Help, my teenager doesn’t want to spend time with me!
September 1, 2008
Flexibility is especially important as your children enter their teen years. Teenagers are self-centered. Teenagers are fickle. Teenagers tend to see their parents for what they can offer–a wallet (money), a fridge (food, food, and more food), a bed (a place to sleep all day) and a car (with you as either their personal chauffeur or the “giver of the car keys”).
Don’t mistake your teenager’s struggle for independence, or his or her desire to spend more time with friends or on the Internet, for symptoms of your divorce. As children reach their early or mid-teens, their peer groups become essential to their lives. They don’t care about Mom’s time or Dad’s time; they just care about their own time. Their whole life focuses around their friends, which is normal–their primary focus is on themselves.
Many parents also complain that their children never let them know ahead of time what they will be doing, but that may be because the children themselves do not really know; that’s not how children make their plans. They get on their computers, they instant message each other, and the plan emerges, sometimes within a space of fifteen minutes. All of a sudden, they are busy and on their way to join up with friends.
Teenage behavior can be hard to take sometimes. The teen years can be especially hard for noncustodial parents. If you live an hour away from your child’s primary residence, where his or her school and peer group are, that makes it tough for the teenager to really enjoy his or her time at your home. As difficult as it may be for the noncustodial parent, most times that parent needs to take a backseat role to the person who is the custodial parent.
Here are some tips to stay connected with your teens:
- Offer to drive them to their friends.
- Check in with your kids via their cell phones and e-mail accounts to just to say, “What’s up?”; “How was your day?”; and so forth. Checking in helps ensure that you have as much input with your kids as their friends do.
- Be flexible; be an open door. Invite kids over either after school or for a few hours on the weekend, or just to have dinner, rather than for the full evening or weekend. You can say, “You are welcome the entire weekend, but I won’t be upset if you want to be with your friends; you tell me if it fits in. If not, and you want to be with your friends, I’ll drive you.” If you pressure your kids to give up time with their friends in order to be with you, it will only backfire, causing your children to avoid you.
Try not to think in terms of minutes and hours;
think in terms of the quality of the relationship
you are building and sustaining.
Entry Filed under: best interests of the children, children, divorce, family, family relationships, parenting, relationships, smart divorce, teenagers, the children's best interest, transition. .
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1.
CS | September 4, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I agree with all that was written, the change of teenagers and their terms coupled with a parent who suddenly is facing the empty nest stage can be just as dramatic, and frightening. Never did I ever imagine that raising one child and being bonded with my son, who was even tempered, kind, and full of love would change so drastically from 16 on. Just when I as his mother is trying to come to terms with the changes in his personality and making sure he is taken care of, in addition we both are seeing a therapist, plus handling an ongoing divorce proceeding for the last three years. That his need for separation from the young boy I have come to know, he now suddenly wants space and distance from me, his mom. He doesn’t communicate any longer, and has burst of anger to rage is totally shocking and at times scary. It is very difficult for me not be blue, it’s a grieving process that at times consumes me. I miss my boy, there are hints of him being deep within that thick interior of growth hormones of which I am allow a brief glimpse, and then it vanishes. I wish I could have done things differently, and it’s difficult to not feel the pain and guilt that consumes me. He’s a stranger at times, I look into his face, I see his eyes, I know he is my son, but he is different and my heart breaks and my tears feel like buckets of water streaming down my face. I simply am missing my boy, I dislike his change, and hope and pray for this season to pass quickly. I feel robbed, torn and lonely. I love my Son and I am sure he Loves me, it is just that he doesn’t show it as he did, it’s not “us” as a family, but much as the article stated “selfish” and that isn’t how I raised him, or who his character was. I must let go, I must return him into God’s hands, it just isn’t as easy as it sounds. CS Mom of a Teenager Boy
2.
The Smart Divorce | September 9, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Dear CS,
I empathize with how you are feeling. Many parents I know feel the same, and tell me that as young adults, their children’s attitude changes for the better - if you give them their space and independence when they need it most (although, I agree, this can be difficult). If you feel that you are not getting much time to speak with your son, have you thought of scheduling a weekly dinner? I found that for me, this really helped in maintaining a connection. During the summer, when my younger children were away, it was even more special having the one on one time with my older son. Sometimes we had great conversations, other times there was lots of silence. I would like to leave you with one last thought, a quote from The Smart Divorce, which has helped many people reframe their thinking:
“What you need to do is move away from the concept of “losing time” to maintaining a positive, strong relationship with your children. Parents are often so focused on the first eighteen years of the child’s life. What they are really doing during that time is setting the groundwork for the longer-term relationship with the child, which is after they are eighteen. What you want to do is to establish communication and nurturing and an interest in being together and sharing and holidays and rituals and activities and pursuits. Once they are off on their own, that relationship continues, and parents are not only in a relationship with their children but theoretically in a relationship with their grandchildren as well.”
Psychologist and parenting consultant, Mindy Mitnick in Minneapolis, Minnesota