Help, my teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me!
September 1, 2008 at 1:57 pm 13 comments
Flexibility is especially important as your children enter their teen years. Teenagers are self-centered. Teenagers are fickle. Teenagers tend to see their parents for what they can offer–a wallet (money), a fridge (food, food, and more food), a bed (a place to sleep all day) and a car (with you as either their personal chauffeur or the “giver of the car keys”).
Don’t mistake your teenager’s struggle for independence, or his or her desire to spend more time with friends or on the Internet, for symptoms of your divorce. As children reach their early or mid-teens, their peer groups become essential to their lives. They don’t care about Mom’s time or Dad’s time; they just care about their own time. Their whole life focuses around their friends, which is normal–their primary focus is on themselves.
Many parents also complain that their children never let them know ahead of time what they will be doing, but that may be because the children themselves do not really know; that’s not how children make their plans. They get on their computers, they instant message each other, and the plan emerges, sometimes within a space of fifteen minutes. All of a sudden, they are busy and on their way to join up with friends.
Teenage behavior can be hard to take sometimes. The teen years can be especially hard for noncustodial parents. If you live an hour away from your child’s primary residence, where his or her school and peer group are, that makes it tough for the teenager to really enjoy his or her time at your home. As difficult as it may be for the noncustodial parent, most times that parent needs to take a backseat role to the person who is the custodial parent.
Here are some tips to stay connected with your teens:
- Offer to drive them to their friends.
- Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
- Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
Try not to think in terms of minutes and hours;
think in terms of the quality of the relationship
you are building and sustaining.
Entry filed under: best interests of the children, children, divorce, family, family relationships, parenting, relationships, smart divorce, teenagers, the children's best interest, transition. Tags: .
1.
CS | September 4, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I agree with all that was written, the change of teenagers and their terms coupled with a parent who suddenly is facing the empty nest stage can be just as dramatic, and frightening. Never did I ever imagine that raising one child and being bonded with my son, who was even tempered, kind, and full of love would change so drastically from 16 on. Just when I as his mother is trying to come to terms with the changes in his personality and making sure he is taken care of, in addition we both are seeing a therapist, plus handling an ongoing divorce proceeding for the last three years. That his need for separation from the young boy I have come to know, he now suddenly wants space and distance from me, his mom. He doesn’t communicate any longer, and has burst of anger to rage is totally shocking and at times scary. It is very difficult for me not be blue, it’s a grieving process that at times consumes me. I miss my boy, there are hints of him being deep within that thick interior of growth hormones of which I am allow a brief glimpse, and then it vanishes. I wish I could have done things differently, and it’s difficult to not feel the pain and guilt that consumes me. He’s a stranger at times, I look into his face, I see his eyes, I know he is my son, but he is different and my heart breaks and my tears feel like buckets of water streaming down my face. I simply am missing my boy, I dislike his change, and hope and pray for this season to pass quickly. I feel robbed, torn and lonely. I love my Son and I am sure he Loves me, it is just that he doesn’t show it as he did, it’s not “us” as a family, but much as the article stated “selfish” and that isn’t how I raised him, or who his character was. I must let go, I must return him into God’s hands, it just isn’t as easy as it sounds. CS Mom of a Teenager Boy
2.
MMW | June 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm
I am going through this badly and found this article online. It is now 2011, has the relationship gotten any better?
3.
The Smart Divorce | September 9, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Dear CS,
I empathize with how you are feeling. Many parents I know feel the same, and tell me that as young adults, their children’s attitude changes for the better – if you give them their space and independence when they need it most (although, I agree, this can be difficult). If you feel that you are not getting much time to speak with your son, have you thought of scheduling a weekly dinner? I found that for me, this really helped in maintaining a connection. During the summer, when my younger children were away, it was even more special having the one on one time with my older son. Sometimes we had great conversations, other times there was lots of silence. I would like to leave you with one last thought, a quote from The Smart Divorce, which has helped many people reframe their thinking:
“What you need to do is move away from the concept of “losing time” to maintaining a positive, strong relationship with your children. Parents are often so focused on the first eighteen years of the child’s life. What they are really doing during that time is setting the groundwork for the longer-term relationship with the child, which is after they are eighteen. What you want to do is to establish communication and nurturing and an interest in being together and sharing and holidays and rituals and activities and pursuits. Once they are off on their own, that relationship continues, and parents are not only in a relationship with their children but theoretically in a relationship with their grandchildren as well.”
Psychologist and parenting consultant, Mindy Mitnick in Minneapolis, Minnesota
4.
JoAnn | December 14, 2008 at 4:36 am
We have our annual tree day, the day we go to the tree farm and cut down our Christmas tree. It’s a tradition that means a great deal to me. When we get the tree home we have hot chocolate and listen to Christmas music as we decorate the tree. But today she had a friend over in the morning and then went to the teen center instead of decorating. When she got home I thought we would put up some ornaments together before bed, but she put up a couple while I was in the kitchen repairing a damaged ornament, and when I came back she was on the computer! It dawned on me: my daughter does not want to spend time with me anymore. I knew this was coming, but was not prepared for how very much it would hurt. I can’t stop crying.
5.
The Smart Divorce | December 16, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Dear JoAnn,
I understand how upset you must be as you had very different expectations as to how this day was going to be spent. You need to talk to your daughter and tell her that you know how important her friends are to her, and you are not asking her to give up her friendships at certain times of year. However, you would like to honour your traditions with your daughter. Ask your daughter how you can still celebrate and follow the traditions, maybe she has some new ideas – perhaps inviting friends to join you or starting some new traditions. While teenagers are trying to exert their independence, that does not mean they can be rude and disrespectful. Talk to your daughter and tell her how hurt you felt and try to come up with a mutually agreeable solution.
6.
Zippy | April 1, 2009 at 6:32 pm
My nearly 18-year old daughter spends only one evening with me once a week, and the rest of the time lives with my ex. Last summer I bought plane tickets for my daughter and me to visit my side of the family, who live in the midwest. A week before the scheduled weekend trip, my ex called on behalf of our daughter to beg off, saying the trip conflicted with some important event, and she really didn’t want to hurt me, but she didn’t want to go, either. I gave in and cancelled her flight, on the understanding that we’d make the trip over her Spring Break this year. The new trip is coming up soon, I have involved her over time as I’ve planned our travel and booked the tickets — and paid the airline’s change fee. Got a text yesterday asking if the return date for the trip could be changed so she could attend an event with friends. She said “this is my last Spring Break with my friends and I don’t want to be away from them so long.” I’m furious and hurt. She doesn’t know airline policies on “non-refundable tickets” as well as I do, but I gave her ample opportunity to tell me before I sheduled the flights if she had limitations on her time, etc. I’m afraid she’s going to act sullenly on the trip, be rude to the family, and resent me for taking her at all.
7.
GMurray | November 17, 2010 at 4:21 pm
A couple solutions that have worked for me…
(1) Take one of your daughters friends with you. She will be less inclined to back out. The friend gets more excited for the trip than the daughter some times.
(2) $$ Compensation…let her know there is something in it for her – iPod Touch? TV? New clothes? The goal is to get your daughter away on a trip with you so you can bond – so she can meet new family and friends. What’s this worth to you? To me, it’s priceless.
Good Luck
8.
Marsha | September 1, 2009 at 2:08 am
My partners 14 year old refuses to come to our place, he says he doesn’t like it. Even when i make sure I’m not there. He doesn’t want to talk to his dad or spend any other time with him (away from the house) My partner is very hurt about this and wonders what to do to make this better.
9.
The Smart Divorce | September 28, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I understand your partner’s upset and anguish. The first thing I recommend is to try to talk it through. But, since the boy will not talk with his father, perhaps you partner might speak with his son’s mother to find out what the issues may be. Also, your partner should think of other things he might have done which have affected the relationship. Or perhaps there are things that are affecting spending time together — such as: Where do his friends live? What is he doing on the weekends? Has he changed schools, or friends? There may be other things affecting the relationship which you are not aware of. Is there a different family dynamic at his mother’s home, or discussions about him? Look for creative ideas for spending time together — for example driving him to his friends homes, going to school or other events, staying in touch by text messaging, and ask him what you can do. Is there something that you can enjoy together – like a concert. Keep the lines of communication open, don’t punish him, show him that you love him, and be patient. There are also some excellent books that your partner might read like: Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci; The Truth About Children and Divorce by Robert Emery: Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.
10.
sandrar | September 10, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
11.
Thea | September 24, 2009 at 11:08 pm
I have a 14 year old son I am going through the same thing with. His father and I have joint custody, since his father got engaged he wants nothing to do with me. I am still suppose to provide for him and be there for him. I am having a hard time just being a pin cushion. It is really hard because we split all expenses usually, but with him staying at his fathers I am picking up more of the tap to offset the difference. Any idea if I should let this ride or insist he start spending every other weekend as he is suppose too?
Thank you
12.
The Smart Divorce | September 25, 2009 at 1:11 am
I understand your upset and anguish. Have you spoken to your son about the changes in your relationship? Perhaps you might want to discuss with him why he has had a change in his attitude towards spending time with you. Where do his friends live? What is he doing on the weekends? Has he changed schools, or friends? There may be other things affecting the relationship which you are not aware of. Is there a different family dynamic at his father’s home, or discussions about you? Please consider having this very honest discussion with your son, maybe at a restaurant where it is neutral territory. Look for creative ideas for spending time together — for example driving him to his friends homes, going to school or other events, staying in touch by text messaging, and ask him what you can do. Is there something that you can enjoy together – like a concert. Keep the lines of communication open, don’t punish him, show him that you love him, and be patient.
13.
Keryn | February 9, 2011 at 4:26 am
I too have a daughter who in the last year has been distancing herself from me. Until she was 14 her Dad only took her every other weekend, and sometimes not even then. (that was the divorce agreement, whe she was little she didn’t really want to go with him more often than that) Now he’s newly engaged and he has been able to convince her that she should spend half of her time at his place,claiming that he has changed and now wants to feel like he has a family.
She says she likes it over there but can’t say specifically what it is she likes. People close to me are convinced it’s because she has much more freedom there. I understand that she is a teenager now (16) so I have also given her freedom, allowing her to go out with friends and I try to make our home here inviting so that she and her friends like staying here. Everything will go great for a week when she’s here, then her Dad will call and she will practically run out the door to his place and I can hardly get her to come back. Within hours of her being there I can tell that her attitude toward me has changed, she will barely answer her phone to let me even tell her goodnight. I have taken her and her friends on vacations, to the mall, dinners…..all good while we’re doing it, but changes in an instant when she’s back at his house. It’s like he’s got some kind of brainwash power over her. My heart is breaking, I never thought our relationship would be so rocky. I get the feeling he’s just trying to go half time so he doesn’t have to pay support. He’s paying me and another ex – he left us both for other women.