Archive for March 3rd, 2008
The Two Sides of Divorce
Did you know that divorce is a process?
di·vorce (dĭ-vôrs′, -vōrs′) n. the legal dissolution of a marriage; v. to sever the marital relationship with a spouse by a judgment or decree of divorce.
If divorce were as straightforward as the dictionary definition, the process would be a whole lot easier.
Couples, children, and extended families could carry on with their lives as if nothing much had changed. The “legal dissolution” could involve collegial discussions in lawyers’ boardrooms followed by the signing of papers, a handshake, and best wishes all around. Actually, some lawyers and judges favor the dictionary definition. “Treat your divorce as a business transaction,” they urge couples who come to see them. There’s a lot of wisdom in this piece of advice, if it is applied to the legal side of divorce. But this view neglects the emotional side of divorce. It’s as if they’re saying, “Business partnerships . . . marriage partnerships . . . what’s the difference?”
Most people who have gone through a divorce–and most lawyers and judges, too–will tell you that the dictionary definition captures only one small part of the reality of divorce.
Divorce is an extremely demanding and painful
experience riddled with complications
When divorce isn’t tragic, it’s at least extremely disappointing. A relationship that was launched in a hopeful wedding ceremony followed by candlelight and the celebratory clinking of glasses has turned into a fire fueled by fear, anger, grief, and guilt.
I know, having gone through divorce myself, that it is both a business transaction (which I certainly didn’t realize at the time) and a time of deep emotional distress (which I experienced all too well). And while it would be really nice if the two elements could be handled one after the other–you could spend a few years dealing with the emotional issues, and then, heart and head clear, go through the legal process–I also know that emotions and legal processes cannot be clinically separated.
But the ultimate challenge of divorce is precisely this: the legal issues come up at the beginning of the process, when you’re least able to deal with them objectively.
Managing the “emotional” and the “legal” divorce
A smart divorce is one in which you accept that:
- both the emotional and legal sides of divorce are real and valid
- you have to go through both, and pretty much at the same time
- emotions and the legal process cannot be perfectly sealed off from each other
To get a smart divorce, you have to understand how to keep the “two divorces”–the emotional divorce and the legal divorce–as separate as possible. Emotions should be kept out of the legal proceedings as much as possible. Letting your emotions become part of your legal decision-making process will ratchet up your legal costs, cause you to make faulty decisions, prolong the divorce process, and hold everyone back–yourself included–from moving on to a rosier future.
1 comment March 3, 2008
How a Divorce Consultant Can Help You
HOW A DIVORCE CONSULTANT CAN
HELP YOU THROUGH THE PROCESS
Managing a divorce truly is a process. However, you may not know what this process is, how to proceed, and how to process information and counsel along the way to make better decisions. After all, you probably did not approach your marriage with the expectation that you might some day require an exit plan.
Many lawyers would agree that the divorce process should be handled like a business transaction. Yet, it is difficult during this ‘transaction’ to separate out your emotions which are probably at high tide from the important decisions that will affect you and your children for many years to come. It can also be difficult to get the divorce process started or to know how to choose a lawyer, assess if your lawyer is right for you, select other experts such as accountants, therapists and parenting experts, work cost effectively with legal counsel, and ensure you put your children’s best interests first. All of these are areas where a divorce consultant can be very helpful to you.
The role of a divorce consultant is to help you navigate the divorce process so that you can better focus on what needs to be done while also reducing the complexity and costs of divorce. The goal is to assist you in making decisions with confidence by providing the research and education you need to work more effectively with your divorce team.
A divorce consultant is not a substitute for the important roles of lawyer or therapist. However, a divorce consultant can play a vital role in the divorce process. This includes helping people to understand what to expect, providing a basic knowledge of the dispute resolutions, and ultimately to be better prepared and more confident. Working with a divorce consultant is short term and usually consists of one to three sessions.
Some of the specific objectives of a
Divorce Consultant are to help you:
- understand the divorce dispute resolutions available
- interview and choose the right divorce lawyer
- ask the right questions of legal counsel and experts
- know what financial and background information to bring to your lawyer
- organize and manage your divorce file
- assess what experts you might want to add to your divorce team
- access referrals to lawyers, therapists, mediators, accountants and financial experts, organizations, literature
- understand the emotional turmoil
Understanding Dispute Resolutions
There are alternatives to court that you need to be aware of and to consider when looking for legal counsel. Having a basic understanding of what these options are will assist you in choosing the right process and the right lawyer for you. A divorce consultant can help you to better understand and sort through the various alternative dispute resolutions such as negotiation, mediation, arbitration and Collaborative Practice.
This is one of the most important decisions you will make in your divorce. You need to make the time and effort to find the right person for you. A divorce consultant can help you to understand the consultation process and can provide guidance and referrals to assist you with your search.
1 comment March 3, 2008
