Posts filed under ‘Abandonment’
Fathers are Important Too
Kids Need Their Fathers, During and After Divorce
One of the sad realities of divorce and the outcome is fatherlessness. In this episode of The Smart Divorce with Deborah Moskovitch, we discuss the need for fathers to stay involved in their kids lives, especially during and after divorce.
Deborah Moskovitch
It is more common for father’s relationships to be thinned out more than mothers. While a lot of attention and research has focused on single-parent families where the parent is the mother, limited attention has focused on single-parent families where the father is the parent. Single-father families are a small, but growing segment of our society. But what happens when dads aren’t involved?
Deborah Moskovitch and Steve Peck explore this issue, and help provide an understanding of fatherlessness, while providing ideas for staying connected.
Did you know:
- Up to 25% of children do not see their father by 2-3 years after divorce
- Daughters that do not have a relationship with their father are more likely to have long term emotional issues – are more promiscuous and less likely to graduate from high school and college; while sons are more likely to exhibit delinquent behavior
- 80% of the daughters and sons in the U.S. only live with their fathers for a maximum of 10 to 15 percent of the time after their parents divorce
Tune in to discover what can be done and how you can overcome these obstacles. There’s been research that shows when fathers are more involved in their kids’ lives — they are less likely to divorce themselves.
Also, Like us on our Facebook pages, The Smart Divorce and Divorce Source Radio. Join the community!
To hear this interview, click on the link
http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/kids-need-their-fathers-during-and-after-divorce/
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The importance of dealing with your emotional baggage
Midlife Divorce: Blame It On Your Parents?
Your parents’ divorce might be setting the stage for your own. This article recently appeared on The Huffington Post. I would love to hear your thoughts
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/midlife-divorce-blame-it-_b_884795.html
Shannon*, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her “aha” moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce. She married her husband because he “completed” her — masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love.
It wasn’t until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents’ divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5 years old.
eeking a rescue, not a relationship
Shannon considered her husband a real catch. She thought her knight in shining armor cared about her every move. He guided her through life, managed the finances and left all aspects of parenting to her.
In fact, this perfect partner repeated the patterns and disillusionments experienced in childhood. Shannon experienced controlling and emotionally abusive behavior, jealousy and an uninvolved husband. She felt this was ok: She’d grown up fearing abandonment and deflecting anger from her stepmother.
You see, when Shannon’s parents divorced, her mother left, with what seemed like no concern for her (the truth revealed many years later in adulthood when she regained a relationship with her mother); her father remarried, but this union did not provide her with the love and nurturing she so desperately needed. What happened in childhood then, has a significant impact on how romantic relationships are handled now, as an adult.
Although many children are resilient, and grow up thinking of themselves as just regular kids, not children of divorce, there are some children who are impacted emotionally in the long term. When a parent abandons a child, that child often believes that there was something wrong with him–or herself–and carries this belief into adulthood.
While the lack of a relationship with a parent can have a significant impact on romantic relationships for a child later in life, there is a debate amongst researchers on this topic. Some say, these individuals are affected for life. Others feel that with work, an individual can learn to come to terms with it, heal and develop rich and successful romantic partnerships.
According to Dr. Michelle Mitcham, a professor of counseling and a divorce expert, an individual’s self esteem is affected because they feel rejected. The loss of the parental relationship due to divorce results in a lack of trust.
“People have different cognitions [beliefs], and this leaves certain behaviors. If your cognition is on some level, I’m a bad person, or I’m not worthy, or at some level there is something that you think you did to deserve it, the lines get blurred. What messages are you giving yourself, even if they are subliminal?”
Dr. Mitcham helps her patients regain their self-esteem and trust, so that they are able to develop a positive outlook, and healthy romantic relationships. She helps her patients cope with the loss of a parent or a fragmented relationship with the parent, and to heal by working on these 5 significant messages.
1. Look to your family of origin for answers.
It is important to resolve any issues that could be playing out in your relationship and are undermining it. For instance, people get into a relationship looking for things that they were missing growing up. If the relationship looks attractive, individuals may leap into it hoping for nurturing and love for themselves without taking the time to really get to know the other person. Slow down and get to know prospective partners.
2. Stop repeating the same relationship mistakes.
People often marry, or get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. They are looking to feel complete, because they haven’t resolved things in the past. Many times, they don’t feel that they are worthy. Then they find themselves in an unfulfilling relationship, not really sure why they are giving into that relationship. Figure out what you are looking for, and love yourself — you are worthy of love and respect, and worthy of a healthy relationship.
3. You don’t have to be less of who you are to be in a good relationship.
Write out the ideal relationship: What you need in someone that you are compatible with. You’ll know that you are leaning towards a good relationship when you don’t have to be less of who you are in that relationship. You have to feel complete and feel like you have to stand on your own two feet before you can be happy in that relationship. The other person doesn’t complete you because they are not the answer to your unresolved issues.
4. Normalize your feelings.
Uncover your issues and find out what you didn’t receive growing up. Then you can fix it and move forward, because you understand the why, and how this changes your reactions. Remember you’re not alone: Other people feel this way too.
5. Develop introspection and understanding.
You might want to work with a therapist or do some journaling to help you think through the issues, and what you need to do to fix them. Bottom line is you need to know that you are worthy of love and worthy of a nurturing relationship, and figure out what exactly that looks like to you.
If you rush into a relationship without understanding where you were, then you won’t know where you are going. Take time to understand what you have been through and why. There is hard work that needs to be done. While you may have lost a close loving relationship with a parent, you need to come to terms with that, and develop a loving relationship with yourself.
When you move in a positive direction from what you are used to, you very likely will feel some anxiety. Embrace it. It may sound clichéd but it’s true: You have to truly love yourself, before you can really love someone else.
* the name has been changed.
This article is exclusive More.ca
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/midlife-divorce-blame-it-on-your-parents/a/33856/3
Estranged or Abandoned by a Parent: Are Children Scarred for Life?
I am working on a book currently entitled: “Children and Divorce: The Effects of Abandonment and Estrangement: Understanding the Consequences, The Importance of Healing, And a Chance to Reconnect.” While doing my research, I have spoken with many adult children who have shared their stories on how this loss has affected their lives. I’m often saddened by these stories, but in awe as to how many of these adult children have risen above their loss to develop an emotionally healthy outlook on life.
That’s why I was compelled to watch psychotherapist, Gary Neuman, who appeared on one of Oprah’s last shows. He interviewed two young children, a brother and sister, who were abandoned by their mother when she divorced her husband — their father. The children were crying, and yet were remarkably articulate in their description of their thoughts and feelings regarding their mother’s abandonment of them due to divorce.
Click on the link to read the full article
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/deborah-moskovitch/oprahs-most-memorable-gue_1_b_869497.html
What’s family day really about?
Given that today is family day in Ontario, it has given me time to stop and ponder. Although I’ve had to work all day, being surrounded by my children is something I will always be thankful for.
The legal community and researches often define divorce matters in technical terms…….custodial parent, custody, access, primary residence, but the term that irks me most is “broken home”. I understand the legal rationale behind referring to certain terms, but when it comes to defining a family run by a single parent as broken, I wonder — where is the break? Perhaps I’m sensitive, but I don’t consider my children to be growing up in a “broken home.” When I talk to my children, we call ourselves a family because that’s what we are.
Families. Single parent households, blended families, same-sex families, cohabitating families…….there are, I know, many other reconfigurations that I haven’t even mentioned. When you’re divorced and single suddenly the words family day take on new meaning.
What if you’re divorced with no children, and perhaps no extended family in your life to share the day – does that mean you can’t celebrate? I suggest, reach out to your friends who have become your extended family. Let them know how special they are to you. Think about what family means to you and start building important bonds and relationships that you hope can be long lasting.
If you have become estranged or alienated from your family and children use this time to reflect and try to understand what went wrong. Perhaps this can be the day when you start mending those broken relationships. The ending of a relationship between a parent and a child is probably one of the most painful experiences to ever happen.
I recently interviewed Jill Egizzi on my new radio show The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio. Tune in to hear the Jill’s painful experience of becoming a targeted parent and losing the relationship with her children.
Click here to listen to the interview http://tinyurl.com/Jill-Egizzi
What do you do to overcome these devastating scenarios of parent alienation? Dr. Robert A. Simon, a clinical and forensic psychologist in California suggests:
“Parental Alienation Syndrome, though a very real phenomenon, is something that I believe has become rather “trendy” these days. One of the things I’ve come to understand about PAS is that even when a parent deliberately sets out to alienate the children from the other parent that the other parent often behaves in ways so as to “confirm” the alienation. In terms of re-establishing a relationship with your children, it is vital that you look carefully at yourself and at what you are doing or have done that may play into the hands of the children’s other parent.. Otherwise, no matter what the courts do, the children will still struggle in their relationship with you”.
I also suggest that you work with a parenting expert, psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker to help understand the dynamics and guide you to put the relationship right. If you are dealing with a painful experience and having a difficult time rebuilding the relationship, you should still try to work with one of these professionals because you are most likely dealing with your own emotional turmoil that needs healing.
One a separate note, if you are having martial difficulties and considering divorce, tune into hear Dr. Simon speak about marriage counseling and considerations. http://tinyurl.com/Dr-Robert-Simon
I would also like to refer you to the links at the side of this blog, there are some helpful sites to research these topics as well.
What I hope that you will take away from reading this post is how important it is for children to have a healthy relationship with both parents. Of course, if one parent is abusive either physically or emotionally, that is not what I am referring to. I am talking about a loving, healthy relationship where children are not used as pawns and both parents take their responsibilities seriously meaning emotional, financial and ensure their basic needs met.
If you are contributing to the breakdown of the relationship or your child’s other parent is, please reflect and consider the long term effects on your child and help to start rebuilding those relationships today.
If you are as fortunate as I am to have a healthy relationship with your children, then give them an extra hug today and tell them how much you love them.
Family day, parent child relationships and the meaning of family I’m sure for many is a hot topic. I urge you to share your thoughts. What are you doing to encourage a good relationship, overcome a painful relationship, or living with a strained relationship…….I would love to hear from you, please share your thoughts.
How your parents’ divorce might be setting the stage for your own
Midlife divorce: Blame it on your parents?
Can your parents divorce be the cause of your own divorce?
Shannon*, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her “aha” moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce. She married her husband because he “completed” her – masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love.
It wasn’t until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents’ divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5.
While the lack of a relationship with a parent can have a significant impact on romantic relationships for a child later in life, there is a debate amongst researchers on this topic. Some say, these individuals are affected for life. Others feel that with work, an individual can learn to come to terms with it, heal and develop rich and successful romantic partnerships.
To read the rest of the article, and learn some helpful and strategies for healing and acceptance, click on the link
http://www.more.ca/relationships/midlife-divorce-blame-it-on-your-parents/a/33856
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