINAR
A SMART CLIENT IS A BETTER CLIENT
A VALUABLE SEMINAR ABOUT THE DIVORCE PROCESS:
HEAR FROM THE BENCH, THE BAR AND THE TRENCHES
Saturday, November 21, 2009 Time: 10:00 am – 1:00 pm
Location: Fairview Library, Room 2 – Lower Level
Registration Fee: $65.00, including G.S.T.
Speakers include: Deborah Moskovitch, Divorce Consultant and author of The Smart Divorce, and recently retired Family Law Lawyer Marilynne Cass, with Featured Guest Speaker: Mr. Justice Harvey Brownstone of the Ontario Family Court and author of the bestselling book Tug of War
If you are either contemplating or currently going through a divorce, this seminar offers you strategies and tips for successfully navigating the divorce process. You will learn about the differences between the “emotional divorce” and the “legal divorce”, emphasizing the scope and limitations of the legal process. You will also hear what you can and should be doing to better move your own case towards resolution. Your will learn how to avoid the emotional pitfalls, anticipate the financial hurdles and understand the litigation limitations. You will be better prepared to move forward with focus, hope and confidence while saving time and money –and your sanity!
Topics that will be discussed:
• Understanding Divorce: Exploring the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal divorce” and how to effectively manage the process.
• Working with Your Lawyer: It’s a job for both you and your lawyer. What you should be doing to make the process most cost effective.
• Getting Your Life in Order for the Divorce Process: How to organize your paperwork to cut down on legal expenses.
• Parenting throughout divorce: Exploring the “emotional divorce” versus the “legal, what children are going through; and putting your children’s best interest first.
• Moving from Mom’s house to Dad’s house – Understanding custody and co-parenting arrangements; developing a parenting plan; and parenting after divorce.
• The legal process and dispute resolutions. What this means and how to develop realistic expectation to manage the divorce process more cost effectively.
• Understanding how child and spousal support are determined. The financial paperwork you need to prepare, and the issues to consider regarding the matrimonial home and much more.
• Finally, you will have the unique opportunity to learn from a judge: how rulings are decided, the importance of using a lawyer, what happens to the self represented litigant
and, putting your children’s best interests first. You will gain valuable insight into what really goes on in the family court room.
To reserve your spot:
Call Deborah Moskovitch at 905-695-0270,
Marilynne Cass at 647-200-7318
or email info@thesmartdivorce.com
1 comment September 14, 2009
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
- birthdates
- school schedules
- other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
- Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
- Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
- It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
- It’s up to you to take the initiative.
- Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
- Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
- Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:
- Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time. (Generally speaking, permission might be needed if it is a sole custody arrangement and the non-custodial parent wishes to exercise access.)
- As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).
Here are some ideas on how to maintain connections with teenagers:
- Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
- Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
- If there are big differences in ages between siblings, plan one-on-one time with each child.
Source: The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Expert (Chicago Review Press, 2007)
1 comment September 3, 2009
It’s back to school: developing routine and structure for parents
As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.
If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:
Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family
Make a family calendar and hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.
On the family calendar, list:
- birthdates
- school schedules
- other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.
Establish rules such as the following:
- Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.
- Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.
- It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.
- It’s up to you to take the initiative.
- Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.
- Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.
- Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.
If you are the noncustodial parent, here are some ideas to help you maintain a positive relationship with your children:
- Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.
- As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated)
Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.
2 comments August 24, 2009
New school year, renwened relationships…..
New School Year, Renewed Relationships……
The Calendar Year Starts in
September for Many Families
One of the most serious fall-outs of divorce is the loss or diminished child/parent relationship. While some relationships might end as a result of parent alienation http://blog.thesmartdivorce.com/2008/02/18/the-meaning-of-family/- a common reason, often overlooked is “realistic estrangement” – when a child chooses to end, or reduce the time spent with a parent. The reasons are varied and may include ineffective parenting, substance abuse and domestic violence.
How do you maintain a relationship with your children, when their priorities change from family time, to focus on school and friends?
1. Re-frame your thinking – don’t measure time spent with your children in quantity – minutes and hours, but in terms of the quality of time you are spending.
2. Be creative – keep the relationship going by doing what is in their best interest – driving them to programs, helping them with homework, ask them what they need from you. By doing so, you get to know who their friends are, understand what they are doing at school, and you will open up conversation.
3. Let them know you care – create a family calendar. A schedule of extracurricular programs, events and school events will allow you to stay connected. It will also send a positive message that you want to stay involved.
4. Get with the program – children communicate through many mediums – text messaging, instant messaging, phone and more. Staying connecting on their terms goes a long way to maintaining a healthy positive relationship. Learn the texting short forms. It’s their language and you need to know it.
5. Be introspective
- If you find your children withdrawing from a relationship with you, ask yourself “what am I doing?” to contribute to this dynamic. For instance:
a. Do you put your needs before your children’s needs?
b. Is your behaviour affecting the relationship – alcohol or substance abuse, anger management issues, domestic violence, and more- seek out the help you need to get your life in order so that you can become a good role model and better parent.
c. Is your new partner (if you have one) affecting this relationship?
d. Have you ignored the relationship because of your relationship with your new family (if you remarried, or are living with someone)? Think about the damage you are doing to your children from your first family.
Don’t allow yourself or your children lose interest in the relationship. Children are the ones who live out the divorce. As parents, we owe it to our children to give them the best life possible, not a life filled with complications, despair, and a feeling of not being wanted. Children ARE the greatest love of all let them learn and lead the way. And in the process you have developed a bond to last a lifetime.
1 comment August 11, 2009
Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family
All too often, parents worry, quite rightly, how their children are going to react to divorce. The book Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family, is a great read for parents to share with their younger children.
This children’s book about a child coming to terms with divorce, manages to be both comforting and authentic at the same time. Its message is simple and sincere: Divorce doesn’t have to lead to a dysfunctional family. It can lead to a healthy “different-functional” family where children know that they are worthy and loved – in spite of their parents’ decision to separate.
Written by divorced mom Lori Hilliard to help her own children, Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family is a welcome change from the traditional offerings for children coping with divorce. This book can serve as a valuable resource for divorcing parents with young children and extended family. There are no talking teddy bears or make-believe characters glossing over the reality of divorce. This simple true story, told through the eyes of Hilliard’s five year old son, assures children that they are still part of a family that loves them. The author felt it was important to feature a real child’s face, so that other children could relate to the story in a genuine way. The book includes a section for parents to add photographs meaningful to their children, as well as a place to write down their own commitment to their children. These thoughtful “extras” reinforce to children that their parents love for them is not diminished by divorce, and that life in a “different-functional” family can be a happy one.
The book is currently available on Amazon.com and at www.aspenwoodpublishing.com.
The author’s personal story has been featured on CNN.com
Also, here’s an article which appeared on the Maria Shriver’s First Lady of California, Women’s Conference website:
http://www.californiawomen.org/just-who-will-i-be/
Children need to be provided with the understanding that, although their parents live in two separate homes, they are still a family. While the family might have some differences than one with both parents living together, this family is still the same in many ways – they are loved by both parents, they play and have fun like all children, and these children feel good about themselves – all very important messages.
3 comments August 4, 2009
Parent alienation: the child’s best interest
……and the gaps in the legal system
The Globe and Mail newspaper reported a surprising ruling by a judge this week. Despite the judge’s condemnation of the mother, calling her a liar and manipulator, it was deemed in the child’s best interest to allow the child to move out of the country with her mother (Blameless father a victim in brainwashing case, May 19, 2009).
The efforts by the father to have a relationship with his daughter were blatantly denied by the mother. Given this information, the judge viewed the daughter’s relationship with the mother and allowing them to move out of the country, in the child’s best interest – although, the judge had “expressed frustration that (the mother) beat the system by flagrantly violating court orders, spiriting (the daughter) out of the country, and keeping every measure possible to keep them apart” (father and daughter.)
The end result of this case demonstrated a very serious problem in the court system – and, that is when it comes to family law, not every family issue is a legal problem. It is a very sad situation when the gaps in the legal system support a parent who deliberately does not abide by rulings and consciously destroy the relationship with the other parent.
It is a travesty when there seems to be no consequence for the parent who defies court orders and deliberately destroys a child’s relationship with the other parent. Parents are their children’s role model. When a parent does not parent effectively, this behavior many not only be modeled by their children but, this pattern of parenting could continue for several generations. Any parent who uses their children as weapons of vengeance certainly does not understand the meaning of “the children’s best interest.” These children are often set on a path of psychological and emotional problems, not provided the opportunity to understand healthy relationships, and frequently prevented from knowing all family members. It is disheartening to learn that the father, despite his best efforts, will most likely not have a relationship with his daughter.
This young girl is set on a path for feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness and a range of psychological issues.
Most parents love their children more than they despise the other parent – the parents that cannot, really need to focus on the need to put their children first.
Add comment May 25, 2009
